AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

If the bride can't find 30 seconds to reply to a text, especially one as reasonable and nicely worded as the one the OP sent, and especially when the OP is already going to so much effort for her hen do, but she can find at least 20 minutes to whinge about the OP to a mutual friend whilst leaving her on read, she's a bridezilla and a brat.

It would absolutely serve her right if her wedding is less well attended than she is hoping for, if this is how she treats the people close to her.

Her bitchiness, you say.... Having bitched incessantly on this thread about a person you don't know having a conversation you weren't privy to (and the nature of which you have made up in your own head), regarding her own wedding.

This is a discussion on an internet discussion board.

If you were so pleased to have her baby in attendance, you should have included them in the invitation. Very odd that you didn't.

Well, so it is. My point still stands.

But I don't owe the OP's friend anything. I have no connection to her and can therefore call a spade a spade (or a bridezilla a bridezilla).

The bride does owe the OP something. A little respect and consideration, since they are old friends.

Me saying the bride is a brat on Mumsnet is of no consequence.

Her bitching about one of her supposedly close friends in real life does have consequences.

What, without checking if her good friend would mind? I get that the bride is probably stressed out but the op’s request was totally fine imo. Most of us would think nothing of it.

Just seen your update OP - well done! I think you’ve handled this well.

Yes. Because the bride has been clear about the wedding party being childfree. Op already knew the answer to the question she asked.

Instead of asking the bride to repeat herself, she could have declined and stated why, leaving the ball in the bride’s court to say ‘actually, you can bring your baby’ if she chose to.

I know there's hundreds of replies on here, but can someone tell me if I'm missing the point completely?

Surely if you've received an invite to a wedding that doesn't include your children, and attending would be difficult because of the needs of your baby, then why wouldn't you just graciously decline and state that as the (very valid) reason? Messaging the bride to basically say 'if you can't make an exception for me, I can't come" would massively piss me off, to be honest.

Apologies in advance if it is my mistake, but I don't think the OP did know the answer to the question when she asked it.

A baby isn't the same as kids. Kids run round and are a nuisance and get in the way and cry and have tantrums. They can be SO annoying at a wedding, especially in the evening, so it's quite normal to say no kids at the evening bit.

A baby however isn't really any bother. They spend the entire evening in a sling, sleeping or eating, and if they cry or start to fuss then they can easily be removed in a few seconds. I don't really see why brides make such a big fuss about babies!

Not going would be the easiest option here so I think you've gone with the sensible option.

No, you're not missing the point at all.
Some people are absolutely adamant that an invitation can be addressed to a person / people, and somehow secretly include all manner of other people as well - so all invitations have to be forensically examined and clarified.

If she can read, she knew.

Of course she must have known. The fact the invite was addressed to A & B and not A, B plus C, D & E would have been a big, fat clue!

Haven't read the full thread but surely your oldest friend would invite you the whole wedding?

Apparently not. It doesn't sound like her oldest friend is massively bothered about her attending tbh.

Ah, so that's why so many seniors in our population have a dusty old magnifying glass nestling in their sideboards. It's obviously a relic from many wedding invites spanning decades, that all needed to scrutinised for clues about the invitees!

"Because the bride has been clear about the wedding party being childfree. Op already knew the answer to the question she asked."

Apologies I should have quoted the first sentence.

I wasn't aware that the bride had been clear about the wedding party being childfree when the OP asked her if her baby could come too.

Practices/etiquette clearly vary, or perhaps I am just clueless.
When I posted much earlier in the thread that I thought invitations to a woman included any babe in arms, I wasn't being goady. That was my genuine belief. It might be no-one shares my belief and/or I am long out of date, but I am still genuinely surprised that so many people wouldn't accommodate a young baby who has to be with their mothers.
Why invite a friend, if you know she can't come.

Well done for contacting bride again

Glad it wasn't your message as such that tipped her over the edge

We have been to a wedding with dd 6/7mths daytime but all children gone by 7pm. This was made clear

We got someone to pick up dd from venue and take home /bed /babysit

Have A nice time at the hen do

Either choice is fine, no? What she asked isn’t the worst text that a bride could receive from a friend. Surely you think the best motives from your friends rather than thinking that their whole goal in life is to eff up your plans or make your life difficult? She really wanted to attend the wedding and so was double checking if friend would allow a young baby. If you don’t ask you don’t get.

I have spent my whole life trying to be assertive - to ask for what I want and accept other people’s response. I have always found that hard and respect the op’s polite directness.

I just don’t get some of the replies on this thread. Firstly, babies are children; EBF babies are not some mystical exception. Think, if someone asks if you have children you don’t say “two children and one baby” you say “three kids” therefore baby not included in invitation if kids excluded. It is extremely rude to rock up at an event (paid for by someone else) with additional attendees of any age not included on invite - most wedding venues work to a headcount and this really could add unanticipated cost; never mind not wanting eight year olds doing knee slides across the dance floor and wailing infants all over the shop. Also, is an evening reception somewhere you want to take a small baby? Surely far to noisy and stressful for them? If the OP can’t express milk and leave baby for a few hours then she should have just refused, saying sorry, can’t leave baby due to BF. This would leave door open for friend to tell her to bring baby. Asking to bring baby when kids already excluded puts bride/groom in position of refusing old friend and being the baddie. Just contact her and say you understand it’s no children at all and arrange a meet up more suitable after the wedding.

Just read the update, im glad the bride has felt okay to say no. What a pity she is having multiple people get in touch about bringing children. I think a wedding isnt really a place for a baby or small child, you wouldnt normally take a baby on a night out party and if you were going for cocktails with girl friends it would change the mood if someone insisted they brought along a baby. It is a shame you will miss out op but you have made the choice you wont express and bride has made her choice of no babies. Hopefully you can do something nice to celebrate another time, as you say.

For me the needs of an exclusively bf baby come first, closest friend or not. It sounds like you are going the extra mile to be at the hen do having DH be nearby ready to call you when you need to feed baby and no I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask to have your baby at the wedding evening if you don’t have anyone nearby that can help. Get why ppl have child free weddings as it adds to cost to seat and feed them and prevents the adults from really letting their hair down but anyone that denies a bf baby is an arsehole in my opinion.

I think your response was good. Some people count babies as kids, others don't because they aren't running around etc..

I don't think she should be annoyed at you. The only other thing you could do was decline but then she might still be annoyed at that.