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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 15:38

cupofdecaf · 13/10/2023 15:34

We took a 2 week old to a night do. Gave us chance to congratulate the couple without having to do the whole day and meal. Hung out with some friends ina quiet area for a bit and then went home. Don't think it was controversial. Why can't a baby go to the night so? It's not like they sleep regular times anyway. Ours certainly didn't sleep much at night.

Your sensible, wise and celebratory post shames the vain, self-obssessed, hard-hearted couples who chose not to share their important day with their friends who had just welcomed a newborn into this world.

burnoutbabe · 13/10/2023 15:39

Acornsoup · 13/10/2023 11:12

Honestly I wouldn't go to a hen party for an evening invite at a wedding.

I don't think YABU. Your friend is in bridezilla mode, but the world doesn't revolve around her.

I don't think your message sounded cheeky either - she's a bit of a dick for not replying and tittle tattling to 'the girls'.

One less Christmas card?

Agreed.

It's hardly your best mate ever if she only invites you to the evening and doesn't care that you can't bring your baby so have to decline.

I'd not be attending any hen either really for sn evening only invite. (Unless local /no hotel needed)

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 13/10/2023 15:41

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 15:33

You're on the windup, aren't you? Or you're not married...

Show quote history

I’m married (many many years ago) and tend to agree that it’s just a party.

The important bit is the vows, the rest is just a party.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 13/10/2023 15:41

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 15:38

Your sensible, wise and celebratory post shames the vain, self-obssessed, hard-hearted couples who chose not to share their important day with their friends who had just welcomed a newborn into this world.

Show quote history

Why so angry?

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 15:41

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 15:38

Your sensible, wise and celebratory post shames the vain, self-obssessed, hard-hearted couples who chose not to share their important day with their friends who had just welcomed a newborn into this world.

Show quote history

How? She brought her baby to someone else's wedding, she didn't open up her own wedding to all babies far and wide?

Freepo · 13/10/2023 15:41

Dogon · 13/10/2023 15:02

She is BU, you are not.

It is courtesy to invite babes in arms to weddings as most are breastfed and cannot be separated from the mother long. Even for childless weddings, people do this.

Bullshit.

OP YANBU because you aren’t complaining about your baby not being invited, just checking if they’d make an exception to no kids for your breastfed baby. You’d be unreasonable to take umbrage at him not being invited, but you haven’t. It should have been possible for you to ask an old friend this without her taking offence.

Newphony · 13/10/2023 15:43

Brides are getting increasingly selfish and self absorbed. If she was truly your friend then she would never ever put you in such a terrible situation.

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 15:45

cupofdecaf · 13/10/2023 15:34

We took a 2 week old to a night do. Gave us chance to congratulate the couple without having to do the whole day and meal. Hung out with some friends ina quiet area for a bit and then went home. Don't think it was controversial. Why can't a baby go to the night so? It's not like they sleep regular times anyway. Ours certainly didn't sleep much at night.

Because it's not invited..? It could go to the night do, if it was invited. Sleeping patterns are irrelevant.

@ChocolateCakeOverspill The important bit is the vows, the rest is just a party.

I mean, you're saying yourself it's not just a party? Part of it might be a party, but the whole day is important, hopefully only happens once in your life, there can be stressful family dynamics etc, so it's not 'just a party'

SoRainbowRhythms · 13/10/2023 15:45

Newphony · 13/10/2023 15:43

Brides are getting increasingly selfish and self absorbed. If she was truly your friend then she would never ever put you in such a terrible situation.

How are they? For having their wedding day the way they want it?

Selfish, selfish women! Fall into line!

sprigatito · 13/10/2023 15:47

Just don't go to the hen do or the wedding. She's made her priorities clear. Anyone who expects a mother to leave an EBF baby is a fool.

Viviennemary · 13/10/2023 15:50

She said no children. That did put her in an awkward position. It was clear on the invitation the baby wasn't invited.,If she says yes to you then it will be difficult to say no to somebody else and might end up with hordes of screaming babies. Awful.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 13/10/2023 15:58

As you've just gotten the invite, and she's your oldest friend so I'm assuming you're close, she should have realised that your baby would need to be with his mother!!
Plus, it's not as if your baby just popped out of thin air, so she knew you'd probably have him with you!
You are NOT being unreasonable, and she could have spoken to you instead of other people!!

