Page 6 | Not to leave my children with a random babysitter

ManorHall7 · 2023-10-13T16:15:19+00:00

So family evening out suggested a few weeks ago, my DC are 11 and 7. We have very few babysitting options generally. So struggle with eves out. We thought we could DH auntie but she is 75 (has sat for us lots but she can't make it) the date is next week. I explained in chat we might need to pull out DSis says she has a number of a good sitter, I said thank you but no. She's got the hump. I feel uncomfortable leaving my children with someone we have never met or they have met ? Especially with a weeks notice. We disagree on a few things, she left her 6yr, 3 and 2 year old with my neice who is 13 for an evening and i disagreed saying she was to young for 3 that young. For context also we lost DMil early Jan, DH has struggled and we have had a very tough year and so have they. Am I being precious or should I just start doing this sort of thing now ?

bluegreygreen · 14/10/2023 23:48

People have different thresholds for comfort when using babysitters. For mid-late primary school aged children, it seems most people would be comfortable with a recommendation from family (even more so if there was time to meet in advance).

In OP's case, her sister is likely miffed as (a) the reply to her offer was dismissive 'thank you but no' (b) the refusal unless carefully worded implies mistrust of the sister's judgement and (c) the refusal makes clear that OP really doesn't want to attend the family meal.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 14/10/2023 23:57

I used to babysit a lot when I was at uni. The usual scenario was to go and spend some time with the children when the parents were there before sitting with them alone. Then there would generally be a short sit (like the parents going for tea at the local pub) before a “proper” one. All my families were inter-connected via school so if something had cropped up during a sit I could have called one of the other mums. It never did, but that was reassuring for everyone involved. Might that sort of arrangement work going forward, OP?

MarySmit · 15/10/2023 00:04

Could either you or your partner go? And the other stay with the kids.

Definitely, getting a trusted sitter who your children get to know sounds like a good idea for the future. You could even use the recommended one, and book her for a short sit or meet prior to get to know her.

AfterWeights · 15/10/2023 00:10

7 & 11 should be fine with a sitter.

It doesn't have to be a total stranger. Aren't there any neighbours with teens who baby sit, or TAs from school, local nursery/preschool staff?

AfterWeights · 15/10/2023 00:14

Ps. If your DC needs a trusted adult to sit with them to fall asleep at age 11, they are fucked as far as y6 school camp is concerned and will be eaten alive at secondary.

kopitiamgal · 15/10/2023 00:28

bluegreygreen · 14/10/2023 23:48

People have different thresholds for comfort when using babysitters. For mid-late primary school aged children, it seems most people would be comfortable with a recommendation from family (even more so if there was time to meet in advance).

In OP's case, her sister is likely miffed as (a) the reply to her offer was dismissive 'thank you but no' (b) the refusal unless carefully worded implies mistrust of the sister's judgement and (c) the refusal makes clear that OP really doesn't want to attend the family meal.

Or perhaps the rest of the family are getting tired of being used as a free babysitting service, so this is, erm, a gentle hint to start paying for professionals.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 00:49

kopitiamgal · 15/10/2023 00:28

Or perhaps the rest of the family are getting tired of being used as a free babysitting service, so this is, erm, a gentle hint to start paying for professionals.

Show quote history

Particularly when the brunt of it appears to be falling on a 75 year old woman.

crumblingschools · 15/10/2023 01:09

Could they go to sleepovers with friends, and you return the favour another weekend?

nokidshere · 15/10/2023 01:19

My children are not (early 20s now) anxious and never were even as small children. I still would never have left them with someone they (or i) didn't know. Nor would I have left them with a 13yr old. Nor did I leave the oldest to look after his younger brother. With no family around we either went out alone, or as a family, or, on a few occasions, I left them with close friends.

However, I have been on both sides. I have regularly looked after children I've never met. People trust me with their children. People I have babysat for have recommended me to others, who then recommended to still more. I am local, a childminder, older, a parent at school, years of experience so I can understand why they trusted their friends judgement. But I'm always astounded that people leave their children with me without having ever set eyes on me before. I mean, they are getting a good deal, I'm great with children, I know that, but they don't. But it's not something I would have ever done myself.

You just need to be confident in your choices OP. It doesn't matter what other people do or don't do and it's not for you to judge that. The only thing that matters is that you do what you feel comfortable with for your children and it's no one's business but yours how you deal with it.

TwoShades1 · 15/10/2023 01:33

I would never ever leave my child with a babysitter. My child is only looked after my friends/family who I have known for years and see my child regularly. Or in a professional child care setting. Yes this does limit us, but I’m happy to miss out on things over having someone else care for my child.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 01:39

TwoShades1 · 15/10/2023 01:33

I would never ever leave my child with a babysitter. My child is only looked after my friends/family who I have known for years and see my child regularly. Or in a professional child care setting. Yes this does limit us, but I’m happy to miss out on things over having someone else care for my child.

