Daughter rejection :(

[James365]

Hi, let me start by stating that I’m not looking for sympathy and understanding. I just want to get this off my chest and listen to any advice that may be on offer.

To cut a very long story short, my now 20 year old daughter wants nothing to do with me. This has gone on for ten years and has even gone through the courts when she was younger. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong to cause this. In fact, quite the opposite.

At the end of the day, what point would there be in me writing an anonymous post on this forum if it was full of lies? So please, dear reader, bear with me...

I come from a very stable and healthy background with good morals, strong work ethics and I believe I brought my daughter up well. Her mother meanwhile has been in and out of mental institutions all her life and at one point even admitted to the police her intentions to take my daughter’s life. My belief is that since our divorce 12 years ago, my ex wife has manipulated my daughter through jealousy and her own mental condition to turn her against me. I’ve been reading about Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome along with Children with Personality Disorders and this pretty much sums this all up.

During the past ten years, I don’t feel like I’ve interfered or gone out of my way to cause any problems. But each time I’ve tried to rebuild relations with my daughter I’m eventually met with rejection. This has lasted for so long because I’ve been determined not to give up. However, my daughter has now expressly told me once and for all that she wants nothing more to do with me. Why? Who knows?! I honestly have absolutely no idea. I know for a fact I’m not a bad person. I don’t drink, smoke or take drugs. I have always had a very good and stable job and have never shunned my responsibilities.

I have another daughter with whom I have a perfectly normal relationship with which goes even further in trying to justify my other daughter’s decision. It’s all very frustrating.

So now here’s the crunch. This is the bit that’s made me want to write this post. Despite my daughter’s complete rejection, she is still expecting me to pay her mobile phone bill. It may not seem like much. And money-wise, it isn’t a lot. But in principal I’m struggling to get my head around the cheek of it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me but still expects me to put my hand in my pocket. This is coming from a 20 year old woman who is perfectly capable of getting a job on the side of her uni studies to pay for things like this. Not to mention my late father leaving her a five-figure sum in his will 2 years ago.

Do you see where I’m coming from? Am I being unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own phone use?

It’s pointless having a conversation with her mother and she just repeats how poor she is herself (despite taking regular overseas holidays) and can’t believe that I would even consider stopping paying for the phone bill.

I’m at the point now where I’m considering altering my will to write my daughter out and leave everything to my other daughter. When I eventually die, there will be a considerable sum left behind and I’m struggling to understand why my daughter that has rejected me for ten years should in any way benefit from it. Do you?

Thank you for reading.

Did you support her financially when you and her mother divorced? What did the court rule about contact?

Dealing solely with the AIBU, no, you’re not unreasonable to stop paying the phone bill. Is the contract in your name, or do you pay her money to cover it?

I don’t doubt the sincerity with which you wrote this, but I’m sceptical of any story which is so one-sided and doesn’t acknowledge any failings. It’s hard to give much advice on that basis.

If you set aside the relationship issue and simply look at the facts, the answer may become clear.
You are paying for a mobile phone of a 20 y/o person - an adult who relies on handouts instead of looking for a job, using her student maintenance or dipping into inheritance funds.
I would say, the only reason you are doing it, is because you hope it will make a difference to your relationships going forward. It likely won't.

Have you asked her why she feels like this? What answer does she give?

I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong to cause this. In fact, quite the opposite.

As with @LongTimeListener1 I get warning bells when someone in such an extreme and unusual situation takes the position they've done nothing wrong at all and it's all on the other parties. Hints of a lack of self-awareness that could mask a whole other side of the story. That said, you don't have to pay the phonebill at this point. You've been rejected for over a decade anyway so it's not likely to make or break things. I'd wait and see on the will. She's still got a lot of growing up to do and you never know how things may change.

Reasonable to stop paying her phone bill but I wouldn't cut her out of the will

Just tell her that no relationship means no relationship. Stop paying the bill. She's an adult

I'm a man and I ain't buying what you're selling buddy. YABU.

