Daughter rejection :(

[James365]

Hi, let me start by stating that I’m not looking for sympathy and understanding. I just want to get this off my chest and listen to any advice that may be on offer.

To cut a very long story short, my now 20 year old daughter wants nothing to do with me. This has gone on for ten years and has even gone through the courts when she was younger. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong to cause this. In fact, quite the opposite.

At the end of the day, what point would there be in me writing an anonymous post on this forum if it was full of lies? So please, dear reader, bear with me...

I come from a very stable and healthy background with good morals, strong work ethics and I believe I brought my daughter up well. Her mother meanwhile has been in and out of mental institutions all her life and at one point even admitted to the police her intentions to take my daughter’s life. My belief is that since our divorce 12 years ago, my ex wife has manipulated my daughter through jealousy and her own mental condition to turn her against me. I’ve been reading about Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome along with Children with Personality Disorders and this pretty much sums this all up.

During the past ten years, I don’t feel like I’ve interfered or gone out of my way to cause any problems. But each time I’ve tried to rebuild relations with my daughter I’m eventually met with rejection. This has lasted for so long because I’ve been determined not to give up. However, my daughter has now expressly told me once and for all that she wants nothing more to do with me. Why? Who knows?! I honestly have absolutely no idea. I know for a fact I’m not a bad person. I don’t drink, smoke or take drugs. I have always had a very good and stable job and have never shunned my responsibilities.

I have another daughter with whom I have a perfectly normal relationship with which goes even further in trying to justify my other daughter’s decision. It’s all very frustrating.

So now here’s the crunch. This is the bit that’s made me want to write this post. Despite my daughter’s complete rejection, she is still expecting me to pay her mobile phone bill. It may not seem like much. And money-wise, it isn’t a lot. But in principal I’m struggling to get my head around the cheek of it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me but still expects me to put my hand in my pocket. This is coming from a 20 year old woman who is perfectly capable of getting a job on the side of her uni studies to pay for things like this. Not to mention my late father leaving her a five-figure sum in his will 2 years ago.

Do you see where I’m coming from? Am I being unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own phone use?

It’s pointless having a conversation with her mother and she just repeats how poor she is herself (despite taking regular overseas holidays) and can’t believe that I would even consider stopping paying for the phone bill.

I’m at the point now where I’m considering altering my will to write my daughter out and leave everything to my other daughter. When I eventually die, there will be a considerable sum left behind and I’m struggling to understand why my daughter that has rejected me for ten years should in any way benefit from it. Do you?

Thank you for reading.

If you actually think she would face serious consequences from her mother if she steps out of line can you not see the basis for her behaviour?

can you not be the safe parent? According to. You your daughter for the past decade has been tiptoeing around a seriously mentally ill parent. She needs help, have you tried visiting her at unit and talking in person in a neutral setting?

If you’re able to afford it then I would keep paying the phone bill. Yes she’s an adult and she should be trying to get a part time job, even a Christmas temp job whilst she’s studying but if you cut this off then you risk cutting all contact completely.

I guess it depends on what you want going forward. I wouldn’t compare the two daughters and your relationship with each, they are different people with their own personalities.
Are the girls full siblings or half siblings?

If you want to cut her off with the phone bill then go for it. She’s chosen to have a separate life form you and that’s her prerogative. By keeping the phone bill going then you are keeping a connection there and hopefully as she grows up she will realise you still cared enough ti keep it going.

Children aren't pay per view. I paid for my dc phone contracts when they were at uni. It's one small thing you're doing to make her life easier and you want to stop even that? You're not coming across as a loving parent from your OP.

Ask yourself would you continue paying for her mobile if she were in contact with you, if the answer is yes (which I think it is) then you should continue to pay. Don’t weaponise her emotional response to you while she’s still so young and while you say yourself that she may be influenced my the difficulties her mother is facing.

I’ve paid for my dcs phones throughout Uni and warned them that when the contracts end about six months after graduation I’ll stop being responsible for paying. This helps them to transition from partly dependent financially to complete independent.

Ive also been a daughter who cut off her father, maybe if he’d left the door open our relationship might have been restored before he died, but he didn’t and that told me he wasn’t that bothered. You’re the parent here, let her know you’ll always want a relationship and she can come back any time and if you need to talk about how hurt you feel so that with someone else.

If your daughter is troubled and a chaotic life is normal for her, then no I wouldn’t cut her off at all. If all you provide financially is an agreement to cover her phone bill, I wouldn’t stop paying it while she is still a student. And I certainly wouldn’t cut her out of your will at this stage.

Instead, I would consistently remind her that you love her and that you are there for her if ever she needs you or changes her mind about wanting to talk.

You readily admit that a chaotic life is normalised for her and that she is possibly acting out of fear of upsetting her mentally ill mum…coerced to choose her mum over you. At the age of twenty she is maybe only just beginning to realise how abnormal her upbringing actually was.
Give her a chance to grow up a bit without making things worse for her.
Make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs you. Be genuine and consistent about caring for her and loving her even if you have to accept she still doesn’t want to see you for now.

I can’t imagine why you would be thinking of cutting her off if you love her and are as upstanding and decent as you make out. Why would you think of leaving her vulnerable without her phone when it could be a life-line for her and when you can easily afford to pay it. It sounds mean and revengeful to me.

This happened to my step dad with his daughter and I can say hand on heart he’s the most wonderful man (known him for over 20 years) so I have no trouble believing your side, OP. It irks me that others aren’t just taking your post at face value. There are many women out there who control access to their kids to spite the fathers and the courts 95% of the time will take the side of the mother.

I would continue to pay her phone bill if you can afford to. Don’t give her another reason to hate you. And continue to try and build a relationship with her. Could you get her sister involved or are there grandparents that could help? If not, could you write her a letter?

Good luck OP.

Dude.
If you're so concerned that your DD is being manipulated by your ex, you should remain in her life, pay the phone bill and keep her in your will.

I wouldn't stop paying the phone bill or disinherit her.
20 is very young, a lot can change in the coming years. If you cut her off financially, then you are making it much less likely that you'll ever have a relationship with her.
If you continue to be consistent and caring, she may well choose to see you in the future.

Well this is a tricky one. Your daughter must be able to state the reasons for not wanting to see you. So what are they?
My neice's mum was a nightmare (alcoholic, manipulative, violent) and she tried to turn my neice against our family, from when she split up my with brother when neice was 6. But we persevered and kept loving her and being there for her, through her teenage angst, the lot. She's a woman now and is really close to our family. As soon as she was a young adult, we could basically see her reflecting and realising what her mother had tried to do and how we'd always been there for her and are good, loving people.
So, I feel like there must be a reason why your daughter has come to this conclusion as a young adult. What is it? Do you love her enough to persevere and try to mend your relationship? Because cutting her off is just proving her mother right.

Generally I would say a 20 year old who is capable of getting a job or claiming benefits at least, should pay for her own phone. However, in this case, since it's your only way of having contact, I would continue to pay. It's the only way she let's you show that you care. And as the mature adult, you should be the one to hold on to this sliver of a relationship that she allows. To cut her off now might actually be the reason she never reconciles with you in the future.

At 20 she may be legally grown up, but she's certainly got years in which to mature emotionally and maybe reconsider. Having a mother with mental health issues will have profoundly affected her and she has very likely been heavily swayed by her mother to take sides.

Keep whatever channels open that you can. Paying a phone contract is not such a big deal compared to potentially losing all hope of a relationship. (Which you still have even if you are not the perfect parent yourself, so I'd ignore those comments).

Personally I don’t think that not drinking, not smoking, having a good job and a ‘strong work ethic’ (ie a strong motivation to make money for yourself) make someone a good person. My ex narcissist would say all that about himself and he’d tell anyone who’d listen how useless and mentally unstable I am.

Also, you’re meant to love your children unconditionally….they’re not there to make you feel good about yourself. As a parent you need to put your emotions to one side. I think it’s extremely childish to say that you feel rejected and therefore don’t want to leave her any money. She’s very young and it sounds like her life has been chaotic…and you blame her mum for that so why do you want to punish her?

We don’t know your daughter’s mum’s side of the story and I don’t think it’s fair that you’re seeking validation (and receiving it!) from people who don’t know the full story. I imagine you’re picking out a few things that your ex has said/done and embellishing them to fit your narrative.

