Page 21 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Xandria22 · 2023-10-13T09:21:02+00:00

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids! We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’ We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request. The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him). I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

Sigmama · 15/10/2023 08:58

Starlightlime, no that's not how I live my life, i was spesking from the brides perspective, as it has been done to me, and I was so busy enjoying my wedding day it made not a jot of difference

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 09:04

Crafthead · 15/10/2023 08:14

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?) but your friend obviously thinks differently and wants a different type of wedding. That's her prerogative but if your red lines are around not leaving a tiny breastfed baby - mine were still.feeding very frequently at that age and refused expressed milk from a bottle so also could not have been left - you should stay away. You could suggest you send husband solo as an emissary if you think non attendance will cause a ruck but essentially her boundary is no kids including your baby and yours is not leaving the baby which is not resolvable.

Edited

@Crafthead

errr the adults start the dancing! No kids needed

Confusion101 · 15/10/2023 09:06

@Crafthead at every wedding I've ever been at the bride and groom started the dancing, followed by the adult guests 😂

Warum · 15/10/2023 09:15

Confusion101 · 15/10/2023 08:53

Threads like this always remind me how much I despise the phrase "babes in arms" 😂😂😂😂

I had honestly never heard it before, but disliked it immediately upon hearing it!

Strictlymad · 15/10/2023 09:21

I think you are getting abit of a hard time tbh, I think there’s nothing wrong with the working of your message, it’s not a ultimatum it’s saying this is the situation but we totally understand! If you hadn’t put that, then she said no and you send back sorry we can’t come then that sounds worse like you are now throwing a strop over it (even though you aren’t). I also do think text better than in person so she can think and doesn’t feel pressured on the spot (she can also ask hubby to be too). I also don’t think the fact newborn wasn’t on the invite means take it as given baby not welcome as if she’s child free she may just not have thought about logistics of leaving a little one who’s breastfed and how that might impact your attendance so good for you to ask and check. If you just turned it down and she asks why and you say she may have said well of course being a baby! You have done nothing wrong! Personal choice on weddings of course but personally I wouldn’t miss out on an old friend coming over having a baby free wedding!

Rewis · 15/10/2023 09:27

Reading between the lines, the OP's friend has chosen to plan a wedding which is difficult for people with children to attend, and now she's getting upset that some of them are not attending

I didn't get the vibe she was upset with people nit attending. Just that they were pushing back on the decision.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 15/10/2023 09:29

Warum · 15/10/2023 09:15

I had honestly never heard it before, but disliked it immediately upon hearing it!

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There have been whole threads quibbling over the definition. On one the OP wanted to be told that she could take her 2yo to her a wedding which permitted babes-in-arms only and was not best pleased to be told that she was a CF.

Warum · 15/10/2023 09:32

DrMarshaFieldstone · 15/10/2023 09:29

There have been whole threads quibbling over the definition. On one the OP wanted to be told that she could take her 2yo to her a wedding which permitted babes-in-arms only and was not best pleased to be told that she was a CF.

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What a shame I missed those threads....😂

jamjar3 · 15/10/2023 09:33

Babies are children.
What on earth possess you to think they aren't.

jamjar3 · 15/10/2023 09:38

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your children aren't on the invite so they aren't invited.
Wether you have a 4month old child or not makes no difference to the fact its still a child.

You breastfeed big deal. Exclusively = that's your choice but don't force people to change their plans because you don't want others to bond with child during feeding <<< because that's a thing.

I breastfed my son but I also pumped to allow my partner and other family members to create a bond with him also.

Your comment comes across as very self entitled.

And she can't be that much of an old friend...

My oldest friend would be included in everything as that's what oldest friends do. You don't seem to know much about the wedding which makes me think the person is more of an old acquaintance than oldest friend.

