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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for telling DS being autistic is not a good reason for smelling

109 replies

myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:29

it went roughly like this:

DS 13 who has asd/adhd gets up and puts on a t-shirt he's worn twice before (my fault for not putting it in the washing machine as soon as he took it off I know).
I remind him that the t-shirt has been warn before and ask him why he didn't put a clean one one.
He says he doesn't know where the others are, that he could only see one and he didn't like that one (there's a stack of about 15, at least a few of which he liked last week).

I say that people will think I'm a bad mum if he goes out wearing dirty clothes and smelling.

He says it's because he's autistic and I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy.

He is now really angry at me and is calling me an ignorant bully. DH joining in,.

AIBU?

Does autism acceptance mean that we need to accept people have a right to set their own hygiene standards?

Instead of harrassing my son into having normal hygiene standards should I be congratulating him on ignoring judgemental people (like me) who have a problem with BO and unwashed clothes?

OP posts:
HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 13/10/2023 11:32

Yanbu

He's being a smelly teenager. Not a autistic smelly teenager. No excuse for wearing dirty clothes if others are available

W0tnow · 13/10/2023 11:34

You’re his mother. You would know if he was genuinely incapable of seeking out, and putting on clean clothes when he needed to. I mean, using his logic, he won’t be aware enough to wear clean clothes, ever? Because, autism?

Worriedmum159 · 13/10/2023 11:35

I don’t have much knowledge of ASD/ND in teenagers but I had a young man assigned to me for work (I say young, he was 30 and I was 38 so not that young in years) and he absolutely reeked to high heaven. He said it was because he was neurodivergent but if I’m honest, I struggle to get my head around why that meant he wouldn’t shower after the gym and would just change into his work clothes and then apparently sleep in his gym kit. It was highly highly unpleasant and awkward to manage. He was extremely unpopular in work because it was genuinely eye watering and when I tried to tackle it, he accused me of bullying.

So, OP, your DS will thank you in years to come if you can try to instil some sort of routine that stops him becoming this smelly 30yo man!

Hickry · 13/10/2023 11:50

I have the same struggles with my teen with ASD. He's older than yours. The last year or two I've stepped back and tried to let him manage his hygiene himself but its just not working. So I'll have to go back to micromanaging it.

I am autistic myself and struggle with self care but force myself as I've spent my whole life masking and trying to fit in. The thought of other people noticing I smell is horrifying to me, whereas he doesn't seem to care. But is very vocal about people being mean/bullies eg at school. 🤦😔

It's not nice for the people around him, in the home and in the outside world if he's walking around stinking. It's not healthy either. I really worry for him when I'm not here as he just doesnt have a grasp of it or motivation for it.

Original poster
myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:51

Thanks for comments and votes.
All the comments so far are from people think I was reasonable, but we have 15% of voters saying i'm unreasonable. That's at least 2!

I'd love to understand more. If DS is right and I need to change my whole way of looking this I could really do with hearing the case made by other people.

FTR I think I am also autistic but have always masked, and deodorised.

OP posts:
Original poster
myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:53

@Hickry yes exactly

I find myself wondering if demanding that other people just suck up your BO is a form of bullying

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 13/10/2023 11:54

It's tricky to get the right level of directness to be understood, but he does need to know.

Original poster
myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:57

@HelloItsMeHowAreYou Yes I said that to him actually, that it was more about being a teenager than autistc but he said all the other 13 year olds he knows cover themselves in Lynx etc

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 13/10/2023 11:57

My autistic kids really, really struggle with being close to strong smelling things or people so I would say that in his own way he could be being abelist by not having consideration for others.

Namerequired · 13/10/2023 12:00

4 nd kids/young people here. I have one who puts the same clothes back on, sleeps in them etc, and has to be reminded to shower. It’s just forgetfulness tbh which probably is a part of his asd but not an excuse iykwim. He certainly wouldn’t use his asd as an excuse for this and just goes and changes.But I do believe it affects it.
My next one down is the opposite. Straight out of bed into the shower and never wears the same thing twice. So often 3 plus outfits a day, pyjamas, uniform and home clothes. Sometimes jumper is on for 5 minutes as he hates jumpers and coats, and it’s then thrown in the wash. Both situations are frustrating and we continually work on solutions. Haven’t found an effective one yet though.

Theunamedcat · 13/10/2023 12:03

My son can get like this refusing to shower he is autistic its the sound the shower makes that distresses him we still have zero tolerance of smelly pits he must use a flannel and he must have his hair washed over the sink if he won't go for a full shower

AnSolas · 13/10/2023 12:05

If you son has reached the age of 13 without ever managing to understand where his clean underwear and tshirts are stored i would go with UABU.

However as he is functioning enough to create an argument he is functioning enough to put his dirty clothing in a wash basket and locate clean items.

If he is going to wear something 2 days running i would suggest that you get colour coded hangers eg a red hanger is used to indicate clean but previously used. And on the second day he puts it into the wash basket.

You are trying to get a full functioning indedendent asult so at 13 he is old enough to learn how to use the washing machine and how to sort out laundry. So on Friday night or Saterday his job should be to collect all the washing and sort it for the washing machine. And after the wash he should be putting his clothing away.

And your husband is being an asshole. When was the last time DH too responsibility to educate your son on what is expected of him as an adult?

itsmyp4rty · 13/10/2023 12:09

The smell doesn't bother them, they won't notice it, there are a hundred more interesting things they could be doing than personal hygiene/looking for clean clothes etc and as they struggle to put themselves in other people shoes they don't see the problem. He also might hate the feel/smell of deodorant and may not like the feeling or sound of shower water.

