Page 15 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Xandria22 · 2023-10-13T09:21:02+00:00

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids! We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’ We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request. The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him). I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 09:29

Is your baby’s name on the invitation? If not, your baby isn’t invited. This isn’t rocket science.

Warum · 14/10/2023 09:30

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:25

This happened to me. I’d had a c section and my baby was 2 weeks old & I couldn’t take him to my friends wedding. My dh sat in the car with him whilst I went. I soon realised that she was no friend to not allow my newborn at her wedding & we’re no longer friends. I wish I’d realised this beforehand!

TBH I wouldn't have been fit enough myself to go to a wedding 2 weeks after having had a c-section, but that aside - why is she no longer a friend just because she does what's best for her?

Warum · 14/10/2023 09:30

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 09:29

Is your baby’s name on the invitation? If not, your baby isn’t invited. This isn’t rocket science.

I know, I am struggling to understand this 'is the baby invited' line too, because she clearly ISN'T included on the invite, nor are OP's other children.

Confusion101 · 14/10/2023 09:33

Evening invites where I'm from mean an invite to a function that has a small meal / finger food, alcohol flowing and lots of loud music.... Not the environment I would either want to bring a baby to or see a baby in!

It's a tough situation for everyone involved, as I can understand why you want to be at the wedding but can't leave a BF baby, and understand why the bride may have opted for a child free wedding. I think you were unreasonable to ask. Either accept or decline the invite.

I would also really not be impressed if my friend brought her baby and DH to my hen hotel tbh. In theory it will work good for you as you will get the best of both worlds but as a bride I wouldn't be happy which is awkward because, as above, I understand why you are doing it.

I guess if it were me I would decline both invites, knowing as a parent to a young baby sometimes there are just events you have to miss. (that sounds a bit "holier than you" but really didn't mean it like that). I'd have serious FOMO on the night but it is what it is. A good friend will understand!

PeloFan91 · 14/10/2023 09:36

There are lots of weird assumptions about women who don’t have children here!

For context - I had a child-free wedding, don’t have children and don’t plan to.

All that said, I had planned to make exceptions for small babies. I’d much rather have the people I want there and accept some potential crying than exclude friends or family from the wedding. It’s not even for the ceremony anyway. Ok, so she doesn’t want that? Still very rude not to reply and talk to others about it behind your back. She’s in her rights to say no, but not replying isn't ok. Doesn’t sound like a great friend.

Also, I think your message is fine. Makes the situation clear from the outset and she can decide based on the facts.

Miss93 · 14/10/2023 09:36

I'm always bemused by the rigmarole invested in these fleeting social rituals. I mean, you have 3 children, but your husband is going to sit in a hotel room with your baby on hand just so you can attend the hen do of an 'oldest friend' you can't even talk to. Really? 🤷‍♀️

So what happens to the other 2 children,if the DH is at the hotel.
You just know they'll be there and wanting to go with the op.

I wouldn't being a 4 month old to an evening do,it's basically a piss up.
And it'll probably annoy the other guests who want a child free piss up.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 09:43

PeloFan91 · 14/10/2023 09:36

There are lots of weird assumptions about women who don’t have children here!

For context - I had a child-free wedding, don’t have children and don’t plan to.

All that said, I had planned to make exceptions for small babies. I’d much rather have the people I want there and accept some potential crying than exclude friends or family from the wedding. It’s not even for the ceremony anyway. Ok, so she doesn’t want that? Still very rude not to reply and talk to others about it behind your back. She’s in her rights to say no, but not replying isn't ok. Doesn’t sound like a great friend.

Also, I think your message is fine. Makes the situation clear from the outset and she can decide based on the facts.

💯this.

You sound lovely and very understanding

diddl · 14/10/2023 09:44

Wouldn't occur to me to take a young baby to the evening do only.

Probably wouldn't have bothered with the hen do either tbh.

I suppose depending how often baby is feeding I might have thought it too much effort!

