for telling DS being autistic is not a good reason for smelling

[myboysmellsok]

it went roughly like this:

DS 13 who has asd/adhd gets up and puts on a t-shirt he's worn twice before (my fault for not putting it in the washing machine as soon as he took it off I know).
I remind him that the t-shirt has been warn before and ask him why he didn't put a clean one one.
He says he doesn't know where the others are, that he could only see one and he didn't like that one (there's a stack of about 15, at least a few of which he liked last week).

I say that people will think I'm a bad mum if he goes out wearing dirty clothes and smelling.

He says it's because he's autistic and I say that's not a good reason, that not all autistic people have trouble with hygiene, so autism as an excuse is lazy.

He is now really angry at me and is calling me an ignorant bully. DH joining in,.

AIBU?

Does autism acceptance mean that we need to accept people have a right to set their own hygiene standards?

Instead of harrassing my son into having normal hygiene standards should I be congratulating him on ignoring judgemental people (like me) who have a problem with BO and unwashed clothes?

My DS will put on dirty clothes, he will only wash when told. We are very direct when telling to change/wash and he doesn’t get offended.

We have this with ds.
I don't mind him living in the same clothes for a few days (he never goes out, so why push it?)
But I have to be brutal about underwear. He had a tendency to put it back in the same drawer too.
He really resents being told to use shower gel and to use shampoo to wash his hair, but if we don't tell him, he doesn't do it at all. He also runs the shower but doesn't get in it.

No I don't think so.

I'm ND, and so are my DC.

Obviously you know the capabilities of your own child and if he's capable of washing himself and choosing and putting on his own clothes then I think it's worse actually to not tell our kids when they should be paying more attention to their hygiene.

I quite frequently feel guilty if/when I say to my eldest DD that her hair looks greasy and she needs to either wash it or use dry shampoo if there's no time.

I offer to help, which does usually get taken up, as I know appearance means a lot to her.

But I still feel bad for telling her (as I would anyone) if she needs to wash or smells etc. It feels an insult but when it's family I feel that's better than someone who doesn't love them thinking they smell bad or look unclean etc.

but he said all the other 13 year olds he knows cover themselves in Lynx etc

Not an acceptable choice of odours, IMHO.

You’re not wrong, but it doesn’t sounds like you were very nice about it.
You can be autistic and not smell.
You can also be right and not a dick about it.

Nope
Dd is autistic
We set non negotiables.

She hated showers. So bath twice a week to coincide with pe.

New clothes each day as she couldn't get to grips with nearly clean, I've only worn it once/twice/for a week.

Hair washed once a week

Deodorant each day. She hated certain types so I bought a load and she chose.

I realise this is far from the norm but she didn't smell and looked presentable

My son of almost the same age is like this. It's a daily battle. He is also ASD/ADHD. I dread the "you need a shower" conversations. I take his clothes as soon as they're off, he can't wear anything more than once. I keep nice toiletries topped up and Mitchum spray. I also have bar soap for bits and pits because gel doesn't cut it. My son finds the whole routine overwhelming. It was a lot easier when he was smaller and I could bath him myself. Now it's a sodding battle. I try and keep calm with it and say it's not ok for everybody else. I'm hoping once interest in girls kicks in that he will become more aware of his hygiene. This is a really really common issue with ND children.

@napody you have misunderstood at least two of my comments. I was not outraged at all that people disagreed with me. I really wanted to hear from people with different points of view and was hoping to be challenged - hence post in AIBU

Also, I'm not accusing anyone of bullying me, i was just agreeing with a comment about how not someone else might find him wanting to share his BO at oppressive as he finds me for mentioning it. @Spendonsend made a similar point with nicer language - triggering other people's sensory issues. DS cares about fairness and he enjoys an argument.

Sometimes my autistic teen is far too overloaded on the sensory front to do anything but hill about in pants and socks being a stinking mess. Sometimes he’s just being a grotty oik. After this long I usually know the difference between the two, and navigate appropriately.

I will say, though, I’d not use guilt as any of the ways I deal with him. If people judge me for his smell, so be it. Few people know the intricacies of everybody’s life. :)

@Gwendimarco what am I supposed to learn from being called a dick? Do you want to be more specific or did you just want to make me feel bad?

The fact he’s arguing about it and knows it smells proves he’s fully aware and using condition as a get out of jail free card

I've got a 13yo autistic son and for years we've always just been very black and white about 'the rules' around personal health / care etc. I'm a HCP so he's always just listened to facts from me and luckily trusts what I say 'coz I'm qualified' 🤣

So we've always had rules around 'every person has to have a shower every day / clean teeth x 2 / flossing teeth / toileting / nutrition / eye tests / dentist visit / what to be vigilant for etc' but purely from a health perspective and nothing personal (because we reinforced it before it got to that point and touch wood - he's in full force of puberty and we've had no issues).

We've always discussed with him how he'd like to ensure it's all done and helped him find ways around the challenges in the same we have with school / friends etc.

