To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

[vibecheck]

If you were planning a fairly expensive holiday with a partner, and you’d agreed to save the money for it, but when it came time to book and pay Partner A revealed that they hadn’t saved anything and would use gifted money from a recent birthday to pay their half, would you be annoyed?

I can’t understand the difference between saving and spending money I have been gifted, but I’ve really upset my husband.

For various reasons we have separate savings accounts so he wasn’t aware that I hadn’t “saved” my half from my salary.

He's her husband. Really big difference.

And the thing she didn't save for was their wedding.

In fairness to OP, how many times does she have to say that she WANTS to pool the money, and she WANTED to put the money towards both their holiday costs, but he doesn't? Pleas read all her posts properly.

What difference does it make? Whether the money was saved week by week or was from a gift?

It matters because the former requires a degree of control over one's spending, the latter doesn't. Lots of people find wasteful uncontrolled spending to be an unattractive trait. Having restraint and being good at managing your own finances is a desirable trait.

I'd hate it if DH just lived parasitically off handouts from his wealthy parents.

But past behaviour by the Op, including not saving for her own wedding, mean the H does not trust her. Would you agree to pool money with someone you don’t trust?

It's about responsibility op

So where the money came from isn't the real issue. It was the lack of up front transparency and shared goal that has upset him I suspect. I come from a poor background. DH better off. I earn more than him. And we have a good household income. I am a saver and worry about money. He does not. The fact we are not on the same page about finances is the one thing that leads to infrequent but huge arguments.

For me it is an issue of respecting my concerns and sharing a common goal. If you have never experienced not having money, I think it is quite hard to understand how the dread of not having it again can have on you... even when you know deep down that is unlikely to happen. My advice...his concerns may feel unreasonable but for him they probably are not. Listen and meet him at least half way next time.

Saving for the holiday was a shared goal - something you worked towards together. You've opted out of that by just accessing your inheritance and he feels betrayed by it.
I think he wants to know you are capable of financial restraint if the need arises. But from your pov, there is no current need so why should you.
I think the problem was in not doing what you said you would do - to him that feels dismissive and disrespectful.

In a wider sense though, I don't think you are wrong to enjoy your life and spend your money - you can't take it with you! But equally, in your shoes I would save some of it though, to protect against unforeseen circumstances - you might one day get ill or have an accident and be unable to work. Or you might change your mind about having children. Your dh is thinking about these things and you are not. That is worrisome to people who have real life experience of not having a safety net.

I suppose the other thing is that he is married to you and is legally linked irrespective of your private arrangements to have separate finances. If you blew all your money, he would have to bail you out.
I think he's okay about you paying for the house and healthcare because a house is a tangible asset and both of those expenses are important - holidays are luxuries.

No I wouldn't. I was simply making the point that numerous people have posted to say why isn't she offering to pay for the holiday/pool money, when that's what she wants to do and had said so many times.

It's annoying on any thread, when people can't be bothered to read an OP's posts

He doesn't want to be a cocklodger love. This is a good thing!

Yes I’m not surprised he’s annoyed.

You were supposed to save for your wedding but didn’t and had to be bailed out by your parent and him. He had managed to save and then had to find another £3k because you failed to save. You failed to save because you knew you would be bailed out.

And now you are back in a position where you promised to save and then didn’t.

He knows you have the trust money and doesn’t want to pool it. It’s important to him that you have shared financial goals and more importantly honesty. You presumably weren’t honest about the wedding money until you had to ask for help and now you haven’t been honest again.

It’s that dishonesty which I think is the main issue. He knows you have wildly different experiences of money but you can be on the same page with goals if you want to. But you are just used to money just being there when you want it.

Saying you want to pool it all and match his pension etc probably would feel unfair to him. He wants all that from his own efforts not from your parents efforts. It’s comes across as a bit condescending of you to offer all of that but then renege on your agreement to save for your wedding and now for the holiday.

Yep, seriously @vibecheck why do you not respect him for this?

All the gold diggers out there, male and female, and you're lucky enough to have married someone with moral fibre.

I think @vibecheck is getting a really hard time, why is her husband right about the right/wrong to spend money. I think a lot depends on how much it us also as if for instance it is just about enough to allow them to retire together and they had jointly decided upon that but not much more then obv spending it on holidays is not ok.

If its a few £k then I would say spending on hols is fine.

The OP shouldn't have lied, in that situation she should have offered to pay for it all, if he didn't want that then she can pay her half how she chooses. Why does he get to control how she spends her money. Who says inheritance has to be spent in X or Y way.

A lot of these posts sound like jealousy, if you had wealthy parents would you ensure you never accept a penny off them?

I do agree with others that if you have said you'd save for something then you shouldn't go back on it without a discussion, the lack of saving for the wedding was out of order IMO.

A lot of harsh replies.

We don't know eg about the size of the trust fund etc -- is it being properly eroded or is some of the dividend used?

The DH's attitude does not sound exactly mature either, though understandable psychologically (maintaining an illusion of "his", merging finances would mean his contribution becomes much less visible and he would lose all feeling of control).

OP how old are you? Receiving so much money from parents can really also block you from feeling like a proper adult with long term plans. You seem to be young and it may be that in ten years (with kids, closer to retirement) you regret some of your current choices, but also, you only live once and maybe the money is exactly well spent the way it is.

