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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
ImADevYo · 13/10/2023 12:42

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 12:11

A few people have said it's fine to ask the question so obviously people have different views.

yes, the CF who rudely try to impose the kids that were not originally invited. I am not sure that's representative.

It's just rude to put a bride or groom on the spot, who will try to be nice and won't blurt "NO fucking way", even when they think it.

Well I'm a bride to be. I'm fine with being asked. If I'm a wet wipe who can't say no that's my problem.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:42

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 12:21

how is "NO CHILDREN" not clear?

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It doesn't actually say no children though does it?

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 12:44

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:42

It doesn't actually say no children though does it?

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It doesn't have to. It doesn't say no grannies or dogs either, but most people would grasp that they'd be unwelcome also.

essexgirl8888 · 13/10/2023 12:44

chachachachangesoolala · 13/10/2023 12:40

Gosh OP the Mumsnet world is so weird!
You've asked an old friend a perfectly reasonable question and have explained that you can't come if your baby can't come too.

The alternative is to turn the invite down and have to give the reason why - because your baby isn't invited.

So surely checking in before you officially decline makes much more sense.

What you did is fine!

I think it's fine too. Ive done that thing with breastfeeding and rushing around trying to breastfeed and keep my dress clean and it was not a fun way to spend a day. I really don't think it was like an ultimatum. My friend understood once she had kids of her own and wanted to exclusively breastfeed them. Also I had a bottle refuser. I'd be inclined not to bother going to the hen or the wedding if she is annoyed with me for asking. Like it's a lot of money and time and effort just to feel crap and awkward and have the stress of having to express etc.

Spidey66 · 13/10/2023 12:45

I don't think you're unreasonable.

We didn't have a child free wedding, but I understand why people want them. Personally if I was arranging one, I'd have the caveat that babes in arms ie under a year old were the exception....my reasons being a) they're likely to need breastfeeding (b) they won't need a meal and (c) while they are likely to cry occasionally they won't be running around getting under people's feet and attempting to drink Grandads pale ale.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:46

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 12:44

It doesn't have to. It doesn't say no grannies or dogs either, but most people would grasp that they'd be unwelcome also.

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You're right most people would. But some don't. And some people who send invites don't make things perfectly clear. This is my point.

Nokoolaidherethanks · 13/10/2023 12:49

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

They are absolutely not always welcome. You cannot assume that. I attended a no kids wedding when my daughter was 3 weeks old. I asked the couple if they could make an exception for a tiny bf baby and they said no. We didn't fall out over it. Luckily the wedding was very near my mum's house and I was able to go there to feed her a few times during the day. If that hadn't been possible I would have politely explained I couldn't go.
Turning up with a baby without asking would be very unreasonable.

I don't think it's unreasonable to explain that you won't be able to come if you can't bring the baby. It allows them to make a decision based on all the facts. I find that people who don't have children don't really have any concept of what is and is not possible and may be thinking you could "just get a babysitter" although as a parent it's obvious to you that won't work.

marcopront · 13/10/2023 13:20

@SugarHiccups

You initially said.

We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

Then later said.

Yes, they included them on the RSVP so we knew numbers.

So they didn't "just" bring their kids.

They let you know by including them in the numbers.
If there had been an issue you could have talked to them.

MuggleMe · 13/10/2023 13:30

You tell your friend you regret you have to decline as your baby is ebf and you can't leave them. Your friend can then choose to accept your decision or offer for baby to come. You don't ask.

Turfwars · 13/10/2023 13:38

She can't have it both ways. It's not like you can shove the baby back inside you for a few hours.

You've made it clear it's a request & that you won't be offended if she sticks to her policy. She can either make an allowance, or not, no harm done but she doesn't get to be pissed off with you if you have to decline because she's decided you can't bring the baby.

In my experience the biggest sticklers for the no-kids rule for their weddings are very often the very ones a few years down the line scream blue murder that their 127 month old didn't get invited to a wedding.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:00

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:24

She specifically said no children it was really up to you to go or not, I don't blame her for not replying she's probably stressed and your request is maybe her feel awkward, just don't go if you can't leave the baby.

