Page 5 | for telling DS being autistic is not a good reason for smelling

myboysmellsok · 2023-10-13T10:29:35+00:00

it went roughly like this: DS 13 who has asd/adhd gets up and puts on a t-shirt he's worn twice before (my fault for not putting it in the washing machine as soon as he took it off I know). I remind him that the t-shirt has been warn before and ask him why he didn't put a clean one one. He says he doesn't know where the others are, that he could only see one and he didn't like that one (there's a stack of about 15, at least a few of which he liked last week). I say that people will think I'm a bad mum if he goes out wearing dirty clothes and smelling. He says it's because he's autistic and I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy. He is now really angry at me and is calling me an ignorant bully. DH joining in,. AIBU? Does autism acceptance mean that we need to accept people have a right to set their own hygiene standards? Instead of harrassing my son into having normal hygiene standards should I be congratulating him on ignoring judgemental people (like me) who have a problem with BO and unwashed clothes?

Sprogonthetyne · 14/10/2023 13:28

I think saying autism isn't an excuse was fine, but calling in lazy wasn't. Probably better to say you understand autism makes it harder, he might not like the feel of other or by unsettled by the change/transition, but even so needs to wear clean cloths. Then offer to help him find another.

Createausername1970 · 14/10/2023 13:41

I haven't read the entire thread, so someone may already have suggested this.

My DS is autistic and he is very much a "out of sight, out of mind" person. We removed the doors from his wardrobe and I tend to put his pants and socks into clear boxes, rather than drawers. He is far more likely to wear clean clothes if he can see them.

He is 21 and I still have to prise him out of his favourite clothes so that they can be washed. Personal hygiene can leave a lot to be desired, but if I run a bath for him he will get in it. It's the echoey noise in the bathroom of running taps or a shower that he doesn't like.

I do tell him if he is a bit smelly. I point out that it's in his best interests to smell nice. He does know this, and will often comment if someone else is a bit smelly, but it's not high on his list of priorities.

museumum · 14/10/2023 13:48

You are unreasonable because you asked him why he didn't put a clean one on. There’s no way he can answer that question is there? Cause there’s no excuse really.
You should have just said “that T-shirt is dirty, put it in the hamper and change into one of the clean ones in the drawer”.
Simple direct instruction without recrimination.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 14/10/2023 13:55

myboysmellsok · 14/10/2023 13:15

@Username82y He's always been like this but when he was younger it was easier to tell him what to wear and tell him when it's time to wash (and literally brush his teeth for him). I remember a few terrible experiences in swimming pool showers :(

We were not aware he was autistic until a couple of years ago so i have plenty of regrets amd thoughts about how we'd have done things differently if we'd known what we know now.

I still don't know really how independent we can expect him to be. He's in a bit of a burnout situation atm, so has lost some of the independence he used to have. I don't know where we'll end up in the end.

If he's in burnout, his care needs are going to be way higher. When I'm in full autistic burnout I sometimes need my husband to come with me and chat to me when I'm in the shower otherwise all the different steps feel insurmountable and can take me hours.

Different with a teenage boy, but I wonder if going to the bathroom together, getting all the bits ready, turning the shower on for him, then retreating to the other side of the door and talking to him through it while he's showering might help?

With clothes, perhaps you could fold them into ready to grab outfits (jeans, t-shirt, pants, socks) for him until he's feeling better. Clothes worn once get washed straight away. Once he's feeling better you can start teaching him how to do it.

I wonder if he's burning out whether some of his issues are low self esteem rather than sensory? He might need help to see that he is worth taking care of, iyswim?

Floofboopsnootandbork · 14/10/2023 14:09

I have autism, I don’t “struggle” with personal hygiene in the sense that I smell bad, I use deodorant and perfume everyday and shower at least every other day but aim for everyday when I can, because I know that’s what I’m supposed to do but showering and putting on clean clothes isn’t as simple as just getting in the shower and putting clean clothes on. A shower is broken into every single step from start to finish, every single thing that could go wrong, and all the sensory issues that a shower could cause, so much so that it becomes an extremely overwhelming chore for me. During stressful periods I physically can not get up and get myself into the shower. I have to wash my hair tonight, I’m already having to start to prepare myself for all the steps and how overwhelming it is going to be and when I get out I’m probably going to put back on a jumper that hasn’t been washed for at least 3 weeks because that’s “safe” clothing.

Autism isn’t an excuse but it’s a reason and if someone said to me what you said to your DS it would be more detrimental than helpful, it wouldn’t make me get into the shower and put clean clothes on, it would likely do the opposite.

MardiLisa · 14/10/2023 14:30

Mainly this just seems to have turned into an argument between you, husband and son.

You say "my fault really" for not putting his clothes in the wash but is that actually your job or his? I think this whole thing would be a lot simpler if you focus on him getting dirty clothes into the wash every day. That works for you because it will naturally follow that he'll put on fresh ones, and it works for him because that is so much easier than having to pick everything up at some point and sort through what's wearable, what's dirty, and what needs to be put on and what conveyed to the basket. PP suggested basket in the bathroom and that's a good idea if you have space. Ours is right outside DS's room and he puts pants, socks and T shirt in every night as part of his bedtime routine. He is bought into this because it is much easier for him than managing piles.

You seem to have ended up wrangling about a much bigger, more abstract point about responsibility to society. Focus back on a separate, isolated task of getting used clothes into the basket. Be clear on whether it's his job ,or yours, or his with your active support. If the latter, you don't get to moan about how grim it is for him to re-wear unless you have done your bit of helping him get them into the basket. That's a more productive and positive thing to focus on, and I think cleaner clothes will naturally follow.

Violinist64 · 14/10/2023 14:39

I have an autistic adult son and the best advice l was ever given when he was a child was the phrase "it's the rule." It's a good phrase as it takes the discussion away from the personal to the universal - we might not like it but we have to do it. In this instance I would tell your son that autism is no excuse for poor hygiene and that it is the rule that when he has worn his clothes he must put them in the laundry basket and wear clean clothes the next day. I would also make another rule that he has to have a shower every day and use deodorant.

napody · 14/10/2023 15:03

myboysmellsok · 14/10/2023 11:42

@napody you have misunderstood at least two of my comments. I was not outraged at all that people disagreed with me. I really wanted to hear from people with different points of view and was hoping to be challenged - hence post in AIBU

Also, I'm not accusing anyone of bullying me, i was just agreeing with a comment about how not someone else might find him wanting to share his BO at oppressive as he finds me for mentioning it. @Spendonsend made a similar point with nicer language - triggering other people's sensory issues. DS cares about fairness and he enjoys an argument.

Apologies- you were seeking further info from the YABUs, I see now.

I'm guessing that the 'YABU's are mostly 'he needs more support for now' or 'you're right but it sounds as if you hurt his feelings by being that blunt'. Not that you should just leave him to smell :) DH should be backing you up on that.

For teenagers, tshirts become 'like underwear' I.e. need changing daily. Would it help your son to think of it like that- 'you need to reclassify tshirts now, son'?!

napody · 14/10/2023 15:05

MardiLisa · 14/10/2023 14:30

Mainly this just seems to have turned into an argument between you, husband and son.

You say "my fault really" for not putting his clothes in the wash but is that actually your job or his? I think this whole thing would be a lot simpler if you focus on him getting dirty clothes into the wash every day. That works for you because it will naturally follow that he'll put on fresh ones, and it works for him because that is so much easier than having to pick everything up at some point and sort through what's wearable, what's dirty, and what needs to be put on and what conveyed to the basket. PP suggested basket in the bathroom and that's a good idea if you have space. Ours is right outside DS's room and he puts pants, socks and T shirt in every night as part of his bedtime routine. He is bought into this because it is much easier for him than managing piles.

You seem to have ended up wrangling about a much bigger, more abstract point about responsibility to society. Focus back on a separate, isolated task of getting used clothes into the basket. Be clear on whether it's his job ,or yours, or his with your active support. If the latter, you don't get to moan about how grim it is for him to re-wear unless you have done your bit of helping him get them into the basket. That's a more productive and positive thing to focus on, and I think cleaner clothes will naturally follow.

This is good clear advice!