At one time I would have been with LongTimeListener1 and Pinkdelight3 on this but my partner is going through something similar and I can see him being in your exact position in the future. According to his ex and kids, he’s done a whole list of things wrong but when you look at it objectively he actually hasn’t, to them though, not doing what they want equals doing something wrong. The only thing he’s guilty of is being too soft.

If your daughter wants nothing to do with you, then that includes having nothing to do with your money too. Stop paying her phone bill and take her out of your will financially, you can always change it if there’s a reconciliation. I’d still leave her personal belongs, mementoes or sentimental items to show her that you’ve always loved her though.

I am in agreement to this.
It's hard to pass comment when we don't have the mothers or your daughters take on things.

I agree with the PP who said if she wants nothing to do with you, then that also has to extend to your assets. Especially if she can't even explain to you what it looks like from her side. Stop paying for her phone and write her out of your will. Doesn't have to be permanent but right now she refuses a relationship with you so - why should she benefit financially?

Of course the partner of a man in OP's position will share that perspective, and think it's right to cut the DD out of the will. But again that won't be the whole story. The nice guy being too soft and the ex and DC being completely wrong - truth usually lies somewhere in the middle and is hard to see from the inside.

Children don't cut their parents off for no reason. They just don't.

given her mother's issues, didn't you apply to have full custody of her as a child? did anything come of that?

Stop paying for the phone and try to reconcile yourself to the fact that she may never want to have a relationship with you, for whatever reason. It really is shitty, but you can't force her.

Hmm. There is a couple of conflicts here. Even ignoring the fact that the OP is full of details and yet never seems to suggest you have ever done anything to contribute to this situation.

You say this has been going on for 10 years with your 20 year old daughter and then go on to say you think you brought her up well. I don't see how both of those statements can be true - no need to explain them, but perhaps there is room there for self reflection?

You say you think she has been manipulated by her mentally unwell mother and suffering from Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome. And yet you then want to use your money to somehow get even or punish her as if her behaviour is something she has chosen. If she is 20 and has been manipulated by her unwell narcissistic mother for 10 years then she needs empathy, I think. By all means stop paything the phone bill but keep reaching out with love. If she is chosing to be grabby and mean, then she all the stuff about her mum is probably superfluous. Again, no need to explain to a stranger, but perhaps think on it?

Bearing in mind your ex wife's mental health history, what were the custody arrangements when you divorced as your DD was only 8 yr old then ? Who was taking care of your DDs when your Ex was an inpatient ?

I feel there are a lot of questions left unanswered that may explain the situation better. But to answer the one you asked, no I would not be paying a 20 yr old's phone bill even if I had a good relationship with her.

There’s literally no background info here. Why did you and mum break up?
What was your relationship with mum like prior to break up?
Why has there been no contact for 10 years?
What exactly have you tried in the last 10 years to rectify this?
Did you pay maintenance or financially support after the break up?
Youve been so vague about what has led to this point and it feels like you’re bigging ip your stable background/good job/present daughter to distract from other less favourable but relevant information.

If she wants nothing to do with you then you are reasonable to stop paying her mobile phone bill.

However, there will be a reason she doesn't want to see you. If you want a relationship with her I'd suggest asking her why and listening to her reply.

All other issues aside (we don’t know all sides to answer those) a 20year old adult should be paying their own phone bill.

It's interesting that in your very long waffley post you don't once mention the actual ins and outs of your relationship with your daughter over the past 10 years. You simply say you don't feel you "interfered".

What was your actual contact like from 8 when you split with her mother?
How has that evolved over the years?
What was the relationship with her mother post split like?

Your post has no indication on your role as a father.

I would like to know what steps you took to gain custody of the child because it sounds like her home life was probably chaotic. It’s not surprising that she is not a well adjusted adult.

This.
Can I also ask is your other daughters sister or stepsister and what age is she?

Stop paying her phone bill my all means. But do your daughters get on with each other? But as for the inheritance, one thing I can guarantee is that when one sibling gets left everything, and the other nothing, it will completely destroy their relationship with each other.

I'd like to hear her side of the story