AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

You definitely sent a very reasonable request. I would phone and have an honest conversation with your friend.
We said no children to our wedding partly because of then having to cater and have someone to look after them all; partly because there was a huge amount of open water and we didn’t want any to fall in and partly because we wanted our friends to have the night off! The only exception were 2 babies who like yours were very young.

Plenty of breastfed babies absolutely do take bottles.

Not all tiny babies take a bottle. Seriously.

I assumed they all did then I had a baby 🤣

anyway, it’s sad but sometimes necessary to go through these situations once you have a child as you realise who’s important.

What I’m going to need to do is get family to stay at a hotel nearby and look after our baby. I’ll have to leave every few hours to breastfeed and then rerun. We’re lucky I can afford this.

Love children at weddings and elderly relatives - personally.. that’s what it is all about…

Sadly no-one gave either of mine the memo!

My h and I were invited to part of a wedding. When I rang to say we couldn't come because we didn't want to leave the baby she said bring him, like she assumed we would. I don't think your message is unreasonable at all. You did nothing wrong. Both sides could miss out unnecessarily. If she's really annoyed over the text then she's being ridiculous.

Yes. Her wedding is no kids. So that means no kids.
Her day, her bill, her rules. Its that simple

I had a mixture myself, just pointing out it's not an absolute impossibility like some posters have suggested.

It's never OK to ask. Putting people on the spot for one's own personal gain is just plain rude.

The bride doesn't want children there, wether they are 10 days or 10 years. Sometimes, as parents, you have to miss out on things because your priority is your children. That's just the way it goes. Trying to worm in and circumvent the hosts' preferences is impolite.

The key word there is personally.

Others don't.

Some do some don't. That was not the point of the post. The point was to highlight that some people do not fully understand what it means to have a baby and what difficulties that entitles

OP obviously read "No children.....except one of mine"

Very good of you to do what you’re doing for the hen do! It would be a hard no from me attending an event like that where I can’t have my baby next to me to feed on demand as they do at that age. We declined a family wedding when DS2 was 8months, he breastfed a lot still we also had a 4yr old DS, no childcare… we politely declined due to no childcare and not wanting to leave my very young baby overnight.

I don’t think YABU at all. You had a valid question, I would love to come but can only attend if baby is allowed to come. If not I will politely decline….

Give the baby some milk and night off !!!

It only drinks breast milk exclusively because its parents have decided that for some unknown reason.

I think it’s clear the invitation is for you and DH only. Plus it’s a night do so why would anyone want to bring kids or a baby. I think it’s down to you, either go or don’t go subject to how hard it is for you. You could express before you go and leave DH with baby given it’s one of your oldest friends? Alternatively if you don’t want to express then I would just send best wishes and not go. I should imagine the bride to be has a lot more in her mind and that’s why she hasn’t answered.

I can’t believe the misogyny in so many of these replies.

When I had just given birth to DD1 we got an invite to a friend’s wedding. It didn’t say anything about children but the RSVP was online and I misunderstood that DD was not invited. It asked to list the people who would be attending. I naively put me, DH and DD and the bride got in touch (very nicely) to say she was so sorry, no children or babies.

I replied to say I was so sorry for the mistake and totally understood, but that we wouldn’t be able to come as DD was breastfed and the wedding was 3 hrs away (at Christmas, too, so not easy to bring others to help). I made sure she knew we totally understood and that we would send a gift and catch up asap after.

She replied and said they got it we would have to bring the baby and just to bring her. We did. Years later after they had their own kids she said she just hadn’t understood how hard it is to leave a small baby, especially BF. Not that I expected her to explain in any way - no kids is totally totally fine!

But my point is, I don’t think you came across as issuing an ultimatum - you simply won’t be able to attend without the baby and you have made it 100% clear that that is absolutely fine by you, but often people do make exceptions for babes in arms and it was worth asking. Tiny babies do not take up seats, so not require meals or entertaining, and can’t easily be left with sitters.

i think your question was fair enough and the bride should at least respond!

Dont go and dont take your baby.
Over 25 years ago I had a child free wedding. A few people couldnt or wouldn't come because of our decision, which we accepted. My bff at the time came, then disappeared after the ceremony and wedding breakfast with her baby. All those other guests who had had to make specific childcare plans to add tend without their children were very upset, she was oblivious flaunting her baby around. In the end it was going to cause problems so I had to send the two of them home. People still refer to her now as 'oh, Sarah who brought her baby to your wedding, she was a nightmare" 25 years later ! No children wedding means all children, including babies, including your baby. You've time to Express and get baby to take a bottle. Do that, but leave baby at home.

Ok, if you were part of the bridal party or even invited to the ceremony I guess I could understand her issue of not wanting a baby there incase he screamed the place down during the ceremony but for heaven sake, it’s a wedding party, a baby needs to be fed, he’s four months old and any “friend” would absolutely realise that. Some people are so fixated by being the bride and therefore the world must stop for the entirety of her plans. Ridiculous. Life still happens and the little one needs his tummy filled, she needs to get over her self and grow up. I would take her silence as a firm no, wouldn’t engage at all and send her a gift wishing her well. Why would you try to talk or reason with her? Her silence is passive aggressive and the fact she has talked to others about your request shows she is a rather self absorbed childish madam who couldn’t afford you the respect of talking her issues over with you directly rather preferring to seek validation that she is right from others in the friendship group and letting them convey her displeasure to you. I agree your request was a wee bit clumsy but it is obvious it was well intended. Cuddle your baby and to hell with her….

I've never heard of putting a baby on an invitation. A bf babe in arms is basically connected to the mother. I think it was nice of you to ask at all and I can't imagine why anyone would say no - why would a baby bother anyone? You are totally NBU. Obviously you need to talk directly to her - if she's an old friend surely she'll be ok if you have a proper conversation? Honestly don't know why brides become so self-centred &, frankly, mad.

This actually made me laugh!!

You don't have much of a clue do you?!!

I can't see the big deal with a babe in arms at an evening reception, or even older children, unless of course people are expecting to be utterly plastered and a danger to them. Can understand that you might be concerned during the ceremony about noise.

One of mine crept up beside my sister at her wedding. I couldn't see from beneath my massive-brimmed hat, and nobody else made a move!! Nobody died!!

I was in the same situation twice. First one I went without baby for an hour only - it was close. Second annoyed me more as missed whole day and then husband told me there was another baby there! I have got over it but still remember it. It doesn't help that had known groom for decades and the wider family are very close, outing to mention but best man/ God parent style links. I was hurt to miss that one but it's only a day. Neither time did the people getting married acknowledge that I didn't have any choice about whether to bring my exclusively breast fed baby or not. So don't hold your breath for understanding! At our wedding we had loads of kids and meal options for those that needed it/ assistance for infirm etc - basically what people needed to be able to come. I think that is a nicer approach personally but if they can't I think it's best just to say you can't come as got baby rather than ask them to change their approach

You sent a very polite request.
The ball is in her court.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You can’t leave a baby who is breastfed for long periods of time and it sounds like you don’t have family near by.
I wouldn’t worry.

Two of my three never accepted a bottle. It happens.

Why should the OP have to get her baby onto a bottle for the sake of a bloody wedding party an hour away?! That's just silly.

Anyway, it's already been decided. The OP isn't going. Wise decision.

Of course I have no clue. That is why I have a teenage daughter and of course, she was born eating meat and two veg 😌

What you fail to see is that either they don't go, which in fact solves all the issues or the baby has a night off the tit and has some good old cows milk or formula or the mother expresses some milk beforehand.

None of those options needs the mother to drag the kid to an adults only event.