Should he have to discuss it with me or not????

[Latchkey1]

Hey I really need to know if I’m going crazy or if it is my DH who is unreasonable in this situation. I could ask my family but I really want someone impartial to give an honest view. I’m married for 11 years some happier than others if I’m honest but that’s a real marriage isn’t it??? My DC are 6 and 8 and in all they time they have been on this earth my MIL or SIL have never babysat but that is by the by. Some background, I’m not from London but this is where we live and all of my family live (200 miles away) where I’m from but we go to see them regularly and they often come and stay and will always babysit whenever needed.

My MIL has recently started visiting more and making more effort with the kids which is good. She lives with my SIL who has no kids and lives a full life, being out with friends, working, travelling and keeping fit. At one time they were very close some might say inseparable but for some reason not so much anymore, DH says she’s lonely and feels he needs to make her feel more welcome at ours as she is almost 80!

I do not mind this at all except, I do all the chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing up, ironing EVERYTHING. Which is fine as he is the bread winner in a very stressful job, he wfh some days and when he is, he barely leaves his computer and is in a tonne of Zoom meetings. So when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her. I have recently started my own business so I’m not always at home and some of my time is spent prepping for sessions or on my own Zoom calls. My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her which I of course don’t mind, if she is at our house and he is in his office. I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”. I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it. I just wanted him to give me the opportunity to organise my schedule so that I actually have time for her when she is here, rather than cancelling my plans at the last minute or leaving her down stairs alone which I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate. Plus she is Vegan which we are NOT so I often find myself running round at the last minute trying to find and prep separate food for her to eat.

Sorry I know it’s a long one but I just need to know AIBU or is he???

He is right he doesn't need to tell you when he arranged a visit. But if he wants to make it actually nice for his mum, with someone for her to talk to and some food in, then he can tell you. If he isn't bothered that she might be sitting downstairs on her own drinking water and nibbling on a carrot, than that's fine.

Honestly you need to let MIL and not change your plans.

You can apologise to MIL by stating the facts "sorry DH didn't let me know you were coming in time to buy you in some food/rearrange meetings/be around to host.

Let him take the flak for any disappointment on her part.

"he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”.

^^correct

"I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it."

^^ so why are you running around like a headless chicken as though you're getting a visit from royalty? Your guilt isnt anyone else's problem. You say he handled it once himself and she wasnt there the next time so just dig and dont be silly cancelling calls for unexpected visits.

My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice ... I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”.

First of all I hope you noted the HIS house comment, and are looking after your own financial needs as a priority. Too many women allow themselves to end up in a vulnerable financial position because they think their Hs will provide for them for the rest of their lives, then are absolutely screwed. He's shown you that he thinks of mutual assets as his - believe that this is how he really thinks and get yourself financially independent of him as much as you can for now and the future. He doesn't even see you as having any rights over your own home.

I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

So make a point of doing this.

I know what he says and what he means are two different things.

Well yes. What he means is that he sees you as the housewife with the silly little job that's not important and that he is too important to do even the slightest bit of mental labour to share when he's invited his mother over because he is the Big Important Man around here. Gross, how can you bear to sleep in the same bed as him? He would give me the ick.

Like the last time when she came on a Monday, he was wfh and I was onsite holding a session completely unaware that she was coming and our son was off school sick. I stopped off to pick up some supplies on the way home and got told to meet MIL at the train station as she will soon be arriving and he can’t leave our son to pick her up.

Next time remind him that he's the Big Important Man who said that he would Handle It, and leave him to it. Especially as you will be busy building up your own finances.

I also know MIL has old fashioned values and she will expect to be taken care of properly, ... me and her have never really been close, sometimes I have felt like she feels that I am getting in the way of her and her son

So get out of the way and get on with your own work and life and leave him to make his mother cups of tea, biscuits and vegan meals.

tbh I never felt she ever really welcomed me when I became part of the family like I would our sons wife to be or girlfriend. So I just don’t really need anymore bad blood between us.

I have horrible news for you: nothing you do will ever be good enough for her - so you might as well stop going out of your way to try, and get on with your own priorities instead

He can invite her round whenever he wants - he can't expect you to be host/waitress/chef at the drop of a hat.
Alert him to the fact that she has arrived, go out, or greet her and say you're working & go into a different room, DH is in his office.
(Or go out before she arrives)

Stop cancelling work stuff!!

