Is it ok to tell her to hit them back?

[Comeonthenproperautumn]

Is it ok to tell my 5 year old Dd that if someone hits her, to hit them back?
Ive been saying this to my Dd, but part of me feels strange saying it.
I can’t protect my child when I’m not there and can’t 100% trust other adults are fully protecting her, is it ok to start building this resilience in her?

Have you been into the school and spoken with the teacher if this is happening quite frequently?

If not then do so. At least if you're child does hit back, there will be a record of you going in and asking for something to be done. The school should be doing something but b if they don't know it's happening, they can't.

If you have been in and they're not dealing with your child being quite frequently hit, I'd look at escalating the issue.

If course it isn't ok! That's a terrible message to give!

How about telling her to tell the teacher?

I've always told my kids there are only two reasons anyone is allowed to use violence - to protect themself or to protect someone else. Teaching them to retaliate violently, or to be violent in revenge is absolutely not the right message.

What bollocks. It’s actually worse parenting to psychologically take away their only line of defence.

‘Telling a grown up’ results in accusations of being a tell-tale or worse, they end up up in some pathetic restorative justice namby-pamby meeting keeping a lid on their justifiable hurt because they’re suppose to sympathise and collude with their own victimhood.

A short sharp retaliation is sometimes the only language punchy little bullies understand.

This shouldn’t be necessary at 5. Is this the end of tether because you’ve told the teacher every time it’s happened (you need to be doing this if your daughter reports to you) and then it’s still ongoing?

If not, then you need to report it every time so they can keep a record - even if this is emailing the school office every time so they know there is an issue not being dealt with properly.

If this has all happened already then I’d be looking to change schools.

I went to rough schools and only needed the ‘if someone hits you, hit them twice as hard’ advice my dad gave me at secondary school when everyone was doing the ‘you alright?’ Half playful hit on the arm - people didn’t hit me on the arm anymore.

I would tell her to shout 'stop hitting me X!' If it continues, she tells an adult, and then if it happens again, hit back.

My sister was often bullied at junior school after we moved into a village as 'outsiders', back in the 1960's. The gang of bigger girls would pretend they wanted to be friends with her, encourage her to go out of sight of the teachers and then start hitting her, pulling her hair, etc. One day this happened, and I saw this girl who was much bigger than my sister, pulling her hair, I looked around for help (I was only 5), but there was no one to be seen, so I grabbed the bigger girl's pony tail, and swung on it! Surprise, surprise, they never picked on her again after that, and no one even thought about trying it on with me. So while in general I don't believe in violence, if it's continual bullying, I would definitely tell a child to hit back good and hard!

Mine were told don't start the fight but make sure you finish it. They always had my permission to hit the kid back and I would sort it out with their teacher and the other parents. As a child I always walloped a kid back if they hit me. I was never bullied at school.

I don’t know why anyone would say it’s a terrible idea - the potential for your child to be the victim for the rest of their life is very real. There are times when going to an adult is possible and advisable and times when it’s not. In those situations then yes hit back. “ Self defence” is a right enshrined in law and I have no problem in supporting my child if she chooses to exercise her RIGHTs not to be hit.

I do get all the messages about hitting back to get them to stop however if the child hitting back was then internally excluded in another class for the rest of the day because they were the one caught hitting and the perpetrator who started it denied hitting first, would you all let that go as that’s all the teacher has to go off of?

On the other hand, we had issues at the end of nursery with a child with SEN repeatedly hitting my child - I tried all the learning differently talks and he might take longer to learn the rules etc and did tell the staff and then it continued and the staff seemed to want my child to play with him even though this was happening so it got to the point I told mine not to play with him as he doesn’t have to play with someone who hits - I was then livid when staff told my child that he’s hitting because he wants to be your friend! I had a meeting and told them if they didn’t keep them apart and prevent the hitting then I’d be telling my child to hit back.

I’m a teacher so I know both sides.

The problem is, it works until there's someone bigger and stronger. I was taught to hit them back as a child and I was good at it, protected my siblings from bullies, defended myself. But I was and am a small female and once past primary age we small females are at risk if we fight back (I'm sure martial arts skills help, but it's not enough against big men). I think it's better to teach other ways of managing conflict, although letting your a child know it's fine and good to stand up for themselves is important too.