NikNak321 · 15/10/2023 09:43

Tbh I wouldn't take a baby to the night do...just not right place for a baby anyway 👍 I went to a wedding when my baby was about 3 months to the full day, but I made my excuses by 9pm when the party got off the ground, as it was not the right environment for a little one (no kids & adult feel to it) 😊

I think there is no confusion...the invite had no children on it. No children are invited. However if you really want to go I would try expressing and using both bottles occasionally as well as boob from now, so your little one is able to boob and bottle feed with breast milk. Then you can leave little one with the hubby and parrrttay knowing he will be fed on your milk 👍😉 Mam bottles are a good shape 👍 I think doing that personally after 3 months is the best approach anyway, as it maintains the breastfeeding experience for as long as poss. As you get to have breaks and do things separately; whilst maintaining your breast feeding journey. If you exclusively nipple feed too long your little one will not bottle feed at all likely and although that suits now; you may actually want breaks further down the line. I would say now is probably the perfect time to try this as the breast is properly established.

However if this doesn't interest you at all and you just want to boob feed (plenty do and if your not bothered about having me time it's not an issue); then I would just say your unable to attend 👍

Pantherbinks · 15/10/2023 09:50

I have been in the same position for a wedding, where we were going for the day. DS was exclusively breastfed, he also at the time had undiagnosed food allergies giving him lots of tummy troubles so he physically couldn’t take a bottle. Couple were also not that keen, and worried about opening flood gates to other kids. It turned out they didn’t really understand that he was so young he wouldn’t need to be catered, have a high chair etc. or that a baby could be so dependent. They talked through with other friends and family, and came to realise it was reasonable. In the end there were 3 small babies at the wedding, but no other children, and it worked out fine for all.

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 09:50

IHateWasps · 15/10/2023 08:54

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?)

I've read a lot of stupid shit on MN in my time but this takes the whole dessert trolley. WTAF do you do think happens at adult only events like work night outs? Do you think everyone just stands there looking forlornly at the dance floor until they're saved by a passing random toddler who has to go in and show everyone how it's done?

🤣🤣🤣

chachachachangesoolala · 15/10/2023 09:59

jamjar3 · 15/10/2023 09:38

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your children aren't on the invite so they aren't invited.
Wether you have a 4month old child or not makes no difference to the fact its still a child.

You breastfeed big deal. Exclusively = that's your choice but don't force people to change their plans because you don't want others to bond with child during feeding <<< because that's a thing.

I breastfed my son but I also pumped to allow my partner and other family members to create a bond with him also.

Your comment comes across as very self entitled.

And she can't be that much of an old friend...

My oldest friend would be included in everything as that's what oldest friends do. You don't seem to know much about the wedding which makes me think the person is more of an old acquaintance than oldest friend.

Whoa that's a bit of a stretch!
I remember my SIL marking a comment to me about leaving DH out because I was BFing. She didn't bf at all and found my choice odd so was finding ways to imply that it was wrong and weird.
I ignored her, as it's clearly a ridiculous thing to say.

TeamSleep · 15/10/2023 10:02

@jamjar3 just to educate you a bit on other possible reasons women exclusively breastfed. Some women can’t express (it was like trying to get blood from a stone for me!) and some babies won’t take a bottle (I had this too when I started to try and introduce a bit of formula so DH could help with feeding as I was absolutely exhausted). I would have loved to share the feeding experience with my DH but it wasn’t possible. I tried. So just bear that in mind when you’re throwing around judgmental rubbish on here.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 10:06

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 08:24

I don't think there's anything wrong with either approach but if you want a child free wedding you really have to own it and not be upset if some of your nearest and dearest can't make it.

And I do think it's a good idea to be realistic about what sort of friends and family you have when you make your decision. If no one has young children, or the ones who do are the ones whose non attendance you wouldn't be that upset about, crack on. If your sister has three children under the age of five and two of your close friends have babies under 6 months, you need to ask yourself whether the childfree wedding you are imagining is really worth the potential heartache of falling out with loved ones or having people you are close to unable to make it.

Reading between the lines, the OP's friend has chosen to plan a wedding which is difficult for people with children to attend, and now she's getting upset that some of them are not attending, or are objecting to being required to take family children home at 6pm and miss out on the rest of the wedding they've gone to great effort and expense to attend. I suspect that these disagreements will end up casting a shadow over her day, and years from now, depending on her personality type she'll either still be resentful that people didn't make more effort, or she'll wish she'd been more relaxed about children.

