To insist my 12-yr old collects nine-yr old from school

[Bigroundpear]

My nine-year-old is in year 5 at a small inner-city state primary a five minute walk from home. School policy is for children to only be able to walk home alone from year 6 which I fully accept (though I don't particularly agree with it).

Last week I let the school know that my 12-year old (who is in secondary school and travelled alone from year 5 for 40 mins each way - different school) would be collecting nine-year-old from school today. School emailed back to refuse because their policy is siblings who collect must be over 14.

I emailed back to say I will be exercising my parental responsibility, that it's up to me what happens to my child outside of school and I will not be there to collect, but my oldest child will. My kids have done this same journey alone together often (school is next to a supermarket they visit together frequently), I have risk-assessed this and feel confident that though of course there are risks, everything that needs to be is in place to prevent them coming to harm. I have prepared both kids for all eventualities with the school today, including that they may call social services (not bothered about this, know SS won't do anything).

I think the school is over stepping the mark, and should release my nine-year-old, however I'm sad I have put office staff in this position.

AIBU?

I had to do something similar with my dd in Year 6. She would go to ASC and they shortened the hours to 5.30pm. I couldn’t get there for then, but dd Year 7 would be home by then, the school was the next road along, a 3 minute walk. They were being tricky about it all. Dd had a house key and needed to walk home. Inevitably I’d be on my way home so the majority of the time she was getting in the same time as me.

Could you ask another parent to 'pick up' your child and then just hand them over to your eldest at the gate?

Ridiculous

Letting your child see that rules are there to be broken helps no one either.

Pretty sure my 6 year old isn't allowed to leave by herself. 🤣

Common sense prevails! Well done OP for calmly standing your ground 😄

Whoops just saw this. Well done

It's fine. Yanbu

Reading through thread and some schools won't let under 18 pick up?? That's absolutely madness! So you could be married legally at 16 with your own child yet can't pick up your younger sibling?

Good for you op.

So pleased you got the result you needed.

Schools in Scotland do not have rules about pick ups or drops offs. Not one I have ever come across has said things like "until Year X a parent must collect". It's just not a thing.

The Internet and the easier access of underage porn is probably what changed this. More sickos.

The rules are mental. Of course its your choice and what can they really do? A 12 year old is more than old enough and tbh so is a 9 year old to walk home alone.

(I've worked in schools for many years, these rules are the bane of my life as I know I'm being unreasonable)

I worry about children being crippled with anxiety and think this is a great way to encourage them to think for themselves and become self-reliant

So agree with this, empower our young people with decision making skills, don't infantilise.

Thanks all - I am home to two chilled (but hungry!) boys. I appreciate the thoughts on this thread, the one that has particularly struck a chord is the thought that this is too much responsibility for a 12-year-old. I will think carefully about this, but think actually the opposite, that this is what will help him grow into a responsible young man.

Your child your rules

This was one thought and I know other parents do this. I specifically wrote to the school that this was an option i had discounted as I wanted to be above board and teach my children both to be honest, and how to appropriately challenge authoritarianism (I know I'm a tit!)

There are dodgy people everywhere, we can't avoid all risk all the time, but hear what you're saying about this, porn is a real societal issue.

It’s hard enough being a working parent with these added obstacles in the way. Schools can be very stiff with their rules. I work in the private sector and was shocked when I joined and they were asking parents permission for Year 7 and 8’s to walk home alone 🥴 I added my two pennies worth in there, they no longer need permission. Some times they need to give their heads a wobble.

Honestly I'm more shocked that people wouldn't leave a 12 year old alone for an hour. Seems totally nuts to me .

It sounds a bit old to me not to, but you can't judge when you have no idea of the context, the area, the neighbours...

I think it's just as bad to make children behave like grown up before their time, than it is to infantilise them. You try to teach them life skills and independence for their own good, not because it's convenient for the parents.

School has to cover themselves. If something did happen they’d get so much slack for it.

Your update is a victory for common sense! My school lets them walk home alone from year 5 (Birmingham suburbs).

I also used to have an arrangement that my year 6 collected my year 3 once a week (this was covid times so I was WFH). School weren't happy about this but I said I was comfortable with the risk.

What use is an afterschool club that closes at 4.45?!!!

Both of mine went to AFS clubs that closed at 6. I couldn’t have worked if they didn’t.

Yes a 12 year old looking after their 9 year old sibling for 45 minutes a few times per week is definitely making them become a substitute parent, isn't it?

Christ on a bike, I'd be surprised if the next generation will be able to wipe their own arses when they grow up with helicopter parents like you! 🙄

It’s a dilemma but ultimately, unfair on the 12yo I think. It’s not to children to be part of a team and help facilitate your life/career.

Sorry but I see this attitude all the time on MN and it's such a middle class "barely lived a day in the real world" attitude. Same as how nobody should ever want a little help from retired grandparents and nobody should ever help their siblings or "it's not your job to do X".

While probably technically true, nobody HAS to do anything for anyone, I wonder what kind of families you were brought up in and what kind of families you're bringing up now.

In areas that have been working class for generations this is completely normal. As the older sibling I helped out with my younger ones all the time. I wasn't "facilitating my mum's career" she was working the late shift to keep us fed and clothed ffs and even at 12 I understood that.

My own 12yo now wouldn't even think of complaining if I asked her if she could throw a pizza in the oven on a Wednesday for her sister because I have to work late that night. Same as my grandparents didn't think twice about helping out with childcare when they were younger, same as I don't think twice about getting their shopping in now or having my nieces and nephews during the school holidays to allow DB and DSIL to work.

All of my cousins are the same. The families who live on my street are the same. My children are being raised the same. Family is important and if you need help it's okay to ask, and if someone asks, you help! We are absolutely a team. My child has friends whose parents don't work and rely on benefits and I'm pretty sure she's grateful to have her life (even if it means picking her sister up and being the "bigger person" if her sister's being a shit and an argument is about to start) rather than theirs. She's just back from a week in spain and going to disneyland for christmas - she's happy to be part of the team 👍🏻. And when she has children of her own if I need to compress my hours or have them a couple of nights a week to "facilitate her career" that's exactly what I'll do.

My son is 11, 12 in Feb. I wouldn't allow him to be responsible for a younger sibling. But at that age i was babysitting my neighbours kids.

It all depends on the child i think and absolutely nothing to do with the school!