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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 08:56

StylishM · 13/10/2023 11:02

I have a similar aged EBF DC and I think you're being very unreasonable to take your husband and baby along to the hen do location Hmm

Just politely the decline the wedding invite and ask to see her after the wedding for a little celebration/toast. Asking to tote your baby with you on the hen do and to the adult only wedding smacks of entitlement

It doesn’t. The baby needs to eat 🙄 and if she declines people like you would make bitchy comments about that. Honestly, the OP has gone out of her way to try and be there at the hen do, has asked really nicely about the wedding, and apparently dealing with a simple request is so incredibly stressful for the bride that instead of just replying, she’s slagging OP off to other people. So unnecessary. She could just say, I’m really sorry you won’t be able to make it, we are sticking to no kids at all, but be lovely to get together after. Why does someone’s special day, which has only a 50/50 chance of turning into a lasting marriage, mean that everyone has to turn into an areshole? Weddings are ridiculous enough as it is.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/10/2023 08:59

Warum · 13/10/2023 10:37

This is really bad advice, if an invite does not include children then do not assume that doesn't include babies!

Show quote history

Definitely agreed here. I’d assume no babies if it said “children” and I wouldn’t even ask as it puts the bride in an awkward position.

The past few weddings I’ve been to where there have been young children though, the children have been absolutely fine but there were grandparents at one wedding to help out.

femfemlicious · 14/10/2023 09:00

This is why I stopped having a social life after kids😭

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 09:01

Mumof3children · 14/10/2023 08:44

Are you sure you want to bring a baby to the evening do of a wedding?? It will be a sensory overload for your baby with music that’s wat too loud and your baby won’t be able to get any sleep. I think you wrote you have more kids, who will be looking after them? Could they also look after the baby? (You can express milk beforehand).
I also think you could have worded the rsvp better. The last sentence is quite manipulative and unnecessary. It was already obvious from your question you might not be able to come because of the baby.

Edited

You can express milk til you are blue in the face, if a baby won’t take a bottle, they won’t take a bottle. Mine wouldn’t, my mum had 3 month old eve DS2 at her insistence and was adamant he would take a bottle when he got hungry enough, guess what, he didn’t, just screamed. For hours.

Hellenabe · 14/10/2023 09:01

Jeez, either go or don't go. I have two children and had the bride said this, id have found alternative arrangements for my children or not gone. I'd never ask to bring them.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 09:03

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:29

@Puffypuffin there good friends🤔? It’s hardly unreasonable to ask, OP has stated that if she doesn’t want baby there then they can’t attend? She’s just asked first.. which with a good friend you should be able to do!

the only one here being put in a difficult situation is OP 1) because she’s breastfeeding and obviously doesn’t want to upset friend by not being there.. hence her asking & 2) her friend ignoring her and going to bitch about her to someone else!

the last fact alone would have me reconsidering the friendship.. OP has literally done nothing wrong.

Conversely, you could say that if they are such good friends the OP shouldn't be trying to make things awkward between them by asking a question which has already been answered. Presumably, if they're such good friends, the bride is also aware that the OP has just had a baby who she is breastfeeding.

It's a wedding invitation, not everyone will be able to attend for a variety of reasons, this is just one of them.

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 09:05

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2023 08:07

You chose to have a baby, and part of that is not being able to attend specifically child-free events until you are able and happy to leave the baby with someone else. It's not at all complicated, and it is entirely your responsibility.

Yes - I agree with this.

Yes but people having weddings don’t see it like this. They complain that people don’t care about their special day because they haven’t found a way to make it so they can be at their wedding which is the most important thing.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 09:06

Hellenabe · 14/10/2023 09:01

Jeez, either go or don't go. I have two children and had the bride said this, id have found alternative arrangements for my children or not gone. I'd never ask to bring them.

Well this is it in a nutshell really. 😂

So many people seem to think that they should be an exception these days. I missed out on loads of things when my dcs seemed to be permanently attached to me. That's life with babies and children.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 09:07

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 09:05

Yes but people having weddings don’t see it like this. They complain that people don’t care about their special day because they haven’t found a way to make it so they can be at their wedding which is the most important thing.

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I haven't noticed this, none of my friends were like this.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/10/2023 09:08

I think it's reasonable to ask one of your oldest friends. Maybe might have been better to ask without the "can't come if you say no" bit.

Warum · 14/10/2023 09:10

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:49

@Warum its not that the couple aren’t entitled to invite who they want to.. fair enough. It’s the fact that OP has just simply asked and explained because she is breastfeeding she won’t be able to go.. she just simply asked first because with this being a good friend it would be expected for her to ask to see what the bride’s preference would be. She has said on there that if she doesn’t want baby there then she can’t go.

it’s how the bride to be has dealt with this that is unreasonable, something that could have been cleared up in 10 mins, instead she’s ignored OP and decided to go behind her back and bitch about her to someone else which is wrong.

OP has every right to ask when she is breastfeeding.. she’s a good friend and clearly must know OP doesn’t have anyone available for childcare, imo if your going to invite a couple who have a child who you know don’t have any other form of childcare and also are breastfeeding a baby expect to be asked if it’s ok for baby to come along!

OPs friend is entitled to have a child free wedding, all she had to do was text back saying “I’m sorry but unfortunately I can’t have any children there as I’ve stated to everyone it’s child free, thank you for asking though”

so rude to just ignore OP and go to someone else! Not a friend in my eyes.

The bride has already clearly stated the couples preference by not including children on the invite.

ClairDeLaLune · 14/10/2023 09:11

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/10/2023 08:56

It doesn’t. The baby needs to eat 🙄 and if she declines people like you would make bitchy comments about that. Honestly, the OP has gone out of her way to try and be there at the hen do, has asked really nicely about the wedding, and apparently dealing with a simple request is so incredibly stressful for the bride that instead of just replying, she’s slagging OP off to other people. So unnecessary. She could just say, I’m really sorry you won’t be able to make it, we are sticking to no kids at all, but be lovely to get together after. Why does someone’s special day, which has only a 50/50 chance of turning into a lasting marriage, mean that everyone has to turn into an areshole? Weddings are ridiculous enough as it is.

Show quote history

Agree. In being unhappy about this the bride is basically saying that she doesn’t care if her oldest friend’s baby is hungry and distressed, and it’s more important to have an Insta-perfect wedding. Shallow. And a bit heartless.

Your message was perfectly fine OP. I think it was fine to say about not coming, you should be able to be honest with your oldest friend.

I would brazen out the hen do if I were you. But if you’re getting an awkward vibe from the bride make an excuse and leave.

Niffa · 14/10/2023 09:12

No I don’t think you are, the only thing may be that with a text message, and not asking in person, messages can be mis- interpreted.
she’s being rude for not replying, but frankly I think you need to call her and ask if your message offended her.
if she is going to be that ridiculous about a breastfed baby, then she’s not really a friend (I assume she doesn’t have children of her own yet?)

M4J4 · 14/10/2023 09:15

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:48

Perhaps I was just being a bit blunt.
I just wanted to cover all bases and make sure she knew it was okay to say no to me. I wanted to be the opposite of manipulate her - I wanted it to be easy for her to say we’re having no babies, there’s no room etc. I don’t think I’m entitled one bit to bring the baby. But in the same breath I really want to go to celebrate with her.

She doesn’t have children so unsure whether she would understand not being able to leave a breastfed baby (I certainly didn’t understand before I had kids)

I live quite far away from her and so don’t see her often and we haven’t spoken much this year as we’ve both been so busy but we have years like that and it doesn’t affect our friendship when we get together.

YANBU. It’s ok to ask. She’s being a bridezilla by not responding. All she had to do was say no politely.

I wouldn’t go and I would also not send a present.

SlipSlidinAway · 14/10/2023 09:15

Can't you go to the evening do and leave DH at home with the children? You could express some milk. If the venue is an hour away you could go for a couple of hours?

Warum · 14/10/2023 09:15

ClairDeLaLune · 14/10/2023 09:11

Agree. In being unhappy about this the bride is basically saying that she doesn’t care if her oldest friend’s baby is hungry and distressed, and it’s more important to have an Insta-perfect wedding. Shallow. And a bit heartless.

Your message was perfectly fine OP. I think it was fine to say about not coming, you should be able to be honest with your oldest friend.

