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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 08:11

@Puffypuffin I think that's splitting hairs.

That feels more passive aggressive to me but ultimately doesn't matter. It's not that big a deal how a WhatsApp message is worded.

It's not an ultimatum, it's an RSVP.

If I can bring my baby, it's an RSVP yes.
If I can't bring him, it's an RSVP no.

Duechristmas · 14/10/2023 08:11

No kids is no kids, just decline the invitation.

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 14/10/2023 08:11

I had the same with a wedding I was invited to. Ie I couldn’t take my BF baby, and I know my friend thought I was being OTT. Then she had babies and was horrified about her reaction! People who haven’t babies just cannot understand…….having a little person relying on you fir life trumps everything!

HorseBlue · 14/10/2023 08:16

Call her and speak to her?

I think you are reasonable but should have spoken to her instead of texting.

And a lot of the responses to this just show how unfriendly to children/babies people in the UK are.

And of course breastfed pre mobile babies are different than older children at weddings. Id expect to bring mine (if I had one) even if older child not welcome.

PlasticineKing · 14/10/2023 08:18

I don’t think your message was loaded. I think it was clearly spelling out what you meant so as to avoid any misunderstanding. As one of your oldest friends, she should probably have realised that and said to you before she sent out the invites. I think it’s perfectly fine for you to double check and ask, and perfectly fine for her to say yes or no. But her moaning to another guest is a bit shit. I don’t know when it became rude to ask about a baby. If she’s having a child free wedding (which is absolutely fine) then she has to consider people with tiny/BF babies might not want to or be able to come, and there’s no harm in you double checking. I can’t believe she’s ignored you to be honest.

TheBirdintheCave · 14/10/2023 08:20

Turfwars · 13/10/2023 13:38

She can't have it both ways. It's not like you can shove the baby back inside you for a few hours.

You've made it clear it's a request & that you won't be offended if she sticks to her policy. She can either make an allowance, or not, no harm done but she doesn't get to be pissed off with you if you have to decline because she's decided you can't bring the baby.

In my experience the biggest sticklers for the no-kids rule for their weddings are very often the very ones a few years down the line scream blue murder that their 127 month old didn't get invited to a wedding.

We had a strictly no children or babies rule at our wedding. We now have a nearly three year old. He's been invited to two weddings since he's been born but we didn't take him to either because we wanted to have a night off 😂

XiCi · 14/10/2023 08:20

It is absolutely not the norm to just turn up with your kids to a wedding. I don't believe anyone would actually be so rude as to do this. You're talking about having to find potentially a large number of extra seats and mouths to cater for on the day with no notice. So rude. Usually at weddings and I've been to many of them over the years, the only kids there are with the wedding party, close relatives of B&G.

OP I can't understand why you can't express for the few hours that you will be at the hen do and the wedding. Or if you really can't, then couldn't your DH do the same for the wedding and stay in a nearby hotel. If she's your oldest friend it's worth the effort surely. And she's obviously not happy about the message so just pick up the phone to her. Who knows, she might even come round to the idea if you have a chat about it. Sometimes it's really hard to get how you feel across in a text. I'd definitely tell her your DH is going to be at the hen party hotel as well. That really is a bit out there, to say the least.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/10/2023 08:21

Absolutely perfect message. my guess is that she has no kids and no idea what life with a bf baby is like. I don't get the wedding silliness.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 08:23

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 08:11

@Puffypuffin I think that's splitting hairs.

That feels more passive aggressive to me but ultimately doesn't matter. It's not that big a deal how a WhatsApp message is worded.

It's not an ultimatum, it's an RSVP.

If I can bring my baby, it's an RSVP yes.
If I can't bring him, it's an RSVP no.

I disagree.

The bride and groom made it clear it was a child free wedding. It's not for anyone to say 'oh but can I bring my child'. She's asking a question she's already been given the answer to. The invitation wasn't ambiguous and needing clarification.

You just decline, we had to do it plenty of times when I was feeding DCs, you just accept that's what can happen when you decide to have children. Some things you'll be able to take them to, some you won't. 🤷

TeamSleep · 14/10/2023 08:25

YANBU to ask but she isn’t unreasonable to not want a baby at her wedding. I was in a similar situation, sent a similar message and my friend who replied straight away saying of course bring your baby I’d rather you there than not, but that’s obviously not the way your friend feels so I think you need to sit this one out.

Sounds like you really don’t want to miss out, this friendship is obviously really important to you and you’re bending over backwards to be there for her hen do. Could you have the same set up as the hen do for the wedding and just go on your own but have your husband and baby nearby, if you really want to go?

In my opinion she sounds like hard work if she’s ghosting you after a perfectly reasonable question where you were very understanding and fine for her to say no. Her lack of response speaks volumes that she’d rather you not be there than there with a baby so I’d be declining the invite.

KombuchaKalling · 14/10/2023 08:29

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:25

Well she did say no children because their names were not on the invite it's you that has caused "confusion " there is no confusion.

This. Your message was rather rude. The invite makes clear your children aren’t invited. It’s up to the bride and groom who they invite

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:29

@Puffypuffin there good friends🤔? It’s hardly unreasonable to ask, OP has stated that if she doesn’t want baby there then they can’t attend? She’s just asked first.. which with a good friend you should be able to do!

the only one here being put in a difficult situation is OP 1) because she’s breastfeeding and obviously doesn’t want to upset friend by not being there.. hence her asking & 2) her friend ignoring her and going to bitch about her to someone else!

the last fact alone would have me reconsidering the friendship.. OP has literally done nothing wrong.

