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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my teenager more money?

120 replies

NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 11:51

My (37m) dc 18f, attends college and has a job that pays well for her age. She owes me £120 and has had £20 off of her boyfriend this week as well. She got paid yesterday £170. Of which she had £60 left after buying things she needed. She has a concert she is attending tomorrow I have paid her hotel room so she can stay overnight in London. This is separate to the money she owes me and she doesn't need to pay that back. She now has £3 left after deciding to go out for the day with a friend. She called me up really upset and asking for money for her concert tomorrow as she has spent all her money.

AIBU to say no? I have reminded her for the past two weeks to not spend anything as she will need it for food/drink for her concert. I am on disability and she knew my money went in today. I suspect this is why she decided she could spend her money and dear dad would pick up the slack. However she already owes me £120 which she has told me will take her months to pay back.

I feel guilty for saying no, but she doesn't help out at home, she doesn't pay rent etx. She only pays her phone bill. She has had the job for over a year, she isn't new to having money and she used to be very smart with it. I pay for her dog, I pay for her subscriptions and I buy all of her health care products (she costs me around £300 a month on products/perfumes/make up)

So AIBU to say not give her more money?

When I leant her the £120 I made it clear that I wouldn't give her more until that was paid back.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 14/10/2023 12:52

“Can't believe you're asking if you're being unreasonable. You need a reality check and so does she.”
This post nailed it. Most full time working adults don’t have hundreds of pounds to spend on frivolities every month. If she’s still in education I wouldn’t expect her to be paying towards her keep but that covers the basics, not perfume and cosmetics. What was the agreement when you lent her £120? She should be paying her debts as first priority when she gets paid before spending more money.
You raised a spoilt princess, time to set some ground rules.

dressedforcomfort · 14/10/2023 12:56

Did she buy anything that she can return for a refund ? Now is the time to learn this important lesson. She's lucky that she owes you rather than council tax, landlord etc

Agree with this

Catza · 14/10/2023 13:12

No, it's not a good idea to give her money on request. Presumably, she already paid for the concert ticket and you found her somewhere to stay. She will just have to pack some lunch and go without drinks. No big deal. We all have to economise when we fall short so she will have to learn too.
When I was growing up ( before I started working), my mum would give me a monthly allowance at the start of the month and this would be it. If I had to borrow some money, she would take it straight out of the next month allowance, no negotiations. Served me well as an adult as I have never been short of money due to lack of budgeting even as a student.

kitsuneghost · 14/10/2023 13:23

£300 a month on perfume, makeup and toiletries?? Disability benefit is more than I thought.
We are working full time in professional jobs and couldn't afford that.

PinkArt · 14/10/2023 13:24

She spent all her money? Shame! She'll have to take food with her then and not buy anything at the venue.
As others have said, stop spending £300 a month on toiletries for her! I love my beauty products but can't begin to imagine hitting that level of spending, especially not with someone else's money. Has she spun you a line that tampons cost £300 a month?! Just wondering with the mention of health products. Take it back to £50ish, or wherever is needed for the essentials if it includes things like contacts. Then you've recouped the £120 owed in a month and done her a huge favour in learning to budget before she's having to cover bills, rent, food etc by herself. It's pretty late but better now that never.

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:26

She knows how to budget and has been budgeting very well since she was 16. Recently she has started to just not care and spend constantly. She isn't depressed, she's very happy since she got this boyfriend but is being so irresponsible. I don't understand why.

OP posts:
Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:28

That's a lot less than she used to get. Growing up her allowance was a lot more. I then spent three years weaning her off of the allowance, teaching her about bills and budgeting and the real world. Which was going fine until about three months ago.

OP posts:
ToadOnTheHill · 14/10/2023 17:33

I'd bail her out but present it as a choice.

I'll give you the money but if I to then i wont be funding the £300 a month stuff anymore, I expect you to set up a direct debit for payday before you have the money AND you'll be paying rent of X amount. Your choice.

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:35

She knows how to budget and is usually good at it. The £300 is for make up, girl supplies, toothpaste, wash stuff, acne medicine, toiletries, moisturiser, lip care etx. It gets pretty expensive when it's all added up. It all gets used so its not being wasted. I'm ok paying for that stuff, I'm not ok being a bank machine. Her allowance has gone down over half of what she used to have growing up.

OP posts:
Olika · 14/10/2023 17:36

Don't give her. Tell her she had a certain amount of money and she decided to blow it and perhaps next month she can plan better.

Alainlechat · 14/10/2023 17:41

No, I wouldn't. I pointed out to my teen that they actually had more spending money than me each month so no way was I giving them more.

