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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter rejection :(

203 replies

James365 · 17/10/2023 11:41

Hi, let me start by stating that I’m not looking for sympathy and understanding. I just want to get this off my chest and listen to any advice that may be on offer.

To cut a very long story short, my now 20 year old daughter wants nothing to do with me. This has gone on for ten years and has even gone through the courts when she was younger. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong to cause this. In fact, quite the opposite.

At the end of the day, what point would there be in me writing an anonymous post on this forum if it was full of lies? So please, dear reader, bear with me...

I come from a very stable and healthy background with good morals, strong work ethics and I believe I brought my daughter up well. Her mother meanwhile has been in and out of mental institutions all her life and at one point even admitted to the police her intentions to take my daughter’s life. My belief is that since our divorce 12 years ago, my ex wife has manipulated my daughter through jealousy and her own mental condition to turn her against me. I’ve been reading about Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome along with Children with Personality Disorders and this pretty much sums this all up.

During the past ten years, I don’t feel like I’ve interfered or gone out of my way to cause any problems. But each time I’ve tried to rebuild relations with my daughter I’m eventually met with rejection. This has lasted for so long because I’ve been determined not to give up. However, my daughter has now expressly told me once and for all that she wants nothing more to do with me. Why? Who knows?! I honestly have absolutely no idea. I know for a fact I’m not a bad person. I don’t drink, smoke or take drugs. I have always had a very good and stable job and have never shunned my responsibilities.

I have another daughter with whom I have a perfectly normal relationship with which goes even further in trying to justify my other daughter’s decision. It’s all very frustrating.

So now here’s the crunch. This is the bit that’s made me want to write this post. Despite my daughter’s complete rejection, she is still expecting me to pay her mobile phone bill. It may not seem like much. And money-wise, it isn’t a lot. But in principal I’m struggling to get my head around the cheek of it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me but still expects me to put my hand in my pocket. This is coming from a 20 year old woman who is perfectly capable of getting a job on the side of her uni studies to pay for things like this. Not to mention my late father leaving her a five-figure sum in his will 2 years ago.

Do you see where I’m coming from? Am I being unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own phone use?

It’s pointless having a conversation with her mother and she just repeats how poor she is herself (despite taking regular overseas holidays) and can’t believe that I would even consider stopping paying for the phone bill.

I’m at the point now where I’m considering altering my will to write my daughter out and leave everything to my other daughter. When I eventually die, there will be a considerable sum left behind and I’m struggling to understand why my daughter that has rejected me for ten years should in any way benefit from it. Do you?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Coffeebutter · 17/10/2023 14:26

To add to my post …
she needs to be viewed with utmost sympathy. She’s clearly been scared by having an unstable upbringing with a mother with mental health issues.
These are her battle scars - she will not show it but probably has trauma and need your love.
the LEAST you could do is pay for her bill.
your attitude says more about you than you realise.
Think HUMILITY, LOVE AND EMPATHY
she’s not 20 when she deals with you - she’s the 10 year girl hurting at a very delicate time of life .

LongTimeListener1 · 17/10/2023 14:26

Lookingatthesunset · 17/10/2023 14:24

That's NOT what so many posters are saying. They are complaining the post is one-sided. Of fucking course it is!!

Show quote history

I think what you’ve taken to be a complaint is just an helpful observation. But yeah, sure, OP is definitely blameless and has nothing to reflect on.

And don’t be so shouty.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/10/2023 14:27

Just ask questions instead if you want to become involved in the thread. If not, just scroll on.

Thanks, but I'm fine as I am. Scroll on by all means if it's bothering you.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 17/10/2023 14:27

I firmly believe that somewhere amongst all this is a terrified young lady who desperately doesn't want to do anything to upset her mum as she knows the consequences could be bad if she 'steps out of line.

Then don't cut her out. Forget your will for now. Focus on trying to build a relationshipw ith your dd.

What happened with your ex? When did you separate? How much did you see your dc afterwards? When your ex was having poor mental health, I assume the lived with you - or did they stay with their mum? Are they scarred by that experience? They must be.

Who is the mother of your other dd?

Beautiful3 · 17/10/2023 14:29

I think I'd try one last time to conconsile with her. If she ignored me still, I would change the will. I believe you should reward good behaviour. My parents have adjusted their will, to reflect how much their adult children help them. I think this is fair and rewards good behaviour. If your daughter changes behaviour, then you can pay to amend the will accordingly.

CheshireCat1 · 17/10/2023 14:30

If you love your daughter I would carry on paying the phone bill because it’s still a connection to your daughter.

TheShellBeach · 17/10/2023 14:30

Lookingatthesunset · 17/10/2023 14:24

That's NOT what so many posters are saying. They are complaining the post is one-sided. Of fucking course it is!!

Show quote history

No.
Posters are saying that the OP has failed to give any background into why his wife and one of his daughters seem to think he's the devil incarnate, while the other daughter has a good relationship with him.

