To not give my teenager more money?

[NolongerMom]

My (37m) dc 18f, attends college and has a job that pays well for her age. She owes me £120 and has had £20 off of her boyfriend this week as well. She got paid yesterday £170. Of which she had £60 left after buying things she needed. She has a concert she is attending tomorrow I have paid her hotel room so she can stay overnight in London. This is separate to the money she owes me and she doesn't need to pay that back. She now has £3 left after deciding to go out for the day with a friend. She called me up really upset and asking for money for her concert tomorrow as she has spent all her money.

AIBU to say no? I have reminded her for the past two weeks to not spend anything as she will need it for food/drink for her concert. I am on disability and she knew my money went in today. I suspect this is why she decided she could spend her money and dear dad would pick up the slack. However she already owes me £120 which she has told me will take her months to pay back.

I feel guilty for saying no, but she doesn't help out at home, she doesn't pay rent etx. She only pays her phone bill. She has had the job for over a year, she isn't new to having money and she used to be very smart with it. I pay for her dog, I pay for her subscriptions and I buy all of her health care products (she costs me around £300 a month on products/perfumes/make up)

So AIBU to say not give her more money?

When I leant her the £120 I made it clear that I wouldn't give her more until that was paid back.

YANBU, do not give her any more money.

Also, £300 a month on beauty products is insane. She is asking you to buy her expensive premium products that she does not need. Give her an allowance of £100 a month (which is more than generous) and she can buy her own stuff from that.

For context, I buy a new moisturiser, shampoo, conditioner and shower gel around every 2 months and new makeup (foundation, mascara, couple of other bits and bobs) every 3-6 months or so. It probably works out at no more than £300 a year.
I am low maintenance, but £100 a month would be MORE than generous even for somebody really into makeup, and £300 is insane.

God she is spoilt rotten!.£800 on wages, £300 on (essential! ) make up. That’s £1100 a month and she’s still skint!

she definitely doesn’t not know how to budget.

you’re right she is a princess!

No, make up is not essential. And even if it was, I probably spend an average of £100 a month on skincare / makeup and I buy expensive brands (because my household income is £150k+). It doesn’t run out every month, I probably buy make up once or twice a year.

And two A levels isn’t impressive, and is unlikely to be sufficient for an academic career of a professor…

Absolutely NO way does lip care, moisturiser, wash stuff, toothpaste or "girl supplies" cost £300 EVERY month. Makeup can be little more expensive but you don't need to buy it every month. She's taking you for a fool, and I'm suprised you can afford it on a disability allowance.

She needs to buy cheaper moisturiser etx

Ans they do not run out after a month

I would want to see an itemes receipt or the stuff she buys

Do uou give her the £300 to buy what she likes ?

She's taking you for a complete ride - £300 is a ludicrous sum to spend each month and no way is this essentials. Luxury products and branded goods should be paid for by herself or for Xmas/birthday. £50 a month would be generous IMO and then add sanitary products, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel & deodorant to the family shop. You can buy in bulk and shop around for deals which I can guarantee she's not at that price!

And to answer your original question, no, I would not be subbing her - she needs to learn to budget or go without.

Honestly OP, £300/month on that stuff genuinely is an insane budget and I really wonder what on earth she is buying with this! I love beauty stuff too and have expensive tastes, but I don’t spend anything close to that. And I’d generally expect a teenager to accept that she can’t afford top tier brand names. But even if she is buying top tier stuff it’s still a lot.

Make up isn’t essential at all (surely you know that nobody ever died through lack of make up…) but I understand it’s important to a teenage girl. It definitely doesn’t run out every week though! And even fancy brands should be much more affordable than what you’re saying. For example I buy a Chanel CC cream every summer, it’s £50 but lasts the whole summer. I use Aveda hair products, probably works out about £60 for shampoo and conditioner but it lasts for months. I’m currently wanting the new Hourglass palette, it’s nearly £90 and I know lots of women who have it on their Christmas list as their main gift. Your daughter can apparently afford 3 of this sort of thing every month and have money left to spare, that’s mad!

You could easily cut this budget to £100/month which would be more than generous, and she would still be able to afford these sort of top tier beauty products, she’d just have to prioritise which item she feels is most important to get this month.

@NolongerMom
Do you realise that most women don’t spend £300 a month on the essential “stuff for women”
Toiletries and make up and the rest of it can be bought on almost any budget. She will just have to learn she can’t afford the high end stuff anymore and slash her budget down to the £50 most people probably spend.