Possimpible · 14/10/2023 09:46

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:25

This happened to me. I’d had a c section and my baby was 2 weeks old & I couldn’t take him to my friends wedding. My dh sat in the car with him whilst I went. I soon realised that she was no friend to not allow my newborn at her wedding & we’re no longer friends. I wish I’d realised this beforehand!

Jesus, she probably didn't expect you to actually go!

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:51

I realised that a decent friend would allow my husband and newborn to attend the wedding too, rather than sit in the car outside.
There was no big fall out with her, just a realisation that I have fundamentally different views on kindness.
Newborns are not like lively toddlers who might be noisy during the wedding.

Ramalangadingdong · 14/10/2023 09:59

Your message to her was beautifully worded. You were honest but gracious. If she read as rudeness what you said about not being able to attend if baby not allowed then that is on her not you. Don’t feel nervous about going to the hen do. Just continue being the nice honest person you are. Perhaps you should contact her beforehand and say that you hope she wasn’t offended by your message (others on here can advise how to word it more graciously than me) and that you really won’t mind if it’s not possible to bring the baby and that if that is the case you would love to take them to dinner (or have them round to yours ) after the honeymoon so that you can celebrate with them that way.

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 10:00

I think people are just far too uptight about this.

I think people say the no kids thing without really understanding the implications.

Obviously people can say no kids on account of numbers, but I often think it’s said purely because of wedding ‘aesthetics’. A young baby doesn’t take up a seat which used to be the main reason people didn’t invite kids.

people tend to only get married once, so I can’t see why they’ve had a chance to even have any strong preferences. I have never seen a young baby spoil a wedding. If they cry - take them out of the service!

weddings have traditionally been family events so have included kids. Now it’s about creating an event.

Awrite · 14/10/2023 10:05

The last wedding I attended, I had to message bride to check if dc were invited. The invitation just had dh and my name on it. A resounding 'yes, if course, I'm sorry you had to ask!'

Would have been totally fine if not. I know my pal and suspected she would have kids at her wedding though.

I do hate the whole 'omg, you've been so unreasonable asking the bride a question at her most stressful time' posts.

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 10:05

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:51

I realised that a decent friend would allow my husband and newborn to attend the wedding too, rather than sit in the car outside.
There was no big fall out with her, just a realisation that I have fundamentally different views on kindness.
Newborns are not like lively toddlers who might be noisy during the wedding.

She probably also realised if you'd been a decent friend, you wouldn't have made her wedding about your baby.

I can't believe you went 2 weeks after a section and then cut your friend off.

Newborns cry loudly and they absolutely do disrupt

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 10:07

I have never seen a young baby spoil a wedding. If they cry - take them out of the service!

they've already created a disturbance by crying to have to be taken out.

TheFireflies · 14/10/2023 10:11

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 07:20

Honestly brides need to get over themselves.

Yes it's their one special day etc, but that doesn't give them the right to behave like their are some untouchable goddess.

I think it's fine not to want children at your wedding but tiny babies are different. If she goes on to have children I hope she's really embarrassed about it.

You're not even invited to the ceremony. I could kind of understand if she asked you missed the service.

Your message may not have been perfectly worded but it's a perfectly reasonable request for clarification , even if she wasn't aware of the breastfeeding thing, and deserves a response, even if it's a no.

Ignoring you because you had the audacity to ask is ludicrous and drama queen behaviour. .

Or maybe she's stressed, hasn't got round to replying and your other friend is causing trouble.

As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that.

That doesn't mean you have to have them at your wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their babies first.

Equally you shouldn’t think women are spoilt selfish cows for not wanting children or babies at their wedding.

The world doesn’t revolve around babies. Your world does, yes, but that’s a different thing.

Personally I was more than happy to have children and babies at my wedding, but that’s not everyone’s choice, and that’s fine. No need to complain, just decline. If they’re arsey about people declining then that’s unreasonable, but the “rule” itself is not.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 10:12

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 10:00

I think people are just far too uptight about this.

I think people say the no kids thing without really understanding the implications.

