To feel sad about DH giving up his ambitions?

[ReceptionOpeningTimes]

DH works in one of the professions and when we met was ambitious and driven. He worked hard and played hard (to use the cliche) and it was one of the things that attracted me to him. Despite working hard he always made time for me and had a reasonable work life balance.

DD is 3 and whilst DH was unsure about us having kids, he’s a great dad. However, his attitude to work has changed completely and he works less, doesn’t have his work phone on him constantly, and is just different. He doesn’t prioritise work any longer, he does what’s needed and that’s that.

Opportunities for promotion recently came up, to a position he’s wanted since I’ve known him. However, he’s not putting himself forward. When I asked why, he said life was different now and he can’t devote the time he needs to achieving what he wants professionally without being a rubbish dad. He said he was sad but accepted it and DD came first, and that the extra money doesn’t compensate for him not being around

I just feel really sad that the driven man I married has given up on his ambitions. I don’t really know what I’m trying to ask, I just thought things would remain the same after DD.

Wow YABU.
I applaud your husband for putting family time before work.

This!

I was wondering this too.

Why feel sad? This is the opposite of what many men would do. My ex pushed ahead with his ambition to work overseas and left me to deal with the kids on and off (mainly on) for 7yrs. I wish he had said to himself that he no longer had that same passion whilst kids were young and would wait until they went off to Uni. Because now I’m dealing with the consequences of a 15yr old DD who won’t stay with him anymore and a 19yr old DS who idolises him still and thinks the sun shines out of his backside most of the time. DD is much savvier and can see her dad is far from perfect. It makes me sad that DS still sees him that way, but also sadder than I know deep down he also resents him but won’t show it in the same way. I wish my kids could say both my parents worked hard in their careers and I’m proud of them but both put us kids first. Instead they’ve only one parent who put them first, and who is now living with the regret.

I’d be congratulating him on putting his daughter first. I think it’s pretty sad you’re saying this. Is it driven by the loss of the salary or status the new role would bring? Give your head a wobble and think of your daughter first

He sounds like a great dad. Why be sad for him?

@ReceptionOpeningTimes I understand where you’re coming from. Ambition is very attractive to some people and it does make you feel differently if they’re suddenly a very different person.

We change as our circumstances change, that's how life works. He enjoys being around DD more, isn't it great!

It sounds like his ‘persona’ as an ambitious and high flying is a big part of what you were attracted to? Are you struggling to find the new version of him attractive?

Maybe he is focusing his drive on his family.
Maybe he doesn’t want to miss out on his child growing up.
Maybe he thinks that some of the corporate stuff is bullshit.

Think about what you are asking him to miss out on. Also reflect that right now that promotion might not be the right thing. He might end up doing the role and the parenting badly and lose out on both.

Reverse?

You can't go very far on here without finding a post about a man who couldn't give a damn about his children. I would focus on being grateful that this post isn't another one of those to add to the pile.

He is probably quite content with the status quo for now. Once kids are in full time school he’ll probably get his drive back. Just enjoy the time right now.

Sounds like he has a new ambition, being a great dad. Lucky you and your child.

I have to say, that this is a bit of a first for MN.

So many posts on here, where men put their career first and are never at home. Everyone agrees, they are rubbish Dads and crap husbands.

You have one who is obviously doing well in work, but now wants to prioritise his family. I think it’s bloody brilliant. Well done to your husband.

You know the only thing my dad has said he regrets in life is having work to much when me and my sister where young. He doesn't have a close relationship with me at all, he didn't spend the time with me when younger to build a strong relationship.

Sounds like your DH has realised that his family is more important then work. While you may miss his driven side for work you should be proud he's willing to put your family first. Especially if that's what he wants in life.

Don't forget an employer will replace you tomorrow without much thought where as family are for life.

He sounds brilliant and a total keeper.

TBH a lot of the older, still driven people men I know are absolute knobheads. Put more value on playing the game and their own ego than anything else.

When DH and I met, both of us were driven. We both ended up with life crises and now our focus is on enjoying our lives. We are very very much happier with our lives for this, despite a sense of loss.

I think you are being massively selfish and unreasonable - poor man 🥲

What are your own ambitions OP ?

He sounds fantastic. Also echo others... what do you do OP and how has that changed since having your child?

I'm reading it as he grew up and identified his priorities?

Nobody ever leaves this world day they worked more. I was definitely more ambitious before children. I actively positioned myself in family friendly role and organisation. Now they are in double digits I am back pushing up.

Just for context are you personally ambitious, prioritising promotions? How have you changed since becoming a parent?

Good for him, I think that is much better for your DD.

From what you have said here your DH sounds like he has a good career and is a devoted father.

Priorities change. This is life.

You literally have the holy grail.

Be happy or chuck him my way

Interesting one if you reverse it...

My husband could easily be earning alot more and go for more senior roles but he currently works from home, flexibly, can do most drop off and pick ups and is there for the kids when they need him. I'd take that any day over an 'ambitious' workaholic