To comment on being ‘airbrushed’ out of girl weekend IG post

[Readytoplay]

Last weekend, my friend organised a ‘girls' weekend’ for her birthday. In attendance were me, friend’s GF, another friend of hers from school and 4 of her Uni mates (that I hadn’t met prior to this trip). Yesterday friend who organised the trip posted on IG some pictures of the trip and tagged everyone but me. I really want to comment something along the lines of ‘it’s almost like I wasn’t there’ but not sure if I should. I haven't literally been airbrushed from the pictures, but It feels like I have been airbrushed from the event itself.

For context, I am autistic and really struggle with feeling valued as a person, due to the stigma that being ND has especially when I was a teen. I am just really hurt as it is bringing up the scars from school of no one wanting to be associated with the ‘SEN girl’.

AIBU to put a sarky/PA comment: mostly because I want to project how I feel. But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

YABU: don’t put a comment
YANBU: do put a comment.

@Readytoplay - this woman has been your friend since you were both four - do you really think she would fail to tag you in the photos, on purpose, just to hurt you? Or is it more likely that she hasn’t tagged you by mistake or because of some tech issue?

As someone who suffers from depression, anxiety and low self esteem, I really do understand wanting you to protect your mental health, but I agree with @StepAwayFromGoogling that, by obsessing over this, you are not protecting your mental health - you are damaging it.

I would suggest you try to see this issue in proportion - look at it in the context of all the years of friendship with this woman, all the support and love you have given each other, and all the great times you have had - if you look at it that way, can you see that all the good things from the friendship greatly outweigh this one issue? If you put it in proportion like this, I think it will help you cope with your feelings.

I agree with this.

Its not an oversight - It’s your friend that tagged the photos she included everyone else & excluded you, knowing how that might make you feel, although you are in the actual photos…

Personally, I’d leave it. Although I would take a step back.

Two questions:

are you actually in the photos?

if yes, are you SURE this isn’t just a mistake/oversight?

if you think this is purposeful, message your friend PRIVATELY, saying ‘hey can you edit your post and tag me in it please? Had a great weekend and want it to be on my tagged photos too’

or if you’re more banter-y go with something like ‘oi why haven’t you tagged me in your insta post?’

passive aggressiveness is the WORST way to handle a situation so please don’t do that.

The way you're writing about it, you'd think you'd been photoshopped out by the Politburo. Are you Trotsky? If not - get a grip!

I wouldn’t put a comment but would probably mention it casually the next time you see your friend, one to one and just explain how it made you feel. It was probably just an error.

Is your insta set up so you can be tagged?

I wouldn’t put the comment no. If they’re picture you can normally tag yourself so maybe do that instead.

People cannot be certain it wasn't an oversight. The only way to know is to actually talk to the friend.

Will making a sarky make your life better?

Woll you be invited again?

Will your friend start dodging your calls and phase you out?

This isn't intentionally excluding you I'm sure. It's happened to me and I merely commented beneath, 'AND moi! 😂'. The response was ' Oooops! AND Daliah! xxx'

@Verbena17 doesn’t make it any less irksome in the real world, I’m afraid.

It really isn't a big deal. Just let it go.

You have massively overreacted on this. You do have reasons for overreacting (autism and past trauma that you haven't worked through), but that doesn't make it any less of an overreaction.

Forgetting to tag someone is not intended as an insult in the vast majority of cases. And this is your good friend, so why would you assume it was intended as an insult?

You say that you don't want to portray "the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational", but that is exactly the vibe your responses here are giving out. I think you need to work on your issues, in whichever way best suits you, before you alienate the people around you.

Having read so many posts by people who have not been invited to events by their erstwhile friends, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You were invited and enjoyed yourself, that is what is important.

I'm sure she just forgot! If she's your friend and she invites you to things, why on earth would she deliberately exclude you on a Facebook tag. She included photos of you. Maybe started typing your name to tag you and didn't select you properly or something? Anyway, can't you tag yourself? If not, ask her to. Personally I can't stand being tagged so I'd be very relieved in your position!

