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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my teenager more money?

120 replies

NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 11:51

My (37m) dc 18f, attends college and has a job that pays well for her age. She owes me £120 and has had £20 off of her boyfriend this week as well. She got paid yesterday £170. Of which she had £60 left after buying things she needed. She has a concert she is attending tomorrow I have paid her hotel room so she can stay overnight in London. This is separate to the money she owes me and she doesn't need to pay that back. She now has £3 left after deciding to go out for the day with a friend. She called me up really upset and asking for money for her concert tomorrow as she has spent all her money.

AIBU to say no? I have reminded her for the past two weeks to not spend anything as she will need it for food/drink for her concert. I am on disability and she knew my money went in today. I suspect this is why she decided she could spend her money and dear dad would pick up the slack. However she already owes me £120 which she has told me will take her months to pay back.

I feel guilty for saying no, but she doesn't help out at home, she doesn't pay rent etx. She only pays her phone bill. She has had the job for over a year, she isn't new to having money and she used to be very smart with it. I pay for her dog, I pay for her subscriptions and I buy all of her health care products (she costs me around £300 a month on products/perfumes/make up)

So AIBU to say not give her more money?

When I leant her the £120 I made it clear that I wouldn't give her more until that was paid back.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 14/10/2023 18:07

£300 a MONTH on beauty products?!?! That's insane!

She will grow up thinking money grows on trees if you spend that sort on her!

Absolutely DO NOT give her any more money, otherwise she will keep doing you and not respect you.

Or give her the money and instead stop paying £300 for beauty stuff. £300 a YEAR should be more than enough!

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 18:09

Er OP, you are genuinely doing her no favours whatsoever.

Don’t lend her any more money - she will only learn to manage it if it runs out and she can’t pay for things she wants.

If you give her £300 a month and she earns £200 a week and spends it all on crap then at no point has she understood budgeting.

The ridiculousness of the figures plus your comment about make up being essential for women does make me think this might be a piss take, but if it isn’t get a grip and stop giving her money to waste. Put it in an account for uni or a house deposit for for later if you want too.

Also - she hasn’t a hope of being an English prof or getting into a decent university on 2 A levels, she needs to do three.

Start doing some parenting, seriously.

MrsMarzetti · 14/10/2023 18:12

Stop giving her money, if she wants perfume let her buy it. She is a spoiled brat.

Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 18:12

18 year old has a job. Sorry put your foot down tho you should have done it sooner tbh. All our children pay back bit by bit what they borrow and then they can do whatever with the rest. No means no in our house and if they are fair paying back then we are more than happy to help out when they need it. All the oldest with part time jobs pay £20 towards rent and there own phones the rest there good at eeking out unless they need a bigger amount a 100 for example at once for festivals then it gets paid back the next pay day to us. They all help around the house it's part of being a helpful,loving happy family

PoshCoffee · 14/10/2023 18:16

£300 a month is insane. Some people have to feed a family in that amount.

My teen is still in full time education and has a well paid casual job. My rule of thumb is I pay for what she needs, she pays for what she wants.

Your DD doesn’t need make up and perfume, she wants it. Your DD needs toothpaste and tampons.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 14/10/2023 18:17

NolongerMom · 14/10/2023 18:02

No she makes over £200 a week from her job.

Also, is make up not an essential? Women wear it everyday. Therefore it runs out every week. I used to give my ex girlfriend money for make up too, as it's an essential right? I always figured it was needed, and filed it under girls needs.

Maybe I do need that aforementioned reality check....

If this isn’t a windup, I can definitely tell you that makeup does not run out every week as you suggest. Even if she’s reapplying it constantly, each product should last at least several months. Where on earth is the money going?!

Patchworksack · 14/10/2023 18:17

Hang on.. she is earning £800 a month whilst having everything she actually needs paid for, plus £300 on toiletries/makeup and she still runs out of money and doesn’t pay back her loans??

  1. Don’t give her any more money.
  2. She pays your £120 owing straight back out of next week’s wages
  3. You need to sit down with her and look where this money is going. Her spending is completely out of control.
QueenCamilla · 14/10/2023 18:19

It's either a pisstake or she's on drugs. Hundreds of pounds a month to "powder one's nose" sounds about right.
Well done for subbing your daughter's (and her boyfriend's ) pot/coke/crack whatever.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/10/2023 18:20

If she's 18 when will the maintenance payments stop and what will you do then?

