To think it’s a bit odd when teachers refer to themselves by their surname yet address parents by their first name.

[Nonplusultra]

Since the dc have started secondary, and we’ve a wider pool of teachers, I’ve noticed this a few times.

If I email a Mr Smith and sign off Jane Jones, most people will respond Dear Jane, and sign off Sam Smith, and after that you’re on first name terms. Or they’ll write Ms Jones and sign off Sam Smith retaining a degree of formality.

But I’ve noticed that some teachers will use my first name but sign off as Mr Smith. If they want to retain their professional persona, that’s fine (although in this day and age it’s slightly odd), but in that case I think they should also address me as Ms Jones. It’s especially weird when I’m old enough to be their mum.

It’s not even in front of the children. I’ve even spoken on the phone like this “Hi Jane, It’s Mr Smith from dc’s school….”

It’s only a minority of teachers tbf , but I’ve only encountered this with teachers.

Interesting range of responses! It hadn’t occurred to me what a minefield this is for teachers:
Ms Jones
Mrs Jones
Mrs/Ms/Miss Different-Surname-from-dc
Jim’s mum
Jane
Mum

I’m not actually all that fussed about what I’m called. I have an odd name that gets mispronounced and misspelled all the time so if it bothered me I’d have to spend a huge proportion of my life offended.

It’s the lack of parity that’s jarring. It’s rare these days, except maybe in medical settings when it becomes especially problematic, but that’s a whole other thread.

And I fully agree that I’m reading too much into it. That’s the joy of the internet though!

When I was in university the tutors addressed us all as Miss Surname or Mr Surname in tutorials and seminars. They were Dr, Mr/Ms/Mrs, or Professor Surname.

My kids all went to school in the US where I've never had any teacher call me anything but Ms/ Mrs Surname. I've always called them Mr/Ms Surname.

I made friends with a certain teacher through a shared hobby a few years after the DCs had advanced past the year she teaches, and it felt so odd to use her first name. She told me it was weird to use my first name too.

Even worse when they call you mum!!

@Nonplusultra
Every form I've ever filled out for school contact details has asked for my full name and offered a choice of titles (Ms, Mrs, Miss, Mr, Dr). The only mixup I've ever experienced has been Ms/ Mrs.

I can see the reasoning in the medical setting, but I think in schools respect for the role should go both ways, and the form should be Title Surname unless told otherwise.

Most teachers hate parents?
I qualified as a teacher in the early 90s. This has not been my experience at all

Or Dad.

This is a non event.

For the record I usually addressed formally, dear mr and mrs, and concluded informally, joe bloggs.

Its not that complicated. Always start formal unless invited to do otherwise. I can't remember any of my DCs' teachers automatically addressing us by first names unless we knew them in some other first name context. I would be fine with either so long as its approached from a position of equity.

In fact the only place I've routinely experienced being called "mum" (whilst DH was addressed as "Mr") or expected to respond to my forename whilst the professional had to be addressed by title is in health care.

It’s difficult to know. I often get called Mrs or Miss surname by some dinosaurs in the office (unintentional dinosaur but he apologises for swearing infront of me and got me mixed up with the other woman in the team. I am just down as ‘the woman’. He probably wouldn’t mix up the men).
But that annoys me slightly. He has to be so polite to a woman that I’m singled out as needing a title. The men are just the men in the team, because they are standard, woman are ‘different’.

But in this situation I am not sure if I would be annoyed. It is definitely more polite to address someone that you don’t know by their surname but why provide your fist name?

I've noticed DD's school seem to do the first name to me and sign off using their surname.

I don't really mind but it did make me smile.

Personally I prefer not to have first names with them as it makes it harder if I ever have to be THAT parent or vice versa.

I'm now friends with a couple of the primary ones and it's first names all round since she left.

your teacher's school email signature is probably set by the school, which is why they are Mr xxx
They also have to email students re course work and they are not allowed to use first names with students.

When I was in my late 30s and a secondary headteacher, I met at a 'do' some of the people who'd taught me when I was at school.

I called each one of them Miss/Sir!

I go for Mr/miss/ms/Mrs surname
But then I say hi I'm first name surname
And I sign off as first name surname

Then sometimes the parents reply with their first name but I feel too uncomfortable to go with it, so I stick with formal.

My name is Sam Smith so I found this post bemusing :)

I usually just get a Hi n an email and no name. In the phone it’s is that Freddy’s mum and then I often get Mrs first and surname when they say who is calling.

what annoys me most is I sign off example celticprincess and then I get a reply Dear Celtic!! Sorry my name is NOT Celtic, o don’t shorten it, I have a complete name which I go by and by signing off with that name then I expect to be addressed by it. This is never school. This is general email enquiries I make as well as colleagues at work. I have colleagues not who know how much it annoys me as it happens in earrings when we meet new face - hi my name is Celticprincess - later in meeting - oh Celtic what is your opinion on xyz? One particular colleague will sometimes counter respond with their opinion and either agreeing or disagreeing with Celticprincess added in just to make a point.

