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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rekindle after being ghosted

103 replies

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 13/10/2023 23:23

Name changed but long-time user, posting here for opinions and other perspectives.

Months and months ago I was suddenly ghosted by someone I was very fond of and very close to. I was utterly gutted. No explanation, they just disappeared and any message/call etc. was blocked or never delivered or went to voicemail....you get the picture.

I spent weeks wondering if I'd done something wrong, or upset the other person without realising, or whether they were ill or had a tragic accident (!) - all sorts of things until I realised they'd just walked away. Sobbed my heart out, recovered after a while but still wonder why. However, I have subsequently picked myself up, got a new job, moved to another area of the country and moved on. Can't say I actually got over them though.

Suddenly, out of the blue, they have been in touch. They want a conversation, and to pick up where we left off.....
I am still so fond of them, but unsure... AIBU to rekindle our relationship? Or am I setting myself up for more heartache? What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 14/10/2023 02:36

Good grief no. Drag you self esteem out of the gutter and block this arsehole.

He's hard up for a shag and hopes you're up for it. He's likely contacted every woman in his phone hoping someone will bite

This truly isn't the only man on this planet.

I'll put it back on you.

What reason would you have to ghost and block someone?

OnAir · 14/10/2023 03:41

Id arrange something then ghost then myself.

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 03:46

No, someone who ghosts you is not a good person. They don’t deserve your time or attention. Block and move on. He’ll have ghosted you because he met someone he wanted to shag more. That person has dumped him and you’re his back up girl.

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 05:17

Nah fuck that

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/10/2023 05:27

Yabu.

No one I know who ever did this end ended the story with "and now we're married/ she's my best friend and godmother to my child."

Do not do this. Don't be wary. Just do not do this.

I had this happen with a female friend and was encouraged to open the door because #bekind #mentalhealth. I was given no explanation by her and surprise surprise I was dropped like a stone again.
I'm sure it probably was not about me and was more about her / her issue. But I was caught in the crossfire twice. The second time was my fault and I shouldn't have replied and agreed to meet - it really did hurt /upset me.

BettyPhuckzer · 14/10/2023 05:38

This person has shown you who they are

If you go back to them, they WILL ghost you again

Today you have knowledge and can make an informed choice

JMSA · 14/10/2023 07:07

No, no, no, no, NO.
Just no.
Do NOT engage with this man and his headfuckery nonsense.

FannyBawz · 14/10/2023 07:09

Fuck no.

Inauthentic · 14/10/2023 07:31

In my experience people like him don't change.
It's a non excusable behaviour in my books.

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2023 07:34

There is nothing to be gained from allowing this person back in your life. Just block them.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 14/10/2023 07:34

This is a romantic interest not a friend right? Don't do it. They ghosted you because they were pursuing someone else. Do you want to keep your self respect? If so, ignore.

LadyWithLapdog · 14/10/2023 07:41

There was a post a few good months ago about a woman doing this to someone.

I’d be curious to see them squirm, but also lose any respect seeing them lie. Overall, not much to be gained.

Universalsnail · 14/10/2023 07:43

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 14/10/2023 00:02

Interesting to hear the experiences of those who've gone back....but sad to hear it happens all over again.

But I do feel I'd like to hear an explanation, and I'd like to think if it was just poor choices on their part, I'd at least listen. But yes, the thought that something else (someone else?) was happening at the time and now it's over has of course crossed my mind too.

You could meet to have that conversation and then just say that you enjoyed catching up and getting closure but you don't wish for a continued friendship. That is what I wish I had done.

DilemmaDelilah · 14/10/2023 07:47

I would listen to the explanation and then make up my mind. I would be very aware that the explanation may not be true, but I do believe in giving people second chamces, if I think they deserve them.

Namechangedforspooky · 14/10/2023 07:48

A very old friend of mine did this to me. Out of the blue mid conversation. Like pps I was worried initially that something bad had happened to her or that I’d unknowingly offended her in some way. Around 6 years later she came back, just breezed back in with no explanation or apology. I was so pleased to have her back like old times.

Then it happened again. Another 6 years went by and she came back again, still no explanation or apology. I was much more wary this time but things seemed ok. Gradually though I realised it was all about her needing emotional support, in fact the whole friendship was based on neediness. I was going through a few really awful things at the time such as a friend dying and still she wanted support without much in return. It took me 18 months of thinking about it to eventually send her a note saying I thought we’d be better off not keeping in contact but wishing her well for the future.