It doesn't help people to give advice if the OP doesn't say anything other than "my ex is mentally ill and has poisoned my daughter's mind against me."

LadyBevvy · 17/10/2023 14:31

To all the people saying children don't just go NC with their parent - yes, they do.

OP, keep paying your daughter's phone bill to keep her in your life. I guarantee that at some point, she will come back into your life.

lotusfruit · 17/10/2023 14:33

I agree, it's more common than you think. It's utterly heartbreaking.

girlfriend44 · 17/10/2023 14:33

How selfish to tell your father you don't want to see him again? No thought for him.

What is she teaching her children?

Enjoy the daughter you've got and don't pay her phone bill. What a cheek dosent want to see you but wants your money.

itsmyp4rty · 17/10/2023 14:34

I firmly believe that somewhere amongst all this is a terrified young lady who desperately doesn't want to do anything to upset her mum as she knows the consequences could be bad if she 'steps out of line'. Subsequently, this has lasted for so long that it's become ingrained in her mind.

If that's what you think why would you stop paying her phone bill if it's not a problem financially and why would you want to cut her out your will? It just seems punitive and could cause huge upset between her and her sister. At the end of the day she's still your child.

girlfriend44 · 17/10/2023 14:36

So it's all on her terms then, she yields this horrible power over her father.
What else will she ask for?
She needs to learn how to treat her father. Disgusting and Selfish .Not much of a daughter.

bronzetomato · 17/10/2023 14:41

A parent should strive to be the wiser and more mature person in a parent child relationship.
Pay the bill. Let her have time to grow as an adult. She needs to see things as they are for herself. She feels best by cutting you off, so let her think she is. While she's asking for her bill to be paid she's actually keeping an opening.

You are her father and you can be patient. Don't compare her to her sibling. Don't think about cutting her from your will. She's cross with the way life was for her as a child. She needs someone to blame. Be that person.
Wait it out.
If you do then you will have no regrets as a father.

forevaworried · 17/10/2023 14:42

@Yalta I’m sorry you had this experience. I’m aware social services don’t always get it right, as I mentioned in my post. I’m not implying that what he said about the mother is untrue. I’m sure she does have mental health issues, many parents do, but this doesn’t mean every parent is going to subject their child to the same horrible life you were. And if OP was concerned that his ex was prepared to go to these lengths then it wouldn’t all have ended when the child was 15 with no further action from mental health services or social services. He would have fought tooth and nail to have custody, but instead insists he “didn’t interfere”. Why did he not interfere? Because ultimately he didn’t actually want to be the sole guardian, or because he knew that the mother wasn’t that unfit to warrant his child to be taken out of her care. It really annoys me (to put it mildly) when absent fathers make a big song and dance about what decent men they are and what awful witches their exes are when in actual fact they’ve sat back and let all the decisions to be made for them or made not enough effort themselves to rectify the situation. Because ultimately they don’t want the responsibility of being a full time single parent because “traditionally” it’s the mothers job to stay home take the career hit and financial burden.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/10/2023 14:42

girlfriend44 · 17/10/2023 14:36

So it's all on her terms then, she yields this horrible power over her father.
What else will she ask for?
She needs to learn how to treat her father. Disgusting and Selfish .Not much of a daughter.

Really, girlfriend.

dottypotter · 17/10/2023 14:45

bronzetomato · 17/10/2023 14:41

A parent should strive to be the wiser and more mature person in a parent child relationship.
Pay the bill. Let her have time to grow as an adult. She needs to see things as they are for herself. She feels best by cutting you off, so let her think she is. While she's asking for her bill to be paid she's actually keeping an opening.

You are her father and you can be patient. Don't compare her to her sibling. Don't think about cutting her from your will. She's cross with the way life was for her as a child. She needs someone to blame. Be that person.
Wait it out.
If you do then you will have no regrets as a father.

Awww shame she's cross is she. Well lots of people could moan about their parents but they accept nobody Is perfect and love and respect all the same. Nochilren were perfect growing up.either.

She's well old enough to know how to treat someone, just sounds not a nice person?

Just ask her how she'd like it her child cut her off, bet she's not even thinking that way but would she like it?

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2023 14:47

I find it interesting that there are so many people calling out the one-sided nature of the post, when every single thread-starter in AIBU is just as one-sided- it's the self-selecting nature of this section in its entirety - and 99% of them don't get that kind of response.

Thanks for saying this. I was going to say that whenever a female poster posts about the
behaviour of an ex or current partner no one says "but we need to hear his side of the story*. It's all taken at face value.

Goldfish41 · 17/10/2023 14:48

Tinklyheadtilt · 17/10/2023 13:51

Would you say this to a woman posting here? No, you wouldn't.