Definitely relationship counselling sounds like a good idea, not just about the money but how it plays out in other ways in the relationship.

I agree with OP that this is about two extremes not just one, and DH needs to look at his 'baggage' too.

A lot of these posts sound like jealousy, if you had wealthy parents would you ensure you never accept a penny off them?
Why do jealousy claims always come out when women disagree with another woman's actions? It's so predictable.

It's not about someone having inheritance and gifts.

It's about someone who has a fundamentally different, bordering on incompatible, outlook on finances from their spouse.

Even before she had access to these gifts the OP didn't do saving, chose not to save for her wedding and had to be bailed out. She also justifies her current approach to money based on the fact more money should be coming her way in future.

Ultimately what the OP wants is a lifestyle where she can spend all her inheritance and gifts, not save any money because by her own admission it's easier not to, and there's nothing wrong with that if you're in a relationship with someone else who also values a high spending lifestyle and is happy to burn through investments in the short to medium term.
It's a problem when you're not only on a different page to your spouse, but are dishonest about it and then minimise the dishonesty because lying by omission (when you know the thing you're hiding would bother them) doesn't really count.

Like a pp said, it's an outlook difference that is likely to come out in other areas.

The wedding 'bail out' ...
Very very few people with rich parents would pay for their own wedding at 25 years old. Probably parents would pay for all of it/ split with other partner's parents. Not that this is great but the way it is.
So things got a little more expensive and OP didn't want to ask parent -- showing she too is conflicted about receiving money from them / there is a power dynamic.

Seeing it as DH "bailing her out" (3,000 out of how much??) when he is about to come into significant wealth through that marriage ... rather than seeing this as their joint investment because maybe they could have an extra few really good friends attend?

Yes the 'his' and 'hers' is a problem and compatibility/ underlying dynamics.

Would counselling be possible? Your attitudes to money, wealth etc are poles apart. Talking together with someone helping to keep the conversation on track might be helpful.

One thought which particularly struck me was that his attitude to money may not simply stem from having no money. In his childhood he may well have seen money taken away or windfalls splashed out on things which he now perceives as having no value. A childhood of financial promises broken.

Those sort of experiences would leave a mark. Quite possibly an attitude that windfalls shouldn't be frivolled away, that financial promises must not be broken.

DH and I are from vastly different backgrounds. His family were extremely wealthy, he went to a leading public school, second home, sailing and riding lessons, family had a housekeeper, the whole shebang. I on the other hand grew up with lots of siblings, the child of an immigrant who arrived with nothing and had to help out in the family restaurant whilst studying. School of hard knocks and all that.

We do however have the same attitude to money. We have shared goals. I couldn’t tolerate your behaviour and the bail outs have made you irresponsible. DH sister is bad with money he thinks she is thick as mince but is far too nice to put it like that, her parents bailing her out is a major contributor to her being bad with money.

It’s like Aesop’s Ant and Grasshopper, except the grasshopper married the ant.

I guess if you have very wealthy parents and trust funds then it is easy to feel that winter will never come (and perhaps it never will), so why enjoy the endless summer.

But if the ant keeps toiling away and trying to build up reserves then that doesn’t feel like the basis for a strong and healthy marriage.

As other have said it's the difference in attitudes and understanding of each other's point of views that's the problem.

For my birthday I asked my husband to make me a cake. He made one, with help from our daughter.

He could have gone out and bought a cake. He could have bought me a cake from the most expensive bakery in town.

Lots of people will argue that cake is cake and not care. However, making the cake himself, and including our daughter in the making meant more to me.

OP sees money as something that she doesn't have to worry about or think about. Her DH has tried to make her see things from her point of view by suggesting she save rather then just take out of one of her many pots.

To her, it's just money. To him, it's something more.

And also a difference between revenue from capital (I e. a safe drawdown rate that allows for inflation) and using the capital itself. Personally I wouldn't have a problem with the former but I would with the latter.

I said straight away she shouldn't have lied but that aside, why would anyone have an issue with what OP does with her money, why is the DH right? The dishonesty is out of order of course but the OPs outlook is just different, not wrong.

But if your husband didn't like baking and preferred to buy one then why is he wrong? If he said yes to making one but then blatantly didn't bother and just bought one then that is wrong but if he said straight away then that should be OK, he may have other things he has put thought into as a gift. You can't/shouldnt tell partners what to do but the minimum you should expect is honesty.

To me this reads like different financial backgrounds and attitudes to money causing resentment. You’ve never struggled for money, whereas he has, and it’s annoyed him that he’s had to budget and save, and you’ve just had access to it. I’m also getting the impression that he believes his way is more ‘worthy’ and ‘real’ than yours.

It isn’t. You’ve occupied different financial realities, and he needs to accept that imo. He has no more right to attempt to change you than you have to attempt to change him.

My background is similar to yours, but so is my husband’s, and as such this hasn’t arisen as an issue. I have seen it often being an issue for couples with such different backgrounds though.

The issue is probably more about your spending habits op, than where the savings pot came from.

You want to spend everything you have, your DH cuts his cloth differently. My DH is from a wealthy background. We each earn a lot now, but we choose to be relatively careful with money because we don't like pissing it up the wall.