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 13/10/2023 16:00

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 15:45

Because it's not invited..? It could go to the night do, if it was invited. Sleeping patterns are irrelevant.

@ChocolateCakeOverspill The important bit is the vows, the rest is just a party.

I mean, you're saying yourself it's not just a party? Part of it might be a party, but the whole day is important, hopefully only happens once in your life, there can be stressful family dynamics etc, so it's not 'just a party'

Show quote history

The vows can be done in a room with a couple of witnesses. All the other stuff is literally just a party. Of course all that is important for some people who want to share it (with or without kids present) and of course that’s stressful sometimes, but it is ultimately a party and not a necessary part of the process of getting married.

I had a great wedding, it was a lovely party, everyone had a great time and got dressed up but the only bit which actually mattered was the bit where we said our vows, signed the register and had two minutes together outside the church before everyone else joined us.

ChristmasKraken · 13/10/2023 16:02

shakeitoffsis · 13/10/2023 15:22

She said no kids it means no kids. Awkward to ask.

She didn't say that though? She just didn't include their names on the invite - nowhere has she said its specifically a no children invite. All we actually know is that she hasn't included the OP's children on the invite.

I don't think it's unreasonable to check that the bride doesn't want your baby there, and that she realises that means you'll be unable to attend.

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 16:06

All we actually know is that she hasn't included the OP's children on the invite
😂
Doesn't that suggest anything to you?

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 16:14

@ChocolateCakeOverspill Things don't have to be necessary to cause stress

shakeitoffsis · 13/10/2023 16:17

@Dogon most are breastfed?
Quick count of friends and their babies and 95% were never ever breastfed. Not even for a second. Only on Mumsnet does everyone breastfeed for years.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 13/10/2023 16:17

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 16:14

@ChocolateCakeOverspill Things don't have to be necessary to cause stress

That’s not under debate is it? Literally my only point is that everything outside of the vows is a party.

ImADevYo · 13/10/2023 16:19

ChristmasKraken · 13/10/2023 16:02

She didn't say that though? She just didn't include their names on the invite - nowhere has she said its specifically a no children invite. All we actually know is that she hasn't included the OP's children on the invite.

I don't think it's unreasonable to check that the bride doesn't want your baby there, and that she realises that means you'll be unable to attend.

Show quote history

People also ignore that children are humans in their own right. Not inviting 'your' kids doesn't mean that's it's a childfree wedding!

Couples tend to be pushed into blanket policies because parents see their kids as extensions of themselves and/or because babysitting is so expensive.

You may be happy to have mum friend Janine's kids, with whom your kids regularly hang out. Or friend's children who you have a real relationship with.

But not Sarah from pilates class's kids whom you've never seen in real life and wouldn't know from Adam.

However if you invite only the former the latter tend to get upset, 'I didn't know kids were invited' etc etc.

Ponderingwindow · 13/10/2023 16:20

asking to clarify if a young breastfeeding baby can attend is reasonable. If the baby can’t, it’s essentially the same as not inviting you at all. Since they invited you, it seems logical they intended for you and the baby to attend and neglected to address the invite properly.

FloofCloud · 13/10/2023 16:25

Not RTFT but I'd do the same as Jen do, get your DH to stay in the hotel and be dad and you nip upstairs for feeding

Screwballs · 13/10/2023 16:26

Strangely child loathing thread for a forum called Mumsnet

Screwballs · 13/10/2023 16:28

Once upon a time, Weddings were celebrations of two families coming together. Apparently that is a long gone tradition and its all now all about the attention.

I imagine the next generation will ban grandparents for not fitting the aesthetic.

Warum · 13/10/2023 16:29

Screwballs · 13/10/2023 16:26

Strangely child loathing thread for a forum called Mumsnet

It's not child loathing to accept the can't/won't be invited everywhere.

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 16:30

Child loathing 🙄. How can anyone take that sort of hype seriously?