Is it ok to tell her to hit them back?

[Comeonthenproperautumn]

Is it ok to tell my 5 year old Dd that if someone hits her, to hit them back?
Ive been saying this to my Dd, but part of me feels strange saying it.
I can’t protect my child when I’m not there and can’t 100% trust other adults are fully protecting her, is it ok to start building this resilience in her?

Teaching children to hit back and hit back hard makes me feel uncomfortable. If this is the way they learn to respond at a young age and is the go to strategy then what happens as they grow older and stronger? I know it's rare but one punch in the wrong place can kill or change someone's life forever (sadly I have seen this on 2 different occasions involving people I know). There are many other strategies to teach first before the 'hit them back' gets taught. They also need to be aware that if they hit back, they may well get hit again or others getting involved too- it's not some magic thing to do that solves everything like some seem to imply it is.

I don’t tell my child to hit back, but I do say if someone is hurting him that he should do whatever he thinks he needs to do to keep himself safe. That might mean hitting or it might mean running or it might mean negotiating.

Thing is with hitting back is that it will either solve the problem (If the other kid backs off) or escalate it (if the other kid hits back even harder then bullies them more etc).

Id like to think my son would hit back if need be, but truth is I think people either have the umph in them or they don’t, and he doesn’t. I think in some ways it’s best to play with your strength and read the situation.

I absolutely fell my child to hit back

why should my child put up with 2/3/4 hits to protect the fact some other shit parent harden taught their kids well

not my problem

not my child’s responsibility

why should my child put up with it? I make sure my child hits back a lot harder

if people did this more we wouldn’t have nasty bullies who’s parents think their angels

i often think parents against such use of retaliation are the parents of the bullies

The problem with this IMO is that small children don't have the judgement to decide when hitting back is proportionate. I used to teach this age group, and they're A) clumsy and B) not good at telling the difference between 'on purpose' and 'by accident'. I've dealt with numerous situations where child A thinks child B has hit/pushed/kicked them on purpose intending to hurt them and actually, child B wasn't looking where they were going and bumped into child A/accidentally biffed them with their book bag etc. It would be a bloody nightmare if all these kids had been told to hit back.

Plus, I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to put the idea in her head that she needs to be worried about people hitting her at school. It hasn't happened yet and may well not happen at all. If she's telling you that deliberate hitting is happening a lot between other children, I'd raise that with the teacher. By age 5, kids deliberately attacking each other should be an unusual occurrence!

Hit but not to hurt, just to say don't play with me

No

I always told my kids when they were primary aged, that if anybody hits or tries to hit them, to shout "Noooo! Stop hitting me" and if that doesn't stop them or a grown up doesn't come, to hit them back.

I teach my dc to access the situation as I was taught. As an adult are you going to want them to hit back without weighing things up?

Or send them to self defence/boxing etc as in a lot of circumstances if you hit back then the bully will just hit you harder.

Some people on hear sound horrendously privileged. If you’ve never been in a situation where you’ve had to defend yourself, consider yourself lucky, rather than judging parents who have been in those situations and don’t wish their children to be victims.

As a 13 year old I was put through a table in the middle of a classroom by a vicious bully who then proceeded to strangle me whilst the teacher shouted ‘stop’ but did nothing to intervene. As I was blacking out I gave her two good punches to the face and she jumped off me and ran out of the classroom. I’m guessing I should’ve just spoken to a teacher. I will certainly be teaching my children that they have every right to defend themselves from a physical attack even if they have to ‘hit back’.

We teach DS to use your words not your fists. You can stand up for yourself without thumping someone.

My daughter has never hit anyone first. She would never have wanted to but she was always told to stick up for herself if anyone touched her. When she was 17 and at college a social media spat with another girl resulted in this girl deciding she was going to attack my daughter in the canteen. Glad to say the other girl may have started it but my daughter finished it. The college saw it all on CCTV and my daughter was in no trouble at all as she acted in self defence.

There's a horrible family at my grandchildren school, the school just wring their hands because they're from a deprived background. They'd been picking on my grand daughters friend one day. My granddaughter absolutely lamped the ring leader who was two years older than her. Teacher did have a word after school but nothing more. It was the gang versus one child.

The school are short staffed so playground cover is scant and bullies getting away with a lot.

All those teaching your child to hit back "for self defence", you do realise that is the EXACT argument 99% of knife carrying youths give? They carry a blade to protect themselves from others carrying.

Where did that notion come from I wonder?

In self defence classes, you are ALWAYS taught 1. To walk away and 2. To shout back off or similar before 3. Blocking and only as an absolute last resort if you can't get away, fight back.

i often think parents against such use of retaliation are the parents of the bullies

What an idiotic assumption.

Perhaps we are parents who recognise that endorsing physical attacks solves nothing, and can make it worse?

👏

Exactly this.

My eldest was quiet and got bullied and told the teacher and nothing was ever done about it. Was bullied occasionally all the way through school.

My youngest (completely different character) wouldn't start anything but hit back and hard if someone hit her when she was at primary school. Never had any problems with bullying, last incident I know of she punched a lad at high school who was bullying her male friend who was gay.

I know which one had a happier school life!

There are a lot of issues with ok if it's bullying or don't hit first.

1. What kids interpret as bullying, often isn't.
2. An accidental push/shove/kick is "he/she hit me first so I hit her/him back".

3.The pressure to stand up for yourself on small kids trying to follow the school rules.

1. If we're using anecdata , then 99% of "hit them back" only end up in an actual fight , and no it's not the last one either.
2. You'd be surprised at what lengths kids can go to justify their behaviour once they realise there's a "loophole".

Before you give that advice , keep in mind that your kid might be on the receiving end of it. You better not complain then.

It's hard to know where to start with the wrongness of everything about this post.

It's also sad that someone else upthread regards it as "horrendously privileged" to live a life which doesn't involve physical violence. I'm not sure it's privileged - I think it's just a lot of people's 'normal'.

I didn't even know that school children go around being violent to one another, and that the parents condone using violence in return, before I read it on MN.

You didn’t know kids hit each other? Well maybe you’re not qualified to discuss the issue then.

Is that aimed at me? If so, of course I know that children hit each other. I have three of them. However, I never suggested that they should hit one another back when they were younger.

I was talking about people who regard violent behaviour as a normal part of the school day. I'd have thought that was quite obvious.

In my school days the bullies were actually tough/dodgy so hitting back would have ended up in more trouble for most.
Controversial but it’s best to learn how to not attract the bullies focus on the first place.

Carrying a knife isn’t ‘self-defence’ as defined by the law and is illegal. Physically protecting yourself is ‘self-defence’ and isn’t illegal. Whatever your stance on it is, the law enables us to protect ourselves.

Also, sounds like your self defence class is teaching you it’s okay to hit back based on point 3. Teaching your children to defend themselves doesn’t mean you’re teaching them to jump straight to violence and get into scraps.

That's not the point though is it? That's the excuse they use to carry knives and that thought comes from somewhere. Most probably from being taught to fight back rather than de-escalate and get away.

It isn't always legal to hit back. The law says "reasonable force" which in most cases would be a push to get away.

Self defence does not teach to hit back. It teaches do everything else possible but as a last resort here's how to defend safely. And it was point 4. Point 3 was to block.

Teaching your child to hit back is the exact definition of teaching your child to 'jump straight to violence and get into scraps'.