To feel sad about DH giving up his ambitions?

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DH works in one of the professions and when we met was ambitious and driven. He worked hard and played hard (to use the cliche) and it was one of the things that attracted me to him. Despite working hard he always made time for me and had a reasonable work life balance.

DD is 3 and whilst DH was unsure about us having kids, he’s a great dad. However, his attitude to work has changed completely and he works less, doesn’t have his work phone on him constantly, and is just different. He doesn’t prioritise work any longer, he does what’s needed and that’s that.

Opportunities for promotion recently came up, to a position he’s wanted since I’ve known him. However, he’s not putting himself forward. When I asked why, he said life was different now and he can’t devote the time he needs to achieving what he wants professionally without being a rubbish dad. He said he was sad but accepted it and DD came first, and that the extra money doesn’t compensate for him not being around

I just feel really sad that the driven man I married has given up on his ambitions. I don’t really know what I’m trying to ask, I just thought things would remain the same after DD.

He sounds like a great Dad

Why do you feel sad that he's given up his ambitions OP? Do you really miss him being on his phone constantly? My DH is like that, I find being married to a workaholic quite dispiriting. Each to their own, obviously.

He didn't give up his ambitions. His ambitions have changed. He's matured and knows what really matters to him and that's his family.

Is it the money?

Would you really want someone taking work calls at all times of day?

Good for him! He is prioritising what’s important - his family and work/life balance

Your husband has grown up and realised that work/life balance is a good thing. Maybe you could learn from that.

But your dd is benefitting massively here. He sees that. You don't?

Welcome to Mumsnet, by the way, OP.

He has his priorities right , he wants to spend time with his child rather than being distant parent.

you don’t sound very supportive of the fact he wants to put his child first

Sad about his ‘ambitions’, op? Or about the loss of potential income perhaps? He sounds like a great dad. His priorities have changed - good for him.

Do you find him less attractive now he doesn't want to be the top dog and work himself into an early grave?

I think I am being unreasonable, objectively. I’m not sure why I feel sad about it, maybe because the drive was a big part of the attraction? I am still attracted to him. Maybe it’s just that things are changing?

Sounds like he is still driven to succeed, but his new goal is "be a great dad".

You would rather he put his career above you and your child?

You'd prefer his job was more important to him than his child? How strange.

But doesn't your DD come first? Assuming you've still got reasonable jobs so you're ok for money, its much better for your DD to have a Dad willing to give her his time.

His "drive" has been channelled into his priority, which is now his DD. Most people tend to step back slightly/take foot off the gas in their thirties when kids are very young and need them around.

You wanted an alpha male provider type, and he’s not fulfilling that role for you? Is that it?

What is your career op? Do you still have all the ambition you had pre-kids?

So what exactly do you want? DH to be working 12+ hours a day and to never see his DD?

Honestly op, all the women i know with a very "driven" workaholic DH would chew off their own right arm for him to cut back a bit and prioritise the DC.

People and circumstances change a friend of mine has blown 2 marriages, has no relationship with his grown up kids because he still wanted to go out drinking, seeing his mates 7 nights a week....he either needs a partner who likes to socialise or to remain single.
Your husband had to make a choice, be a man who doesn't have a relationship with his dd and possibly you too, or put aside the ambition and be in your lives

Shall I phone up the Audi garage now for you and cancel the new Q5?

Your entitled to feel the way you feel, and you can't help feeling this way.

Don't write the new situation off as his 'forever feelings', he likely will find his drive again when LO is in school full time. Let him enjoy these early days while he can.

I can imagine the situation here where the OP doesn't find her DH attractive anymore and eventually it ends in divorce. The DH has worked hard all of his life and all of a sudden he's in a flat counting off the hours until he can see his DD at the weekend. It's horrible.