To feel sad about DH giving up his ambitions?

[ReceptionOpeningTimes]

DH works in one of the professions and when we met was ambitious and driven. He worked hard and played hard (to use the cliche) and it was one of the things that attracted me to him. Despite working hard he always made time for me and had a reasonable work life balance.

DD is 3 and whilst DH was unsure about us having kids, he’s a great dad. However, his attitude to work has changed completely and he works less, doesn’t have his work phone on him constantly, and is just different. He doesn’t prioritise work any longer, he does what’s needed and that’s that.

Opportunities for promotion recently came up, to a position he’s wanted since I’ve known him. However, he’s not putting himself forward. When I asked why, he said life was different now and he can’t devote the time he needs to achieving what he wants professionally without being a rubbish dad. He said he was sad but accepted it and DD came first, and that the extra money doesn’t compensate for him not being around

I just feel really sad that the driven man I married has given up on his ambitions. I don’t really know what I’m trying to ask, I just thought things would remain the same after DD.

Isn't this what happens to alot of women? Why is it different because its a man? I wish my husband would see this!

Another one thinking it’s a reverse.

As wife of one of these - yep 💯

What do you do for work OP? Do you earn as much as he does and resent him for slowing down while you're still trying to climb the ladder? Were you relying on his ambition to pay for the lifestyle you hoped to achieve?

This has got to be a reverse....

Well you know you’re being unreasonable - or you would be if you complained about it to him, but you feel how you feel.

His career drive will probably return once she’s at school so it’s not necessarily for ever.

Other than that, practice some gratitude for who he is as a person, the benefits of being married to a committed husband and father, what you still find attractive about him. Everyone changes through a long marriage. And if he was a deadbeat dad who avoided responsibility by spending all his time in the office, you’d probably be more pissed off.

Also, it sounds like you’ve relied on him to complete a part of you, so you might consider what you can to take up the reigns of your own power and career. You might surprise yourself.

I don’t think it’s true nobody ever regretted not achieving more career/financial success on their death bed - I think people often do.

But everything has a season and if you can step back when you have young kids, that’s all to the good.

It's a funny one OP. I guess you need to shift your expectations of him. If you don't desperately need the additional dosh that is.
My dh is full on with work. It has always taken priority. Holidays he is always on his phone. It has been a nightmare sometimes over the years. The thing is, he couldn't have been any different; I couldn't change him. It's just the way he's built.
I think our job is to accommodate it, and to learn acceptance, and to work desperately hard to keep the family unit together. He'll feel the disappointment from you if you allow it to linger. Maybe you could see a relationship counsellor to help you share this with him so you can both move on with a fresh perspective?

You don't sound harsh, and your feelings about this are entirely normal. Good luck.

This is one of the more depressing things I’ve read on here. I hope your husband hasn’t picked up on your feelings.

He sounds like the perfect husband and father to me!! But then ambition is a foreign term to me, and I would never be with a driven and ambitious partner to begin with - I find it sad when someone's work is apparently the main focus of their life.

We are all different.

I agree with most of the other posters. It doesn't sound like you are sad for him (as it sounds like he's choosing the thing that's important to him and makes him happy) . It sounds like you are sad for you that you have lost some of your attraction to him.. and I could imagine the extra money that a promotion might have brought (I'm not saying that is the case, but obviously they are connected) .

Are you working op or not? Have your career aspirations changed since DC came along or are you still in the same place / mindset as before DC?

Is this a weird reverse by an MRA trying to make a point about gender roles or something? I can’t fathom why anyone would have a problem with their husband having a healthy work/life balance and being a dedicated and involved parent?

Unless you're a famous artist or an architect, the only thing you leave behind when you die is the effect you had on the people around you. Your dd growing up knowing that her dad prioritised her more than his life will be a comfort for her forever, and very likely inspire the way she parents her own children, and they theirs

From someone whose dad only focused in his career and success, its pretty shit as a child. He didn't have any time for us, and you are fully aware that not only he has no time but no interest whatsoever. His own self worth was his work and being perceived as successful.

My own DH also changed his priorities when our first child was born and I am really grateful for it. I really love him more for that. Not just because my kids enjoy the attention and care of both patents but also because this allowed me to grow in my career. I feel more equal as his wife. He is still in a senior role but does not want to have the top job. I wouldn't either. Why having suffocating jobs when you can have a very good lifestyle (AND time). I don't want the top job. Neither does he. Life is too short.

His drive to succeed might not have been reduced by the arrival of your daughter. A lot of people realise that, after you have a arrived at a financial stage where you can buy the things that you really need to live the whole treadmill of working every harder and longer to buy things you don't need is a crock of shit.

I have a demanding career and while I am not a high flier and probably don't earn that much by SE standards, I am a higher rate tax payer to give an indication.

I would definitely be several rungs up if I wasn't also a parent. As I became a single parent, it wasn't exactly a choice but even had we stayed together and he'd been the perfect partner and dad so I could concentrate on my career, I wouldn't have. I've never wanted to be a SAHM (not a judgement just a personal choice) but I did want to be there for most bed time stories, parents evenings, school plays etc. Didn't manage them all but did most and my relationship with my DC is stronger as a result. I sought to balance career with DC. Now they're grown up, my career is taking off again. Sometimes ambition isn't abandoned just postponed for what the person feels is something more valuable.

You can't have everything in life.
Overworked money driven dads are often absent and then suddenly the kids are adults. I'd be happy he was still in a good job and being a present dad.

And what do you do professionally OP?

are you still pursuing your work ambitions exactly the same as before you became a parent?

Without having met him... Is this why he was on the fence about having children? He's an "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing properly" type of guy? Maybe these are his core values, rather than just "I like to work" or whatever. In which case, he hasn't changed in that sense. It's just that "being a dad" is now what he's doing properly.

But to echo others, if this is your main worry in life, you have no worries.

Another one asking whether your ambition and drive is exactly the same as before?

You need to appreciate that he is prioritising your child

Are you super driven in your professional career OP?

Bloody hell OP.
Geez, he wants to prioritise a relationship with his daughter.
I totally don't understand your problem.

He's had an epiphany. He has realised that there are more important things in life than work.

Totally 💯

What is your work and your ambition? Have your priorities changed since becoming a mother? Why wouldn't his?