Why on earth would she be stressed, it's a just a party 😂

Dogon · 13/10/2023 15:02

She is BU, you are not.

It is courtesy to invite babes in arms to weddings as most are breastfed and cannot be separated from the mother long. Even for childless weddings, people do this.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:02

It's really very sad there are ppl in this world who can't cope with a tiny baby at their wedding so that their friends can attend.

Makes me wonder how they cope with real problems. Just so petty

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 15:04

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:00

Why on earth would she be stressed, it's a just a party 😂

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I doubt you're actually serious, @smartiesneberhadtheanswer , but if you are... 🤔

ImADevYo · 13/10/2023 15:13

Dogon · 13/10/2023 15:02

She is BU, you are not.

It is courtesy to invite babes in arms to weddings as most are breastfed and cannot be separated from the mother long. Even for childless weddings, people do this.

Even if they don't take up a seat babies are included in the headcount for fire safety regulations. It depends on how important the invitee is.
For my upcoming wedding (40 people) I'd have made an exception for immediate family or the bridal party. But none of them have babies. The rest were clearly told named people only and if they couldn't come we'd understand. I'd rather have them miss out than kick other people out in favour of a baby.

As a guest you decide how important the wedding is to you, rent a room, take spouse and pop back up to breastfeed. Or just don't go.

It's really not complicated at all.

This person is OP's 'oldest friend' but they haven't even spoken much this year (it's already October) I wouldn't be expecting exceptions. OP has already solved it but just saying....

Isometimeswonder · 13/10/2023 15:16

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

Er. No they're not. I didn't want any kids at my wedding reception.

Myhusbandearns150k · 13/10/2023 15:16

Does the baby really want to go to a disco.

Parker231 · 13/10/2023 15:20

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:48

Perhaps I was just being a bit blunt.
I just wanted to cover all bases and make sure she knew it was okay to say no to me. I wanted to be the opposite of manipulate her - I wanted it to be easy for her to say we’re having no babies, there’s no room etc. I don’t think I’m entitled one bit to bring the baby. But in the same breath I really want to go to celebrate with her.

She doesn’t have children so unsure whether she would understand not being able to leave a breastfed baby (I certainly didn’t understand before I had kids)

I live quite far away from her and so don’t see her often and we haven’t spoken much this year as we’ve both been so busy but we have years like that and it doesn’t affect our friendship when we get together.

As she hadn’t included your children on the invitation I would expect guests to understand that they weren’t invited. We had a no children wedding and that included no babies.

shakeitoffsis · 13/10/2023 15:22

She said no kids it means no kids. Awkward to ask.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 15:27

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:00

Why on earth would she be stressed, it's a just a party 😂

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Its her wedding day but yeah just a party how silly of me.

ShellySarah · 13/10/2023 15:27

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:02

It's really very sad there are ppl in this world who can't cope with a tiny baby at their wedding so that their friends can attend.

Makes me wonder how they cope with real problems. Just so petty

A wedding happens once. I wouldn't want a baby screaming during it. Those who say you'll take it outside, you've already caused a disturbance by that point.

It is not petty. It's petty of mother's to demand acceptance everywhere. A late night party is not appropriate for a baby.

Bobbybobbins · 13/10/2023 15:29

I would take it that's a no and plan not to attend. I would still go to the hen do but I would maybe ring her before the hen do to apologise if it's put her in a difficult position or made her feel uncomfortable. Personally having a baby in arms wouldn't have bothered me at all but everyone is different!

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:31

@Mrsjayy

Weddings are just parties.

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 15:33

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:31

@Mrsjayy

Weddings are just parties.

You're on the windup, aren't you? Or you're not married...

cupofdecaf · 13/10/2023 15:34

We took a 2 week old to a night do. Gave us chance to congratulate the couple without having to do the whole day and meal. Hung out with some friends ina quiet area for a bit and then went home. Don't think it was controversial. Why can't a baby go to the night so? It's not like they sleep regular times anyway. Ours certainly didn't sleep much at night.