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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rekindle after being ghosted

103 replies

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:23

Name changed but long-time user, posting here for opinions and other perspectives.

Months and months ago I was suddenly ghosted by someone I was very fond of and very close to. I was utterly gutted. No explanation, they just disappeared and any message/call etc. was blocked or never delivered or went to voicemail....you get the picture.

I spent weeks wondering if I'd done something wrong, or upset the other person without realising, or whether they were ill or had a tragic accident (!) - all sorts of things until I realised they'd just walked away. Sobbed my heart out, recovered after a while but still wonder why. However, I have subsequently picked myself up, got a new job, moved to another area of the country and moved on. Can't say I actually got over them though.

Suddenly, out of the blue, they have been in touch. They want a conversation, and to pick up where we left off.....
I am still so fond of them, but unsure... AIBU to rekindle our relationship? Or am I setting myself up for more heartache? What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
BumBurnerBum · 13/10/2023 23:27

Be wary

clpsmum · 13/10/2023 23:30

Yea you are setting yourself up for more heartache. Block them

Original poster
SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:30

I suppose I want to know what happened and why....but I guess it's normal to feel that way?

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 13/10/2023 23:46

I'd stay away. It's not worth the hassle. If you like someone, you don't treat them so badly and ghost them. Dont undo all your hard work of moving on. What have they said?

Universalsnail · 13/10/2023 23:49

Be very very wary.

I did this last year. An old friend who was very important to me who had ghosted me many years before. I was devastated about he ghosting. Friend reassured me that they had worked on the problem in therapy and wouldn't ever do that again. I was very cautious at first but slowly began trusting them more. For a year it was just like how it was and I was so happy to have my friend back. They reassured me they wouldn't go again. Well they went again and I'm just as upset as the first time, but with adding hurt over how they rebuilt my trust.

Poor fool me I guess. But I will never make that mistake again.

divinededacende · 13/10/2023 23:50

Be open to a conversation. They may have made some poor choices because of things going on for them that you didn't know about.

You deserve an explanation and at least some acknowledgement of your feelings though. And you need to go in fully ready to walk away if the reasons aren't good. If you're not confident you can do that, you're taking a massive risk with your feelings and shoukd probably avoid.

LightSpeeds · 13/10/2023 23:56

String him along for a (short) while then do the same.

Preferably, invite him up to stay and give them a false address (I hope it's a very long journey) then block them when they arrive...

There seems to be an awful lot of this ghosting about and then 're-connecting' when it suits them. He clearly doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and a dose of his own medicine might make him a bit more aware!

Cheeky fucker 😠

LightSpeeds · 13/10/2023 23:58

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:30

I suppose I want to know what happened and why....but I guess it's normal to feel that way?

He was almost certainly seeing someone else and she's now ditched him!

Original poster
SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 14/10/2023 00:02

Interesting to hear the experiences of those who've gone back....but sad to hear it happens all over again.

But I do feel I'd like to hear an explanation, and I'd like to think if it was just poor choices on their part, I'd at least listen. But yes, the thought that something else (someone else?) was happening at the time and now it's over has of course crossed my mind too.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 14/10/2023 00:07

God no.
Work on your self respect.

Lampan · 14/10/2023 00:12

Any ‘explanation’ he gives you will be bullshit. He has no respect for you so you can’t expect an honest reason. No good can come if this.
Ignore, or if you must reply, tell him “I kind of moved on when I didn’t hear from you” - it’s nicely vague and shows he only has himself to blame for the situation

Cumbrianlife · 14/10/2023 00:16

You weren't worth a single line of text to set you straight, remember that. He could have even told you to fuck off, blocked you and it would still have been better than what he did. He left you wondering if he was dead.
Why bother with his explanation? It's there purely to get him back into your good books. I doubt it'll be the truth. Make your own up, it's as likely a scenario as any he'll come up with.
I'd be angry he had the nerve to creep out from the bridge he's been hiding under.

HRTQueen · 14/10/2023 00:33

be kinder to yourself

The explanation is that they didn’t think you were worthy of an explanation

Dont go there you won’t truly believe them and will cause yourself more heartache

in time you will wonder less and the pain and curiosity will ease

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 00:40

You'll only get a story or a lie not closure.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 00:43

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:30

I suppose I want to know what happened and why....but I guess it's normal to feel that way?

