Is it ok to tell her to hit them back?

[Comeonthenproperautumn]

Is it ok to tell my 5 year old Dd that if someone hits her, to hit them back?
Ive been saying this to my Dd, but part of me feels strange saying it.
I can’t protect my child when I’m not there and can’t 100% trust other adults are fully protecting her, is it ok to start building this resilience in her?

If we’re being pedantic, you didn’t specify a point 4 and lumped it in with blocking.

Reasonable force is whatever is necessary and proportionate in order to prevent yourself from being subject to further physical harm. In some cases a push would work, in some cases a strike is required.

De-escalation, although preferable, isn’t always possible. I’d rather my child know that they have to option to physically defend themselves should other options not work, than have them be a human punching bag.

Nope. Unless you want your kid to grow up thinking that violence is the only option.

This makes me feel uncomfortable because I was bullied horrifically all through primary and secondary school and in my area where I lived.
My dad always told me to hit back, my mam always said just ignore "dont be like them".

So I never hit back, they knew I was an easy target and that I was hell bent on not hitting back and being "like them". So they figured out very quickly that I'd let them do it and never hit back. It was funny to them.

Everyone in school would tell me to hit back, some friends parents even told me to hit back because I cried about it for years and years.

And I actually witnessed other kids being bullied, hitting back and it stopping for them.
I wish I had done it but I just kept hearing my mam in my head telling me to be a good girl and violence isn't the answer and then I'd feel so sick at the thought of disappointing her and getting into trouble at home.
It was a fucking torment. I always felt uneasy like I had no way out.

@Notimeforaname thats sounds horrendous, sorry you experienced thag.

My husband was horrendously bullied through secondary school. It only stopped when he finally got back hard (after he had been kick boxing for a year or so). He went in hard and it did solve the problem.

I would say I’d tel my child to hit, but I would let them know that hitting is ok if that’s what you feel will keep you safe and the other person is putting you at risk.

Dowhadiddydiddydum
Ah thanks a million. I love hearing stories like your husbands! Same thing happened with my partner. He lost it with two lads who had been tormenting him and it changed everything for him.

I would say I’d tel my child to hit, but I would let them know that hitting is ok if that’s what you feel will keep you safe and the other person is putting you at risk
This is great way to explain it. Had my mam told me this, I'm sure I would have tried to defend myself.

“De-escalation, although preferable, isn’t always possible. I’d rather my child know that they have to option to physically defend themselves should other options not work, than have them be a human punching bag.”

^ This. This is so right. Of course we want our children to try other strategies if possible, but I also want children who can hold their own physically if they need to. It’s why my kids do a martial art, so the threat of violence will hopefully be less for them as they will feel confident to manage themselves if they need to.

The knife crime Link is interesting. I have younger children and live in an area with very low knife crime/knife carrying. However I can see that if I lived in an area with high knife carrying, and had older children, I’d be mindful of teaching my child to deescalate even more where possible. I can see how hitting back to the wrong person might escalate a situation to someone pulling out a knife.

My eldest DS was bullied terribly by one boy in particular.
I never once told him hit back just went though the process of reporting it to school. The school were utterly useless.
So one day he came home and there had been another incident. Both me and my DH told him if it happens again you hit him back and hit him harder.

Anyway a couple of days later the same boy targeted my son in the toilets and my son punched him back. Never had an incident with the bully again.

Those commenting against retaliation have never had a child who’s been bullied

Its horrendous

you watch their self esteem shatter

they cry everyday

school can’t intervene because it’s often indirect intimidation, gang name calling and exclusion from all social activities, isolation etc

it caused us so much stress my marriage nearly broke down as we couldn’t sleep, eat or even function at work for worrying about each school day

by time it comes to physical the damage is often already at its peak. You’ve exhausted all avenues of school, teachers etc

you can’t force kids to like each other and social media means bullying is 24:7

do you really think a bunch of horrible girls give two shits whether the teacher knows? Or their parents? They don’t because teachers are too busy and parents believe the crap defence the kids say

so the cycle continues

hitting back is the only language they understand. It’s the only option many kids - esp teens have

if you haven’t watched a child go through it you are frankly talking out of your arse and some shit parenting book

in the real world, my child should not have to give anyone a second chance

if someone hit me as an adult id hit them back - to not do so would be pathetic imo

my child is no less worthy of defending herself than me

and don’t even think of suggesting police because they do not intervene in such matters so end result is no one gives a shit other than the parent of the victim

Those commenting against retaliation have never had a child who’s been bullied

But, this isn't a bully. This is a five year old, who has likely been in school for a matter of weeks. They haven't yet learned how to regulate their emotions and are dealing with it by lashing out.

And as mentioned before, children this age often can't differentiate between on purpose and by accident.

So a child bumping into them instantly becomes, to them, a mean push that hurt them. Having the child who was "pushed" turn round and lamp the other one wouldn't be helpful. Their perception may be that they were hurt, so they can then hit back because Daddy said it was ok to do that.

So then you've got 30 kids who think that the answer is walloping one another.

My two eldest know never to hit first. Only one of them has had to in year 6. A boy was trying to drag her to the ground by her hair while also trying to kick her legs out from under her because she said she didn't care about his opinion. Students were screaming for help and no-one came fast enough. My daughter did exactly what I told her to and open hand slapped him on his ear. The little prick let go immediately and ran away crying. He got suspended for 2 days. That's also the day I informed the school that at 11 an apology is not enough for assaulting someone.

Neither of my children have ever hit another child. If I’m a shit parent for telling my children I have their back if they stand up for themselves then I’m ok with that. I’m thankful that they have never been in a that situation.
Not all children have the luxury of going to a school where they won’t get hit!! Are you saying they just just take it when it’s done out of the watchful eye of the teachers supervising?

Fighting IS trashy and unnecessary. I could not agree more. My children would never start a fight. They have been brought up to walk away. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t back them if they felt the need to protect themselves.

This!

I was bullied for a year by a boy when I was at primary school. I was often bruised and upset. The school were told. However kids who bully don't always respond to a telling off.

Eventually I hit back hard. I broke his nose. There was a lot of blood and he cried, like I had cried for a year.

He never came near me again and I learned that sometimes you have to be tough whether it comes naturally or whether you're a big soppy git like me. I can cry at pictures of kittens but like hell will I let anyone push me around, because inside deep down I know there is a tiny 7 year old fighter should I need her.

Life isnt always going to hand you a guardian angel I'm afraid, you have to be able to stand up for yourself.

I wouldn't tell my daughter to hit back because ultimately that could lead to an escalation in the violence and end up with her getting more hurt.

My mum always told me that I was never to be the first to hit but to make sure I was the last.

I learnt to fight back hard, because if I lost I'd get a good hiding at home.

That is horrible. What a thing for a child to experience.

It also rather shows that violent behaviour is often directly related to formative experiences. Most well parented children are neither the first nor the last to hit someone else - it just isn't part of their coinage.

The thread has moved on to bullies - but the OP never suggested that her 5 yr old is being bullied. However, she still asks whether she should tell her very young child to hit someone back. Small children are often bumping into one another, snatching, pushing etc, because they are learning how to behave (and often don't have the motor skills and coordination to stay in their own physical space). If they were all told they could shove any child who shoved them, the entire class would spend all day shoving each other.

Yes I always told mine to do so. If only for defence.