One of op's children is 11 years old. Long past the age for professional childcare settings.

nokidshere · 15/10/2023 01:47

One of op's children is 11 years old. Long past the age for professional childcare settings.

I've been a childminder for many years. I've had children in my home up to the age of 15. They don't need "looking after" but they had anxiety or behavioural issues or just didn't want to be home alone and needed a safe place to hang out after school. They got fed, had someone to talk too, space for homework or just tv slob. Lots of childminders offer this service although as most people assume that secondary children don't need care they don't ask for it.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 01:52

nokidshere · 15/10/2023 01:47

One of op's children is 11 years old. Long past the age for professional childcare settings.

I've been a childminder for many years. I've had children in my home up to the age of 15. They don't need "looking after" but they had anxiety or behavioural issues or just didn't want to be home alone and needed a safe place to hang out after school. They got fed, had someone to talk too, space for homework or just tv slob. Lots of childminders offer this service although as most people assume that secondary children don't need care they don't ask for it.

I doubt op would use your service, though, if she wouldn't use a babysitter in her own home.

arintingly · 15/10/2023 08:04

TwoShades1 · 15/10/2023 01:33

I would never ever leave my child with a babysitter. My child is only looked after my friends/family who I have known for years and see my child regularly. Or in a professional child care setting. Yes this does limit us, but I’m happy to miss out on things over having someone else care for my child.

Each to their own but the babysitters we have used are nursery staff, TAs or teachers. Weird to me that you would happily leave your child with them at a nursery or school but in your home it's a never ever no.

Goldbar · 15/10/2023 08:13

Friends/family are statistically more of a risk than vetted, qualified babysitters. I always wonder why people think only leaving their DC with friends/family makes them safer.

Nokoolaidherethanks · 15/10/2023 08:26

Each to their own but you sound extremely over anxious. My daughter babysits and rarely does anyone want to get to know her first. She is recommended by other local parents and that's enough. Children aged 7 and 11 only need supervision and reminding to brush their teeth anyway, it's not like you're talking about a toddler with attachment issues, personal care needs and a special bedtime routine etc. With kids this age they are very used to interacting with lots of different adults at school. Normally when a new babysitter is introduced they just look up from what they are doing, say hi, and then carry on. You are making a big deal of nothing. And also a 'random ' babysitter is only random the first time, after that they're a known babysitter!

DemBonesDemBones · 16/10/2023 18:24

@ManorHall7 why? Are they very immature?

Original poster

ManorHall7 · 18/10/2023 07:22

AfterWeights · 15/10/2023 00:14

Ps. If your DC needs a trusted adult to sit with them to fall asleep at age 11, they are fucked as far as y6 school camp is concerned and will be eaten alive at secondary.

Thank you my 11 year old was just fine at camp and thriving at secondary. Thanks for your cliche input though

OP posts:

Original poster

ManorHall7 · 18/10/2023 07:23

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 00:49

Particularly when the brunt of it appears to be falling on a 75 year old woman.

Show quote history

No brunt. Parents have occasionally , SIL . However it's probably once every 6 months if that !

OP posts:

Original poster

ManorHall7 · 18/10/2023 07:24

nokidshere · 15/10/2023 01:19

My children are not (early 20s now) anxious and never were even as small children. I still would never have left them with someone they (or i) didn't know. Nor would I have left them with a 13yr old. Nor did I leave the oldest to look after his younger brother. With no family around we either went out alone, or as a family, or, on a few occasions, I left them with close friends.

However, I have been on both sides. I have regularly looked after children I've never met. People trust me with their children. People I have babysat for have recommended me to others, who then recommended to still more. I am local, a childminder, older, a parent at school, years of experience so I can understand why they trusted their friends judgement. But I'm always astounded that people leave their children with me without having ever set eyes on me before. I mean, they are getting a good deal, I'm great with children, I know that, but they don't. But it's not something I would have ever done myself.

You just need to be confident in your choices OP. It doesn't matter what other people do or don't do and it's not for you to judge that. The only thing that matters is that you do what you feel comfortable with for your children and it's no one's business but yours how you deal with it.

Thank you for your reply

OP posts:

Original poster

ManorHall7 · 18/10/2023 07:47

bluegreygreen · 14/10/2023 23:48

People have different thresholds for comfort when using babysitters. For mid-late primary school aged children, it seems most people would be comfortable with a recommendation from family (even more so if there was time to meet in advance).

In OP's case, her sister is likely miffed as (a) the reply to her offer was dismissive 'thank you but no' (b) the refusal unless carefully worded implies mistrust of the sister's judgement and (c) the refusal makes clear that OP really doesn't want to attend the family meal.

I don't have time this week now that's part of the issue l, I wasn't stating a firm no i the future just not this week.

And no way is my 11 year old being left along with a 7yr old for a evening. A lot of posters implying that.

She travels to school on her own etc

I wasn't happy having somebody I don't know within a week babysitting recommendations or not. I don't always trust family judgement in any scenario

OP posts: