To insist my 12-yr old collects nine-yr old from school

[Bigroundpear]

My nine-year-old is in year 5 at a small inner-city state primary a five minute walk from home. School policy is for children to only be able to walk home alone from year 6 which I fully accept (though I don't particularly agree with it).

Last week I let the school know that my 12-year old (who is in secondary school and travelled alone from year 5 for 40 mins each way - different school) would be collecting nine-year-old from school today. School emailed back to refuse because their policy is siblings who collect must be over 14.

I emailed back to say I will be exercising my parental responsibility, that it's up to me what happens to my child outside of school and I will not be there to collect, but my oldest child will. My kids have done this same journey alone together often (school is next to a supermarket they visit together frequently), I have risk-assessed this and feel confident that though of course there are risks, everything that needs to be is in place to prevent them coming to harm. I have prepared both kids for all eventualities with the school today, including that they may call social services (not bothered about this, know SS won't do anything).

I think the school is over stepping the mark, and should release my nine-year-old, however I'm sad I have put office staff in this position.

AIBU?

I leave my 10&12 you home together. But I waited until the younger one was ready to be responsible for herself rather than her sister being in charge if that makes sense.

Started off at 20 minutes, now two hours once a week. They even get themselves dinner.

You obviously trust your children and you know them best.

So they've deemed it safe for your child to walk home alone next year but not walk with an older sibling this year? I think once the school days over whatever you decide with your child is really none of their business (obviously within reason) I think if you've assessed it and feel its safe then you do what you thinks right.

I agree. Whilst a 12 year old may be capable caring for themselves (no legal age to be alone if safe and no accidents happen) however a child under 14 (uk) cannot be responsible for a younger child. I agree with others, as a one off, in an emergency maybe but not a regular thing

My 11 year old ds has joined high school recently and carries a heavy bag to school everday.I am concerned about his back and the problems that may develop overtime.Which backpack is the best for high school kids which provides enough space and comfort too.Thanks

It's a weird English thing. It's the opposite in Germany, where I'm from. Schools sometimes call the police to enforce the parent free zones around primary schools. Parents are not supposed to bring their children to school. Every child age 6 and over is expected to walk to school or use public transport. Many schools have 100m wide parent free zones (like traffic free zones at some UK schools) that parents must not enter.

There have been numerous studies that concluded that the most important thing for a child's mental health and overall health and self esteem was walking to school and home unaided by an adult.

have they really, or are you just making that up.

There have been studies which prove a correlation between helicopter parenting and poor mental health. I would argue that not letting a capable 12 year old collect a 9 year old would fall into this category somewhat.

that's what i thought, it's a rather big leap to go from child's mental health and overall health and self esteem was walking to school and home unaided by an adult and helicopter parenting😂

i mean, if that's all it takes...!

No, not at all.
It's a massive thing on German media, with constant articles about how parents driving or just accompanying children to school is harmful for their development, and schools working hard to keep parents away, by putting up 'no parents" signs and establishing no parents zones, so even if parents drive children to school, the children must walk the final 5 minutes unaccompanied.

It's a very much studied subject in Germany, Austria, Switzerland and Scandinavia though. Study after study has shown that happiness levels, overall health and even grades have been statistically significantly better for children who from a young age walk unaided to school compared to children who are driven by their parents. Reasons given by the researchers varied from better blood circulation to knowing that they were being trusted and feeling capable and empowered, to better social outcomes due to the socialising that goes on among peers on the school way.

I wish they'd do that here, the parking around the school is absolutely shocking

It's all part of the same thing surely. Not letting a child walk to school on their own isn't helicopter parenting as such but it's not letting the children (age appropriate) make their own risk assessment about crossing a road, for example, can affect a child's mental health longer term.

I haven't read the studies in detail but certainly the habit in the UK of not letting our children do much for themselves has contributed to the decline in mental health for many.

the problem with these blank statements is not taking into account the circumstances.

Walking with your siblings, or a group of friends and neighbours in a friendly area is not the same as a young teen alone, much further away, in a rough area, intimidated by unpleasant neighbours.

You can't say that 12 years old should do this or should do that.

It also shows kids that the area round their school isn't full of bogymen.

@SacAMain that’s why the parent(s) are the ones to make that judgement call.

I might have the opinion that 12 is too young. Or I might feel that it’s way too old and should be done at 9 and what is the fuss about. But my views are irrelevant because the OP is the parent, not me. I can decide for my own children.

The countries @NellyBarney mentioned are generally safe. I know there are a few schools with issues in the UK where they have to have teachers and youth workers in certain places near the school e.g. a park so it is safe for kids even in small groups to use them to walk home.

It's none of their business what happens after the school day.My DS13 has been able to collect twins DD9 since he joined secondary school as his school is 5 mins from DD school. They then cycle home 10mins because i WFH and sometimes i am in a meeting. You know your children best. My DD know that DS is in charge until they get home and they don't mind.We always make sure to treat DS to anything he would like as long as it's reasonable because he has saved us so much money. DH is self employed and he doesn't get home until 7,it has lifted a huge weight of my shoulder the 2 days DS helps with his sisters so I am able to finish work at 4 and spend time with them.

My mum used to put this kind of responsibility on me at 12/13, it wasn't fair. I know it's hard, I'm a single parent, but I think you need to find an alternative OP.

From age 10 to 12 i used to pick up my sibling from the day care, she was 3- 5. I think it was fine, but we didn't live far from the child care or the school. My sister was difficult though so eventually my parents put an end to me picking her up, thank god.

Can you tell me more? What was it particularly that made you feel put upon? I had much higher responsibilities from 11 than I expect for my kids. I did find that hard, and sometimes wish I’d been coddled more, but I also appreciate how extremely independent I’ve been as a result.

Does your 12 year old have to leave his school early to get to the primary school? I don't get how he's managing to travel from one school to another and be on time without having to leave early himself

I agree.

It's very similar now in Canada, Australia, and the US. I guess not Scotland which is an interesting difference. In general though, it seems to be English speaking countries, and the rest of Europe and the world thinks it's nuts and bad for children.

I find it so odd that even when people know this, they don't change their thinking, despite the fact that Switzerland and Germany don't have masses of children having accidents or becoming psychologically scarred due to being expected to have some independence.

I think this inability to give kids appropriate independence massively contributes to the anxiety issues we are seeing in young adults.

Really? My 12 year old finishes at 2.30 and my 11 year old at 3.15