The trouble with the tell an adult approach is that children can get hurt in the time it takes to do this and the bully could hit them every day. Let's face it teachers do not have eyes in the back of their head. If she hits back hard, it might stop the bully hitting her in the future

I think in the first instance tell the teacher or TA. Hopefully the bully will be made to stop but if it doesn't get sorted and she's being hit a lot then I'd say hot back very hard. The bully will likely back off and decide she's no longer an easy target. My.older used to be bullied by 2 older boys at break and lunch time. He told the teacher. I spoke to the teacher but he kept coming home with bruises where he had been pushed over or pushed into a wall as he walked along. His Dad showed him how to punch putting in the rotation from the hip. He hit one of the bullies back and knocked him over. They stopped picking on him after that. It just took one good punch.

It works sometimes. But real life isn’t like a Hollywood movie, where the bully falls down and learns her lesson. I remember someone on this forum saying their son had stood up to the school bully after he hit a friend. Their son pushed the bully over. And what happened? The bully just got straight back up and punched her son three times in the face.

It's fine until she hits the wrong person back and gets beaten up.

But self defence is protecting yourself

Try talking it down

If you have spoken to the school and they have done nothing or given mealy mouthed replies "tarquin sometimes punches, but he's from a poor family, is speshul" - escalate.

Dont throw the first punch, throw the last one.

Oh this. If the other kid isn't particularly aggressive, then hitting back isnt necessary. If the other kid is particularly aggressive, hitting back will likey lose you your teeth.

@Comeonthenproperautumn try asking your dd what is happening just before the hitting starts.

No. Violence isn’t the answer. They should tell an adult.

I’m sure you’d be the first on the phone to the school if she got in trouble for being in a fight which started because someone hit her first and she hit them back!

YNABU OP. IMO Kids face injustice so many times before giving up and that sews the seeds for future bullying. A child who has given up hope because their side is never listened to is a target for bullies. Showing their their needs matter and that they will stand up for themselves is vital. It’s about confidence and self belief.

One hundred percent right. I always taught my child don’t hit tell an adult but the teachings of kind hands only works if every child is taught and behaves that way. I got so fed up of my child being the one hurt or bullied it quickly became don’t hit first but hit back and make it count. As long as you didn’t hit first. I’ll back you to the hilt. It’s amazing how many teachers who I work with actually say the same to their children.

We've had this chat with ds4 a few times. There have been a few occasions over the years when a girl has attacked him at softplay, where we can see but not get in - one much smaller girl in particular just started slapping him round the face over and over. Not only does my ds not run away, he doesn't even cover his face.

We've said that, at school, tell a teacher. Shout stop hitting me. Move away. Put your hands up to keep them off. And hit back if you need to. But never hit first. He still says he doesn't want to hit, but I don't want him to be victimised as he gets older.

I told my boy to shout as loud as he could
"DON'T TOUCH ME".

Shouting should get an adults attention especially in the classroom or yard. Then tell the teacher. If child hit him again yeah sure hit them back.
Mine was innocent enough that when it got to the stage he had to hit back he would go up to the teacher and say I hit so and so because they hit me first.
I was always told to hit back. Never hit first but don't be a doormat because if a kid gets away with it once they will do it again because your seen as an easy target.

As your child grows up, how/when are you going to teach them that hitting is unacceptable? As in, it is a crime and police won't see who 'started it' as an excuse? Something to think about if you're going down this route. You get to decide what you do now and in the future.

Remember saying to Dh how I could never imagine being in a physical fight and had he ever been was so surprised when he said yes. He was an academic work hard type in a rural comp with a foreign mother in a mono cultural area. He had to beat a few of the worst up from the outset to be able to live in peace. Blew my mind.

No I won’t be teaching my child that hitting is ever ok. I will be telling them to be assertive and loud, to yell ‘don’t hit me!’ and to physically push the other child away if needed but I won’t be telling them to hit back. I will also tell them to then go and tell an adult straight away.
Not a good idea to escalate into physical fights.

For all that it's not ideal, every friend/colleague I have had my whole life who spoke about being badly and repeatedly bullied at school, has been someone where their parents told them never to hit back and to tell an adult, they did, and it wasn't dealt with adequately.

I, and the people I know who didn't get bullied more than the odd one or two times, all of us said we never hit first, but if we got hit, we hit back, and it stopped.

The above mostly applying to secondary though.

At 5, I guess I might have a bit more sympathy for children who still need a bit more support to manage their feelings and social skills, but if your child has used loud, definite words to tell them to stop (ideally with the aggressor child's name, as a pp said) and the other child is continuing to hit, I don't think it's an unreasonable response.