AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

She is utterly unreasonable and so are you.

I never did buy into the selfish attitude on the part of some brides. I wanted all my guests to enjoy their day. Seems as if not one shiny shit is given any more. Makes you wonder what is the point of even having guests! Just feck off and do the job somewhere else if you are so bloody precious.

I would want my oldest friend to be at my wedding. That to me is more important that her bringing her baby!

Yeah, that's why she's moaning, obviously.

😂😂😂 I doubt she cares about you considering her unreasonable any more than I do.

No one needs you to ‘buy into’ anything. If someone invites you to something that for whatever reason doesn’t suit you, don’t go. It really isn’t that fucking difficult.

Well then she just shouldn’t turn up? 🤣 of course she should ask! Have you actually got married? If my friend didn’t turn up because she had to breastfeed a baby and I didn’t know then I’d be upset!

She hasn’t moaned about that.

She’s moaned about people failing to respect her clearly stated wishes and pushing for their own preferences. She’s had no issue with people declining, and has in fact readily accepted it.

I would have politely declined saying as of the baby, if they then offer to bring then up to you. I don’t think you need to point out anything more as feels like pressure.

people often ask for child free weddings for a reason (could be a number of reasons even if just want a calmer environment), I think it should be respected especially if a long term friend.

Presumably you'd have specified on the invitation that her children were invited, so there was no room for doubt?

I can’t believe this thread is still going.

It’s really simple. If the bride wanted OP there she would accommodate the baby. She’d also invite her to the wedding ceremony and breakfast. Arguing about pumping and child-hating and calling the bride a dick is peripheral to this. If she wanted to, she would. OP would be wise to recognise that they are not as close as perhaps they once were. It’s sad but it happens.

Oh yeah you're right, she was moaning about a family member being less than thrilled about the fact that the couple have asked them to take their child away from the wedding being held in a galaxy far far away from reasonably priced hotel rooms or babysitters once they've served their purpose as cute flower girl or page boy for the photographs but before the party gets started. And the OP got accidentally caught up in the middle of her "why won't everyone just do what I want!" rant.

Yeah she sounds like a right peach.

@MargotBamborough is keeping it going single handedly. Mainly by repeating herself ad nauseum.

Yes, she was moaning about someone trying to change the wedding to her liking. That isn’t the same thing as moaning about people declining the invite, and nor is it moaning about low attendance. Like I said, if she was particularly worried about either then she’d drop the no children rule.

You seem weirdly committed to this idea that the bride is distraught about invites being declined, and that her wedding will be a miserable one that she will regret. Clearly this is what you desperately want to be true, despite there being nothing to suggest that it is. No one needs, bride included, you to consider her a peach. Your approval of either her and/or her wedding really isn’t important.

It’s really normal to invite babes in arms to weddings. I don’t think it’s u reasonable to ask.

Some people would argue with their toenails.

I think it's actually quite hurtful, and has the potential to create a distance in the friendship.

But some people seem to think that's fine, so long as the bride pleases herself.

Your friend is wrong. You can’t leave your baby. Where you go, baby goes. Either she invited baby or you don’t go. You tried to word it kindly. Unfortunately, until you have an exclusively breastfed baby, people don’t understand. Your baby comes first. You’re an amazing friend to be going to such lengths for the hen do.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with clarifying whether or not babies could attend. I would just decline the invite- I’ve missed weddings (even family weddings) who had no children policies while I was breastfeeding.

Hosts who are ok with babes in arms will convey that to new parents.

It's rude to prompt them. They are well aware of which friends are pregnant.

You misunderstand me. I suspect that the distance in the friendship is already there, and that this situation is a symptom, not a cause.

Your children are not invited. That's that. You have put her in a difficult position. Can you not express breastmilk in advance? I know lots of Mums do this, so the father can help with feeds too, and gives them more free time.

This is a you problem. Either you find the solution, or you don't go.

OP has updated. Please rtft folks.

Yeah, I have a freezer full of breastmilk which I am now giving to my two year old, since my 9 month old refuses to take a bottle.

The point is that if she is making such ludicrous and unreasonable requests of people who are presumably close family and probably don't feel able to just not go, it's hardly surprising she is getting pushback.

‘You’ve time to express and get the baby on a bottle’

1. many many babies do not take bottles (three of my four - one of them very traumatically so when I had to return to work and everybody said she’d just take to it once she realised I wasn’t there … she didn’t)
2. it’s unreasonable to ask if babies are ok to bring, but it is reasonable to ask a woman to change the actual way she feeds her baby just for a wedding? Wow.
3. your situation was very different - somebody just turning up with a baby when they have been asked not to is wildly different than somebody asking beforehand and making it clear they are totally happy either way

She’s made a request for a childfree wedding/evening do. That’s a common request, hardly one in the realm of ludicrous or indeed unreasonable.

Respect someone’s wishes for their wedding, or decline. Again, it’s not fucking difficult.

OK, so if your sister decided to have her wedding in a remote location, i.e. not near any reasonably priced hotel rooms or anyone who could babysit your kids, and requested that you either arrange for someone else to come and pick your kids up at 6pm and take them away, or that you leave with them and miss the evening party, would you find that completely reasonable?

Do you think most people would find that completely reasonable?

Bearing in mind that if the bride were your sister or another close family member, you most likely would not be free to decline without causing massive family fallout.