It's not a status thing. We are used to being called Mr/Ms Surname by your children, and in a way our relationship with parents is like an extension of our relationship with pupils. Kids will call their teachers Mr/Ms Surname when mentioning them at home, and so parents are often already in the habit of referring to us as Mr/Ms Surname.

Lots of parents seem quite uncomfortable at the idea of calling teachers by their first name (a hangover from their own school days maybe!). It's kind of a combination of all of that, I think. I don't call parents by their first name in person or in emails, even if they've signed off Jane Smith. I'd sign off similarly - Firstname Surname. They always carry on calling me Mrs Surname.

I have the opposite problem . Teachers from my children’s school will phone and say “ Yhis is Jane Smith, Emma’s maths teacher “ and I think “ Oh it’s Mrs Smith the scary / lovely Math teacher “.

They always address me as Mrs MychildsSurname, which is fine. I’m neither Mrs not that surname but I think they have enough to remember so I forgive then.

I have a lot of children so have dealt with lots of teachers over the years and I’ve found them 85% excellent, 13% pleasant but useless and 2% rude and useless. Which is a great deal better than in most professional jobs.

The bit I find odd is when they speak to another teacher in your presence and address them as Mr or Mrs.

I also find it odd that a lady I used to know in a different setting by her first name, who is now office manager at my kids school, now expects me to address her as Mrs x on the phone and by email.
I don't like being addressed as Mrs 80skid for a few reasons, one being that I feel that women who are "Miss" or "Ms" are subject to judgement about their private lives. Men's relationship status isn't given away in formal settings, and I think women should be afforded the same option of privacy. I'd definitely select Mme if it was an option!

I've noticed generally that the use of honorific/surname is dying out. People go straight to first name on calls from business to customer, for example. I don't mind it, but back in the days when I used to speak to customers on the phone, I would never have used their first name unless invited.

I have a lot of children so have dealt with lots of teachers over the years and I’ve found them 85% excellent, 13% pleasant but useless and 2% rude and useless. Which is a great deal better than in most professional jobs.

Thanks for that. It's quite irritating and illogical that many parents seem to expect or demand that all teachers be outstanding. I often wonder what proportion of those parents are outstanding at their jobs. By definition outstanding means you stand out.

They are Mr / MsSmith when they are writing to you because they are in their job where all of the kids call them mr / miss. They obviously want to remain professional when it’s regarding work. I guess we as parents aren’t seen as professionals. I wouldn’t have a problem with it BUT I DO think teachers are very condescending and patronising at times. I once replied with my full professional title at the end lol

I always reply Dear Mrs Jones but find increasingly that parents are signing off with just a first name which means I have to go into our MIS to find out if that is Mr/Miss/Mrs/Ms (in a multicultural school I’ll be honest and say that actually sometime I don’t know what gender goes with some names) and if their surname is the same as their child’s! I wish they’s all sign off in a way that means it doesn’t take me a couple of minutes clicking through a clunky MIS to find the correct salutation etc. It becomes less of an issue with my tutor group (whose parents I’m most likely to hear from) once I’ve had them a little while and get to know their parents better but when I have a new tutor group it takes time.

I’m actually fine with being addressed as Mum or Thingy’s mum in a school context: my “job” as far as school is concerned is being Thingy’s mum, and I wouldn’t expect a teacher to memorise the names of all 30 kids’ parents.

And in the context of school, the teacher’s name is Miss/Mrs/Ms/Mr Teach. It makes sense that they use that, and I can be first name if that’s easiest.

I always reply Dear Mrs Jones but find increasingly that parents are signing off with just a first name which means I have to go into our MIS to find out if that is Mr/Miss/Mrs/Ms (in a multicultural school I’ll be honest and say that actually sometime I don’t know what gender goes with some names) and if their surname is the same as their child’s! I wish they’s all sign off in a way that means it doesn’t take me a couple of minutes clicking through a clunky MIS to find the correct salutation etc
But why? If I sign off as Dappled (and I always do because signing off as Mrs Things is weird) I'm obviously happy to be responded to as Dear Dappled. Why are you faffing about in the database rather than just responding?

@Mama1209 ”teachers don’t see you as professionals”

🙄

Of course we do but your role in our lives is as the child’s parent. I don’t know what a lot of my kids’ parents do for a living so I don’t give it a thought as to whether you’re “professional” or not.

DappledThings

Why are you faffing about in the database rather than just responding?

Because, bizarrely on a thread about teachers using a formal name to sign off, more parents get pissy if you don't use honorific then last name, and if you get the honorific wrong its a complaint straight to the head.

And just to add to some of the weird comments here, schools will have a policy about how teachers are to write and respond to emails.