Her own words are at odds with what she wants then. She wants NC but she wants you to pay for a phone, a very thing contact happens on these days.

If I take what you say at face value and let’s face it every post here is a one sided event.

That phone, that’s the one bit of anything keeping you two connected. I’d keep paying it, it pay it because it’s a nominal amount to keep showing that if she ever changes her mind or needs you, you are there. That you’ve never cut her off. It’s what £20? A month it’s not huge in the grand scheme of things when it comes to one day her maybe turning up going dad actually I do want to have a relationship with you.

For all the nay sayers I hope to see you on the posts where women claim their ex are shits and horrible and abusive but courts are forcing them to hand over these children or else she will lose custody as all one sided and suspicions and whatever else comments you have about this poster 😉 because courts do get it wrong and sometimes abusive parents really do pull the wool over the eyes of those very people meant to protect our children.

She's still a young girl, and because of the damaging upbringing she's had it will have an affect on her maturity level.......I'd continue paying her phone bill until uni finishes and then stop.

Keep the door open for her to contact you but stop pushing for contact on your side, she'll grow up one day and see how damaging this is. If she doesn't then that's on her and you can make decisions about assets when she's a more rational adult.

I do buy your story, having known similar happen in families where primarily mothers hate their exs more than they love their kids. It's a sad and shitty situation where nobody wins.

I agree that if she wants nothing to do with you, that includes your money. I wouldn't give her a penny and write her out of the will, maybe leave it open for potential GCs. If in ten years she has come to her senses you can always re-write your will. It must be so hurtful to be rejected like that.

The Family Courts don't work like that - well unless it was the 1970s.

Personally I don’t think that not drinking, not smoking, having a good job and a ‘strong work ethic’ (ie a strong motivation to make money for yourself) make someone a good person.

Quite.
Donald Trump ticks all those boxes.

I think Donald certainly drinks and sniffs tbh

She's only 20 and the daughter of separated parents who went through a messy and bitter custody battle it would seem.

It was no fault of hers that this significant event was foisted upon her when she was at a vulnerable age.
Since then she has been 'ammo' in the battle and made to pin her colours to the mast in court at aged 15.

I'd just keep quiet and pay her mobile phone bill.
It's of the utmost importance that you do.
Because that will show her that you are there for her, no matter what.

Maybe you want to hurt her feelings like she's hurt your feelings.

Not paying it will damage the relationship further.

Not only that, I'd be apologising to her for the shite she's had to endure thus far and if she'd like to go to therapy at any point you'll happily pay for that, no questions asked and no strings attached.

As for cutting her out of the inheritance, that'd be just you being very very bitter and taking it out on your children.

Absolutely doesn't drink.

Difficult one to be honest I don’t think YANBU with how you’re feeling however if you stop paying for the phone etc this may cause more issues . If you feel that you will never have any relationship with your daughter then it’s up to you whether you pay her phone bill or not

In Scotland, where I live, divorced parents are expected to contribute financially for children until 18 or until they finish full time education. You don't say where you live, but do you contribute to her studies in other ways such as paying her rent or fees? I don't think paying for her phone bill is unreasonable at all if you don't.

I think the more you do isn’t going to make her understand that choices and words have consequences.

Having nothing more to do with someone means exactly that.
If you carry on pandering to her requests and demands then she won’t value what you do for her.

Cutting her off completely might mean you have no contact with her ever again.
Or it could mean that at some point when she has grown up and got herself some therapy and looks back at her actions and sees her mother’s words and actions for what they are she will get in touch and you can begin having a relationship with your dd again

I would let her know you love her very much and will always be there for her and you will respect her wishes of not wanting to have anything to do with you

You also acknowledge that you are being asked to pay for her mobile phone contract but as that is fundamentally at odds with her wishes it is best that you don’t start down that route as you do not want to be accused of not respecting her wishes.

Wish her all the best and if she ever wants to resume a relationship then you will be there in the future. But for now you will step away as per request

I would change your will as well.

It can always be changed back at a later date

How is it without even looking at the username you can tell its a man posting?

And I've yet to see a female Mumsnetter use the phrase "dear reader"

Her mother meanwhile has been in and out of mental institutions all her life

Yet you chose to have a child with her?

Would you say this to a woman posting here? No, you wouldn't.