This is SO not the priority, but to make your life easier just add some vegan stuff to your stores. A packet of vegan burgers in the freezer, and a jar of dairy free pesto in the cupboard (to go with pasta which I assume you normally have in) would do it. Bourbon biscuits are usually naturally vegan, have some of those in a tin for her.

(Again, this is SO not the priority, but others have covered this things)

YABU as he’s said he will deal with her, so let him.

Obviously he is really the one being UR.

Would you be able to work from somewhere else for parts of the week? Coffee shop, the library, or some such? So that if MIL turns up, you won't actually be there. I suspect that if DH/MIL are inconvenienced by you not being there for two or three times, he might be a bit more considerate.
YANBU though in wanting advance notice. It's just common courtesy for you both to tell the other if there is to be a visitor to the house.

I also know MIL has old fashioned values and she will expect to be taken care of properly, cups of tea and biscuits and dinner even though we never get warning that she is staying for dinner.
It's perfectly reasonable to say to her - "sorry MIL I've got work today, but please make yourself at home and help yourself to anything." Show her the tea things and telly or whatever and stop hosting, treat her like a member of the family.

By dropping work and cancelling you're putting obstacles in the way of your business succeeding.

STOP cancelling your work stuff. That's just as important as his job, especially if you're trying to build it up. I hate when family want to be waited on hand and foot, my family won't stand for it, when I go to my mum's I know where the kettle is.

HIS house? Is it not yours too? Especially as you're married? And you're the one keeping it clean and tidy and nice. Urgh.

Good. Keep doing this. Tell OH you are never free for MIL in office hours.

Stop changing your plans. Just go as normal. If she's there, just tell her that you'll be back later etc. Soon she'll realise that she needs to call you, not her son asking When's a good time to visit. It's going to be an on-going thing isn't it? So the more you drop your plans and pander to her, the more it's going to be expected from you. Which is extremely unfair. If your husband complains, explain that you have a life too! I hope your update is a positive one.

Is your DH supportive of your business? Because it might not be a coincidence that just as you're launching your own business (and becoming slightly financially independent) your DH starts inviting MIL over to visit. It seems like a subtle sabotage.

I think you're martyring yourself when you don't need to.

You said "He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it."

So take him at his word. Don't change anything you're doing. If you've got work, you've got work. If you're not available, you're not available. If there's no vegan food in the house, that's his problem not yours.

If MIL says anything, you tell her "I asked DH to let me know in advance when you were coming so I could plan, but he said he wasn't going to do that, and that I shouldn't change anything as he'd take care of it. I'm so sorry if he hasn't done that, but you need to speak to him about it."

And then either he'll step up, in which case no problem, or he doesn't, and then you have more of a point in getting him to let you know in advance.

All of this is bad. And its not going to get better the flatter you lie.

this

Id have pretended not to see the message or something…

Of course he can invite his Mum round whenever he wants, but he also then has to entertain her if you're busy. Next time he does it and you have work to do, walk into his office and say 'hi dh, your dm is downstairs, I've got a work call to do so will be on the phone. Say hi to her and if you're making her a cuppa I'd love one too'

Make yourself a coffee MIL, DH is in his office, give him a knock and I’m sure he’ll be with you soon. And off you go to Zoom, prep, whatever. If she can get to your house she can make herself a drink. ( keep a packet of vegan biscuits in just for her)

He sounds rude and abrupt and do not change your plans as you are acting like a doormat. Get on with your plans and let him deal with his own mother and look after her. Surely he can make her a cuppa and a sandwich. Stop putting everyone else before yourself and seems like you do it all. Does he not do anything to help in house, does he bathe children and read story, bedtime. He should help out weekend as you also need a bit of a break. Ironing, do people still iron!!! I used to be a nanny many a moon ago and I swear to god I never ironed so many shirts in my life and never want to see an iron again, I just hang shirts up after washing on a hanger and they are more than fine.

Is your husband usually so rude and can he actually have a conversation in a civil manner. So happy am single and staying single as could not be arsed at my age doing all that stuff for a man.

I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her

That's your issue right there. You don't need to take care of her. Get on about your business.

Practice your words in advance “what a shame! I’m fully booked! Dinner’s planned! I will be unavailable!

"Oh, it's such a shame DH didn't tell me you were coming - I'd have had some of that vegan cake you like in if I'd known, and I've got to go out to a meeting in 5 minutes".

Why the fuck did you cancel your calls? He can cancel his!