You saw the photos didn't you?

Therefore there was no need to tag you if you regularly see what she posts.

She may have tagged the others as they don't often look or comment in what she posts.

You are very quick to leap in and antagonise with a sarcastic comment, so perhaps reconsider how much you actually like her because it seems like you're waiting for a chance to pick on her.

This.

I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt.

OP, you sound great and very brave.

It is not easy to go away on a weekend like that.

Sometimes it can be helpful to ask yourself what would be their motivation to want to hurt you?

If you cannot think of anything then it just might be an oversight

Taking into account you’re ND and mental health I’d say you’re obsessing.

sorry if I’m not being ‘gentle’ enough but come on! You’re here telling us how you’ve been friends since you were 4, how you speak and see each other all the time and how close you are, yet apparently she’s potentially a cow that’s airbrushed you? Can you not see how that just doesn’t fit?

I’d bet money it’s nothing more than an error. I have six kids, I have definitely forgotten to tag various ones occasionally.

But at the same I don’t want to be meet the stereotype of Autistic= difficult/confrontational.

It IS confrontational. I understand you are really hurt, but don't commit social suicide like that.

Even if not tagging you was on purpose and you want to have nothing to do with her ever again, why do an aggressively nasty comment in public and reduce the chances of everyone else (not involved in this fiasco) wanting to hang out with you?

Most people who see your comment will think you are overreacting to what could have been (even if it wasn't) a genuine error, or just won't want to hang out with someone who gets embroiled in drama.

If you want to make a point, just put a neutral comment like "had a great time x". If she did it on purpose, she'll read it as it was meant to be read. If she actually forgot, it'll remind her to tag you.

Bit harsh.

You’ve obviously got nothing to worry about either, since you’ve felt the need to leave an unnecessarily harsh comment on a strangers post on the internet.

Also I've been excluded like you mention before. But in my case, the host had invited me and a guest who clearly disliked me put up a pic with everyone else but me and of course didn't tag me. If the host herself invited you plus put up a pic with you, there's no reason to assume she was trying to exclude you by leaving out a tiny tag. I lean towards error too.

Sorry, for the late response. I was reading the full thread. For clarification, No: I wasn’t included in any of the pictures. Many pictures of myself in various group pics/single pictures were taken over the weekend. Yet, I am the only person who doesn’t feature on the post, I am disappointed about this, but oddly, it seams, the lack of tag upsets me more.
I am finding it difficult to believe that this was an oversight, I.e Anne not realising that I wasn’t in the post. But I do accept that their maybe reasons for this that are understandable.

1. All the pictures with me looked crap (either myself, Anne or others looked unflattering, blinking, picture was blurry)
2. This was a post for her Uni friends. They had met Anne’s Gf and other school friend before, hence why they were included . Whilst I find this hurtful, as I was still part of the weekend, I can comprehend this.
3. She was trying to hide my presence as i know she was pressured in middle school for being my friend as it’s a social taboo for cool kids like Anne to be friends with special kids like me. This likely had an impact on her, and similar to me wants to protect herself and mental well-being for being criticised for who she associates with. This is a society issue but I appreciate her caring about her own well-being.

These are only some of the reasons I can think of. However I should point out that Anne is very much aware about my confidence issues about the acceptance of me within social groups.
I agree that a chat is probably the best cause of action and will talk to her tonight, as I have to go to her house latter anyway (for completely unrelated reasons). so will be diplomatic and understanding but honest on how I feel.

@Readytoplay she invited you; she clearly isn’t too ashamed to be with you. The only logical explanation is the first one in your list.

this. YANBU for feeling a bit hurt, but YABU to post some comment, without getting in touch with your friend. It could just have been an oversight. YOu can do this by saying what a great weekend etc... and as above