My ADHD son drives me insane with his clothes - misplacing them never having clean ones etc - he has a floorrobe. But I also have ASHD and I do explain to him that it's likely his poor exec functions so he needs to work harder at keeping on top of the clothes situation.
I suspect if your son is autistic he was being very literal and stating to you the problem was because of this autism rather than using his autism as an excuse.

@NC4Obvs yes, totally, if i was smelling I would really want to hear it from a friend or family rather than someone being mean.

I guess i need to soften my delivery or something because I'm not getting thanked.

Yes but our jobs as mothers, is to teach them how to better handle their personal hygiene! How to better handle social situations, how to cope with losing and how to at least try to read people's behaviour etc etc. Yes their issues in these areas are absolutely due to autism, however we can’t just leave it at that! We can't just say "Oh it's Autism so that's it! And not give them any of the help, tools & guidance on how to better handle/cope with/understand/overcome these situations/things.

My 8yr old has ASD and she has learnt so so much since diagnosis at 4 and I genuinely haven't forced any of it on her! I've just gently corrected her here & there, said "thats enough now" when she's said the same thing 5 times for example. Or told her that when someone is on the phone or brushing their teeth, that they can't engage in a conversation with her at that moment in time.
None of this is ableist and i have simply followed guidance & advice i was given at diagnosis. She now has little to no issues socially or at school.

I was using judgemental language towards you, like you did to your son. I am hoped that my post would encourage you to reflect on the way you communicated with him, and help you to understand why he is upset and feeling bullied, even though most people here have said YANBU.

You called him lazy and told him that he is using his autism as an excuse. That is judgemental and not a very supportive way of addressing the issue.

You are concerned about how YOU feel (embarrassed and concerned that others are judging you are a bad mother) and are responding by passing that judgement onto your son (i.e. it’s not your fault, so it must be his fault!)

Yes he still needs to take care of his personal hygeine, but his autism most likely means it is harder for him to organise himself, more unpleasant for him to wash, and it’s more difficult for him to understand why it matters and to make it a priority. That is not the same as just being lazy.

You say you have autism too, so I assume you understand what it feels like to struggle with things that others take for granted?

Look, smelling bad is really unpleasant for other people- at home and out and about. All people just need to deal with their personal hygiene. I don’t see what it has to do with being ND. My tween is at the smelly stage and is NT - she wouldn’t care if she smells. I’ve put my foot down about daily showers and not rewearing clothes.

Posted too soon. In short, you were not unreasonable in principle, but you were unreasonable in the way that you handled it.

Try a little empathy next time and you may get further.

I've explained to my autistic kids, repeatedly, that their neurodivergence is WHY they need to be extra careful about their hygiene.

It's a tough world out there for us NDs, and although it's now (currently) illegal to discriminate against us based on our neurotype, you'll still be sacked/excluded/bullied/generally treated badly for stinking. I've seen someone fired for it. I've not recruited several people in roles where they'd be in a small enclosed office space with others.

With my kids, I've pointed out they get treated far better in public if are look clean and tidy. They get freebies in cafes and the odd shop, people like them, and they get far more latitude on meltdowns etc.

Also can you put a laundry bin where he usually gets undressed? That's helped hugely here. Behind almost every door is a small heap of laundry.

Tumble drying clothes makes them feel more worn in than line dried.

Also we've moved to a full change of clean clothes every single day. She's not capable of judging the cleanliness of clothes - I suspect she can't smell her own smell, so they all go in even though it's technically wasteful. I'll fish them back out if it's really necessary.

You can get a deodorant called Shower In A Can. It's brilliant, even on top of pre existing stench. Would that help? Or Mitchum?

We've gone back to spray deodorant because its immediately dry, which helps too.

Good luck.

YANBU. You know him the best, and know whether his autism could actually be affecting his hygiene. If you know it doesn't then yes, he's just being a smelly teenage boy like the rest of them.

It’s your job as a parent to make sure he’s clean. (and to support him to be clean in a way he can manage, as you do). To neglect his hygiene would be cruel. People will not treat him kindly if he reeks.

Has he always been like this or just since he became a grotty teenager? If he's always been adverse to personal hygiene routines id be inclined to say it's a sensory processing issue. If he hasn't had issues in the past he's just a disgusting 13 year old, many NT 13 year olds are just as foul.

@Username82y He's always been like this but when he was younger it was easier to tell him what to wear and tell him when it's time to wash (and literally brush his teeth for him). I remember a few terrible experiences in swimming pool showers :(

We were not aware he was autistic until a couple of years ago so i have plenty of regrets amd thoughts about how we'd have done things differently if we'd known what we know now.

I still don't know really how independent we can expect him to be. He's in a bit of a burnout situation atm, so has lost some of the independence he used to have. I don't know where we'll end up in the end.

Have a look at techniques to help with personal hygiene management for people with sensory processing issues. Sit with him and go through them together and work out together which ones to implement and how