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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for telling DS being autistic is not a good reason for smelling

109 replies

myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:29

it went roughly like this:

DS 13 who has asd/adhd gets up and puts on a t-shirt he's worn twice before (my fault for not putting it in the washing machine as soon as he took it off I know).
I remind him that the t-shirt has been warn before and ask him why he didn't put a clean one one.
He says he doesn't know where the others are, that he could only see one and he didn't like that one (there's a stack of about 15, at least a few of which he liked last week).

I say that people will think I'm a bad mum if he goes out wearing dirty clothes and smelling.

He says it's because he's autistic and I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy.

He is now really angry at me and is calling me an ignorant bully. DH joining in,.

AIBU?

Does autism acceptance mean that we need to accept people have a right to set their own hygiene standards?

Instead of harrassing my son into having normal hygiene standards should I be congratulating him on ignoring judgemental people (like me) who have a problem with BO and unwashed clothes?

OP posts:
RedCrossSupporter · 13/10/2023 13:12

I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy.

YANBU to be concerned about his hygiene but YABU to think shaming him will work when it is clear to me that his ADHD and Autism are making self care difficult for him. Remembering and being able to shower and put on clean clothes unprompted is difficult for many people with ADHD or Autism, and he has both. It’s two of the daily living activities for DLA/PIP and why tens of thousabds of children and adults with ADHD or Autism receive due to the impact of their disability on self care.

You can’t shame someone out of the impact of their disabilities. You are being ableist.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/10/2023 13:15

I voted YABU as I think its his ADHD not his autism.

Dc have ADHD and short term memory is severely impacted.

Chances are he's just forgetting and/or getting distracted/not focusing on it.

Is he medicated?

volunteersruz · 13/10/2023 13:15

I don’t think this is uncommon for any teen but i have an adhd child and this is really common in adhd, sometimes they wear certain outfits to death plus procrastination can really impact on personal hygiene .sometimes having really simple routines where prompts are used can help eg. Using a white board to make routines clear.but personally I wear a t shirt more than twice so you may need to explain why he personally needs to do it differently!!!

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/10/2023 13:16

RedCrossSupporter · 13/10/2023 13:12

I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy.

YANBU to be concerned about his hygiene but YABU to think shaming him will work when it is clear to me that his ADHD and Autism are making self care difficult for him. Remembering and being able to shower and put on clean clothes unprompted is difficult for many people with ADHD or Autism, and he has both. It’s two of the daily living activities for DLA/PIP and why tens of thousabds of children and adults with ADHD or Autism receive due to the impact of their disability on self care.

You can’t shame someone out of the impact of their disabilities. You are being ableist.

This.

weebarra · 13/10/2023 13:16

DS2 is the same age and also has ASD. He needs constantly reminded about clean clothes especially.
I think it's because it's not something that matters to him, he just doesn't think about it. He's not particularly smelly, and he will go and change when I remind him, it's just something that doesn't seem to be on his radar.

BoardLikeAMirror · 13/10/2023 13:17

not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene

If you've met one autistic person ... you've met one autistic person.

There's a wide range of traits associated with autism, but we don't all have all of them, everyone has a different combination of traits. Sometimes these can be opposing - some autistic people have obsessive compulsion around hygiene, for example, whereas for others hygiene is at the bottom of the list below sensory issues which get in the way.

MrsSlocombesCat · 13/10/2023 13:17

AnSolas · 13/10/2023 12:05

If you son has reached the age of 13 without ever managing to understand where his clean underwear and tshirts are stored i would go with UABU.

However as he is functioning enough to create an argument he is functioning enough to put his dirty clothing in a wash basket and locate clean items.

If he is going to wear something 2 days running i would suggest that you get colour coded hangers eg a red hanger is used to indicate clean but previously used. And on the second day he puts it into the wash basket.

You are trying to get a full functioning indedendent asult so at 13 he is old enough to learn how to use the washing machine and how to sort out laundry. So on Friday night or Saterday his job should be to collect all the washing and sort it for the washing machine. And after the wash he should be putting his clothing away.

And your husband is being an asshole. When was the last time DH too responsibility to educate your son on what is expected of him as an adult?

Have you ever lived with someone on the spectrum? My son is fortunately very hygienic but that’s because he has OCD as well. He is 32 and it would be harder for me to get him to sort his own laundry than to do it myself. I am also on the spectrum and I hate showering but make myself do it… I don’t like the feeling of water on my skin. I would be mortified if anyone thought that I smelled but a 13 year old boy is not going to be concerned with that, especially ASD. We used to go to a group where there were parents with teenagers who did smell and had poor hygiene along with others like my son who were over fastidious with it. I was thankful to be a parent of the latter. I don’t know what the answer is to be honest, but if my son refused to shower I would probably be quite insistent that he got in the shower at least twice a week. I have to go into my son’s bedroom to get his laundry so he wouldn’t get the chance to wear clothing multiple times.

RedCrossSupporter · 13/10/2023 13:25

However as he is functioning enough to create an argument he is functioning enough to put his dirty clothing in a wash basket and locate clean items.

🤣 That isn’t how autism and ADHD work! Even the awful DWP that withholds disability benefits on a whim recognise that Autism and ADHD can severely impact self care even if the person can verbally describe how their disability affects them. These are disabilities that often do not affect intelligence.

PollyPut · 13/10/2023 13:26

He may well have real problems with the smell of other people's deodorants. But some don't smell so help him find better ones

caringcarer · 13/10/2023 13:26

At 13 it's not your job to have to pick up smelly T shirts to put in laundry. Give him his own basket to put the clothes that need washing. Stand over him if you need to to begin with whilst he puts it into the basket. YANBU.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 13/10/2023 13:36

He's picking the dirty shirt because it stops him having to make decisions. Picking clothes is an incredibly complex task socially. The shirt he wore yesterday was safe so it's a shorthand for a second safe day.

He's avoiding showers because it's sensory overwhelm. Cold to hot to cold. The noise. Shampoo in your eye. Towelling afterwards. It's a lot.

It's up to you whether you do the low tolerance shame route or work with him, help him understand how to alleviate the problems he's having with personal care.

Diverze · 13/10/2023 13:39

Washing is a huge problem for my autistic son (20). He used to bath 3 times a week - M, W, F and that worked well. He cannot tolerate showers usually. It's partly about his feelings about his body and partly sensory. He also has low blood pressure and being immersed in hot water makes him feel dizzy when he stands up. I understand all this. However being out of routine of getting up each day his washing has gone really down hill. He never washes unless I force him. I run him a bath and he lets it go cold. I think I successfully get him in the bath about every 10 days. Despite this, though he isn't super fresh, he doesn't have BO as he doesn't really get sweaty.

Washing and sleep patterns are by far the biggest issues we have wrt our son's autism. I have no idea how to make it better.

JimnJoyce · 13/10/2023 14:48

Hi op I have the exact same issue with my DD14 who is also autistic.
I also think she is using her autism to cover her laziness around hygiene.
In our house it goes something like me saying 'you're autistic not useless ' and variations thereof.

AnSolas · 14/10/2023 08:05

MrsSlocombesCat · 13/10/2023 13:17

Have you ever lived with someone on the spectrum? My son is fortunately very hygienic but that’s because he has OCD as well. He is 32 and it would be harder for me to get him to sort his own laundry than to do it myself. I am also on the spectrum and I hate showering but make myself do it… I don’t like the feeling of water on my skin. I would be mortified if anyone thought that I smelled but a 13 year old boy is not going to be concerned with that, especially ASD. We used to go to a group where there were parents with teenagers who did smell and had poor hygiene along with others like my son who were over fastidious with it. I was thankful to be a parent of the latter. I don’t know what the answer is to be honest, but if my son refused to shower I would probably be quite insistent that he got in the shower at least twice a week. I have to go into my son’s bedroom to get his laundry so he wouldn’t get the chance to wear clothing multiple times.

Show quote history

And yet you have managed to learn and to fumction. How did your parents manage to get you to the stage where not only can you wash and do laundry but you can organise your sons laundry too.

The OP knows her son she is not suggestiing that her son has had to be micromanaged to date and he is able to explain why "none of his friends wash". So it sounds as if he is being more of a normal stroppy teen comming up with excuses and if he can learn he can learn how to wash his own clothing.

Earhell · 14/10/2023 08:09

I couldn't decide if you were unreasonable or not and so voted yabu. I work with a variety of ND teens and many of them really struggle with hygiene. From wanting to wear the same clothes every day, to major sensory difficulties with showering/brushing teeth, etc.

These kids need supporting and dealing with sensitively rather than being ridiculed if they make poor hygiene choices.