I would brazen out the hen do if I were you. But if you’re getting an awkward vibe from the bride make an excuse and leave.

Show quote history

Absolute rubbish.
She's making no statements whatsoever on the well being of the baby, she's simply not inviting children and that is her choice. She's not forcing OP to come.

Daisy4569 · 14/10/2023 09:15

I think you’re a good friend and mum. Paying for a hotel room and making sure baby is close by so you can be there on the hen and still look after your lo. I would really appreciate a friend going to this effort (and their partner!)

I also don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with your message. If she’d said no and then you’d have replied saying you could no longer go it would be worse imo and seem reactionary.

Trust your instincts, if she’s a good friend she will get it. She’s just snowed under with wedding stress probably

HolidayHun2020 · 14/10/2023 09:16

When I got married I had quite a strict no kids policy - it annoyed me at the time that people asked even though it was clear on the invitations, but I always responded saying sorry but no. There was one request from a cousin who had a two month old and at the time I said no because it felt like making the exception wasn’t fair on everyone else. I look back now I’m a mum and horrified I said no.

I see what you tried to do with your message and it’s a bit shitty of her to not respond because she could just say no so I don’t think YABU to ask.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 09:16

This debate is really about discomfort.

The OP doesn't want to upset bride, Bride doesn't want OP to miss wedding, but both are annoyed that they have been made to feel uncomfortable about this.

OP shouldn't feel uncomfortable about not going, or asking about the baby.

Bride shouldn't feel uncomfortable and confirming that there's no babies. The fact that she is uncomfortable about this, is the problem and why she hasn't replied.

She is pissed off that her decision has caused discomfort or inconvenience for others and therefore her.

M4J4 · 14/10/2023 09:16

ClairDeLaLune · 14/10/2023 09:11

Agree. In being unhappy about this the bride is basically saying that she doesn’t care if her oldest friend’s baby is hungry and distressed, and it’s more important to have an Insta-perfect wedding. Shallow. And a bit heartless.

Your message was perfectly fine OP. I think it was fine to say about not coming, you should be able to be honest with your oldest friend.

I would brazen out the hen do if I were you. But if you’re getting an awkward vibe from the bride make an excuse and leave.

Show quote history

💯 agree

I wouldn’t distress my baby for this ‘friend’

ClairDeLaLune · 14/10/2023 09:20

If I’d left my EBF baby for several hours not only would she have been hungry and distressed but my boobs would’ve leaked all over the place! That would have made the wedding photos less than perfect!

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/10/2023 09:21

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

@Sayitaintso33

they are not always welcome no.

Warum · 14/10/2023 09:23

M4J4 · 14/10/2023 09:16

💯 agree

I wouldn’t distress my baby for this ‘friend’

Show quote history

In that case the answer is just to decline the invitation, as many people (parents or not) have to do for a whole host of reasons.

I understand OP not being able to leave her young baby, but I also understand that the couple have made it fairly clear the OPs children aren't invited by not including them on the invitation.

Escapetofrance · 14/10/2023 09:25

This happened to me. I’d had a c section and my baby was 2 weeks old & I couldn’t take him to my friends wedding. My dh sat in the car with him whilst I went. I soon realised that she was no friend to not allow my newborn at her wedding & we’re no longer friends. I wish I’d realised this beforehand!

ArtichokeAardvark · 14/10/2023 09:26

Sorry, not everyone wants children at their wedding, and I'm afraid that includes babies. The needs of the precious 'exclusively breastfed' (god I hate this smug martyred phrase) don't trump the bride's wishes on HER day. Weddings are adult occasions which may or may not include children - lovely if they do, but also totally reasonable if they don't. If you can't express and leave your 4 month old for a few hours, then you don't go. Or, you arrange someone to come with your baby and stay nearby, and you nip back and forth for feeds.

It's also not fair to ask her to make an exception for your child, even if you are very close friends, as it sets an unfair precedent. My sister-in-law didn't want children at her wedding, so my brother asked me to leave my two (his niece and nephew!) with a babysitter for the night. Fine, their choice, I complied. I was then seriously unimpressed on the day to find three other children running around who'd been told they could come 'as an exception'.