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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to leave my children with a random babysitter

146 replies

ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:15

So family evening out suggested a few weeks ago, my DC are 11 and 7. We have very few babysitting options generally. So struggle with eves out.

We thought we could DH auntie but she is 75 (has sat for us lots but she can't make it) the date is next week. I explained in chat we might need to pull out DSis says she has a number of a good sitter, I said thank you but no.

She's got the hump. I feel uncomfortable leaving my children with someone we have never met or they have met ? Especially with a weeks notice. We disagree on a few things, she left her 6yr, 3 and 2 year old with my neice who is 13 for an evening and i disagreed saying she was to young for 3 that young.

For context also we lost DMil early Jan, DH has struggled and we have had a very tough year and so have they.

Am I being precious or should I just start doing this sort of thing now ?

OP posts:
elizzza · 13/10/2023 17:30

Do you both need to cancel - if it’s your sister’s plans can’t DH stay home and you go? It sounds like you just don’t want to go tbh which is also fine, an invitation not a summons as Mumsnet loves to say!

Iadoretoread · 13/10/2023 17:31
  • anxiety
Garlicnaan · 13/10/2023 17:31

YANBU OP I have a DD similar age and no way would I leave her with a random. She needs a trusted adult to sit with her in order to fall asleep. Not all children are built the same.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:32

Iadoretoread · 13/10/2023 17:30

I wonder where their anxious stems from...

The fact they lost their much adored nan in January, the fact they have seen their dad completely broken by this and their parents struggle with this as a marriage. The fact both of them are having help still from all of this.

They have previously been left l, stayed overnight at places.

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 13/10/2023 17:33

Could you get one of the new sitters that's been recommended to come for an hour during the week and just pop to the shops or something and that way the DC become familiar with her. I have three DC aged 4,8,10 and one has additional needs and we recently found a nearly teenager who is fab with them. It's given us a new lease of life being able to get out without calling in favours.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:33

MidnightOnceMore · 13/10/2023 17:27

They're your kids and you have the right to make these decisions. But avoid getting into discussions with other family members about these type of parenting choices, nothing good ever comes of it!

Well the issue is that, I didn't agree with her choice but never said anything she has been very vocal about this choice

OP posts:
CarpetLady · 13/10/2023 17:33

I’d be fine with this but you’re the mum so make your own choice 🤷‍♀️

Generally you and your sister should butt out of each other’s parenting decisions.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:37

Garlicnaan · 13/10/2023 17:31

YANBU OP I have a DD similar age and no way would I leave her with a random. She needs a trusted adult to sit with her in order to fall asleep. Not all children are built the same.

Very hard. Mine are definately like that someome they can trust and know well

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2023 17:41

Personally I think leaving them with a safe but unfamiliar adult is fine at those ages. No different to sending them to school with a supply teacher. But it's a personal choice.

I imagine your sil has the hump because you've previously criticised her parenting in using your niece as a sitter, so she's sensitive to the implied criticism.

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 17:42

I started off thinking YWBU, but if it's not a special occasion and the kids are already anxious then I agree with you. However, I do think it's worth thinking about doing as a PP suggested and finding a trusted babysitter and getting the kids used to them for the times your relative isn't available and it is a special occasion. It may also help build their confidence a bit perhaps? When my kids were going through a phase of being a bit anxious with new people and we were using an agency, I used to get the babysitter to come round an hour before we needed to leave - by the time I had to go, a good babysitter had got them engaged in a game or something and they barely noticed when I left - and that was good for them and their confidence in the long run.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 17:42

Easy to see how your dc are anxious...

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 17:43

CarpetLady · 13/10/2023 17:33

I’d be fine with this but you’re the mum so make your own choice 🤷‍♀️

Generally you and your sister should butt out of each other’s parenting decisions.

@CarpetLady I completely agree ... time for everyone to keep their opinions to themselves.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:50

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 17:42

I started off thinking YWBU, but if it's not a special occasion and the kids are already anxious then I agree with you. However, I do think it's worth thinking about doing as a PP suggested and finding a trusted babysitter and getting the kids used to them for the times your relative isn't available and it is a special occasion. It may also help build their confidence a bit perhaps? When my kids were going through a phase of being a bit anxious with new people and we were using an agency, I used to get the babysitter to come round an hour before we needed to leave - by the time I had to go, a good babysitter had got them engaged in a game or something and they barely noticed when I left - and that was good for them and their confidence in the long run.

Thank you this I agree with and it's definitely something we are going to look into

OP posts:
Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:50

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 17:43

@CarpetLady I completely agree ... time for everyone to keep their opinions to themselves.

Show quote history

I did keep mine to myself if you read the thread. Dsis didn'.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 13/10/2023 17:54

Everyone is a stranger at first op. There's no reason you can't take steps to get to know this person - it just sounds like you don't want to, and it's possible your own anxiety is fuelling the dc's anxiety.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:55

CandyLeBonBon · 13/10/2023 17:54

Everyone is a stranger at first op. There's no reason you can't take steps to get to know this person - it just sounds like you don't want to, and it's possible your own anxiety is fuelling the dc's anxiety.

No i have said we will just cannot find the time this week but it's something we need for future

OP posts:
RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 17:56

ManorHall7 · 13/10/2023 17:50

I did keep mine to myself if you read the thread. Dsis didn'.

Show quote history

Apologies, OP, I missed that.

ginasevern · 13/10/2023 18:01

@ManorHall7

You aren't the only one. I never, ever left my son with a stranger. If my Mum couldn't have him I didn't go out. I don't know how people can feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers. How do you know what they might do or get up to behind your back. They could do anything. I also agree that 13 years old is way too young to be responsible. What if there was a fire or medical emergency. You are perfectly right and it just isn't worth it.

pinkspeakers · 13/10/2023 18:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to leave them with a 13 year old. I think you are being unreasonable not to leave them with an older teenager or adult that your sister knows and recommends.

RandomUsernameHere · 13/10/2023 18:17

YANBU, I've never used a babysitter we don't know. Now we ask grandparents, but when we lived abroad it would be a TA from the school, neighbour or adult daughter of a friend.

Newpeopleno · 13/10/2023 18:19

AIBU?

Yes

No I’m not

Iwanttotryandhelp · 13/10/2023 18:25

Well I'm must be in the minority as I wouldn't do this either. My children would hate having an unknown person looking after them. My DD(11) is autistic and certainly couldn't cope with this. My 8 year old would also be unhappy about it. Not worth the upset for an evening out that isn't v important - I simply wouldn't enjoy my night out.

YourNameGoesHere · 13/10/2023 18:25

Your children would be absolutely fine. I fear this situation is a lot of you projecting to be honest. Yes it's sad they lost their nan and that their dad has struggled with this but that happens in households up and down the county on a daily basis.

Honestly at their age your children will be quite accustomed to unknown adults looking after them such as at childcare clubs or supply teachers.

If you don't want to go that's fine and obviously your choice but there are so many ways you could make this work that no wonder your sister is frustrated.

HamBone · 13/10/2023 18:42

I agree with @RumbleMum . Next week is too soon, but it would be a good idea to find a trusted babysitter and gradually introduce them. We did this with a lovely student when my two were younger. We checked references of course.

The first time she came around for a chat and then played with the children for an hour. They really liked her so next time we went out just down the road for a couple of hours- and gradually built it up from there.

Universalsnail · 13/10/2023 19:00

I would leave an 11 year old and a 7 year old with a random babysitter aslong as they were vouched for by people I trusted and the babysitter was female. At 11 you can leave them a phone and they can call you if there any problems.