To not give my teenager more money?

[NolongerMom]

My (37m) dc 18f, attends college and has a job that pays well for her age. She owes me £120 and has had £20 off of her boyfriend this week as well. She got paid yesterday £170. Of which she had £60 left after buying things she needed. She has a concert she is attending tomorrow I have paid her hotel room so she can stay overnight in London. This is separate to the money she owes me and she doesn't need to pay that back. She now has £3 left after deciding to go out for the day with a friend. She called me up really upset and asking for money for her concert tomorrow as she has spent all her money.

AIBU to say no? I have reminded her for the past two weeks to not spend anything as she will need it for food/drink for her concert. I am on disability and she knew my money went in today. I suspect this is why she decided she could spend her money and dear dad would pick up the slack. However she already owes me £120 which she has told me will take her months to pay back.

I feel guilty for saying no, but she doesn't help out at home, she doesn't pay rent etx. She only pays her phone bill. She has had the job for over a year, she isn't new to having money and she used to be very smart with it. I pay for her dog, I pay for her subscriptions and I buy all of her health care products (she costs me around £300 a month on products/perfumes/make up)

So AIBU to say not give her more money?

When I leant her the £120 I made it clear that I wouldn't give her more until that was paid back.

People on this thread are being pretty harsh with the OP.
He seems to have very significant disabilities and has had a drastic change in life circumstances. Sounds like he was once a very high earner, has became disabled and separated from partner along the way and is now a single parent to at least one daughter.
Reading between the lines, sounds like there have had to make huge adjustments to their lifestyle, and it’s understandable that the current situation has arisen. There is no need to be judgemental or rude.

Sorry what?? £300 a month on make up and perfume. Do you put the doormat on your back or chest? If she's earning anything other than shampoo, conditioner and deodorant she buys herself. You should give her money cause you've created this monster but after it you cut all spending on her. Her wages pay for her luxuries. Make up and perfume are luxuries.

I'm confused. You match maintenance and give it to your DD who does not pay for anything and you give her literally hundreds of pounds a month for what can only be Chanel toiletries?

Maintenance is for food, electricity etc not pocket money for a privileged young woman. You are setting her up to fail as this lifestyle will not be sustainable but her expectations are unrealistic.

I don't get the impression you are hearing the responses and will carry on just the same. You're splitting hairs over £120 when you spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds on nothing.

What job is a teen doing A levels doing that earns £800 a month? They shouldn't really be doing more than 10-12 hours a week on top of studying. Is this why she dropped an A-level? She will struggle to get into university with only 2.
Is she learning to drive? Saving?

My 17 year old got his first part time job at 16, works about 12 hours a week for minimum wage and has saved 1/3 of his wages since he started. Paid for all his own driving lessons. He hasn't borrowed a penny from me since he started work.

I pay for bus travel, essential clothes and toiletries and his phone. Total costs maybe £100 a month. Anything he wants, he pays for.

OP if your post is genuine, not only are YBU, you are setting your DD up to fail.

You need to cut back on that £300 a month. I don’t spend £300 in a year on myself for make up and perfume. She needs a reality check and to dial back her expectations on the brands she should be buying. High street not high end.

I was doing 5pm-9pm in a call centre all through AS and ALevels so 20 hrs during the week then I'd pick up overtime at the weekends, only £7ph at the time so not quite £800 basic but if her hourly rate is higher it would be doable to make £800 a month.

Match maintenance? that money isn't for your DD to spend , it's to cover the costs of keeping her; mortgage, power, food, essentials.
Are you giving her the maintenance plus £300 to herself plus her wages?
Does nothing about the house? she's making a mug of you.

She sounds like she’s thoroughly spoilt and over indulged, she certainly doesn’t have a clue about budgeting.
You’re colluding with her Ffs, absolutely no one needs to spend that level of money on makeup etc, it’s ridiculous.
Goodness knows what her allowance used to be but it’s obscene levels for a child.

The £300 is for make up, girl supplies, toothpaste, wash stuff, acne medicine, toiletries, moisturiser, lip care etc

My 19yo dds "girl stuff" expenses are a tiny fraction of that - I didnt see you say how long £300s worth would last but Im guessing your dds £300 would be about £20-30 for my dd.

Ah...... Ive just seen £300 is for girl stuff per month. Pmsl. I buy all that kinda stuff for my dd (its just part of our regular weekly shop). I doubt I spend more than £5 a month each on either her or me tbh.

toothpaste £1 a tube? Lasts ages
wash stuff £1 for shampoo £1 for shower gel. Three-four showers a week lasts ages.
acne medicine £0
toiletries - washable san pro? - costs a bit but its already bought and lasts years.
moisturiser - tub of E45. Lasts ages
lip care - tub of carex £3? Lasts ages
make up - £0 spent by me - if she wants any she'll buy it with her own money.

I was initially impressed at you saying your dd was good at budgeting op but actually I doubt she ever has been - you give her far too much money.

Stick to your word.
Do not enable her poor budgeting choices. That is not helpful.
One or two sad results will teach her good life lessons.

Could she sell the ticket?
Also stop purchasing your daughter's bathroom products.

Even if someone wears makeup every day, it does not run out weekly. Foundation lasts a couple of months, eyeshadows more than a year, lipstick probably a year as well. She’s taking you for a mug. Also she doesn’t need designer makeup which might be what she is getting if she spends £300 a month. But either way I doubt it all gets used up on a monthly basis unless she is slapping it on several times a day. It’s obviously up to you to give her a monthly allowance of this size but giving her extra money when she clearly failed to budget would be a no from me.

This. A friend of a dd who was constantly bailed out by her parents ended up with over £30k of cc debt. Constantly shopping - clothes, shoes, bags, makeup - and she had to have a flash car.
Eventually - late 20s or early 30s - she had to go bankrupt.

It's either a pisstake or she's on drugs

This. My money is on the first one. Nobody thinks make-up is an essential expense that needs to be replaced weekly. Anybody with eyes can see that swathes of the female population wear none or almost none much of the time and men don’t buy their partners make up on the basis of it being essential spending, like food or council tax. Also 2 A-levels and wanting to be a professor.

I also worked 5-9pm Monday to Friday during a levels and made about £140. Nowadays with minimum wage being around £10, I would probably make £200 a week. (I had generous employees who paid the 16 year olds the same as the over 18s as we were all doing the same job).

it is a lot for an A level student, although she is doing only 2 Alevels so presumably only in college a couple of hours a day with plenty of study time.

op stay firm and don’t loan her more money. She seems to have loads from you, her other parent and her job. I would be expecting her to save for uni or a car with if. I wouldn’t expect her to pay rent though while she’s still in education

Also op are you American? Words like diapers and phrases like ‘I figured’ seem quite American

Make up is ‘essential’? And it runs out weekly? 😄 Dude, you’re allowing yourself to be made a fool of, and this young woman is a spoilt brat-you’ve raised her to have ridiculous ideas about normal spending, this needs corrected, both of you, since you have no grasp on reality either. Moisturiser is £5 and lasts months, no idea what ‘lip care’ is, tampons are £5, etc.

Watch a few episodes of this programme and you'll get a really good idea of how your future will be if you keep bailing your daughter out.

I absolutely would not give her any money for her gig, and the ridiculous £300 monthly spends on makeup and skincare would be gone. Part of being a responsible adult is learning that if you want that stuff, you need to pay for it yourself.

You need to be firm and stick with what you told her; i.e. you would not be bailing her out.

Any other action will tell her that she can continue spending freely as your wallet is always open.

Let her learn the lesson when it really matters.

I wouid stop giving her £300 in cash I presume /into her account monthly

And ask for receipts for make up

No way wjll be £300 a month