Obviously people can say no kids on account of numbers, but I often think it’s said purely because of wedding ‘aesthetics’. A young baby doesn’t take up a seat which used to be the main reason people didn’t invite kids.

people tend to only get married once, so I can’t see why they’ve had a chance to even have any strong preferences. I have never seen a young baby spoil a wedding. If they cry - take them out of the service!

weddings have traditionally been family events so have included kids. Now it’s about creating an event.

Weddings were traditionally a celebration of a business arrangement, with marriage having little to do with love. Traditions change.

In regards to aesthetics - it’s not as if the ‘wedding’ tag on Instagram doesn't include thousands of photos of perfectly styled and posed children. As far as that criticism goes, if you’re going to level it, it’s not one exclusive to childfree events.

A lot of people do indeed dream of their perfect wedding day, even if it is something they only intend to have happen once. Tbf that gives even more reason to have it to exact specifications, given that there’s no expectation of a do over.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 10:12

I would brazen out the hen do if I were you
Dear God, why would anyone "brazen it out" rather than accept their baby wasn't welcome at a hen party?! This place never ceases to astound me.
Some people are odder than a four pound note.

Possimpible · 14/10/2023 10:12

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:51

I realised that a decent friend would allow my husband and newborn to attend the wedding too, rather than sit in the car outside.
There was no big fall out with her, just a realisation that I have fundamentally different views on kindness.
Newborns are not like lively toddlers who might be noisy during the wedding.

Would love to know more about this - did you turn up with husband and newborn in the car and expect them to be allowed to join, without an RSVP? As that's how it reads, and in that case I am squarely on the bride's side. Surely anyone who had been told their 2 week old couldn't come would just politely decline?

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 10:14

As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that
Yeah, your world, not everyone else's world. If you have the brains of a gnat you understand that...

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 10:15

@ShellySarah are you planning a wedding? 😉

I hardly think asking the question makes the wedding about her baby.

I mean we all know it's about the bride. It always is but get a grip.

Just wait until the dietary requirements start coming in, it will be armageddon.

Possimpible · 14/10/2023 10:15

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 10:07

I have never seen a young baby spoil a wedding. If they cry - take them out of the service!

they've already created a disturbance by crying to have to be taken out.

Also not all parents actually do take them out. I was at a wedding recently with two friends with young kids - the youngest cried (literally 4 weeks old) and was immediately taken out so as not to disturb. The oldest (a year) was walked round the church, shushed, told to look at the windows etc... The mum was more disruptive than the child.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 10:16

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 09:05

Yes but people having weddings don’t see it like this. They complain that people don’t care about their special day because they haven’t found a way to make it so they can be at their wedding which is the most important thing.

Show quote history

Do they though? I’ve seen little evidence of this actually happening, whereas, for example, threads complaining about someone having a childfree wedding appear on a weekly basis.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 14/10/2023 10:17

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 10:00

I think people are just far too uptight about this.

I think people say the no kids thing without really understanding the implications.

Obviously people can say no kids on account of numbers, but I often think it’s said purely because of wedding ‘aesthetics’. A young baby doesn’t take up a seat which used to be the main reason people didn’t invite kids.

people tend to only get married once, so I can’t see why they’ve had a chance to even have any strong preferences. I have never seen a young baby spoil a wedding. If they cry - take them out of the service!

weddings have traditionally been family events so have included kids. Now it’s about creating an event.

As a pp patiently and repeatedly explained on the early pages of the thread, venues frequently count babes-in-arms towards the headcount for fire safety and capacity reasons. You might not need to find them a chair or give them a meal but they take up a space. Nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with capacity.

That’s harder to sneer about, though.

frenchfries111 · 14/10/2023 10:23

Sometimes if people don’t have children they don’t understand how it works.

When my friend got married some mutual friends had a baby 2 days before. The bride messaged them to check they were still coming and they said yes. They brought the very tiny (and very quiet) baby with them. The baby was in a sling, under a shawl, most people didn’t even know it was there. She flipped and complained behind their back ‘they should have left it somewhere’.
2 years later she was having a moan about having to go to a wedding without her 6 month old.