Because £300 a month is a LOT. She is buying very expensive brands and while that's fine when your income is high, yours is not so that really must change.

I'm a bit torn as to whether you should lend her money for the concert though. Is she travelling away to the concert for a couple of days? Who is she going with? Could they cover her, given that she seems to be paying for her friends when out. Worst case scenario I'd give her a small amount of money, enough to buy some food at a Tesco express so she doesn't starve, but not enough for concert venue food.

Tell her what you would have to go without to find this, stretch the truth of you have to, and make it clear that this is the absolute last time. She will probably kick off anyway because £20 or so won't be enough for her champagne lifestyle version of concert food that she is planning for. So either way you'll need to hold firm.

stayathomer · 14/10/2023 18:21

While I think she needs a lesson taught a concert is such a treat nowadays I’d teach her another time!!

BMW6 · 14/10/2023 18:23

£300 on that shit is INSANE and make up lasts months - often YEARS

You're being mugged off OP and taken for a fool.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 14/10/2023 18:24

OP why did you ask us? From your replies you do not like any answers and have spent all your time defending and fending and proving. 99% of us think you should stop but you aren;t listening so why ask ?

Millybob · 14/10/2023 18:25

£300 a month for make-up - are you crazy? And god only knows what she's looks like if she's slapping all that on!
Plus you have raised a child who thinks it's okay to be borrowing from friends.
If she's going to that concert she needs to start buttering bread for a few sandwiches to take with her and filling a water bottle from the tap. Let her get on with it!
And the £120 she owes you needs to come straight out of her next pay packet.

Ericaequites · 14/10/2023 18:30

I don’t spend £300 a YEAR on toiletries and makeup. The latter is a tube
of lipstick. A full face of slap is not a necessity.

Lordofmyflies · 14/10/2023 18:30

She's taking you for a ride OP. £300 a month on make-up!! My make-up lasts for months. It sounds though she has champagne tastes on a lemonade budget but doesn't care because Mummy is footing the bill.
There are plenty of Chemist make-up brands that are just as good as Chanel etc. I would say £40 a month to cover sanpro, toothpaste, shampoo etc and a make up product is plenty and very affordable out of her £800 a month income.

CyberCritical · 14/10/2023 18:31

Does she wear A LOT of makeup or very very expensive brands?

I'm completely the other end of the scale so makeup lasts me years, but I cannot possibly believe any of the constituent parts need replacing weekly unless she's putting her foundation on with a trowel.

Eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara even if applied several times a day should last a couple of months.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:33

I don't spend that a year on makeup.
Sorry but you are just going to have to start saying no. And meaning it. You are teaching her nothing.

Millybob · 14/10/2023 18:33

Lipcare for FFS!
Still, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when daddy's little princess walks into the SCR as an English professor!

jmh740 · 14/10/2023 18:33

I would give her a small amount of money for the concert maybe 50 but take 50 from what you give her a month until she has repaid the money she owes you. When she leaves home she might not be able to afford to spend 300 a month on girls things. Its hard because you want to treat her and you probably feel guilty that her lifestyle has changed due to your disability, my family is in a similar position, my husband can no longer work due to ill health we are almost 2k a month worse off but the children have had to learn that we all need to make sacrifices now.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:37

Also English professor on two a levels? Why only two?
A lot of this doesn't make sense.

Skodacool · 14/10/2023 18:38

£400 in Primark - did she buy the shop’s entire stock!

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/10/2023 18:38

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:37

Also English professor on two a levels? Why only two?
A lot of this doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't...

Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:39

No sympathy for either of you. Bratty behavior!

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 14/10/2023 18:39

Her allowance used to be £600/ month when she was younger?!
What on earth was your school-aged child spending £20 a day on?!
Lots of adults work full-time and have nothing like that level of disposable income to spend on make-up/ clothes/ going out.

Even now, it sounds like she's raking in over £1100 from her job and you, and is not contributing towards her living space (rent/utilities/council tax) or presumably much towards what she eats at home either?

Again, loads of people live on far less than that.

If anything happens to you/ her other parent, she's going to have a very sharp shock.

You think you've taught her to budget well but nothing in your story suggests that this is the case at all. You've also failed to teach her the basic life skills required to look after a home? And she's only bothering to do 2 A levels but has an unrealistic expectation of becoming an English professor?! Really?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/10/2023 18:41

£300 a month on beauty stuff. Wtf do you buy for her 🙀🙀

I def wouldn't be lending her money

She knew she had a nice time planned and went out regardless and spent money