To rekindle after being ghosted

[SoWhatHappenedThereThen]

Name changed but long-time user, posting here for opinions and other perspectives.

Months and months ago I was suddenly ghosted by someone I was very fond of and very close to. I was utterly gutted. No explanation, they just disappeared and any message/call etc. was blocked or never delivered or went to voicemail....you get the picture.

I spent weeks wondering if I'd done something wrong, or upset the other person without realising, or whether they were ill or had a tragic accident (!) - all sorts of things until I realised they'd just walked away. Sobbed my heart out, recovered after a while but still wonder why. However, I have subsequently picked myself up, got a new job, moved to another area of the country and moved on. Can't say I actually got over them though.

Suddenly, out of the blue, they have been in touch. They want a conversation, and to pick up where we left off.....
I am still so fond of them, but unsure... AIBU to rekindle our relationship? Or am I setting myself up for more heartache? What would you do in my position?

You dont need to know why, with respect thats your ego talking.
I had this beginning of the year, he went away for few weeks and didnt text once (i have always chased but ive changed and let anyone im dating know that initially i don't make dates because ive planned everything for previous relationships and i need a break from 'planning'...after a while we take planning dates in return.). I digress... he never text whilst away contacted me..i havent the time for it..i blocked him. Lifes too short, and so is yours. I wouldn't date him again if he came back.

Unless he was somewhere that he simply could not have contacted you (jail, involuntary mental hold, kidnapped…) then he lacks any respect for you, your time or your feelings. I’d tell him where to get off.

Absolutely no way. You can be kind and try to understand and empathise and make justifications for their conduct, but ultimately you’re dealing with a person who treated you poorly without any thought for your feelings. They hid rather than talking or explaining. By all means find out what the issue was if you’re curious - nobody can blame you - but don’t get entangled with someone who hurts you like this.

Absolutely not. It shows a real cowardice and lack of respect for your thoughts and feelings. We all get to a stage in some relationships where we just want out, it takes nothing to drop a quick text or have a conversation with the other person to say it's not working for you. It's the nice and respectable way to finish a relationship. Ghosting is cruel and hurtful. Is block him now and move on.

They didn’t really like you that much so ghosted you. Or maybe they found someone they consider better.

Now they’ve got back in touch- probably they just want a shag / attention. Or the other thing hasn’t worked out.

Stop being so gullible and find someone who actually likes you.

I would agree to a meeting just to find out why they ghosted me in the first place. Then I would ghost them.

"letting them explain" is letting them off the hook and lets them pretend they aren't a shitty person.

Do not do this.

At best/worst message and say you've thought about it and given how awfully they behaved you want nothing to do with them and then should not contact you again as you have no interest in maintaining contact with someone with such little integrity

It’s funny how people like this seem to pop back up once you are over it, stronger, happier and enjoying life without them.

Definitely do not pick up where you left off. It will only end in heartbreak.

But I actually would engage in conversation but in a very guarded way. Be very blunt yet surprised to hear from them. Unlike others I would actually want to find out what happened, but do not forgive them at all. Get your answers and then move on.

Think for a moment what a good reason for ghosting you would look like?

Mental health issues - nope he could still have contacted you m, even a simple text would have sufficed

Death in the family - as above

Accident - as above

Phone broke - he knows we're you live

Arrested and went to prison - he could have written to you

Alien abduction - good reason

Death - Yep I'd understand that

Amnesia - ok good excuse

The other relationship didn't work out so he's back trying his luck with you? Don't be a mug

If you go back, they’ll know you have no self respect and they can continue to treat you like shit, which they will do.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's another world of pain waiting for you.

This is likely exactly it. Come on, don’t be sloppy seconds.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Unless he's spent the intervening time doing deep psychological work on himself to try to understand why he'd treat you like that, he'll just do it again.

Also, if you entertain it now, he'll know he can get away with it.

I think the only thing you can do is fuck him off. Otherwise you could waste the next few years doing this dance with him.

"Poor choices" - is that the new way of saying "treated me like shit"?

Whatever he says won't be the truth, because he'll tell you what will make you take him back.

Absolutely no way is he going to say "I met someI preferred so just dropped you, without even being decent enough to send as much as a text breaking up with you".

You will never know the truth even if you do resume relations. I think you should just assume someone of more interest for him came along and he just dropped you.

He will do it again. And with zero conscience.

Please resist. Don't let hurt back into your life.

Christ, yes. "Poor choices" make him sound like a four year old who's stolen someone else's biscuit. Have some respect for yourself, ffs! 🤦‍♀️

Well, if anyone's interested, there's an update.
I didn't ask for an apology, but unprovoked, I did receive one. A proper one....that much I think was genuine.
It would appear illness and mental health issues are the problem; given the circumstances, probably also true. I don't think I would want to 'ghost' back (as some have suggested) as that makes me just as bad....it's not nice and I don't want to sink to trading nastiness.

But a promised call and conversation never came. I think I sort of expected it really. I admit you are all correct....someone who does it once will just do it again.
I guess what I have learned is that when someone shows their true self, believe them....the first time round!

I'm sorry to hear that, but narcissists are always the "victims", they will use illness to make you feel sorry for them in order to hoover you. You're an empathic person and they're aware you will fall hook, line and sinker. Yes, always believe them the first time around. make sure you block this guy so he doesn't attempt another hoover. You sound like a good person who doesn't want to trade nastiness but you're dealing with a nasty here. What a looser this guy ghosting people and then attempting to see how much control they still have over you only to ghost you again. Some people have very sad lives.

No, no, no, no, no!!!

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Read 'Ghosts' by Dolly Alderton.

I don't think I would want to 'ghost' back (as some have suggested) as that makes me just as bad....it's not nice and I don't want to sink to trading nastiness.

Of course it doesn't make you as bad! Once someone has hurt and disrespected you, they don't deserve a thing from you any more. They've shown you who they are.

Have you blocked him yet?

Whatever the reason, a little text would have been very easy.

He was cruel to you. Whatever the excuse or reason. He didn't have to be but he chose to be.

He doesn't deserve any more of you.

thats understandable, if it was me id open lines of communications and take it one day at a time

This !