Show quote history

I think they would actually if the woman was presenting themselves as absolutely perfect and with no responsibility for the situation whatsoever - that’s what’s raising people’s (mild) suspicions. All posts are one sided of course but most female posters tend to recognise things they have done that have contributed to a situation (to a fault in fact, see all the posts from women asking if it’s their fault/ TABU before reeling off horrifying encounters).

ClarkGablesMoustache · 17/10/2023 14:48

OP, you're not painting yourself with glory here. This young woman was left by her father age 8 in the care of a mother whom you describe as in and out of mental hospitals and with personality disorders. That isn't "bringing her up well", that's leaving her in a difficult situation.

Social services decided the mother was more fit than you to have custody of your daughter, which does nothing to imply you're the loving and supportive father you're posing as.

Instead of framing it as how to rebuild a relationship with her as a young adult, you're wanting endorsement from an online forum to cut off the final bit of financial support you're providing your student daughter, and cut her out of your will entirely. That's punishing her for not seeing you.

If you did "truly believe" there's a frightened and damaged young woman at the heart of this, you would act with compassion, not financial control.

Reugny · 17/10/2023 14:51

forevaworried · 17/10/2023 14:42

@Yalta I’m sorry you had this experience. I’m aware social services don’t always get it right, as I mentioned in my post. I’m not implying that what he said about the mother is untrue. I’m sure she does have mental health issues, many parents do, but this doesn’t mean every parent is going to subject their child to the same horrible life you were. And if OP was concerned that his ex was prepared to go to these lengths then it wouldn’t all have ended when the child was 15 with no further action from mental health services or social services. He would have fought tooth and nail to have custody, but instead insists he “didn’t interfere”. Why did he not interfere? Because ultimately he didn’t actually want to be the sole guardian, or because he knew that the mother wasn’t that unfit to warrant his child to be taken out of her care. It really annoys me (to put it mildly) when absent fathers make a big song and dance about what decent men they are and what awful witches their exes are when in actual fact they’ve sat back and let all the decisions to be made for them or made not enough effort themselves to rectify the situation. Because ultimately they don’t want the responsibility of being a full time single parent because “traditionally” it’s the mothers job to stay home take the career hit and financial burden.

When a child is 15 if they are "managing" with the parent they live with then SS will not force them to live with their other parent. In fact they wouldn't be interested unless the child's school decided that there was something really wrong.

The OP would not be able to take it to Family Court because the child is over 14.

Even with a child under 14 but 10+ if the judge decides the child understands what is going on and has some understanding of the consequences, they wouldn't be forced to live with the OP or even see him.

People on here think SS will intervene in situations e.g. children not being walked home by their parents at aged 8, a child of 13 being left home alone at night when they won't and never had unless the child is in danger.

ntmdino · 17/10/2023 14:51

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2023 14:47

I find it interesting that there are so many people calling out the one-sided nature of the post, when every single thread-starter in AIBU is just as one-sided- it's the self-selecting nature of this section in its entirety - and 99% of them don't get that kind of response.

Thanks for saying this. I was going to say that whenever a female poster posts about the
behaviour of an ex or current partner no one says "but we need to hear his side of the story*. It's all taken at face value.

Thing is, I don't have a problem with bias in itself - if the poster is self-aware enough to admit it. It's when they try to justify it - let's face it, there's just as much a chance of the stories being told to justify the assumption that men are at fault being one-sided bullshit as there is of the OP's post being so.

When that rubbish stops, an actual discussion can be had. This is, of course, the wrong section for that kind of expectation ;)

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/10/2023 14:55

Female posters get torn apart on here all the time. What forum are you guys reading?

ntmdino · 17/10/2023 14:57

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/10/2023 14:55

Female posters get torn apart on here all the time. What forum are you guys reading?

They do, but not with a majority of posters calling bullshit on their story for being one-sided.

MohairTortoise · 17/10/2023 14:59

Parental alienation happens more often than most people think.
It can be done subtlety, over a period of time. It is incredibly damaging to parents and children and creates trauma that can last for decades for both parents and their children. In some cases, it lasts a lifetime.
For parents who have been the victims of parental alienation, they are usually the last to know something is amiss until the child has been alienated.
For the posters who claim children don't cut their parents off for nothing, and that the parent must have committed some sin against their child for this to happen, I can only assume it has never happened to you.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/10/2023 15:02

ntmdino · 17/10/2023 14:57

They do, but not with a majority of posters calling bullshit on their story for being one-sided.

Edited
Show quote history

It's not his gender that's the problem. It's that he has presented himself as totally blameless an perfect because he has a job and isn't a criminal, shown no appreciation for the upheaval and trauma his daughter has experienced, has asked us about paying a phone bill rather than how to build a relationship with his daughter and wants to cut her off if she doesn't please him. There are holes the size of the Grand Canyon here.

To be honest, he's benefiting from being male because so many posters are too busy ignoring the issue to complain about this being noticed precisely because he's a man.