Basically making sure you don't smell for the sake of other people when you're an autistic male and often not bothered about what people think of you doesn't make any sense - it's effort for no reward. Autistic females are often different and much more into masking so there's no comparison there to be made IMO.

It's very common with YP (mostly male) with ASD, but a lot of people (as shown) have no idea.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 12:10

Does your ASD ds have issues with fabric and style? Ds 14 (ASD) has to have tight bottoms - as in no material movement.. And all black. And all basically the same item of top and jacket.. So in his mind every item is the same whether clean or not! As it looks the same! Can you hang outfits on day of the week labelled hangers? Assist in regular sorting of clean and dirty...

itsmyp4rty · 13/10/2023 12:11

Comefromaway · 13/10/2023 11:57

My autistic kids really, really struggle with being close to strong smelling things or people so I would say that in his own way he could be being abelist by not having consideration for others.

Not washing is not an example of being ableist. Stop being so ridiculous.

ASCCM · 13/10/2023 12:13

As a parent of an Autistic child I genuine believe that having ASD is not an excuse for anything.

Nowdontmakeamess · 13/10/2023 12:15

I voted YABU for telling him autism isn’t an excuse. Autism can severely impact executive functioning, and cause developmental delays so although he’s a teenager perhaps try scaffolding and implementing systems aimed at a younger child. Have set routines for washing every morning/night, maybe hang up his clothes so the T-shirts are easier to see and have fewer of them so it’s not so overwhelming choosing what to wear, go through all his clothes to check which ones he wants to keep and replace any which are ‘wrong’ (could be sensory - material, colour etc).

It’s a tricky balance between preparing him for independence but also needing to provide more support than other children his age. People have no idea how much autism can have an impact on day to day living and self care, even in so called ‘high functioning’ individuals. You’ve had a lifetime to develop strategies to cope, so I do think perhaps it would help to change your lens somewhat.

AxolotlEars · 13/10/2023 12:16

We have a few neuro-d people here and we just tell them they smell. In our family you cannot go around honking because it impacts other people in our home. On the other hand, I don't take it personally if they go out in dirty clothes and smell, although I would prefer they didn't. Neuro-d is a reason not an excuse.

BoardLikeAMirror · 13/10/2023 12:16

It might be a sensory issue - newly washed clothes are not as comfortable as worn in clothes. Perhaps work with him to find fabrics he is comfortable with. I'm nearly 50 and I know exactly what fabrics I can and can't wear, but it takes time to build that knowledge and also as an adult, you don't have the issue of outgrowing clothes so you can amass a wardrobe of old, worn-in clothes.

Nonplusultra · 13/10/2023 12:17

I think your approach is more likely to maximise conflict than get the result you want.

We have rules about wearing a fresh set of clothes every second day (fresh underwear every day), checking for stains before leaving the house, and showering at certain times.

I’ve told my dc that during puberty their bodies get stronger smells and not to worry because, as their mum, I’d let them know if it was time to start wearing deodorant, showering more often etc. So it’s not hitting as a personal criticism but as a caring heads up.

Ds clothes are organised on an open shelf in categories. He just has multiples of the same clothes so everything feels and smells identical. Yes, he’d prefer to keep wearing the comfy dirty one but there’s a rule.

We’ve had to do a huge amount of work with the occupational therapist to make showering tolerable as the sensory issues are enormous. It’s important to acknowledge how hard it is, but balance the compassion and accommodations against the rules.

It’s so easy to trigger either a PDA or RSD response. I’m careful with language - I try and ask him what he’s planning to do after his shower.. or does he want me to put his oodie on the radiator, rather than telling him to go for a shower. It smooths the path.

DisappearingGirl · 13/10/2023 12:19

No I agree with you OP. Autistic or not, he needs to learn how not to be smelly, otherwise it will really impact his life.

My two girls have had phases of really grumbling about showers, and also of only favouring the same three t-shirts. I don't know if this is because they are kids or because of autistic tendencies. In the end it doesn't matter - if they need to shower or change their clothes then I am strict about it.

FloweryName · 13/10/2023 12:20

You are right his autism isn’t an excuse. It might be a valid reason for some people, but as his mum you can make a valid judgement of whether or not it is for your son.

I’ve been known to tell my son that while his autism might make it harder for him to learn something, it still has to be learned. He can have understanding and extra time to learn, but he doesn’t get to opt out of learning altogether.

Original poster
myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 12:21

@Coldinscotland yes, he will only wear very narrow range of clothes, but we have enough of each for there to be clean versions available always. If I hide the clothes he wore yesterday then he usually find clean ones. It's just another thing for me to remember though and is not building his independence.

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 13/10/2023 12:22

I voted yabu because some autistic kids genuinely can’t have showers and I think you could talk to him more kindly. Their executive function can go up or down depending on what else they have experienced. So sometimes dd2 can’t shower, sometimes she literally can’t find her clothes even though on other days she helps me to put them away. It’s like because she has had a bad day at school her brain freezes and I have to help her get undressed even though she’s a teenager. We keep a spare deoodorant in the car in case she forgets to put it in in the morning and does that about twice a week

Original poster
myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 12:25

@Theunamedcat I like your zero tolerance approach to smelly pits, and the flannel compromise but the fact that DH also does not care what other people think of his body odour means that I'd probably have to take on the two of them. My previous attempts have failed though.

OP posts: