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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/10/2023 15:52

ROFL at these posts. Any other thread where a mum is asking this, the answer is always it's fine to ask but expect a no.

So OP did just that.

Bride can be upset and stressed about it if she likes, she doesn't need to be though, she can just say no I'd rather you didn't bring your baby, or yes bring the baby. This is her oldest friend.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 15:58

This is her oldest friend
**

Who was only invited to the evening part of the wedding, so the bride was clearly mindful of the fact that leaving the baby for a whole day might be awkward?

Either that or she's not a particularly close friend, despite the length of the friendship.

AffableApple · 15/10/2023 15:59

Frazzledandfried · 13/10/2023 10:54

4 years ago my DP was best man at his mates wedding. The bride to be invited me to go suit shopping with the blokes, and as soon as we got there sat me down (I was pregnant at the time) and said " we need to talk about the baby." My due date was 4 weeks before the wedding and she was adamant that the baby would not be able to be with me if I was a guest at the wedding. She said we could pay a childminder of their choosing to look after the baby at the venue but it wouldn't be allowed in the church, or at the reception as she didn't want any interruptions. I didnt go, stayed at home bonding with my daughter and we haven't spoken since 🤷‍♀️
No way was I leaving my EBF 4 week old with a total stranger.

As a breastfeeding mother, I fully concur with this bride's actions. She took you aside and had a chat face to face. Gave you a childminding option should you wish to go. You (quite rightly for you and the needs of your child) declined. She wanted the wedding she wanted, and would not be influenced by her partner's choice of best man into having children present. Fair play.

Sighhhhh · 15/10/2023 16:02

YANBU

surreygirl1987 · 15/10/2023 16:26

As a breastfeeding mother, I fully concur with this bride's actions. She took you aside and had a chat face to face. Gave you a childminding option should you wish to go. You (quite rightly for you and the needs of your child) declined. She wanted the wedding she wanted, and would not be influenced by her partner's choice of best man into having children present. Fair play.

I fully agree (and have exclusively breastfed two children). Why on earth haven't you spoken since - how odd! My wedding was child free too, and I didn't take my kids to any weddings when they were babies. Bizarre to lose a friendship over it!

surreygirl1987 · 15/10/2023 16:28

Who was only invited to the evening part of the wedding, so the bride was clearly mindful of the fact that leaving the baby for a whole day might be awkward?
Either that or she's not a particularly close friend, despite the length of the friendship.

Yeh, my oldest friend didn't attend my wedding either (due to childcare issues and it was an adult only wedding). Absolutely fine. Also, although she was my oldest friend, that didn't mean she was close to me any more - hadn't seen her years anyway!

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 16:55

Ramalangadingdong · 15/10/2023 15:01

Either choice is fine, no? What she asked isn’t the worst text that a bride could receive from a friend. Surely you think the best motives from your friends rather than thinking that their whole goal in life is to eff up your plans or make your life difficult? She really wanted to attend the wedding and so was double checking if friend would allow a young baby. If you don’t ask you don’t get.

I have spent my whole life trying to be assertive - to ask for what I want and accept other people’s response. I have always found that hard and respect the op’s polite directness.

Show quote history

One is asking someone to restate a position they’ve already established, whereas the other isn’t putting an onus on the bride. OP knew her child wasn’t invited, so if that means she can’t go then her option is to decline the invite.

I don’t see how this has anything to do with being assertive, unless being assertive means ignoring the clearly stated wishes of others.

YerArseInParsley · 15/10/2023 17:05

Atticustheaardvark · 15/10/2023 13:46

This. Absolutely this.

There was literally almost a punch-up at my wedding because my 3 and 5 year old nieces were there, but no other children.

A work colleague of my DH got the absolute arse about it, and spent a large part of the day chuntering to anyone who would listen that 'only allowing selected children was wrong'. Unfortunately, one of the people she decided to vent to was (unbeknown to her) my brother - the father of said nieces. The row that followed (and at 9pm, booze was probably a factor), quickly turned volatile.

And in case anyone has read this far and thinks this WAS unreasonable of me, the nieces were our bridesmaids, ffs!! 😂

Show quote history

@Atticustheaardvark
Why the hell did your partners work colleague think it was her place to moan about a child free wedding? Is she a close friend? She's not right to complain and lucky she got an invite in the first place. I would have been raging if she moaned to me.

daliesque · 15/10/2023 17:21

*If the bride can't find 30 seconds to reply to a text, especially one as reasonable and nicely worded as the one the OP sent, and especially when the OP is already going to so much effort for her hen do, but she can find at least 20 minutes to whinge about the OP to a mutual friend whilst leaving her on read, she's a bridezilla and a brat.

It would absolutely serve her right if her wedding is less well attended than she is hoping for, if this is how she treats the people close to her.*

This is so hysterical it's just funny now. Fancy that. A random person on the Internet more invested in this thread than the actual,person who started it.

Methinks you need to go to a few childfree weddings and let your hair down love 🤣

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:32

I don’t have children and haven’t read the full thread, so feel free to just ignore me.
But isn't this what breast pumps are for?
You leave the baby at home / in a hotel room with somebody else who can feed them your breast milk from a bottle?

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 17:33

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:32

I don’t have children and haven’t read the full thread, so feel free to just ignore me.
But isn't this what breast pumps are for?
You leave the baby at home / in a hotel room with somebody else who can feed them your breast milk from a bottle?

Yes.

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:39

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 17:33

Yes.

Show quote history

Thanks. Seems like a bit of a no-brainer to me then!

Redburnett · 15/10/2023 17:40

Why would anyone even consider taking a 4 month old baby to an evening wedding do? It seems totally inappropriate to me. Just don't go. Any sensible friend should understand.

ThanksItHasPockets · 15/10/2023 17:41

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:32

I don’t have children and haven’t read the full thread, so feel free to just ignore me.
But isn't this what breast pumps are for?
You leave the baby at home / in a hotel room with somebody else who can feed them your breast milk from a bottle?

In some cases, sure. However, many women who breastfeed very successfully are unable to pump. Even more ebf babies refuse a bottle (I had two of them). Others simply don’t want to leave their baby, which is also perfectly valid.

Most people recognise that having a tiny baby means you can’t do absolutely everything you did before they were born, and that’s OK.

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:42

ThanksItHasPockets · 15/10/2023 17:41

In some cases, sure. However, many women who breastfeed very successfully are unable to pump. Even more ebf babies refuse a bottle (I had two of them). Others simply don’t want to leave their baby, which is also perfectly valid.

Most people recognise that having a tiny baby means you can’t do absolutely everything you did before they were born, and that’s OK.

Show quote history

Fair enough, has the Op already said that it’s not an option for her?

ThanksItHasPockets · 15/10/2023 17:44

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:42

Fair enough, has the Op already said that it’s not an option for her?

Show quote history

I’m not going to read her posts for you. Click on ‘see all’.

pineapplecrushed · 15/10/2023 17:46

who will be looking after the other kids?

DrMarshaFieldstone · 15/10/2023 17:52

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 17:42

Fair enough, has the Op already said that it’s not an option for her?

Show quote history

I think we can safely infer that if it were an option the OP would have had no reason to start the thread.

Woodthroughthetrees · 15/10/2023 17:53

I had this with a wedding. I said to the bride I can't come because my baby was exclusively breastfed (hoping she'd say oh it's ok to bring her). Wedding was 45 minutes away and baby was feeding every two hours. She said oh ok. Then I heard her saying to someone years later that they didn't allow children because of the cost....I nearly said breast milk doesn't cost anything!!!! 😂🤣

Possimpible · 15/10/2023 18:01

@Woodthroughthetrees are you aware you're not the only person/mother in the world..? The bride may have had a lot of guests with children and have felt if she'd allowed your baby she'd have had to allow everyone's child. I know there's the whole 'babes in arms' thing (which I tended to follow at my own wedding) but if someone has a small baby plus a 5 and 7 year old it gets tricky. Multiply that by 10+ guests and it's a nightmare. Also someone else has already posted that some venues include babies in the headcount for fire regulations and may charge accordingly.

Julietta05 · 15/10/2023 18:01

Sorry I clicked the wrong button. You are NOT unreasonable. The problem is that until you have a breastfed child you don't know the problem, the issues around bottle feeding and painfull breasts. I also think that in the UK this horrendous idea of this perfect wedding day being the best thing ever, having everything perfect is complete unrealistic and brides focus too much on the entire idea of perfect wedding rather than whom.they want to spend that day with.

Possimpible · 15/10/2023 18:04

@Julietta05 The problem is that until you have a breastfed child you don't know the problem, the issues around bottle feeding and painfull breasts.

ARGH just because you were clueless before you spawned doesn't make it the case for everyone! Despite being childfree I do have general knowledge

Julietta05 · 15/10/2023 18:06

But not everyone does! Not everyone knows that breastfed babies don't take bottles etc. I was not taking about you so why attacking me????

Woodthroughthetrees · 15/10/2023 18:08

🤣😂 yes I am aware! I don't know anyone that would think 'oh she's brought her 2 month old baby I should have been able to bring my fully grown 5 year old'! Surely it's obvious that the baby (possibly) relies on the mum for food so either she comes or the bride doesn't have that friend there. And she was referring specifically to meal costs in this conversation! So wasn't relevant to my baby.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 18:10

I just wanted my friends to be able to come to my wedding so I let them decide for themselves whether it was easier to bring their children or leave them at home.

One couple left their formula fed three week old at home with a babysitter and another brought their 15 month old who had never been away from them overnight before. I barely noticed she was there.