AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

I don't think it was unreasonable to message and ask. I lovely wouldn't have put the it about not going, that may be what's got her back up. The bride sounds a bit dim though, it's not rocket science to realise that tiny babies are an extension of their mother while they are so small. She should have just answered you instead of bitching to someone else and saved everyone the dramas. And you can't be as close friends as you think if she doesn't realise you can't just ditch your new born to go to a party.

I've ran loads of weddings up and down the country where babes in arms were allowed to come despite their names not being on the invites.

It's down to each couple to decide if this is acceptable. Often a new baby is new enough that their name won't have been known at the time the invite was written (in which case I recommend writing "name, name and baby") but even then they don't bother because they don't really see the point.

And between friends I'm amazed OP is being told off for asking the question. If she was an old acquaintance or a work colleague then she would be a CF, but a close friend asking for clarification on something?

Yeah I think she just doesn't understand not being able to leave a BF baby and your message doesn't actually explain why you can't leave the baby with your husband (will he not take a bottle?) or get someone else to have him. If she's usually a good friend I'd give her some grace.

Perhaps it's also confusing for her that you're coming to the hen do but not the wedding? Could your DH not do something similar for the wedding?

Babes in arms? In other words younger children, whose names have not been included?

Babes in arms I would class as 12 months and below. Again, not clear, because some people would think this was up to 2 years and other people would think 6 months and under. IMO if they can't walk or are fairly reliant on milk, they are "babes in arms".

A few people have said it's fine to ask the question so obviously people have different views.

yes, the CF who rudely try to impose the kids that were not originally invited. I am not sure that's representative.

It's just rude to put a bride or groom on the spot, who will try to be nice and won't blurt "NO fucking way", even when they think it.

I don't know why your post begins with 'but' when I can't see anything in your post that disagrees with me. I agree with you.

The bride likely feels that she has been perfectly clear by naming the invitees.

No, it means couples need to be very clear on their wedding invites whether children and/or babies are invited if they don't want to be asked.

Also, it's not a random event for the general public. It's a wedding. You invite friends and family. Presumably you know them well enough to double check if you're unsure about something without being bitched about.

Your request was polite and I think it's reasonable to ask for an extenuating circumstance in the case of a very young BF baby. Another poster brought up that younger/child-free brides often aren't aware of this and the ins and out of leaving very young BF babies – well, OK, they should be made aware then.

She is being immature and tiresome by not responding to you and complaining to another friends rather than just getting back to you with her answer. If she is so 'stressed out' planning a wedding – well, that's weddings for you. She can be an adult and handle it.

I don’t think what you’ve asked is unreasonable at all , all she has to do is say no you can’t . Asking her via email / message is better than phoning her as that really puts her on the spot .

I would call her and discuss it.
I breastfed and in my experience people don't always understand/believe that you can't leave your baby, but mine wouldn't take a bottle so I couldn't leave him with anyone else until he could have solid food. She probably doesn't understand.

Also if you think a 4 month old will be loud enough to disrupt the evening do of a wedding enough for it to be a problem then you've met very different 4 month olds to me.

There will (probably) be loud music, drinking, dancing, flashing lighting, all in a quite large room. A baby's cry isn't going to disrupt that and if it did, the onus would be on the parents to step outside or leave. If you don't think the parents would do that because they're selfish, entitled arseholes then 1) why invite them? And 2) specifically say no to babes in arms.

No, I would say being able to ask a friend a completely reasonable question when the invitation isn't clear is pretty normal. Not being able to do this suggests a bit of a people pleasing complex, just ask the question and make it very clear if the answer you're going to get is "no" then it isn't a problem
The invitation is perfectly clear. It invites the people named, and excludes anybody and everybody who isn't.

That's how invitations work; so neither of those factors (invitation isn't clear, completely reasonable question) are at play here.

It wasn't unreasonable of OP to ask and it's childish of the bride to give the cold shoulder.

However no-one who spends any time on AIBU should be surprised that the bride is reluctant to give a straightforward 'no'. Half of the threads on here are from people trying to work out how to avoid saying no to a request or an invitation and half of the replies are from respondents suggesting the wording for a ridiculously complex excuse.

how is "NO CHILDREN" not clear?

These things are best said in a phone call and not via whatsapp or whatever, where there's room for misinterpretation of your intent.

if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best

To me that sounds a bit like a threat (which I know you didn't mean it to be), if you don't let us bring the baby I can't come.
If you'd said that in person or on the phone where she could have heard your voice, or you could clear up a misunderstanding immediately, then I think that would be better.

I think you should phone her now to clear the air.

I remember that thread! It was nuts. The child was about 3.

She might be your oldest friend but you don't sound like you're close anymore.

I think you could have worded it a little differently.

I would not have asked if baby could attend, but gone straight to “so sorry we won’t be able to attend because xyz”

That way friend could have either politely accepted your decision, or offered, rather than agreed, that baby could attend.

I would leave it now. Not sure I would bother going to a hen do for someone who had only invited me to the evening part of their wedding anyway.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask. A don't think a baby in arms is the same as children running around. She's also reasonable to say no if she wants and then you won't be able to go and that's just how it is. She's being a bit childish ignoring you instead of understanding and either letting the baby come or just saying I am sorry I don't want the baby to come and it's a shame you won't be there but I understand.

I know it's a big ask of your DH but if she's a close friend, can't you do the same for the wedding as you're doing for the hen do? I.e. he stays in a hotel room and you pop out to feed the baby?

This assumes that you were planning to both stay the night and stay at the venue, of course, either of which might be incorrect.

I’ve been in a similar situation but in my case it was only babies under 6 months old who were banned.

I had a 3 month old baby so we didn’t meet their criteria, but as I was exclusively breastfeeding it meant we wouldn’t be able to go to the wedding without the baby.

My husband was the groom’s best friend (he’d been my husband’s best man) and when he spoke to his mate about it, his mate said he’d have been happy for me to come with the baby as he knows the baby can’t be away from me, but that his fiancée had said a firm no.

It all got very awkward.

I think your text was fine and it’s disappointing that she didn’t reply.

A don't think a baby in arms is the same as children running around.

many disagree with that, which is why they write "no children" as opposed to "no children over the age of xx months old"

I didnt want children at my wedding as I didnt want a load of screaming kids spoiling the day, or in general adding to the already low head count we had. The best mans wife was pregnant and I fully accepted if she had had the baby then she would be bringing the baby. This is because I am a grown up and understand that some peoples needs trump others! Anyway, she was late and couldnt come at all but the best man came to the day and did his bit!

Your friend is being massively unreasonable here by clearly telling everybody except for you how much she is irked by your request.

I'm afraid by not replying to you but talking about it to others, she's shown you how little she respects you, for that reason alone I'd tell her to stick her hen do, and her wedding, and her friendship.

Gosh OP the Mumsnet world is so weird!
You've asked an old friend a perfectly reasonable question and have explained that you can't come if your baby can't come too.

The alternative is to turn the invite down and have to give the reason why - because your baby isn't invited.

So surely checking in before you officially decline makes much more sense.

What you did is fine!