Should he have to discuss it with me or not????

[Latchkey1]

Hey I really need to know if I’m going crazy or if it is my DH who is unreasonable in this situation. I could ask my family but I really want someone impartial to give an honest view. I’m married for 11 years some happier than others if I’m honest but that’s a real marriage isn’t it??? My DC are 6 and 8 and in all they time they have been on this earth my MIL or SIL have never babysat but that is by the by. Some background, I’m not from London but this is where we live and all of my family live (200 miles away) where I’m from but we go to see them regularly and they often come and stay and will always babysit whenever needed.

My MIL has recently started visiting more and making more effort with the kids which is good. She lives with my SIL who has no kids and lives a full life, being out with friends, working, travelling and keeping fit. At one time they were very close some might say inseparable but for some reason not so much anymore, DH says she’s lonely and feels he needs to make her feel more welcome at ours as she is almost 80!

I do not mind this at all except, I do all the chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing up, ironing EVERYTHING. Which is fine as he is the bread winner in a very stressful job, he wfh some days and when he is, he barely leaves his computer and is in a tonne of Zoom meetings. So when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her. I have recently started my own business so I’m not always at home and some of my time is spent prepping for sessions or on my own Zoom calls. My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her which I of course don’t mind, if she is at our house and he is in his office. I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”. I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it. I just wanted him to give me the opportunity to organise my schedule so that I actually have time for her when she is here, rather than cancelling my plans at the last minute or leaving her down stairs alone which I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate. Plus she is Vegan which we are NOT so I often find myself running round at the last minute trying to find and prep separate food for her to eat.

Sorry I know it’s a long one but I just need to know AIBU or is he???

I think you are a martyr OP and if you don't want to do anything about it then all you can do is accept that this won't change.

Be honest. Are you afraid of him?

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

Semantics are everything here. Does he mean only if you are out of the house working and if you're WFH it's your job to look after her?

You're tyring to get your new business up and running. Why should you have to jeopardise that to cater to his mum (and his big job)?

You've used the word 'recently' twice in your opening post. Once about her visiting and once about starting your business. This may be way off beam but does he support you in what you're doing? Any chance he's trying to sabotage it?

@WallaceinAnderland I know how it must look to you guys but I just hate arguing and feel like his mum is finally making an effort with me so feel I should do the same. But I don’t like the way he makes it seem like I’m making out of the ordinary requests and asking for too much when really it’s as I suspected and most people would want the same. I’m so glad I got the nerve up to make this post.

I know what he says and what he means are two different things.

Why is this your problem? Just do what he says. After all, it’s ‘his house’.

@Gymnopedie It sounds bad to say it but yes I think he does think it’s down to me. My business is very new so it’s not bringing in the big bucks (yet!) but I always get the feeling that if I brought more money home I’d get more respect and me looking after his Mum is more important to him than this little thing that I’m doing. Although I don’t think he would try to sabotage it he’s just in the old way of thinking that I have my days “free” so why can’t I look after her from time to time? What’s the big deal???

Your body, your time, your effort are not apologies that you need to make to his bitch of a mother when she deigns to “make more of an effort” —and what is the effort she is making? To impose on you and treat your house as her own? She is lonely and has fallen out with her daughter so she is looking for companionship and someone to take care of her emotionally. You’ve been nominated since people no longer employ destitute gentlewomen for this function but your dh has one spare, lying around, gathering dust.

he doesn't have to ask you if his mum can come over.
And you don't have to change your schedule to accommodate her. A few times of you not being available will cure this.

What do you want from this thread OP. Do you want to change your behaviour or do you want things to stay the same?

@WallaceinAnderland i don’t know I think I just needed other people to tell me I wasn’t being crazy or asking too much so that I have the confidence to stand by my convictions. I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to reply to my post. I’m unsure as to what my next step will be but it has really helped hearing all of your thoughts. I will definitely make myself less available by being “out” more and start to focus on my finances and getting my sh*t together. I’m not going to bother talking to him again about it, I just don’t have the energy. But I am grateful for all your kind words and even the harsh ones it has helped me put things into perspective. Thank you

@WallaceinAnderland but i definitely do not want things to stay the same.

This is the very painful process of birthing a new you, who is respected and lived by people around her. Hopefully your dh will wake up and start to value you. But at least, when you value yourself highly, you will be able to decide what works for you, advocate for yourself, and get that respect or leave and find it elsewhere.

OP you didn't answer my question about whether you are scared of him, you just said you don't like an argument. But the point is, there should not be an argument.

What would happen if his mum turned up whilst he was working and you just said 'Oh hi, I'm just off out for a bit, DH is in there' and picked up your bag and left.

What would that actually look like? Would your DH stop work to socialise with her, would he ring you to ask you to come back, would he just leave her on her own in your house. What would actually happen?

@WallaceinAnderland sorry no I do not fear for my safety or anything but I do really hate the atmosphere when he becomes annoyed at me and as I said I don’t think we communicate well so it’s fairly easy for what I consider “little stuff” to become much more than it should. It’s also hard when little stuff becomes big stuff as I don’t have family round the corner that I can go round to and put some space between us as all my family is 200 miles away.

I think if she arrived and I just left they would both be thinking very poorly of me and may even talk about how badly I’ve treated her, again these are just my thoughts it has never happened but in the past certain stuff I had done innocently was commented on and she made no secret of her negative feelings towards me.

I don’t think DH would stop a meeting to go sit with her but he may find gaps in his schedule to go and sit with her. He would probably ring to ask what time I will be back honestly I don’t know if he would leave her alone in the house as it’s never come to that but I am going to make sure that from now on I will not be the go to sitter/carer especially without any discussion or notice. Even if that means I go to the library to do my work from now on.

Be very careful that you are not being soft soaped into becoming her minder.
Your mil is getting older, her daughter is looking for more independence from her mother and is around less, your husband is picking up that empty time and filling it with you.
Soon she won't be able for the train so often, so how about she stays over for a few days. Etc etc etc.

@Howyiz tbh it has come up recently. He wants to get our loft done and move her in because she’s lonely and frail and old. (In September her and her friend flew to Rome for a few days without even telling us!!!) Again I was made to feel like it wasn’t really up for discussion and that I was being unsupportive by even asking him to take some time to think about whether this was the right thing to do. If she moves in that would definitely be the final nail in the coffin.

Care 100% less what people say sbout you or think about you. “Your wife isn’t very nice to me!” “No! I can’t be bothered! You treat me like dirt so I gave up” just own it. Saves a lot of time. But if you ask me your dh will divorce you to make room for his mom. So get your ducks in a row.

I do not fear for my safety or anything but I do really hate the atmosphere when he becomes annoyed at me

What does his annoyance look like. Do you always apologise. Does he lecture you, ignore you or what?

The way you are describing your relationship at the moment is that it is unbalanced, have no say and that your opinions and feelings are wrong. It's probably hard for you to see right now but as you explore it more, you will realise that his behaviour is controlling in a coercive way.

Both me and my husband work from home and it’s common courtesy to let the other know if people will be calling round to the house, so he’s unreasonable on that.

However, he’s not asked you to cancel your work, he’s not asked you to run around prepping meals and he’s just told you’ll he’ll deal with her.

So when it happens again and she calls round go and get him and tell him she’s here and get on with your work. Politely say “oh lovely to see you X, DH will be here shortly, I’m just off to do xyz”. He’s literally told you it’s not your problem to deal with so leave him to it.

Your post made me read again, she’s not saying he doesn’t tell her, you’ve misread, she’s saying he doesn’t discuss it with her and give notice, he just says his mum is coming round and she wants him to discuss it before he invites her.

@WallaceinAnderland sometimes I apologise if I know I have been wrong in a situation other times I just carry and ignore it until he brings it up or it just blows over naturally. Although in this situation I’m finding hard because my feelings are very hurt as I didn’t say she couldn’t come I just wanted to be made aware of the plans so that if I couldn’t be available to pick her up or sit with her because of a meeting, I had a opportunity to say ahead of time. But I’ve just ended up feeling undervalued and disrespected. But in answer to you question he will lecture sometimes, or we go round and round his point of view versus mine and it can be so draining and yes sometimes I will get ignored. And I know there are two sides to every story so I really am trying to be fair to him, I don’t want to make him out to be horrible because he isn’t like this all the time and so it can be confusing. I don’t want to believe I am in a controlling relationship but I fear I may be? And I know that just sounds stupid doesn’t it? How can you not be sure? But I have contacted a counsellor and I’m just going to try and get my sh*t together because I don’t know what this means for me and my babies and of course the husband that I still love.

I think you need to put a hard boundary in place and spell it out.
I am not available to sit with and mind your mother unless previously agreed.
If it's not previously agreed and he says oh she's coming over, just tell him to enjoy the time with his mother. Don't get food in for her, don't change your plans.
Unless you make this your husband's problem, she will be moved in without any agreement from you.
Don't worry about upsetting her, or your husband, as neither of them give a shiny shit about upsetting you.

Your mil lives with her daughter there is no reason for her to be lonely.
What your husband means is that his mother is getting older and needs more care, neither her daughter nor her son want to do that work. So, her daughter is going out more, your husband is super busy, but luckily he has you and he feels entitled to use you and your time for his own purposes.
Be hard now so that you can put strong boundaries in place or you will leave yourself open to decades of being your mil's minder in place of her selfish children.

100 percent this.

I just wanted to be made aware of the plans so that if I couldn’t be available to pick her up or sit with her because of a meeting, I had a opportunity to say ahead of time.

You have told him this and he say's don't worry about it, he will deal with it so now you just need to make sure that is what happens. If he asks you to pick her up with no prior notice, you have to say no.

Even if you are doing nothing else, you have stipulated your conditions and if he would like to comply, you will too. Otherwise, it's over to him.

Him - mum needs picking up
You - ok
Him - are you going
You - no
Him - why not
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - but you're not doing anything
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - but I'm in a meeting
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - she won't be able to come then
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - she will be lonely
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - this will upset her
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - you're so selfish
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested

Do you see? There doesn't need to be an argument. You calmly state what the problem is until

Him - so if I told you yesterday she was coming you'd pick her up?
You - yes, no problem
Him - can you do it just this once
You - you gave no prior notice as I requested
Him - ok I'll have to get her
You - ok

It's called the 'broken record' response and stops him deflecting from the actual problem.

And next time he will give you prior notice. Or you go through the same conversation until he gets it. Of course, the more it inconveniences him, the quicker he will get it.

This is why people say actions speak louder than words.

It will also help going forward with expectations of care duties (which you should not get involved in at all imo or they will try to take advantage of you).

@WallaceinAnderland thank you so much for this, I’m going to screenshot this so I have the statement at the ready when I need it. I appreciate all of your advice it has been very helpful.