To insist my 12-yr old collects nine-yr old from school

[Bigroundpear]

My nine-year-old is in year 5 at a small inner-city state primary a five minute walk from home. School policy is for children to only be able to walk home alone from year 6 which I fully accept (though I don't particularly agree with it).

Last week I let the school know that my 12-year old (who is in secondary school and travelled alone from year 5 for 40 mins each way - different school) would be collecting nine-year-old from school today. School emailed back to refuse because their policy is siblings who collect must be over 14.

I emailed back to say I will be exercising my parental responsibility, that it's up to me what happens to my child outside of school and I will not be there to collect, but my oldest child will. My kids have done this same journey alone together often (school is next to a supermarket they visit together frequently), I have risk-assessed this and feel confident that though of course there are risks, everything that needs to be is in place to prevent them coming to harm. I have prepared both kids for all eventualities with the school today, including that they may call social services (not bothered about this, know SS won't do anything).

I think the school is over stepping the mark, and should release my nine-year-old, however I'm sad I have put office staff in this position.

AIBU?

@Whattodo112222 I'd rather my nine-year-old were allowed to walk home alone. This is a compromise that the 12-year-old is happy with. He likes the responsibility.

@Pleaseme yes, quite

Also if the 12 year old also went to this primary school presumably the school will know exactly how responsible this child is and what their sibling relationship is like.

YANBU, stand firm. The school don't have the right to make this decision for you. I'd go further and insist that you permit your 9 year old to walk home independently, but I understand trying to compromise.

@SisterMichaelsHabit my older child went to a different school, and was travelling across London by tube from age 10 in year five

How does your 12 year old feel about it?

Do you have any contingency in place if she needs to stay in school for any reason at short notice? DS was 25 minutes late coming out on Wednesday because there was a meeting about a school trip which we only found out about via email after he'd gone to school

What about 12 year old's life - a lot of DCs of this age hang about after school to chat, maybe go to a club or even for a brief detention? They'll basically be racing off to collect their younger sibling and missing out on things.

I'm not against the idea as a whole - DD would occasionally take much younger DS to school from when she was about 14 but it was not a regular thing and more something she did to help out when things got difficult. However, a regular arrangement would have impringed on her life

This wouldn't be a problem at my kids school, I see dc I know to be in year 7 now picking up their siblings in my ds's year 5. The older ones went to the school and seem to enjoy coming back, waving to their old teachers and so on. I know of a couple of year 5s who walk home together (they live next door to each other).

@Bigroundpear You may be surprised to hear I send my children to the shops, get them to choose and buy dinner, then come home and cook it. We are a team and they pull their weight. The have to do their own laundry sometimes, and clean the bathrooms.

No it doesn't surprise me given you seem to think a 9 year old is old enough to care for a 5 year old based on your previous response.

No comment on the walking thing, but I was worried about this: "I have prepared both kids for all eventualities with the school today, including that they may call social services".

I feel worried that your lone 12 y/o is being put in the position of having a stand off with office staff, fearing their threats or even the embarrassment, and having the guilty burden of defying all these adults in positions of authority to fulfil their duty.

I think a few years older might be OK for that sort of hostile conflict with authority but 12 is on the borderline. I may just be projecting though as my mum put me in that position a lot when I was younger

That seems very young. I grew up in London but at 10 I didn't know anyone catching the tube to school.

School can have whatever policy they like. DDs had a ten minute walk home with no roads to cross when they were aged 9- I wrote to the school to confirm they had my permission to walk home and this was accepted.

I don't see how they can override your expression permission unless there was a genuine safeguarding concern.

This is ridiculous.
Mine are 12 and 9 and the primary school rule is they can walk home alone from year 5 so he does.

My year 6 walked my year 5 home. Its ridiculous! How are people supposed to live their lives? I was sure it was only guidance.

I wouldn't leave a nine-year-old to look after a five-year-old? No - that is not old enough, so not sure where you got that from, I didn't say that.

I was illustrating that I am a parent who believes in self-reliance, responsibility and learning through doing. I am not over-protective.

Would be fine at our school, you can leave without a parent in Y5 but plenty are picked up by a sibling in the high school even younger.

I did have to have special permission once though when DD was at the end of Y4 and DS was in Y6, we live about a 3 minute walk from school and I was WFH but in a very important meeting and for that day had nobody to pick them up so I asked if they could walk home together. School basically told me 'we don't really like it, but you're the parent so it's your decision.' I had to put it in writing that I would take responsibility.

SS categorically would not , the school are making empty threats.
Op the school cannot stop your child leaving and SS would be very angry to have their time wasted.

Agree this was young. I worked with his school who understood this was a choice my child and I made together - he was delighted at the opportunity. Had he been uncomfortable in any way I would have continued paying for the coach (£2k per term).

Al the schools here will let a year 5 walk home alone with prior parental consent so it seems weird they are so het up about it.

@DragonFly98 I was a social worker for 12 years and know this! Schools hide behind 'safeguarding' often - and I don't accept it.

This hasn't impacted us but at our primary school - they won't release children except to people who are 16 and over. It's so ridiculous. A mum of a girl in DS class in Year 5 got into big fights with the school as she wanted her 14 year old (maybe 15? not sure) to collect her DD and they refused (she actually wanted her DD to be able to walk home alone - they lived about 5 minutes from school and had no problem with it but that went down like a lead balloon).

But I'm with you. I think that you know your children and what they're capable of and frankly, in a lot of cultures, 9 year olds would absolutely be walking home by themselves anyway so it's ridiculous that a responsible 12 year old can't collect.

I have left 12 year old DS take 8 year old DD to the shop now and again and my 14 year old nephew sometimes collects her from her gymnastics classes as they're round the corner from my in laws' house. They all love the independence.

I came across this today on Twitter and I think it's absolutely true kids need independence

Exactly. My dd collected my son from primary when she was 12 & he was 9/10. They weren't the only ones & it was great for their independence & their relationship. None of the school's business unless they have a specific safeguarding concern - & your kids are happy with it.

This always surprises me with English schools. My experience in Scotland is that only P1 and P2 pupils are handed directly to an adult. So only up to max 7 years old at the end of P2.

Obviously parents do collect their other DC but they are sent to go and find an adult. And then you are free to decide your child can go home alone whenever.

surely that's irrelevant

They need to have a consistent policy, they can't start making judgement on siblings!

Office staff have emailed to say they accept my decision, respect my parental responsibility and will send my nine-year-old home with big brother. I actually feel this is a victory for common sense.

I think this is ok. In fact I did this as a kid as my DM's workplace forced her to either go full time or be sacked (many decades ago). Same age range too.

As long as the eldest is, in your assessment, capable and mature enough, the youngest will respect that the 12 year old is in charge, it seems reasonable.

The 12 year old can text you to let you know they've got home or you could have a door camera to check.