To feel sad about DH giving up his ambitions?

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DH works in one of the professions and when we met was ambitious and driven. He worked hard and played hard (to use the cliche) and it was one of the things that attracted me to him. Despite working hard he always made time for me and had a reasonable work life balance.

DD is 3 and whilst DH was unsure about us having kids, he’s a great dad. However, his attitude to work has changed completely and he works less, doesn’t have his work phone on him constantly, and is just different. He doesn’t prioritise work any longer, he does what’s needed and that’s that.

Opportunities for promotion recently came up, to a position he’s wanted since I’ve known him. However, he’s not putting himself forward. When I asked why, he said life was different now and he can’t devote the time he needs to achieving what he wants professionally without being a rubbish dad. He said he was sad but accepted it and DD came first, and that the extra money doesn’t compensate for him not being around

I just feel really sad that the driven man I married has given up on his ambitions. I don’t really know what I’m trying to ask, I just thought things would remain the same after DD.

When you met and fell in love with a driven man did you envisage him really succeeding in his career and becoming very wealthy, are you mourning the life that you thought you would have

This has got to be a reverse....

Or gold digger

sounds like it's OP's ambitions that are being sidelined.

I would just see it as a phase of life. While your DD is tiny it makes sense to prioritise her, and put work on the back burner. Once she's more independent he might want to devote more time to his career again.

Do you have enough money?
Are you ambitious in your job?
You can always work harder and let your DH do more with your DD if it is money or progression you crave.

You should have married me, OP. Parenthood made me more ambitious than before. (Paying for childcare makes you start to work very smart.

My husband and friend's husbands chose not to climb further up the ladder so they could see their kids growing up. It's a good thing. Others who did ended up either massively stressed, regretful or had affairs!

I don’t necessarily think YABU. You say he had a reasonable work balance, worked hard AND played hard, but now won’t put himself forward for promotion. It’s not necessarily the binary choice some posters have suggested, ie be a great dad, never see your child. I know many super dads who have great jobs, and great life balance - more holidays, more money, more choice to delegate to others, more time to coach kids’ teams, as a result of their drive. And super mums too. It’s not wrong to query how his values have changed.

Yes I agree. It's great to see a new father taking his responsibilities seriously. 😁

You liked that your partner worked hard and played hard, but your lifestyle has changed now and it sounds like he has adjusted.

Are your concerns financial? If not then I'd think about why you are resistant to him stepping up as a dad, does it undermine you or make you view him differently? Is it your lifestyle change?

OMG. You have a man any number of women would love to have.

Sounds like he is still driven - to be a good dad

No one ever says 'I wish I had devoted more time to work' on their deathbed. He has the intelligence and willpower to know that.

If the roles were reversed we wouldn’t question it. Women are constantly forced to become less ambitious even if it’s not what they want to do. It’s sweet that he is putting the children first.

The question is do you need the extra money? Are you more ambitious career wise? Maybe ask him what his long term goals are - it sounds like he is family oriented which I think is powerful. As the time and effort that would most likely go into a career and go into the children.

I’m sorry but you must have very limited experience of life indeed if you’ve never encountered anyone who desperately wished they’d had the opportunity to make something of themselves career-wise. Many many women experience this, for a start.

OP I get it. I would have found it very odd if either of us had become clock-watchers because we had children; it’s not who we are. The poster who finds people who dedicate a huge swathe of their lives to work ‘sad’ will be able to dry her tears the day someone who’s done just that saves the life of someone she cares about.

It is true that we all have to adjust once we have children - we remain extremely dedicated but we attend far fewer conferences etc because
we need to prioritise things a little differently. There are opportunities neither of us has taken due to our family; this stage won’t last forever.

You can't help how you feel but it is a bit ungrateful to mind that your DH now prioritises family over his career. I'm sure becoming a mother has changed you too, physically and emotionally.

When you get involved with another person, possibly get married and have a child things have changed. You might want to keep climbing up the career ladder but do you to consider your partner and child/children when you do this?

Your husband had realised that family time and time with your DD is more important than going for that big promotion just now. He might be aware of why this big promotion has come up. Maybe he knows he will have sort out problems, deal with hard to manage people and work long hours and he does not want to miss out on holidays and family time. He might feel that the extra money is not worth the time and stress just now.

Your DD is only 3 and maybe in the future when she is a bit older he might consider going for a promotion.

Are you currently working? Would you consider getting a PT job if family finances could do with extra money? If your husband has a bit of flexibility it might be worth considering this.

Look at what other woman have said here about career obsessed husbands and how it effected them and their kids. I think your lucky that your husband is the way he is.

I’m sorry but you must have very limited experience of life indeed if you’ve never encountered anyone who desperately wished they’d had the opportunity to make something of themselves career-wise. Many many women experience this, for a start.

I'm 64 and know a lot of people, but don't know anyone who "desperately wished they’d had the opportunity to make something of themselves career-wise". Some might question the choices they made in life, but that's not quite the same thing. Work is not the be all and end all of life - what a sad existence we would have if it were.

Is this a reverse? Who in their right mind can not find their dh attractive because he’s putting his dd first?

Op what’s your ambitions? You clearly want to be married to someone you deem successful in your eyes, but you fail to tell us about your own success and ambitions.

When you say you thought things would remain the same after you had children… what is it, aside from your husband’s career ambitions, that’s changed? Perhaps that’s the root cause of your discomfort: most people’s relationships and lifestyles change after they have children – many fewer hungover lie-ins on a weekend and a lot more standing in windswept playgrounds, bored out of your gourd. Laundry increases out of all proportion to just one extra person in the house. Suddenly there are fish fingers in the freezer. Spontaneous nights out are scuppered. If you’re awake in the middle of the night it’s because a small child did a sick or had a bad dream, and the minute they’re settled you seize the opportunity to sleep, rather than to have sex. Career ambitions dull in favour of time with family (ideally, for most people, I think). Life changes! It will change again when children get more independent.

I think you’re fairly unusual in wanting to see your DH on his phone more!

What is your career ambitions OP, are you meeting those?

People on mn say a lot about women having to give stuff up to be good parents, but most men I know have taken their foot off the pedal too as they don’t want to miss time with their kids, Let’s face it op, having it all is a big giant lie!! In the last few years I went back to work ft (I was in retail not a high flying career)and I did miss a lot of moments in the kids lives, was too tired in the evenings to be really present, didn’t see their homework for weeks etc. Your dh is right, if he fully went for what he wanted back then, he’d miss so much. Don’t feel sorry for him, priorities change! The problem is more it sounds like it bothers you because may have found it more appealing or think financially you wanted him to be higher up so you’d all be better off etc. And for some people that is a thing.

Nothing remains the same though and we all change. Sounds as though your husband has changed his perspective for the better, realising that whereas he was once very focused on money and career, he now appreciates that family is more important. It’s also unfair to expect him to be obsessed with work and to miss his daughter growing up. He sounds like a great dad.

This post is a bit mad. You'd prefer him to be on his work phone rather than interacting with his daughter?

He sounds like a great dad and I think you wouldn't like the reality of a father/husband who is at work 24/7. I think what you're really sad about is that maybe you won't be as rich as you thought.