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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 14/10/2023 10:26

I think you did nothing wrong at all, of course you can't go with an EBF baby! You gave her the choice to have you there or not, which in these circumstances is totally understandable. Bride is being very sensitive.

pinkyredrose · 14/10/2023 10:28

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 13/10/2023 15:00

Why on earth would she be stressed, it's a just a party 😂

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🙄

Hugosauras · 14/10/2023 10:30

I hate this whole - no kids at weddings/no breastfed babes in arms. It's intolerant and self absorbed. It's rather bridezilla if you ask me and shows a total lack of empathy for others. I bet that once she has a baby of her own, she would soon change her tune. If she wants you there, then she will invite the baby too and if she doesn't, then she won't. If she decides to put her perfect day over a celebration with friends and family, then more fool her. She is missing out.

Edinburgal · 14/10/2023 10:30

I think your message is very rude. You aee basically giving her an ultimatum rather than asking a question waiting for a reply and apologising. And the final sentence about you not being offended and wishing her all the best is very poorly worded. I can see why she has taken it badly. I hate these threads, if you cant come dont go. She doesn't want kids or babies at her wedding.

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 10:33

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 10:12

Weddings were traditionally a celebration of a business arrangement, with marriage having little to do with love. Traditions change.

In regards to aesthetics - it’s not as if the ‘wedding’ tag on Instagram doesn't include thousands of photos of perfectly styled and posed children. As far as that criticism goes, if you’re going to level it, it’s not one exclusive to childfree events.

A lot of people do indeed dream of their perfect wedding day, even if it is something they only intend to have happen once. Tbf that gives even more reason to have it to exact specifications, given that there’s no expectation of a do over.

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To be fair- rich people’s weddings were a business arrangement. For the poor it was survival. But there has always at least been the aspiration that it was about love. Even if it often wasn’t.

on the aesthetics- of course it’s not exclusive to child free events. But I think it’s fair to say if your main aim is to have the people you love around you, then you need to expect they are also people with lives.

I just can’t believe that someone’s enjoyment of their day hinges on whether someone brings a 4 month old. Especially when the people attending are there out of respect for the bride and groom. No -one chooses an evening out with a baby for their own sake.

as I said, what wedding has been ruined by the presence of a tiny baby?

Koalasparkles · 14/10/2023 10:36

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:48

If the invite didn't explicitly say that it's an adult only event, of course YANBU for asking.

We had kids at our wedding but we didn't put all the kids names on the invites (we didn't even know all their names!) We just assumed people would know their children are invited as the default, because we didn't state 'adults only'. No one contacted us to clarify, they just brought their kids.

I think it's very immature of her to not reply to you, especially when she was vague on the invitation. It would be easy to respond politely saying that it's an adult only event and that she understands you can't make it.

Oh no, see we did the opposite. We had a "kid free" wedding apart from some exceptions (nieces/nephews and v young babies), therefore we did not state on the invitations that it was a kid free wedding as that wasn't strictly true - we just put the people we were inviting on the invitation. Why would you assume that kids are invited if they're not on the invite? I never would. At a sit-down meal that's an added cost and most people need to know numbers as the venue has limited numbers and you have to tell them in advance how many and what food they are having. If unsure, I would ask. I'm surprised your guests just assumed their kids were welcome with no indication at all.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 10:40

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 10:33

To be fair- rich people’s weddings were a business arrangement. For the poor it was survival. But there has always at least been the aspiration that it was about love. Even if it often wasn’t.

on the aesthetics- of course it’s not exclusive to child free events. But I think it’s fair to say if your main aim is to have the people you love around you, then you need to expect they are also people with lives.

I just can’t believe that someone’s enjoyment of their day hinges on whether someone brings a 4 month old. Especially when the people attending are there out of respect for the bride and groom. No -one chooses an evening out with a baby for their own sake.

as I said, what wedding has been ruined by the presence of a tiny baby?

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The idea that marriage should be founded in love is a relatively recent development. I’m not sure what weight we’re assigning to tradition here anyway, given that peer pressure from the dead can be as meaningful or as meaningless as you want it to be.

You’re missing the point - your standards are just that: yours. Unless it’s your wedding, your preferences aren’t the most important of considerations. You don’t have to understand why someone wouldn’t want a tiny baby at their wedding, because someone else’s wedding is not required to be tailored to you.

Koalasparkles · 14/10/2023 10:40

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:56

I had planned on going to the hen do.
It’s a meal and party at a big hotel - we will not be the only people there.
I have booked a room where DH will stay and text me to come up when he needs feeding. (DS not DH) there are quite a lot of us going so I don’t think I would be missed if I have to nip out.
Bride will never see either of them if it all goes to plan

If you really want to go to the wedding, could you not do the same thing for it?

hellohellothere · 14/10/2023 10:40

If she doesn't want children there that's her choice. If you can't go without your baby then don't go.

Verbena17 · 14/10/2023 10:40

A really good friend wouldn’t mind at all - your baby is exclusively bf and so she’s being a total cow.

What this shows you she is totally happy for you to not go to her evening do.
So…perhaps she’s not as good a friend as you think she is and you’d be better off without her.

Sennelier1 · 14/10/2023 10:47

Maybe you could take a hotelroom nearby and have your mum or a close friend there with the baby? They message you when baby wants you?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 14/10/2023 10:48

I think it’s reasonable for you to ask and lay out the situation. I wouldn’t read it as an ultimatum if coming from a good friend just how the situation is. If she’s a good friend you should be able to have that conversation. There will be cases when people will turn down invitations when the bride would have been happy to accommodate a baby. I thought I couldn’t go to a wedding as my baby wasn’t on invite but later found out it was fine to bring him.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 10:49

Sennelier1 · 14/10/2023 10:47

Maybe you could take a hotelroom nearby and have your mum or a close friend there with the baby? They message you when baby wants you?

I don't know why someone would go to the effort or the expense for a night time invite. Expecting them to do that is very very self absorbed.

M4J4 · 14/10/2023 10:49

Sennelier1 · 14/10/2023 10:47

Maybe you could take a hotelroom nearby and have your mum or a close friend there with the baby? They message you when baby wants you?

Hardly seems worth all that expense just to attend the evening do. OP’s not invited to the actual wedding, which she’s fine with. But she has hotel expenses for the hen and shouldn’t have to fork out for the evening do as well.

Warum · 14/10/2023 10:55

Hugosauras · 14/10/2023 10:30

I hate this whole - no kids at weddings/no breastfed babes in arms. It's intolerant and self absorbed. It's rather bridezilla if you ask me and shows a total lack of empathy for others. I bet that once she has a baby of her own, she would soon change her tune. If she wants you there, then she will invite the baby too and if she doesn't, then she won't. If she decides to put her perfect day over a celebration with friends and family, then more fool her. She is missing out.

You hating it doesn't mean it's wrong.
It seems there are sum mumzillas on here too, never mind bridezillas!

Warum · 14/10/2023 10:55

Verbena17 · 14/10/2023 10:40

A really good friend wouldn’t mind at all - your baby is exclusively bf and so she’s being a total cow.

What this shows you she is totally happy for you to not go to her evening do.
So…perhaps she’s not as good a friend as you think she is and you’d be better off without her.

No, she isn't being a 'total cow', she's having her wedding day they way she and her partner want it.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 10:58

@Warum being protective of a newborn is a natural phenomenon. Being a bridezilla is a relatively new one. Does make it into the Oxford dictionary though so it's definitely a thing.

bridezilla
/brʌɪdˈzɪlə/

noun

DEROGATORY•INFORMAL
1 a woman whose behaviour in planning the details of her wedding is regarded as obsessive or intolerably demanding."I don't want to be a bridezilla, but so far my attempts at getting people to respect my wishes aren't working"

MargotBamborough · 14/10/2023 10:59

YANBU OP. Obviously you can't leave a four month old breastfed baby for an evening. Most couples having a child free wedding make an exception for babes in arms, but the least she could do is reply to you saying it's not OK rather than bitching about you to someone else. Hopefully one day she'll have a baby of her own and look back on this and be ashamed of her behaviour.

K4tM · 14/10/2023 11:05

Honestly I just wouldn’t bother going. Or the Hen Do. Who wants to go if she’s not going to make you welcome? Seems you’re not a guest, more a delegate, like at a conference. Even at a conference organisers would need to make breast feeding mothers (and their babes) welcome or face discrimination charges. Think Jacinda Arden breastfeeding her baby in NZ Parliament.

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 11:10

My friend came to see me in hospital after I had my baby and said that he wasn’t invited but she wanted me & my dh to come. I was pretty pathetic to not question this and went along to keep my friend happy. I went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for a short while, nipping back to the car to feed my baby. I was obviously weak from the c section and should not have gone at all. I was trying to make me friend happy.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:13

@Escapetofrance your 'friend' is a monster 😔

SiousieSoo · 14/10/2023 11:15

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/10/2023 10:26

I think she's made it clear that it's no babies/children by not inviting them, though.

And while I've got no strong feelings against messaging her to confirm there's no leeway for babes in arms, your message reads a bit loaded. You've clearly tried hard to make it sound casual but give her an opportunity to say no but it doesn't quite read right.

If she hasn't replied, I think you've got your answer, to be honest. I'd make the decision about the hen do accordingly.

If DH is coming to the hen do to have the baby elsewhere and then prompt you when it's time to feed; do you think they expected that precedent to be true here too?

We had a child-free wedding purely because of the Covid number restrictions; but did allow babes in arms. That did mean some parents messaged us and asked if an exception could be made for X, Y or Z; though, for various reasons, and in the end, there were 10 or so children there between 4 days and 8 years old. We would have been in an awkward position if the Covid numbers hadn't changed, though; as whoever is told they can't have their exception is going to be pretty pissed off that someone else did... and there's no accounting for what people consider important. I can't leave my breastfed 1.5 year old overnight yet - I'd never ask to bring him to a wedding for that reason but I can imagine some people would! Is the toddler more or less important than your 4-month-old? etc.

Of course there is a difference between a toddler (who is not reliant on breast milk for their nutrition and can eat solid foods) and a four month old who cannot eat solid foods and needs their mother's breast milk! Why on earth would you even seek to draw a comparison that is simply not applicable? How ridiculous. Also a four month old is a babe in arms, completely different to a toddler with their you know, toddling...

rainingsnoring · 14/10/2023 11:18

Hugosauras · 14/10/2023 10:30

I hate this whole - no kids at weddings/no breastfed babes in arms. It's intolerant and self absorbed. It's rather bridezilla if you ask me and shows a total lack of empathy for others. I bet that once she has a baby of her own, she would soon change her tune. If she wants you there, then she will invite the baby too and if she doesn't, then she won't. If she decides to put her perfect day over a celebration with friends and family, then more fool her. She is missing out.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

@Xandria22 's initial message wasn't great but the friend's lack of response and then bitching to a mutual friend is far worse and suggests that she is self absorbed and childish.
What sort of 'oldest friend' wouldn't want to accommodate a very close friend with a tiny EBF baby so that she can be at their wedding?

Parker231 · 14/10/2023 11:23

Hugosauras · 14/10/2023 10:30

I hate this whole - no kids at weddings/no breastfed babes in arms. It's intolerant and self absorbed. It's rather bridezilla if you ask me and shows a total lack of empathy for others. I bet that once she has a baby of her own, she would soon change her tune. If she wants you there, then she will invite the baby too and if she doesn't, then she won't. If she decides to put her perfect day over a celebration with friends and family, then more fool her. She is missing out.

We had a 100% no children/no babies wedding - our choice as to the type of wedding celebration we wanted. A black tie London hotel wedding which included any children and babies wasn’t part of our plans.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 11:34

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 10:49

I don't know why someone would go to the effort or the expense for a night time invite. Expecting them to do that is very very self absorbed.

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Who said she’s expecting them to? Op can choose to decline.

Having your own event according to your own preferences is generally considered to be perfectly acceptable. It’s up to those invited whether they wish to attend or not.

It’s laughable that this is being described as ‘self absorbed’, as if it isn’t self absorbed to want someone to tailor their event to you, even though that isn’t how they want to celebrate their own milestone.