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Except the bride is owning it.

Her issue isn’t that people can’t attend due to the childfree nature of the wedding, it’s that she had two people pushing back on it in quick succession.

daliesque · 15/10/2023 10:58

You sound a complete joy to be around

Why thank you. My friends certainly think so.

Tigermearns · 15/10/2023 10:58

I think you handled it perfectly and seeing the update too, I hope she does meet up and show wedding photos with you.

Warum · 15/10/2023 10:59

daliesque · 15/10/2023 10:58

You sound a complete joy to be around

Why thank you. My friends certainly think so.

I'd guess you're also not as judgemental as the person with the 'you must be fun at parties' sort of comment (because that's what her comment is akin to)......

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 10:59

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 10:06

Except the bride is owning it.

Her issue isn’t that people can’t attend due to the childfree nature of the wedding, it’s that she had two people pushing back on it in quick succession.

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If that were the case she would have just politely replied, "No, sorry, not even breastfed babies" to the OP rather than ignoring her message and then slagging her off to someone else. She's clearly salty that the majority of her guests aren't as thrilled about her wedding arrangements as she is. And for what it's worth, if my sister or sister in law or whoever wanted me to bring my kids to the day part of her wedding and then take them home before the evening do when she'd chosen to get married far away from anywhere I would make my feelings about that known as well.

daliesque · 15/10/2023 10:59

I’m assuming because someone would hire a bouncer for their wedding that they’re an unpleasant person yes.

Why? It was actually a joke, but I'm interested to know why. Actually I, not because I don't really care what you think of me 🤷‍♀️

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:03

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 10:59

If that were the case she would have just politely replied, "No, sorry, not even breastfed babies" to the OP rather than ignoring her message and then slagging her off to someone else. She's clearly salty that the majority of her guests aren't as thrilled about her wedding arrangements as she is. And for what it's worth, if my sister or sister in law or whoever wanted me to bring my kids to the day part of her wedding and then take them home before the evening do when she'd chosen to get married far away from anywhere I would make my feelings about that known as well.

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‘The majority of her guests’? I wasn’t aware she’d only asked three people to attend.

Rather than simply decline the invite, two people, in quick succession, decided to pick at her about her wedding arrangements. That isn’t someone that has an issue with them declining to attend, that’s someone that has an issue with people trying to alter her wedding to their liking.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:03

jamjar3 · 15/10/2023 09:38

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your children aren't on the invite so they aren't invited.
Wether you have a 4month old child or not makes no difference to the fact its still a child.

You breastfeed big deal. Exclusively = that's your choice but don't force people to change their plans because you don't want others to bond with child during feeding <<< because that's a thing.

I breastfed my son but I also pumped to allow my partner and other family members to create a bond with him also.

Your comment comes across as very self entitled.

And she can't be that much of an old friend...

My oldest friend would be included in everything as that's what oldest friends do. You don't seem to know much about the wedding which makes me think the person is more of an old acquaintance than oldest friend.

What a lot of nonsense about breastfeeding.

I breastfed both my children exactly the same way. My son took a bottle with zero issues. My daughter refuses completely.

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:05

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:03

‘The majority of her guests’? I wasn’t aware she’d only asked three people to attend.

Rather than simply decline the invite, two people, in quick succession, decided to pick at her about her wedding arrangements. That isn’t someone that has an issue with them declining to attend, that’s someone that has an issue with people trying to alter her wedding to their liking.

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Well we know that she has close family and friends with children who are attending the day part but have been asked to fuck off before the evening event and friends who have been invited to the evening do when it's in the middle of nowhere and they weren't deemed special enough to be there for the whole day. So that's a lot of people who are probably feeling quite lukewarm about the whole thing.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/10/2023 11:07

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 11:05

Well we know that she has close family and friends with children who are attending the day part but have been asked to fuck off before the evening event and friends who have been invited to the evening do when it's in the middle of nowhere and they weren't deemed special enough to be there for the whole day. So that's a lot of people who are probably feeling quite lukewarm about the whole thing.

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Or, barring two, they’re all fine with it.