And just FYI, my dad is a millionaire. I wasn’t raised the way you raised your kid, because he knew that unless I be made successful then I would not be able to afford that lifestyle without handouts. He did his bit for me, bought me my house and does loads but he wanted me to understand money and how hard it is to earn and how to budget so I wasn’t raised a little Princess. You need to fix the damage you’ve done and teach her.

£300 a month on products !!!

I don't spend that in a year or more

What kind of products ?

To give you an idea OP, you could go to superdrug or boots and get the following products for about this amount:

Lip care:
Chapstick £3
Nice lipstick £15

Hair care:
shampoo £5
conditioner £5
Hair styling products £20

Hygeine:
Toothpaste : £4
Shower gel £2
Mouthwash £5
Deodorant £3

Skincare:
Cleanser £5
moisturiser £5
night cream £5
nice face masks / exfoliator £10
body lotion £3

Beauty:
Nice Nail varnish £8
Nail cream £5
Nice mascara £15
Nice foundation £25
Primer £12
Eye pencil £6
Nice Eyeshadow palette £15
Perfume £20
sponges / brushes £10

= £200 and all of that stuff should last 3-6 months or even longer in some cases (perfume, makeup brushes, eye shadow, lipsticks).

Feminine care products are £3-5 a pack and she will probably need around 1-2 packs a month, so chuck in some painkillers and call it another £15 for them.

I would be interested to know if she actually owns and uses a lot of different makeup and you yourself have seen it.

It wouldn't surprise me if what is really happening is she is spending 300 quid a month on something else and when you ask her she says 'makeup' because she knows it's a 'lady's issue' and as a man you probably won't ask any more questions.

Again, £300 a month is ridiculous on 'girl stuff'

Why ask advice if you're just going to argue? And tbh I'm pretty p'd off that your benefits for your disability are paying for the frivolities of this entitled young woman. Some working families can't afford food.

Drip feed. You didn't mention this before.

She earns £600/800 plus you give her £300 on toiletries, get a grip!!

I can tell you as the parent of a 19 year old, who saw me as an atm you need to stop bailing her out.
Mine went tru money at a ridiculous rate and constantly asked for help.
I said no and stuck to it as they owe me 1500 (my own fault), getting blood from a stone would be easier than getting the money back.
A piece of advice would be to watch your purse whenever she’s home and be aware she probably borrowed from friends and had to pay them back, so has no money. Shes stuck in a vicious cycle.
it’s a long road but you are enabling her rather than help her.

Fucking hell why are you paying all her subscriptions/beauty shit? If she's a spoiled brat, its because you are making her one.

I would stop spending £300 a month on perfume and toiletries.

Any teenager that had a parent buying them hundreds of pounds of perfume, make-up and expensive toiletries of course is likely to not bother about budgeting.

perhaps now is the time to say - Iprovide your food, accommodation, heating, energy costs, toothpaste and soap to wash hands with. Anything else you want you now pay for yourself.

then, she may learn the value of money. Otherwise, a lifetime of being in debt, and using credit cards one cannot afford is a high risk.

£300 a month on products/perfume/makeup is utterly ridiculous of you both.

I'm afraid I don't believe it.

Oh she's played you big time. Did she tell you that 'essential' make up lasts a week?!

I believe it. It's not unusual for kids who live at home to spend that much. The part I don't believe is that he thinks it's normal for women to need to spend so much.

This is a parent who doesn't want to take responsibility for lazy parenting and the many bad things that are going to happen in his daughter's life because of it (broken relationships and friendships when people decide they don't want to be taken advantage of, an inability to save for a house, retirement, etc).

is make up not an essential? Women wear it everyday. Therefore it runs out every week.

How much is she using that she runs out weekly?? That sounds excessive.

Lip care? What on earth is this? I have a pot of lip balm that costs a couple of quid

This must be a wind up....no she doesn't know how to budget in the slightest, not even a tint bit 😅

£300 a month on products 😂
Am English Professor with two A levels 😂

My teen DDs spend 300€ a year on face products and makeup. Aged 18, 18, & 19.

They get €70/month and have to buy all clothes, presents, makeup and wants with that. I pay phone, travel and family subscriptions to Netflix & Spotify.

She will never have as much money as she has now. £300+ on shit you don't need is huge.