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Original poster

Is it ok to tell her to hit them back?

167 replies

Comeonthenproperautumn · 13/10/2023 12:40

Is it ok to tell my 5 year old Dd that if someone hits her, to hit them back?
Ive been saying this to my Dd, but part of me feels strange saying it.
I can’t protect my child when I’m not there and can’t 100% trust other adults are fully protecting her, is it ok to start building this resilience in her?

OP posts:
MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 13/10/2023 12:41

Who is hitting her?

BashfulClam · 13/10/2023 12:44

I think it’s fine as sometimes it’s the only way to stop other kids hitting. As long as she isn’t hitting first.my mum always said ‘whack them
back harder, they won’t try again’

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/10/2023 12:44

At school she should be telling the teacher. If someone is hitting at that age, they need help to stop. Therefore if a pattern of hitting is detected, the teacher can intervene. My grandson has been taught to hold out his hand to signal stop and say "No thank you" loudly and walk away. He also tells the nursery teacher if it happens there.

Original poster
Comeonthenproperautumn · 13/10/2023 12:47

No one specific is hitting her, but it happens and quite frequently with the kids from what Dd tells me. Telling the teacher isn’t always sufficient, sometimes nothing is done

OP posts:
Original poster
Comeonthenproperautumn · 13/10/2023 12:47

I always tell her to never hit first

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:48

Yes but never throw the first punch. Some bullies only stop when you stop being their punching bag. Bullies pick on quiet well behaved children who don’t fight back!

Original poster
Comeonthenproperautumn · 13/10/2023 12:48

@BashfulClam See this is it, sometimes it would be the only way to stop a bully for example

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:49

And telling the teacher doesn’t always work. Hit them back and hit them hard!

Littlefish · 13/10/2023 12:49

No, it's not ok.

If she is at school, she needs to tell an adult, any adult.

Retaliation will simply mean that she will be considered part of the problem.

You can absolutely talk to her about defending herself, and standing up for herself, but this doesn't mean physically retaliating. It means avoiding, speaking up and informing.

ASCCM · 13/10/2023 12:49

Nope. Unless you want your kid to grow up thinking that violence is the only option.

this is not good parenting at all.

BashfulClam · 13/10/2023 12:51

ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:48

Yes but never throw the first punch. Some bullies only stop when you stop being their punching bag. Bullies pick on quiet well behaved children who don’t fight back!

Yep hence my brother was bullied by some wee scruffs until the fabulous headteacher stopped it. I was never physically bullied as I had no problem hitting back just as much , I was picked on verbally though.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 13/10/2023 12:51

Mine went with

  1. YOU ARE HURTING ME
  2. YOU ARE HURTING ME, SALLY
  3. SALLY! YOU ARE HURTING ME
  4. you can hit back

in my books three chances with the perp named for them to stop or the teacher to hear, is reasonable.

ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:51

My nephew was horrendously bullied for two years. His dad took him aside and taught him some boxing moves . The next time the bully tried it on, my nephew broke his nose! Bit drastic and wasn’t intentional but he never had one incident of bullying in his remaining school years. ( he’s severely dyslexic and was a constant target of this particular boy in his school).

ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:53

ASCCM · 13/10/2023 12:49

Nope. Unless you want your kid to grow up thinking that violence is the only option.

this is not good parenting at all.

No I want my child to grow up knowing they have the right to protect themselves from children who haven’t been parented well. Big difference.

Butterflyworms · 13/10/2023 12:53

I think it's good to talk about options. Like these are the things you could do...run away, tell a teacher, hit them back or shout a friend.

I think it's good to have a general chat about about it with your daughter. Since she's 5 she should be able to converse with you a bit about it rather than you giving her one blanket rule.

But if you feel nothing is done about it at achool then maybe you need to mention it to the teacher so they can be on the look out for it or fill you in on what's happened already.

Universalsnail · 13/10/2023 12:55

I wouldn't say this to my kids. Hitting back is nuanced and tbh not actually always wise / could make a situation a lot worse.

That said if someone hit my child and they hit back I would have their back about it.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/10/2023 12:56

ConsuelaHammock · 13/10/2023 12:49

And telling the teacher doesn’t always work. Hit them back and hit them hard!

🙄

Honestly.

Of course it's not ok to tell her to hit back. For a few reasons: it's not dealing with the underlying issue of her being hurt by others; it is likely to lead to her being more hurt, as the physical attacks increase.

If the teacher isn't listening to her, you go into school and discuss it.

You talk to your DD about the situations it's happening, and strategies to protect herself.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/10/2023 12:56

ASCCM · 13/10/2023 12:49

Nope. Unless you want your kid to grow up thinking that violence is the only option.

this is not good parenting at all.

This.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/10/2023 12:58

I am assuming that this is her peers? so they are 5 years old?
The problem you will have by telling her to hit back is it conflicts with the school message and she will get into trouble for hitting.

The first step is say in a her "strong voice" that is not nice/stop hitting me etc, and tell a teacher.

The teacher will deal with the perpetrator who could be reacting to your DD/anything else/ not as mature/ frustration etc. By her telling the teacher you are allowing the teacher to correct / put in interventions to sort the issue.

Violence only begets violence and is never the answer. However, I did ensure mine learnt self - defence from an early age - it teaches de-escalation, how to get out of situations and where absolutely necessary how to safely engage appropriately - a valuable life skill.

Noshowlomo · 13/10/2023 12:58

My dad (an old valleys man who gives no shits) always said never hit first, ever. But if hit or bullied then punch them in the nose, and hit upwards. My friend was being picked on by this absolute dick head every day on the way home, so I grabbed him and smacked him. Didn’t happen again. Only time it ever happened and I am not a violent person as people above are saying will happen.
My son is 4.5 and if /when the time comes I will be telling him the same. At the moment I say to tell the teacher and me and his dad when he gets home from school. Bullies only know one way…

ChickpeaPie · 13/10/2023 12:59

I’ve always taught my children to walk away and tell an adult.
But recently I’ve heard other adults telling their children to hit back, and harder. It makes me really uncomfortable

Flamingogirl08 · 13/10/2023 12:59

In MN world no she should go and find an adult who fix it and she will have no issues because the adult saved her.

In the real world sometimes kids need to hit back and stick up for themselves against bullies.

eandz13 · 13/10/2023 13:00

Absolutely.
Mine know they can never EVER hit first, but if they get hit they can take the other kid to pound town.

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 13:01

No, that’s an awful message to teach your child. It’s never okay to assault someone.

skgnome · 13/10/2023 13:03

only If all the other avenues have been exhausted
tell an adult, shout no and then tell an adult
i know some schools would not act on it
also, unless they do know how to hit they are more likely to injure themselves and just get caught in a fight
i do know sometimes it will have to be done, but all the other avenues need to be exploded before you get there, don’t do it just in case

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