I did already pay her phone and all reasonable toiletries.

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:43

That isn't from my benefit. My benefit is used on the equipment that I need to live and to pay for my carer. Her money comes from the maintenance from her estranged parent and I match it from my part time job. I am ok paying her that. However I am not ok with her wanting money from my benefit because then I have to struggle without something that I need to get by. (Charging my wheelchair/diapers/prescription/travel expenses to appointments/pay for a carer to help me on days when I cannot get around etx) my disability works out at £75 a week. So no it's not tons. Electric for the wheelchair alone exceeds that in this current climate as it is charged all night every night. I don't need to change things at home, I just need to know if I am being unreasonable to say no to giving her more money. Not the money she already has.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 14/10/2023 17:43

NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:35

She knows how to budget and is usually good at it. The £300 is for make up, girl supplies, toothpaste, wash stuff, acne medicine, toiletries, moisturiser, lip care etx. It gets pretty expensive when it's all added up. It all gets used so its not being wasted. I'm ok paying for that stuff, I'm not ok being a bank machine. Her allowance has gone down over half of what she used to have growing up.

£300 is a ridiculous amount amount for toiletries/make-up - lip-care - hardly a necessity, what is lip-care anyway ? £10 max would cover tampons, toothpaste £5. Shower gels/hand wash, shampoos £10. Make-up - doesn’t need to be high end surely.

Honestly, how many parents give their 18 yo £300 a month for toiletries and make-up.

Spacecowboys · 14/10/2023 17:44

Depends really. Presumably she is in full time education and you are in receipt of child benefit / tax credits ( if eligible) . If this is the case, she is a dependent so I would still be buying her clothes, subscriptions, phone bill, driving lessons , bus fares, toiletries etc. The £170 wage would be hers to spend on social activities or whatever else she wanted. What does she have to pay for from her wage? As that will influence my answer.

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2023 17:44

Nope, time for her to live in the real world. £300 a month for products is ridiculous.

Sunnydays0101 · 14/10/2023 17:45

Of course you are not unreasonable saying No.

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:46

She can spend about £400 at primark easily. However, she didn't come back with bags, she bought one book that was actual physical evidence of her spend. The rest went on food/coffee/drinks/train fare. I'm guessing she paid for her friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:49

She pays for only her phone bill. Her wage is usually higher than that but she only had 3 shifts last week. Usually she makes upwards of £200. And yes she is in full time education. I do not get tax credits. The agreement is that her wage is for her extras on top of what I provide for her. So if she wants to buy clothes on top of what I get her, I pay for her needs, she pays for her wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 17:58

The £120 was loaned as a pay me back weekly. Yes she was raised as a princess, and would probably still be if I could still work full time as I used to make a lot of money. However since becoming disabled I have had to change her way of life. £300 for her is a massive cut. I do not need a reality check. I am aware how I raised my child. But you have to remember that my income was a lot higher than what it is now. However, she is polite, she gives to charity, she helps those in need etx. She works a good job and rarely has any time off and she is doing two A levels at college as well, she wants to be an English professor. She could budget very well until recently. I am not sure what has changed. Perhaps having a flippant few months after being good for a year. I do not know.

OP posts:
Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:01

Yabu to have raised her to expect £300 in products each month, jeez.
Say no, going without is the only lesson she needs right now,

2chocolateoranges · 14/10/2023 18:02

I don’t think she does know how to budget, you are spending £300 on beauty products for her and bailing her out when needed, it’s your money so she isn’t learning to budget at all.

my youngest is at uni, we pay her phone bill and she pays for everything else off her part time wages, approx £250 a month , that includes petrol, going out with friends, her boyfriend and buying clothes , beauty products etc and managing to save money each month too,

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 18:02

No she makes over £200 a week from her job.

Also, is make up not an essential? Women wear it everyday. Therefore it runs out every week. I used to give my ex girlfriend money for make up too, as it's an essential right? I always figured it was needed, and filed it under girls needs.

Maybe I do need that aforementioned reality check....

OP posts:
Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:03

2 A levels isn’t a lot it’s a minimum. Standard is three. Working is not unusual. She is being spoilt and you are an enabler.

Spacecowboys · 14/10/2023 18:04

People will completely disagree with me on this but I would give her some money for the concert. Whilst still in full time education, I expect my teens to cost me a fortune. A bit different if she was working full time, living at home and still expecting to be subbed.

Original poster
NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 18:06

Her other bio parent pays maintenance, I match the maintenance from my part time job. It's not rhat hard to understand. I did not say that I am just on disability. Disabled people work too.

OP posts: