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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he have to discuss it with me or not????

112 replies

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 12:25

Hey I really need to know if I’m going crazy or if it is my DH who is unreasonable in this situation. I could ask my family but I really want someone impartial to give an honest view. I’m married for 11 years some happier than others if I’m honest but that’s a real marriage isn’t it??? My DC are 6 and 8 and in all they time they have been on this earth my MIL or SIL have never babysat but that is by the by. Some background, I’m not from London but this is where we live and all of my family live (200 miles away) where I’m from but we go to see them regularly and they often come and stay and will always babysit whenever needed.

My MIL has recently started visiting more and making more effort with the kids which is good. She lives with my SIL who has no kids and lives a full life, being out with friends, working, travelling and keeping fit. At one time they were very close some might say inseparable but for some reason not so much anymore, DH says she’s lonely and feels he needs to make her feel more welcome at ours as she is almost 80!

I do not mind this at all except, I do all the chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing up, ironing EVERYTHING. Which is fine as he is the bread winner in a very stressful job, he wfh some days and when he is, he barely leaves his computer and is in a tonne of Zoom meetings. So when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her. I have recently started my own business so I’m not always at home and some of my time is spent prepping for sessions or on my own Zoom calls. My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her which I of course don’t mind, if she is at our house and he is in his office. I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”. I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it. I just wanted him to give me the opportunity to organise my schedule so that I actually have time for her when she is here, rather than cancelling my plans at the last minute or leaving her down stairs alone which I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate. Plus she is Vegan which we are NOT so I often find myself running round at the last minute trying to find and prep separate food for her to eat.

Sorry I know it’s a long one but I just need to know AIBU or is he???

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 15/10/2023 13:06

He sounds like a misogynist arrogant prick tbh and this is the least of your problems. Do you enjoy being considered the live-in nanny, domestic and now elderly person carer in ‘his’ house? Because that’s all he considers you to be.

itsmylife7 · 15/10/2023 13:14

He's told you he'll take care of his Mothers needs,so leave him to it.

No one is actually forcing you to take care if her, apart from you !

Stop being a martyr OP

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 15/10/2023 13:16

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/10/2023 12:34

Stop martyring yourself. He's said you don't need to so just stop and trust him to pick up the rope.

This YABU because he said he will pick up the slack, so let him.

Nevermind31 · 15/10/2023 13:17

Leave him and his mum to it; he’ll soon change his mind

daliesque · 15/10/2023 13:19

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

There you go. Get on with your plans and let him handle it. He'll either do so, or realise that some planning and discussion is needed.

TheCatterall · 15/10/2023 13:20

@Latchkey1 its nice that she’s now decided to make more effort - but you are bending over backwards unnecessarily.

Let him amuse her.

Let him feed her and sort out the vegan stuff.

you have your life and he’s made it clear that your feelings on the matter don’t count. So
she is no longer yours to deal with.

Just a polite and cheery hello when she turns up and tell her you’ll let Dickhead know she’s here as you are just off out/on a business call.

and bobs your uncle he can be left amusing his mother whilst you have no vegan supplies in the house.

he can always organise buying some in if he wants them to hand.

MermaidMummy06 · 15/10/2023 13:24

I received the best advice recently.

'Be less available'

We make ourselves too available and often do too much. Of course the family will take advantage. So stop putting your own stuff aside. Your DH can handle it.

Dweetfidilove · 15/10/2023 13:24

YABU for cancelling your business to attend to an adult who is likely capable of looking after themselves and your husband has told you clearly it is not needed.

Now just carry on with your business and leave them to it.

Original poster

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 13:26

I know I probably seem like a martyr to some of you but I think it’s because I know what he says and what he means are two different things. Like the last time when she came on a Monday, he was wfh and I was onsite holding a session completely unaware that she was coming and our son was off school sick. I stopped off to pick up some supplies on the way home and got told to meet MIL at the train station as she will soon be arriving and he can’t leave our son to pick her up.

I also know MIL has old fashioned values and she will expect to be taken care of properly, cups of tea and biscuits and dinner even though we never get warning that she is staying for dinner. And me and her have never really been close, sometimes I have felt like she feels that I am getting in the way of her and her son and tbh I never felt she ever really welcomed me when I became part of the family like I would our sons wife to be or girlfriend. So I just don’t really need anymore bad blood between us.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 15/10/2023 13:30

when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her

Why ever do you think this? I could not disagree with you more.

Entertaining your MiL is entirely your DH's responsibility. Remind him of this and if he does not pick up the responsibility, just go out and leave him to it.

Why would you spend time with MiL unless you really, really want to do so?

My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her

The sooner you nip this in the bud, the better your life will be.

Trust me on this one.

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

What is stopping you from doing this?

Topsyturvy33 · 15/10/2023 13:32

YABU for being available. Next time I’d say that’s nice dear but I’m out all day and leave him to it…

(his house? What a cheek…)

NalafromtheLionKing · 15/10/2023 13:32

Maybe start working more from coffee shops etc and don’t pick up the phone if you’re busy.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 15/10/2023 13:34

Just go about your day, he said he will entertain her.

literalviolence · 15/10/2023 13:35

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 13:26

this is when you should have said "I can't do that, I have work to get back to. You arranged for her to come over, you pick her up"

Then when she arrives with no warning, tell your OH that it is his turn to cook. It's up to him to figure out how to accommodate an extra person.

