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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:16

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:07

Or, barring two, they’re all fine with it.

Edited
Show quote history

Unlikely, I think.

Even regardless of kids, if I received an evening invite for a wedding that wasn't local to me I honestly could not be arsed.

GreyWednesday · 15/10/2023 11:18

jamjar3 · 15/10/2023 09:38

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your children aren't on the invite so they aren't invited.
Wether you have a 4month old child or not makes no difference to the fact its still a child.

You breastfeed big deal. Exclusively = that's your choice but don't force people to change their plans because you don't want others to bond with child during feeding <<< because that's a thing.

I breastfed my son but I also pumped to allow my partner and other family members to create a bond with him also.

Your comment comes across as very self entitled.

And she can't be that much of an old friend...

My oldest friend would be included in everything as that's what oldest friends do. You don't seem to know much about the wedding which makes me think the person is more of an old acquaintance than oldest friend.

You don’t need to bottle feed babies in order to create a bond with them. You can do that by singing to your baby, cuddling them, playing with them, bathing them… hopefully this wasn’t an idea that was put in your head by your partner or your baby’s grandparents?

And oldest doesn’t mean best, or closest. It means oldest.

daliesque · 15/10/2023 11:20

I'd guess you're also not as judgemental as the person with the 'you must be fun at parties' sort of comment (because that's what her comment is akin to)......

I think threads like this tend to show that there are two types of people: ones who can't believe adults can have fun without children around and ones who know they can. I'm firmly in the latter camp because to me when children are present at a party the whole party revolves around them. That's cool if it's a child's party, but if it's an adult one then it's annoying.

I think there's also an element of life stage as well. My partner and I are in our 50's and when we marry next year it will be the second time for both of us. Both of our first times were dominated by family expectations and, in my case at least, fucking masses of family members who all have fucking masses of badly behaved brats. My first wedding was hell. His first wedding was hell for similar reasons.

This wedding is for us and the people who we have in our lives who, apart from my sister and father and his parents and kids, are our friends. His kids won't come to our wedding as we don't get on and they are the on,y people who are in the age bracket for having young kids. The rest of our guests either don't have kids or have older kids. Our guest list will reflect our lives - which has no young children in it. So actually the joke about the bouncer is just a joke....but then maybe not, thinking about some of my family members who tried to make my mothers funeral all about them...

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:22

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:16

Unlikely, I think.

Even regardless of kids, if I received an evening invite for a wedding that wasn't local to me I honestly could not be arsed.

Show quote history

Well, we have no idea on that one, so you’re free to imagine them occupying whatever part of the emotional spectrum you desire them to.

and that’s fine - you’d be free to decline. That’s the point: if it doesn’t suit you then, instead of trying to change it to something the actual organizers explicitly don’t want, don’t go.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:24

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:22

Well, we have no idea on that one, so you’re free to imagine them occupying whatever part of the emotional spectrum you desire them to.

and that’s fine - you’d be free to decline. That’s the point: if it doesn’t suit you then, instead of trying to change it to something the actual organizers explicitly don’t want, don’t go.

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Well yes. I think it's quite likely that a lot of people have declined and the bride is unhappy about it, which is why she ignored the OP's text and the OP heard she was annoyed via a third party.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:25

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:24

Well yes. I think it's quite likely that a lot of people have declined and the bride is unhappy about it, which is why she ignored the OP's text and the OP heard she was annoyed via a third party.

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Are we just making things up now?

She’s unhappy because she’s had two people simultaneously trying to get her to change her wedding plans.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:29

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:25

Are we just making things up now?

She’s unhappy because she’s had two people simultaneously trying to get her to change her wedding plans.

Show quote history

The OP didn't try to get her to change her wedding plans. She asked if her baby could come and said it was fine if not, it would just mean that they would need to decline.

That's a perfectly reasonable message, definitely better than just saying, "no, we're not coming", and there was no reason for the bride to not reply or to badmouth her to someone else.

Her reaction (as well as what the OP has told us about the wedding plans, which sound like an absolute ball ache for a lot of people) suggests that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 11:37

Look a bride and groom are entitled to have a child free wedding if that’s why they want. It’s their special day so it’s up to them, no one else.

it really is that simple.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:37

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:29

The OP didn't try to get her to change her wedding plans. She asked if her baby could come and said it was fine if not, it would just mean that they would need to decline.

That's a perfectly reasonable message, definitely better than just saying, "no, we're not coming", and there was no reason for the bride to not reply or to badmouth her to someone else.

Her reaction (as well as what the OP has told us about the wedding plans, which sound like an absolute ball ache for a lot of people) suggests that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Show quote history

lol, you are imagining whatever shit best suits your narrative.

OP could have just declined the invite and stated her reasoning, which would have left it in the bride’s court without requiring her to restate something she’d already made clear.

Two people taking issue with an aspect of your wedding is annoying, especially when you’ve got both doing it at the same time. We also don’t know what she was trying to get on with doing at the same time as fielding these complaints. There really doesn’t need to be a bigger iceberg, however fun that may be to imagine.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 11:38

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:24

Well yes. I think it's quite likely that a lot of people have declined and the bride is unhappy about it, which is why she ignored the OP's text and the OP heard she was annoyed via a third party.

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@MargotBamborough

why are you making things up?

daliesque · 15/10/2023 12:00

why are you making things up?
Because, like a number of posters on here, this one desperately wants the poor bride and groom in this situation to have no one turn up to their wedding because they have made a perfectly reasonable request, that part of their wedding is childfree.

See also comments about how long it will last and how miserable and soulless said wedding will be. All because the couple hosting it, getting married, probably paying for it, would like to have an evening reception that is just for adults.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 12:03

daliesque · 15/10/2023 12:00

why are you making things up?
Because, like a number of posters on here, this one desperately wants the poor bride and groom in this situation to have no one turn up to their wedding because they have made a perfectly reasonable request, that part of their wedding is childfree.

See also comments about how long it will last and how miserable and soulless said wedding will be. All because the couple hosting it, getting married, probably paying for it, would like to have an evening reception that is just for adults.

The notion that a party (held in the evening; complete with booze, music, all the other elements of a decent party) would be miserable and soulless without babies present is actually quite funny 😂
What are some people on??

Parker231 · 15/10/2023 12:04

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:24

Well yes. I think it's quite likely that a lot of people have declined and the bride is unhappy about it, which is why she ignored the OP's text and the OP heard she was annoyed via a third party.

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We had a 100% no babies and children wedding - no one declined. Most people (apart from some on Mn) respect the wishes of the bride and groom.

Ramalangadingdong · 15/10/2023 12:07

Crafthead · 15/10/2023 08:14

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?) but your friend obviously thinks differently and wants a different type of wedding. That's her prerogative but if your red lines are around not leaving a tiny breastfed baby - mine were still.feeding very frequently at that age and refused expressed milk from a bottle so also could not have been left - you should stay away. You could suggest you send husband solo as an emissary if you think non attendance will cause a ruck but essentially her boundary is no kids including your baby and yours is not leaving the baby which is not resolvable.

Edited

I agree with you. I don’t get all the fuss about babies crying. They’re only tinies. It’s not like the noise we adults make when we kick off.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/10/2023 12:10

"Even regardless of kids, if I received an evening invite for a wedding that wasn't local to me I honestly could not be arsed."

💯 this!!

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:10

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:37

lol, you are imagining whatever shit best suits your narrative.

OP could have just declined the invite and stated her reasoning, which would have left it in the bride’s court without requiring her to restate something she’d already made clear.

Two people taking issue with an aspect of your wedding is annoying, especially when you’ve got both doing it at the same time. We also don’t know what she was trying to get on with doing at the same time as fielding these complaints. There really doesn’t need to be a bigger iceberg, however fun that may be to imagine.

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So she was just being damn rude to ignore the OP's message then?

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:12

Parker231 · 15/10/2023 12:04

We had a 100% no babies and children wedding - no one declined. Most people (apart from some on Mn) respect the wishes of the bride and groom.

Show quote history

All that means is that you didn't have any guests who, like the OP, were unable to leave their young babies for that length of time.

Again, there's nothing wrong with a child free wedding. But you need to be gracious if people can't make it.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 11:38

@MargotBamborough

why are you making things up?

Show quote history

I'm not making stuff up.

I'm speculating about why the bride, who has chosen to have the kind of wedding that some of her guests won't be able to attend, might be so rude as to ignore the OP's message and then slag her off to someone else.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 12:18

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:12

All that means is that you didn't have any guests who, like the OP, were unable to leave their young babies for that length of time.

Again, there's nothing wrong with a child free wedding. But you need to be gracious if people can't make it.

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Who said she isn’t gracious about people declining? People HAVEN’T declined, they’ve instead asked her to change something to suit them. THAT is what she was annoyed about, not them declining.

You’re trying to make this situation fit the initial long ass post you made about something that hasn’t in fact happened.

Ididivfama · 15/10/2023 12:19

This thread is HILARIOUS and completely mumsnet 🤣🤣🤣

why is this such a big deal?

Perhaps the bride forgot the baby was breastfeeding? Makes sense the guest asks! Where I’ve been breastfeeding babies are an exception. Maybe this is the same, maybe it isn’t.
If the bride is this pathetic the I’d very happily stay home!

People are so miserable. Have fun with whatever you decide op 😊

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:22

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 12:18

Who said she isn’t gracious about people declining? People HAVEN’T declined, they’ve instead asked her to change something to suit them. THAT is what she was annoyed about, not them declining.

You’re trying to make this situation fit the initial long ass post you made about something that hasn’t in fact happened.

Show quote history

The OP said, "Is it OK if I bring my baby because s/he is too young to be separated from me? If not, that's fine, we won't be able to make it though."

The gracious reply would have been, "Sorry to hear that but unfortunately the wedding is completely child and baby free. Never mind!"

Not radio silence and the OP hearing via a third party that the bride has been bitching about her.

It's especially unpleasant given how much time and effort and expense the OP is going to for the hen do.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 12:23

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:10

So she was just being damn rude to ignore the OP's message then?

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She didn’t want to deal with it right then and there, and/or restate something she’s already made clear.

I wouldn’t be bothered about being ‘damn rude’ either in that situation tbh.

YerArseInParsley · 15/10/2023 12:23

@Xandria22
Although I don't think you done anything wrong, I think you gave too much information. Just a simple ask if baby could come as you're breastfeeding would have been enough. The bride probably read that as an ultimatum. I would reach out in person and apologise if your message came across as rude and that wasn't your intentions.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 12:24

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:22

The OP said, "Is it OK if I bring my baby because s/he is too young to be separated from me? If not, that's fine, we won't be able to make it though."

The gracious reply would have been, "Sorry to hear that but unfortunately the wedding is completely child and baby free. Never mind!"

Not radio silence and the OP hearing via a third party that the bride has been bitching about her.

It's especially unpleasant given how much time and effort and expense the OP is going to for the hen do.

Show quote history

😂

The gracious response by OP would have been to decline the invitation on the basis of it not suiting her needs, rather than questioning something already made clear.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 12:25

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 12:23

She didn’t want to deal with it right then and there, and/or restate something she’s already made clear.

I wouldn’t be bothered about being ‘damn rude’ either in that situation tbh.

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So she had time to whinge about the OP to another friend but not 30 seconds to compose a quick reply to a text?

When the friend in question cares so much about her that she has organised childcare for two older children and is getting her husband and baby to stay in a hotel room where the hen do is being held so she can still attend?

Pull the other one.

Either way, this is a friend I'd be bothering with a bit less in the future.