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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rekindle after being ghosted

103 replies

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:23

Name changed but long-time user, posting here for opinions and other perspectives.

Months and months ago I was suddenly ghosted by someone I was very fond of and very close to. I was utterly gutted. No explanation, they just disappeared and any message/call etc. was blocked or never delivered or went to voicemail....you get the picture.

I spent weeks wondering if I'd done something wrong, or upset the other person without realising, or whether they were ill or had a tragic accident (!) - all sorts of things until I realised they'd just walked away. Sobbed my heart out, recovered after a while but still wonder why. However, I have subsequently picked myself up, got a new job, moved to another area of the country and moved on. Can't say I actually got over them though.

Suddenly, out of the blue, they have been in touch. They want a conversation, and to pick up where we left off.....
I am still so fond of them, but unsure... AIBU to rekindle our relationship? Or am I setting myself up for more heartache? What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Followtheyellowbrickroad1 · 16/10/2023 00:28

Isn’t this why they ghost . See something “better “ live on no explanation then they can crawl back when it doesn’t work out .

Blinkertink · 16/10/2023 13:39

I'd give a second chance but only because I've had this happen once with a romantic interest and once with a friend. Both had either family bereavement or a mental health problem beforehand. I ended up marrying the romantic interest, the friend is still in my life too. Not everything is black and white.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 16/10/2023 14:00

For God's sake don't do this. Getting back with someone when they've previously dumped you = fine, depending on the reason and whether things have changed. Getting back with someone who discarded you without a word, that silently binned you like a worn out tube of toothpaste, who doesn't even respect you enough to tell you in actual words that he no longer wishes to see you any more - a thousand times no. And he WILL do it again. He will string you along for a bit and then he will ghost you again. And this time you will feel REALLY stupid because you knew (or should have known) it was coming. A random girl on the internet even told you

quickqpls · 16/10/2023 14:17

This is called 'getting zombied' - not ghosted. Not that it's important.
I'd probably listen for a very good excuse and see if you can balance it with the level of disrespect (don't think you will though). Sorry you went through it.

Oldthyme · 16/10/2023 14:21

Circumferences · 14/10/2023 00:07

God no.
Work on your self respect.

This.
I suppose you could video link (WhatsApp) to see what he has to say but you’ve been burnt once, don’t go there again.

Carmargo · 16/10/2023 14:35

I once took someone back who did this. Ironically they were much nicer than before but I knew I'd never forgive them and one day I just dropped them not out of revenge but sheer boredom- Mr I'm - such- a - stud had turned into the human equivalent of marshmallow.

I could have been nicer about not contacting him any more and blocking him but, while not actively wanting to hurt him, I was not going to discomfort or inconvenience myself in any way for him so I just blocked him.

Guilt free and without conscience.

DavidSnow007 · 16/10/2023 15:09

This just sounds like a potential "booty call" please don't rekindle.

LightSpeeds · 16/10/2023 15:19

quickqpls · 16/10/2023 14:17

This is called 'getting zombied' - not ghosted. Not that it's important.
I'd probably listen for a very good excuse and see if you can balance it with the level of disrespect (don't think you will though). Sorry you went through it.

What's the difference between getting ghosted and getting zombied?

LadyShimura · 16/10/2023 15:36

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

They cut you off without a backward glance once, why think they wouldnt do it again. And when you might feel more invested.

lifeofsty · 16/10/2023 16:08

Why? He met someone else, who he considered better.

Why now? They dumped him.

Tambatamba · 16/10/2023 16:58

What's the difference between getting ghosted and getting zombied?

The person rises from the metaphorical dead to try and patch things up.

Poppysmom22 · 16/10/2023 17:04

I had this a friend who I had known for over 10 years just disappeared total no response to any contact. Eventually I accepted the friendship was over then about a year ago she rang me I was overjoyed initially then she got to the point she had had some cowboy builders in and wanted my hubby to sort it for her, at mates rates of course. I politely told her he was busy at the moment but might be able to fit her in in a couple of months, I haven't heard from her since.

Tambatamba · 16/10/2023 17:12

Poppysmom22 · 16/10/2023 17:04

I had this a friend who I had known for over 10 years just disappeared total no response to any contact. Eventually I accepted the friendship was over then about a year ago she rang me I was overjoyed initially then she got to the point she had had some cowboy builders in and wanted my hubby to sort it for her, at mates rates of course. I politely told her he was busy at the moment but might be able to fit her in in a couple of months, I haven't heard from her since.

God people are such shameless users!

beatrix1234 · 16/10/2023 17:36

Tambatamba · 16/10/2023 16:58

What's the difference between getting ghosted and getting zombied?

