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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my teenager more money?

120 replies

NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 11:51

My (37m) dc 18f, attends college and has a job that pays well for her age. She owes me £120 and has had £20 off of her boyfriend this week as well. She got paid yesterday £170. Of which she had £60 left after buying things she needed. She has a concert she is attending tomorrow I have paid her hotel room so she can stay overnight in London. This is separate to the money she owes me and she doesn't need to pay that back. She now has £3 left after deciding to go out for the day with a friend. She called me up really upset and asking for money for her concert tomorrow as she has spent all her money.

AIBU to say no? I have reminded her for the past two weeks to not spend anything as she will need it for food/drink for her concert. I am on disability and she knew my money went in today. I suspect this is why she decided she could spend her money and dear dad would pick up the slack. However she already owes me £120 which she has told me will take her months to pay back.

I feel guilty for saying no, but she doesn't help out at home, she doesn't pay rent etx. She only pays her phone bill. She has had the job for over a year, she isn't new to having money and she used to be very smart with it. I pay for her dog, I pay for her subscriptions and I buy all of her health care products (she costs me around £300 a month on products/perfumes/make up)

So AIBU to say not give her more money?

When I leant her the £120 I made it clear that I wouldn't give her more until that was paid back.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 11:52

Did she buy anything that she can return for a refund ? Now is the time to learn this important lesson. She's lucky that she owes you rather than council tax, landlord etc

BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 11:53

Is she off to uni next year ?

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 11:53

You need to stick to your last statement or she will continue to take the piss.

amiold · 14/10/2023 11:55

Just say you don't have it this month either. Then it's not a flat out refusal but might make her think on next time that it doesn't grow on trees

2chocolateoranges · 14/10/2023 11:56

Do not give her any more money. You need to stick to your guns showing her that her actions have consequences. She needs to learn to budget better,

I have two children 21 and 20 and both know how to budget their money, some months it’s tight but they manage.

Wonkasworld · 14/10/2023 11:56

She knows the Bank of Mum is always open. It's time to shut it.

2jacqi · 14/10/2023 11:57

she surely did not NEED to spend £110!!!! you need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand! did she come home laden with bags yesterday? at 18 there is nothing wrong with going to primark and their clothes are really cheap. she would have difficulty spending 110 there/

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/10/2023 11:57

You (37m) are not on Reddit. But you’re right, DD had plenty of money.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/10/2023 11:58

Wonkasworld · 14/10/2023 11:56

She knows the Bank of Mum is always open. It's time to shut it.

Apart from it’s Bank of Dad, absolutely this. She obviously thinks she can just come crying to you and you’ll give her money every time, but she’s right! So stop it. That’s the only way she’ll learn.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2023 11:59

I know a few people who have parents who always bail them out when they 'need it' (self inflicted need due to overspending on shit). Its made them terrible with money ans the pattern has remained into adulthood. Don't give her more, you are not helping her with budgeting. Unless she is very dim, she knew that spending all her money would mean she had none left. All you'd be teaching her is that budgeting doesn't matter. She can still go, take sandwiches from home to eat beforehand and a pot noodle for the hotel room.

Also £300 a month on products, perfume, make up is completely insane and will not be helping with this reckless attitude to spending

Peacelily001 · 14/10/2023 12:02

I agree with the others. No way would I give her more money. Life lesson here - she’s not 13!

I’d also get a payment plan for the rest of the money she owes you, show her you mean business.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/10/2023 12:03

Actually I have a friend like this (adult, married, two kids!) She constantly goes crying to her parents for money. Ridiculous.

Peacelily001 · 14/10/2023 12:04

Also £300 a month on products, perfume, make up is completely insane and will not be helping with this reckless attitude to spending

Totally agree with this. I work full time and earn a reasonable salary, and cannot afford to spend anything like this on frivolous shit.

Wonkasworld · 14/10/2023 12:05

BrutusMcDogface · 14/10/2023 11:58

Apart from it’s Bank of Dad, absolutely this. She obviously thinks she can just come crying to you and you’ll give her money every time, but she’s right! So stop it. That’s the only way she’ll learn.

Show quote history

Oh yeah, my bad 😀

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2023 12:05

What does she ‘need’ that she spent over £100 on? What does she have to use her money for?

Is she paid £170 a month? £40 a week might not be much depending on what she has to buy.

However £300 a month on non-essential cosmetics is bonkers.

pacificoceanwhale · 14/10/2023 12:08

I agree with a PP that now is the time for an important lesson. It'll be tough. Stay strong.

Britneyfan · 14/10/2023 12:09

I think you’re right to stand firm. I personally would be tempted to give in and let her have a small amount of money if she’s otherwise literally not going to be able to attend this thing that money has already been spent on though. But unless she has some crazy expensive specific needs you haven’t mentioned I do think you seriously need to revise her beauty products etc budget. So it would be contingent on this being revised. That’s a crazy amount of money per month especially if you are on disability!

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 14/10/2023 12:12

£300 a month on PRODUCTS???

No way you can afford that on benefits. There are a lot of made up threads about today

KenAdams · 14/10/2023 12:13

If you told her no more, then no more. You have to stick to your guns on this one. Going to a concert with no money will be shit and likely to be the thing that gives her a wake up call.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 12:13

Is the £110 on stuff she needed stuff like car insurance /bus pass or luxuries like gummy membership and clothes?
The £300 on subscriptions and makeup is also madness. I pay for my teenagers to have contact lenses and some subscriptions like Spotify and PlayStation but not £300! Talk about champagne tastes on beer money.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 14/10/2023 12:24

I don't think you should give her money. She has to learn. £300 a month on cosmetics and other items is insane. I would be tempted to offer her a deal. Debt paid off and some money for the concert but going forward you are no longer paying for these things. Therfore you now have £300 a month of your own money left now. Don't understand how she went through her wages so quickly if you buy all of her stuff for her.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 14/10/2023 12:30

Does she get £170 a week or a month?

What on earth are you spending £300 a month on for her?

Antst · 14/10/2023 12:37

You have created this situation by spoiling her. It isn't fair on her because she has no idea how to manage money and the situation will create tension in her relationships (with you, with her boyfriend, with friends).

It makes no sense to me that you've paid for her hotel room when she owes you money and is taking from her boyfriend too.

In addition, you don't require her to help at home or pay rent. You even pay for her dog and all of her personal products!

It is disgusting that you've managed to raise someone who thinks it's OK to take from someone on disability and fritter the money away on rubbish.

Can't believe you're asking if you're being unreasonable. You need a reality check and so does she.

ManchesterLu · 14/10/2023 12:46

Spending that much on her for perfume and makeup is ridiculous. IMO if you're paying for her essentials that should be things like shower gel/toothpaste/deo/sanpro etc. NOT makeup and perfume, as they're NOT essential and should come out of her wage.

Definitely stick to your guns, she needs to learn this lesson.

Thedm · 14/10/2023 12:51

What on earth is costing £300 a month? What products?
No wonder she is entitled if that’s her norm. That stops now. Seriously, she doesn’t get £300 a month on products. £30 and she can learn to budget.

You need to realise that sometimes parenting is hard and you have to say no.

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