So he hasn't even bothered to explain why he did it?

Don't get sucked in again, he'll have you down as a soft touch who'll accept any bad behaviour he fancy's meting out.

cocksstrideintheevening · 14/10/2023 00:46

No, have some self respect

smilesup · 14/10/2023 00:48

He got another offer. Went off shagging. Didn't respect you enough to even say goodbye.
New shag didn't work out. Came back probably as thinks you have such low esteem you will say yes.
Don't prove him right.

Fionaville · 14/10/2023 00:49

Don't do it. They didn't give you one bit of respect when they did that to you. They didn't care that you'd be worried or upset. It was cruel and heartless. Not the actions of somebody you should reconnect with. Run a mile!

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 00:49
  1. Be direct, Ask him why he ghost you 2) let him know how it made you feel, 3) see what he has to say. 4) get the closure you need. 5) block him for ever and throw this one back into the river. He’s probably bored, lonely and looking for some new “supply”. He may not even be interested in getting back to you but just wants an ego boost by confirming you’re still game.

He has no empathy and no shame for getting back to you without a solid explanation and some deep apologies. This is not someone you want to pursue because you’re in for more heartache. I don’t even think you like this guy much, it’s just that you never got the deserved closure which left you wondering and trauma bonded to him. He’s not a nice guy, you want a nice guy.

Sorchamarie · 14/10/2023 00:53

"Any ‘explanation’ he gives you will be bullshit. He has no respect for you so you can’t expect an honest reason. No good can come of this."

This. Sorry OP. Ghosting is an awful thing to do to someone. The fact that the person in question didn't start the conversation again with profuse apologies and an explanation for why they disappeared, because they're aware of what a shitty thing it was to do and feel bad for any pain they've caused you, says all you need to know. There is not going to be any explanation that will make you feel better about this situation. Unless it is one of pure lies, because if there was any possible, reasonable reason, they would have already stated it upfront.

2021x · 14/10/2023 01:10

Been there with a range of relationships. Heard a lot of explanations, but in the end its always the same, your feelings and needs were not considered important enough to be treated with respect. This is also something that holds true if there were mental health factors involved in that case, the only contact should be an apology and assurance it wasn't you.

One thing I can assure you is ghosting is about them not being able to/want deal with difficult emotions or conversations. It is not about you or anything you did. If you were someone who was bad for them, they wouldn't be back. The people that I have ghosted were people they made me feel uncomfortable, I have never attempted any contact back with them.

You owe this person no more of your time, energy or thoughts. I can guarantee any explanation will be disapointing and unsatisfactory.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/10/2023 01:10

If you do decide to give this person another chance then you need a massive apology from them, a proper explanation & a guarantee that they won't do it again (disappearing without no explanation)

I do sometimes believe in second chances but only a second chance no third or fourth etc chances.
If it was me in your situation & that person did all of the above (apology etc) then I would give them a second chance depending on what the answers were & as long as they were truly sorry.
But I'm not you & only you can decide.

Would you be happier telling them to get lost & not bother you again or would you in future regret not giving them a second chance & always wonder?
I suppose it also depends on how much you feel for them, whether your fondness is greater than your disgust for them?
Do your values align & do you both want your relationship to be long term & settle down & have a future together?
If neither of you are on the same page after you get your apology & explanation then just walk away.

Time40 · 14/10/2023 01:19

God no. Why would you even give someone the time of day when he's done something so rude and cruel? Tell him to go to hell.

Mydogmybestfriend · 14/10/2023 01:26

Absolutely not do not go back to this person

Luxurybeliefspreader · 14/10/2023 02:11

Agree with all the OP but also from your post it seems like he has got back in touch without giving you any explanation

That you are going to have to mention the elephant in the room and ask him which frankly makes this even worse not only were you not worthy of common and very basic courtesy at the time but now he's bored , scrolling through old chats and seeing who will take his bait you still are not worthy of his basic respect to immediately start the conversation with a profuse apology and explanation.

There's zero explanation for ghosting other than he didn't give a fuck , he will tell you he was really struggling with his MH, was going through some really bad stress at work/ a family member ill blah blah blah

Block and continue with your dignity intact