Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he have to discuss it with me or not????

112 replies

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 12:25

Hey I really need to know if I’m going crazy or if it is my DH who is unreasonable in this situation. I could ask my family but I really want someone impartial to give an honest view. I’m married for 11 years some happier than others if I’m honest but that’s a real marriage isn’t it??? My DC are 6 and 8 and in all they time they have been on this earth my MIL or SIL have never babysat but that is by the by. Some background, I’m not from London but this is where we live and all of my family live (200 miles away) where I’m from but we go to see them regularly and they often come and stay and will always babysit whenever needed.

My MIL has recently started visiting more and making more effort with the kids which is good. She lives with my SIL who has no kids and lives a full life, being out with friends, working, travelling and keeping fit. At one time they were very close some might say inseparable but for some reason not so much anymore, DH says she’s lonely and feels he needs to make her feel more welcome at ours as she is almost 80!

I do not mind this at all except, I do all the chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing up, ironing EVERYTHING. Which is fine as he is the bread winner in a very stressful job, he wfh some days and when he is, he barely leaves his computer and is in a tonne of Zoom meetings. So when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her. I have recently started my own business so I’m not always at home and some of my time is spent prepping for sessions or on my own Zoom calls. My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her which I of course don’t mind, if she is at our house and he is in his office. I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”. I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it. I just wanted him to give me the opportunity to organise my schedule so that I actually have time for her when she is here, rather than cancelling my plans at the last minute or leaving her down stairs alone which I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate. Plus she is Vegan which we are NOT so I often find myself running round at the last minute trying to find and prep separate food for her to eat.

Sorry I know it’s a long one but I just need to know AIBU or is he???

OP posts:
Ghostgirl77 · 15/10/2023 12:28

YANBU. If he is expecting you to host his mother, cater specific foods, entertain her etc in his absence then he should have the decency to warn you in advance.

I’d be suddenly finding reasons to take the lids and go out for the evening. Let him explain to his mum when he invites her over with no warning and you’re not there.

Ghostgirl77 · 15/10/2023 12:28

*kids

Worddance · 15/10/2023 12:31

He's being very unreasonable.

plumtreebroke · 15/10/2023 12:31

If he says he will look after her take him at his word. Just shout your Mum's here I'll be working in the other room if you need me and leave them to it.

HarperMae · 15/10/2023 12:32

Hes being very unreasonable, it's YOUR house too.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/10/2023 12:34

Stop martyring yourself. He's said you don't need to so just stop and trust him to pick up the rope.

Normalsizedsalad · 15/10/2023 12:34

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

Let him then!

Thedm · 15/10/2023 12:36

You have to stop changing your plans. If he invites her round then he needs to sit with her. You can of course, if you’re free. It’s nice to spend time with her. But if you didn’t invite her then you don’t do it unless you’re actually free; don’t cancel work to make yourself free.
Dont answer the door to her, if he is in the office and asked her round then he can deal with the fallout. Don’t come downstairs, don’t cancel your work.

If he complains about your behaviour then be incredulous. “What are you on about? You invited your mum round so what’s that got to do with them? I’m working. I can’t entertain. I don’t understand what you’re thinking but your reaction is ridiculous. I’m working, she’ll have to visit me when I’m not but of course she can visit you whenever you invite her.”

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 12:36

He's a wanker.

It's not even that he should be giving you notice that he's invited her but he should be checking with you first before confirming plans if he expects you to be there. Why should you have to cancel plans and meetings to accommodate his mother. I bet he wouldn't!

Even if my DH notified me that we were having a visitor I'd still be annoyed that he hadn't checked if it clashes with my plans.

Stop accomodating him. If she's there at short notice just go out and leave him to it. He arranged it after all. I don't understand why he would arrange for her to come round when he isn't available. It's like it's a tick box exercise to him. He looks like a good son for inviting her over when actually it's you doing all the work. Stop enabling him and maybe he'll get your point.

GabriellaMontez · 15/10/2023 12:38

He's a wanker.

You don't have to accommodate her. Stop dropping everything.

ThePoetsWife · 15/10/2023 12:39

I don't get why you have to do EVERYTHING - being the breadwinner doesn't mean you're except from doing your share of the chores. You're contributing just as much if not more by facilitating his career.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/10/2023 12:39

If he doesn't want to discuss it, fine. But he takes care of her.
Do not change your plans.
Do not cancel your meetings.
Do not run around finding stuff for her to eat.

If she comes round unexpectedly, greet her nicely as always. But point her towards her son.

Oh hi Mil, I'm about to join a meeting/go out/etc., but dh is in his office. Go & say hi.

Leave them to it & join them for lunch or whatever when you've finished.

If he's not even there, make her a drink, make your excuses and carry on with meeting, phone call etc & leave her to it.

Your dh may think twice when he's the one being interupted. Mil may then check with you if you are free before popping round.

CountingDownTheHours · 15/10/2023 12:43

Well YAB a bit U because he has said you don't have to look after his mum, so take him at his word.

But I would say to him that it's your house too and common courtesy would suggest you should tell each other in advance if you invite people to the house (assuming you don't invite your family without asking).

But say its fine but its up to him to entertain his mum and get her food in if you're busy.

Thedm · 15/10/2023 12:49

Wait though. The “his house” comment… does he see everything as his, because he is the higher earner? And he doesn’t appreciate what you bring to the relationship?
That seems like it make be a bigger issue. He sees things as his, and you’re just sort of staying in his place and not really an equal partner.

Notimeforaname · 15/10/2023 12:49

You dont have to look after her. So dont bother yourself rearranging your schedule and getting her food.

If you choose to, that's a different story.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/10/2023 12:51

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

There you go. Be out.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 15/10/2023 12:55

I would definitely not cancel calls. Tell her you didn’t know she was coming and you are working. She can sort it out with your DH to arrange a time that suits HIM to host.

Gardeningtime · 15/10/2023 12:58

Actually I think you are unreasonable he’s not asking you to cancel or reorganise anything. Or for you to look after her. So let him invite her round and crack on. He’s told you he will handle it and he doesn’t wish you to do what you’re doing. So take his word.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/10/2023 12:58

you have your answer, he will handle it so when he says next time she is coming just say great, leave it with you as i have meetings and crack on

if he goes into his office to work, you carry on working, she is his mother he deals with it

starfishmummy · 15/10/2023 13:00

Call his bluff. He's saying he'll look after her so if he asks her without discussion you just say "sorry, I'm busy" and go out.

CurlewKate · 15/10/2023 13:00

Why does she need looking after? She's family. You say "I'm sorry- but I have to work for an hour now- you know where the kettle is!"

CurlewKate · 15/10/2023 13:01

But yes- he should let you know when he's asked her over. Of course he should.

Cherrysoup · 15/10/2023 13:01

So crack on, why are you cancelling meetings because he’s invited his mum round? Stop feeling pressured to host when he’s told you there’s no need. However, I’d like to know if someone is coming to the house: would he use a shared calendar?

Meetthecats · 15/10/2023 13:03

plumtreebroke · 15/10/2023 12:31

If he says he will look after her take him at his word. Just shout your Mum's here I'll be working in the other room if you need me and leave them to it.

I would absolutely do this!

SaracensMavericks · 15/10/2023 13:04

STOP cancelling your calls and putting your work aside OP. When she turns up, explain that you didn't realise she was coming and you have to work. Let your husband sort out vegan meals etc. Just keep saying "well I was working so..."