The person rises from the metaphorical dead to try and patch things up.

Love that 💕

Vocaladvocaat · 16/10/2023 18:28

People tend to tell people to ghost for almost anything these days whereas it used to be friends for life. I’ve ghosted one person recently for ditching me with no explanation the day before a big gig I had tickets for and for endangering my life. It was a bad time anyway, which they knew, and it felt like they were really adding to it. Still like them and sometimes question if I was right to ghost but here we are.

If you befriend them again, ask them why. Discuss what lead to it and how to prevent it.

Very often we are so busy being positive and polite and we don’t feel like we can give the real explanation. A friend who ghosted me did give a two word explanation of sorts which did give closure.

GilberMarkham · 16/10/2023 18:41

What do you wanna bet he'll do it again sooner or later.

People with decent integrity and comm skills don't ghost .. they don't usually magically grow those qualities.

Do you know that some men have actually gone on record and said that they thought if they ended things properly/fully with a woman , they thought couldn't go back/get the opportunity to go back with her ....but if they ghosted, they could. Because they hadn't cut things off totally as it were. Bizarre and (for any partner with self respect) counter productive; but apparently that's how some men think.

GilberMarkham · 16/10/2023 18:44

I think theres a chapter of "He's just not that into you" dedicated to this

Tambatamba · 16/10/2023 19:22

GilberMarkham · 16/10/2023 18:44

I think theres a chapter of "He's just not that into you" dedicated to this

Yeah, I think it says 'busy is another word for arsehole, who is the man you're dating'

That book is good because it's about raising your standards.

GloomyWeek44 · 03/12/2023 14:18

I was ghosted recently , for my peace of mind I at the time gave them a massive piece of my mind. That they had shut me off with no explanation, maybe they met someone, changed their mind, had something going on etc. but to not communicate something was so massively disrespectful I didn't even know what to say, and that I felt like it was them, and just what they did.

That was about 6-8 weeks ago
Just had a message from them to say I was amazing to them, they had work/family illness, got depressed and hid away and feel ashamed they walked away. They didn't think I would believe them, hope I am well, miss me, hope I am happy etc.

The problem is the trust really - would they do it again when stressed.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/12/2023 14:22

Really sorry - no time to RTFT. But I rekindled not once but twice with a boyfriend who ghosted me. Each time he was such a gentleman and I was desperate to be with him, thought the sun shone out of him, etc. He wrote me love letters and love poetry, said he wanted to marry me and I ate it up.

It didn’t work. He left me as I later found out for other women in three occasions. He let me pay for a trip abroad having told my friend he’d fallen in love with someone else.

I am very trusting and naive and didn’t want to believe anything bad about him, but I wish I had cut him loose the first time. It would have been difficult as hell but not the same hell that came from his third ghosting.

GloomyWeek44 · 03/12/2023 14:23

He also texted at 1am.

samestyle · 03/12/2023 14:34

Gloomy just ignore him, you are right you can't trust someone that's ghosted out of the blue not to do it again. Most certainly be the reason that he's been seeing someone else, it's not worked out and feeling sorry for himself and reaching out to you as a ego boost, don't give in.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 03/12/2023 14:42

Nope. No one is allowed put me on the subs bench and then coming looking for me when the first 11 disappoint them.

I'm a choice, not an option. Someone chooses to be with me or not. They don't have the option of returning when they are bored/horny.

Why do you let people treat you like this?

muchalover · 03/12/2023 14:43

When you're agreeing to meet consider from each perspective what you're agreeing to. For you it might be to check in that they are ok, with the anticipation that they will explain their actions and you will have closure or reconnect.

For them.... Who knows. But they have shown you clearly that they don't have good adult skills and are unable to consider the impact of their choices on others with no regard for distress caused. They also believe a meeting can wipe that slate clean and you might be thought unreasonable if you disagree.

Startingagainandagain · 03/12/2023 14:46

I would not reply.

My supposedly best friend of 14 years just stopped communicating with me out of the blue last year.

Like you I was really curious to know what had happened and I thought I had done something wrong.

A few months later I emailed her because I wanted to know.

Basically she had been busy selling her flat and then moving to a completely different location.

For whatever reason she never even bothered to let me know what was happening and say goodbye before leaving town which I thought was really appalling after a close friendship of 14 years. We exchanged about two emails (she never explained why she had suddenly cut contact) and she then just disappeared again.

Some people are just not worth your time and energy. In the case of my so called friend I assume I was no longer useful now that she was moving away...

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