I still feel bad about it but needed to do it for my sanity as her messages were draining me so much in the end. I strongly suspect the absences were caused by mental health problems looking back but I’m not sure why she offered me no explanation when she was well. I’m still uncomfortable with what happened years later despite having a lot of very good friends who don’t treat me like that.

I think I’m saying don’t go back. It is unlikely to end well

KeepForgetting · 14/10/2023 07:49

It will definitely happen again.

LynetteScavo · 14/10/2023 07:51

I'd want to hear his/her sorry explanation.

I'd then ghost them completely.

neverbeenskiing · 14/10/2023 07:51

This person has so little regard for you that they let you worry they were ill or had a tragic accident rather than send you a quick text. Either they cared so little they simply didn't think about how you would feel at all, or they knew full well how upset you'd be but they were too cowardly to face you. Why would you risk letting someone like that back into your life? I understand wanting an explanation, but this person has proven themselves to be unreliable. Any explanation they give is highly likely to be pure fiction.

As a pp has said, I would put money on them having met someone else. Now that person has dumped them they think they can pick up where they left off with you. Don't do it, will definitely end in more tears.

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/10/2023 07:52

Nah. You’re not their puppet. They don’t get to drop you then pick you up again when they want. Be unavailable!

letspopthekettleon · 14/10/2023 07:53

I'd want to at least hear them out and understand why, for my own sanity

RovingMars · 14/10/2023 07:55

I ghosted someone who was very bad for my mental health. I now twist myself into knots to avoid all future contact with them. That’s because I know any new relationship with them won’t be any different and I would just end up ghosting them again.

Ghosting isn’t kind behaviour. In my case I did it because I had reached the point of “I just can’t, I just can’t even communicate with this person any more”.

I know it’s not kind behaviour and that’s why I work hard to avoid renewing contact and putting them through it again.

Your relationship with the ghoster may be completely different. It could be their grandma died and they just shut everyone out for a period. But be very wary.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/10/2023 07:57

Don't do it.

If it were just a casual friend, one of many, and you were more curious what was going on with them than hurt by their disappearance, then I would say no harm in catching up with them. Even then I would be 99% sure they would disappear again, but it wouldn't greatly matter.

In your case you were very badly affected and you don't need to go through it again, so I think your need for an explanation (and you would not get an honest one anyway) is less important than protecting your wellbeing.

Hiddenvoice · 14/10/2023 07:59

I have been In a very similar situation. I was ghosted out of the blue and blocked everywhere. We were very close before it all and hadn’t argued etc. We had even seen each other a week before it so I was surprised and very upset.
Out of the blue, he unblocked me and started messaging again. He was friendly and apologised but I had to chase an explanation. Looking back now, I didn’t get a real explanation, just a whole load of excuses. We messaged again for a while, I made it clear I didn’t want to meet up with him for a while because I was hurt and needed time. He was very respectful of this and went at my pace. We then agreed a date but he changed the plans to have a more quiet night. We had sex, he messaged the day later but then the following day he messaged to say it wasn’t going to work out, that he didn’t feel the same etc and I was blocked before I could even reply.

I felt so incredibly stupid and naive but it had been several months of us talking again for the second time so I genuinely thought he’d changed.

Every now and then he unlocks and sends a ‘Hey x’ and I read it so he can see I’ve just ignored him.

It’s up to you what happens next. You could chase for an explanation and never get it but do you trust he’s changed? Can he be honest with you?

TheresaOfAvila · 14/10/2023 08:00

SoWhatHappenedThereThen · 14/10/2023 00:02

Interesting to hear the experiences of those who've gone back....but sad to hear it happens all over again.

But I do feel I'd like to hear an explanation, and I'd like to think if it was just poor choices on their part, I'd at least listen. But yes, the thought that something else (someone else?) was happening at the time and now it's over has of course crossed my mind too.

what could he say that would make it OK for you?

Why would you want any sort of relationship with someone so emotionally incompetent and lazy.

Don’t give more of yourself than you can afford to lose. So I would have a call for my own amusement and to see what guff he comes out with?

Mamma2017 · 14/10/2023 08:01

If you did ever get an “explanation “ it would be a crock of shit anyway, that’s the type of person you are dealing with. Block this toxic person from your life and continue to move on x

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