In fact, I'm not far off 40 and diagnosed autistic. At home I wear the same clothes daily and sometimes really struggle with hygiene related activities.

I think your son needs support and not telling off, personally

WrongSwanson · 14/10/2023 08:25

It's far crueler not to insist they wash and wear clean clothes, which leaves them at the mercy of playground bullies or just wondering why people don't want to spend time with them

WhichPage · 14/10/2023 08:37

Maybe his ASD means he is simply following his routine of dressing. He needs to slot using the linen basket and the shower into his routine!

i would discuss with him to undress and shower in the bathroom before bed every night and keep dirty linen basket in there so dirty cloths are not available in the bedroom to put on in the morning. Will take a while for the routine to stick.

Moltenpink · 14/10/2023 09:07

All the reasons above for showering/clean clothes are valid, but they all boil down to having to fit in to society. It’s hard when you don’t really care or feel like you ever will anyway.

Isitsixoclockalready · 14/10/2023 09:12

I think that you are doing the right thing - autism obviously presents its challenges (depending on where the person sits on the spectrum) but what you are doing is trying to empower him rather than allowing him to become defined by his autism.

Spendonsend · 14/10/2023 09:23

We have the same issue in our house, but seem to have managed to get past it.
He has a designated t shirt for each day of the week. He keeps them on the floor as apparently he cant see/remember if they are in drawers. He throws the worn one into the hall as part of his bedtime routine.

The washing has been less successful. I've not managed daily, but it is frequent. i"ve managed to explain that lots of people have sensory issues, not just him and BO can be triggering. He is quite kind so that seems to work better than saying it smells and people dont like it. He was quite interested in the bacteria aspect too.

We also let him pick deoderant and he found a stick the least issue. Spray and roll on were sticky/dry/smelt

Nosleepforthismum · 14/10/2023 09:25

Its really common in NT teenage boys as well to go through a revolting, no showering stage. My brother only started to wash when he realised girls didn’t want to date smelly, unwashed boys.

I think, this is one of the non negotiables (like brushing his teeth) that needs to be enforced. Unfortunately, you will do him no favours in the long run by allowing him to keep his poor hygiene routine. However, there are definitely compromises to be had if his autism is making certain aspects of self care difficult but you need to find out exactly what the issues are.

Pleaseme · 14/10/2023 09:28

I have similar struggles with my ND 13 yo. I don’t think I’m doing him any favours if he doesn’t know how to function in the real world.

I liken it to dyslexia. Yes he may find it harder than others. However we don’t just give up we find strategies so he can get on in life.

gotomomo · 14/10/2023 09:38

Yanbu, battling over hygiene is common but I didn't give in! In fact autism isn't an excuse for anything in my book. Yes I let dd not attend certain social events because she found the noise and crowds hard but beyond that I didn't accept the can't excuse with her and as an adult she's very happy that I did insist on many aspects. Each family needs red lines that aren't crossed and personal hygiene is one!

SoShallINever · 14/10/2023 09:44

Break it down into stages.
Does he shower? If not why not? Are there sensory issues that make showering difficult?
Does he use antiperspirant (not deodorant, that's useless and just masks the smell), if he doesn't like aerosols would he use a dry stick?
Are the clean T shirts in a usual place? Or is his room really cluttered making them genuinely difficult to find?
Does he have a laundry basket in his room to put worn clothes in at the end of every day? A big sign above it saying dirty clothes in here 😁.
Would a visual checklist help?
Praise any progress! That works at any age.

napody · 14/10/2023 09:48

myboysmellsok · 13/10/2023 11:53

@Hickry yes exactly

I find myself wondering if demanding that other people just suck up your BO is a form of bullying

Hmm, I'm interested in how you yourself handle disagreement.
Outrage that 'two people haven't agreed with me' and trying to turn it around that people are bullying you?

Obviously he needs to learn strategies not to smell. Your DH should be supporting him in that as well as you. It's a battle for many parents of teenagers, he has potentially an extra barrier. What strategies can he use to help himself? Does he need to get into the habit of getting clothes ready the night before? He certainly needs to get into the habit of putting t shirts in the wash.

I think possibly wording it 'being autistic is not excuse for smelling' is clumsy, but essentially true. Maybe emphasising that most teenage boys have to learn this, and many neurotypical teens still find it hard, might help. DH needs to back you up. But you can build independence kindly, by sympathising that he finds it hard. Those 'buck up your ideas young man' type rants don't work on any teenager, ever!