Your OH knows what his mum expects so either he can provide that or he will disappoint her. Up to him.

2chocolateoranges · 15/10/2023 13:36

Of course he should run it by you when he invites some to the house.

Do not cancel your plans, if he invited her and you are busy then he will need to cancel his plans. He can’t decide your schedule for the day, that would be controlling.

GrumpyPanda · 15/10/2023 13:39

I know I probably seem like a martyr to some of you but I think it’s because I know what he says and what he means are two different things.

All the more reason to take him at his word and hold him to it. Do you want to have a life of him bullshitting you?

RedHelenB · 15/10/2023 13:40

Normalsizedsalad · 15/10/2023 12:34

He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it.

Let him then!

This

Original poster

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 13:40

@literalviolence I did do this! As there was one time I overheard him telling her to come but I knew I was working so when an unexpected meeting came up I said yes and didn’t return home until much later than usual. Funnily enough she wasn’t there when I got home! I never asked about her as I didn’t know she was supposed to be coming.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 15/10/2023 13:44

I think it's lovely she wants to be with you more. I don't think you have to pick up the slack. Male sure you/husband have a few easy vegan meals ready for her.....frozen nut roast ready meal, long life Dahl I'm the cupboard etc
Then who ever does tea will easily be able to do an extra meal.
Let mil know how grateful you are she is there. Make her useful.....She will be really helpful letting the kids in after school because you have a call. Don't forget to make yourself a cup of tea/coffee when you want.
Oh mum I meant to iron these t-shirts, I don't suppose you can help me out?
Let her know you value her there. As your business picks up and your kids get older you may come to rely on her presence. (My parents sometimes come over when OH and I are both at work. Kids are old enough to be OK with no adult....but I know someone is there and will notice if they don't get home on time.)

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2023 13:46

There are two things here op.

Firstly, it is entirely possible from the snippets you're posting, that your husband is a sexist, superior bully who sees you as inferior. The fact that you're having to ask this question where you're obviously nbu, suggests you've been gaslit in to thinking he's gods gift to you.

Secondly, this issue. There is only ONE way to deal with this. He has said he will do it, tough shit to him if he says one thing and means another, you HAVE to be unavailable every.single. Time. Go out, go out, go out. Every time. All smiles, just a cheery 'I'm off out now, lovely to see you, Bob's upstairs' every. Single. Time.

Isheabastard · 15/10/2023 13:49

He should have the decency to tell you before, but even better to discuss it with you.

My ex expected me to do all the housework, cleaning, cooking and washing and jump when he said jump. He invited people to our house to stay, extra people to dinner parties, even decide the date for hosting a party all without even consulting/telling me. yet I was the one who had to do all the work.

It took a number of years but I gradually managed to assert some boundaries.

This ultimately meant I didn’t make up beds for his family or male friends. I would get in food if I knew in time. Or he would have to sort it out. Depending on how long they were saying I would make an evening meal or two. He could sort the rest.

I would chat with his visitors as and when it suited me. I would make sure his visitors would know I had other things to do and would be petty enough to let slip I hadn’t even known they were coming.

I still got stuck with stripping beds and all the washing, but hey ho.

It’s telling that your husband said ‘his house’, if you are married it should be ‘our house’.

I finally realised my husband didn’t see me as his equal, I was just an annoying junior employee that he had to put up with and if he thought I was getting uppity he either raged or threatened to divorce me.

He’s got his wish at last and I hope he’s happy he can invite all the people in the world to visit. I’m just happy not to be there any longer.

OP it’s hard to go against your own ingrained views of what being a good host is, but this really is between him and his mother.

Original poster

Latchkey1 · 15/10/2023 13:50

@ThePoetsWife I know, I actually wonder about this too but these are the roles we fell into once I had the kids. And seeing him stressed about work, often working through the night, I just couldn’t then say to him “don’t forget it’s your turn to do the laundry” so I just took care of everything and now it’s just like that because even if he says he’s going to do something he often doesn’t get round to it and I just end up doing it anyway but just at a more inconvenient time!

OP posts:

travellingwithatoddler · 15/10/2023 13:52

That's fine! He doesn't tell you in advance, let him deal with the running around finding vegan food and making his mother feel welcome. If he can't handle it cos' hes working then that's just tough! YANBU. Dickhead attitude.

RockGirl · 15/10/2023 13:54

I worry for you. Do you have your own financial independence? Are half of the savings in your name? Are you paying into a pension from the family money?

It sounds like you are currently useful to him by providing him with a home and bringing up his offspring. What happens when he no longer needs you?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/10/2023 13:57

Fair enough he couldn’t leave a sick kid at home to pick her up. So that probably wasn’t the best example. I do think you are overthinking this.

Try things like this.

Oh hi MIL, so good to see you. DH didn’t mention you were coming. He’s on a call right now but I’ll let him know you are here. I’ve got a meeting in 5 but I can turn on the kettle for you. You know where the rest is. I’ll be done in an hour and would love to catch up.

then you text your DH and let him know. Tell him your plan for dinner and if that doesn’t work for her he needs to come up with plan B

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