AndromacheAstyanax · 14/10/2023 08:29

@Puffypuffin Thank you for this. Yes, I would agree with you that declining the invitation is the way forward if the baby isn’t welcome.

Hitherehi · 14/10/2023 08:30

telestrations · 14/10/2023 06:35

Your friend is unreasonable

Evening only - check
Child free - check
Expensive hen/stag - check
Not replying to RSVP queries - check
Sending 'unhappy' messages via third parties - check
Expecting a breast feeding mother to attend a child free evening only wedding and hotel hen do to boot - check

Exactly. Oldest friend and yet said "friend" hasn't invited OP to the ceremony or wedding breakfast. And yet expects OP to spend a lot of money on her hen do and a wedding gift (I imagine). Obviously not a close friend.

A real friend also wouldn't expect one of their closest friends to leave their EBF babe in arms at home.

OP please don't go and don't give her a present. Maybe leave it as just a card.

XiCi · 14/10/2023 08:31

The problem is that if you've said child free wedding it's hard to make exceptions. You'll have people turning up saying 'well she has her baby here, why couldn't mine come' and instantly there are bad feelings at the wedding. Also others will have declined the invite due to no babysitter etc and then later find out that actually there were kids there so will be pissed off. It's really not fair to put the bride in that position when she's said it's child free.

Warum · 14/10/2023 08:39

I have still to see a valid reason why an invite stating 'Jack and Jill' or 'Jill and Jack', with NO mention of kids names or even 'and family,' is remotely ambiguous or needs clarification regarding children (in any form) being invited. By not including their names they have not been invited, why then go on to ask if they actually are invited???
The same applies to single person invites - if it says 'your name' and not 'your name + partner', then it's only you who is invited.
Couples can choose who they want to invite, and invited guests choose whether to attend based on the invite - they don't start negotiating or making demands.

Also, is 'babe in arms' an exclusive MN phrase? I've never heard ot before tbh.

TeamSleep · 14/10/2023 08:39

While I think a better wording of your RSVP might have been “I’m really sorry I won’t be able to make it to your wedding as “DS name” is too young to be without me at the moment. Hope you have a great day.” Then it’s up to her to decide if she is happy for you to bring your baby and reply saying “Please bring DS I’d rather you there than not.” But the way you phrased it was a bit convoluted. Still, I maintain if she was a good friend that wouldn’t matter and she’d reply rather than moan about you behind your back to a mutual friend. I honestly wouldn’t go and it’s not too late to just send the message above just to close to book on this one.

Mumof3children · 14/10/2023 08:44

Are you sure you want to bring a baby to the evening do of a wedding?? It will be a sensory overload for your baby with music that’s wat too loud and your baby won’t be able to get any sleep. I think you wrote you have more kids, who will be looking after them? Could they also look after the baby? (You can express milk beforehand).
I also think you could have worded the rsvp better. The last sentence is quite manipulative and unnecessary. It was already obvious from your question you might not be able to come because of the baby.

Possimpible · 14/10/2023 08:46

@Subforsupper’wedding breakfast’ - this is just breakfast! For Christ sake, what does the word wedding and an extra £50 per head add to my eggs benadict?

It isn't btw - a wedding breakfast is the three course meal after the ceremony. Comes from it being the first thing the bride and groom eat to break their fast for the first time as a married couple.

@fruitstick *As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that.

That doesn't mean you have to have them at your wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their babies first*

And the bride's world right now is revolving around her own massive life event, which is getting married. That doesn't mean you have to go to her wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their wedding first.

Works both ways? Also baby will be 6 months old by then, I know it's still little but it's not quite as little.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 08:46

As an aside, my friend is planning her wedding and inviting her friends but not their partners. Even partners who've been married for 15 years and she went to their wedding.

I think she's asking for trouble!

AGAbaker · 14/10/2023 08:47

You are not being unreasonable.

It's not like you're bringing the whole rabble, you just need to feed you bloomin baby. That's not unreasonable.

I also think you're being great about the hen do, popping back to feed baby whilst your husband stays and presumably the kids are elsewhere?! What a faff on your behalf.

There has to be a bit of give and take here and you've certainly given.

What will be will be x

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 08:48

Possimpible · 14/10/2023 08:46

@Subforsupper’wedding breakfast’ - this is just breakfast! For Christ sake, what does the word wedding and an extra £50 per head add to my eggs benadict?

It isn't btw - a wedding breakfast is the three course meal after the ceremony. Comes from it being the first thing the bride and groom eat to break their fast for the first time as a married couple.

@fruitstick *As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that.

That doesn't mean you have to have them at your wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their babies first*

Works both ways? Also baby will be 6 months old by then, I know it's still little but it's not quite as little.

Edited

Yes it works both ways.

But she is being spoilt and selfish by not replying to the OP and bitching about her behind her back.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:49

@Warum its not that the couple aren’t entitled to invite who they want to.. fair enough. It’s the fact that OP has just simply asked and explained because she is breastfeeding she won’t be able to go.. she just simply asked first because with this being a good friend it would be expected for her to ask to see what the bride’s preference would be. She has said on there that if she doesn’t want baby there then she can’t go.

it’s how the bride to be has dealt with this that is unreasonable, something that could have been cleared up in 10 mins, instead she’s ignored OP and decided to go behind her back and bitch about her to someone else which is wrong.

OP has every right to ask when she is breastfeeding.. she’s a good friend and clearly must know OP doesn’t have anyone available for childcare, imo if your going to invite a couple who have a child who you know don’t have any other form of childcare and also are breastfeeding a baby expect to be asked if it’s ok for baby to come along!

OPs friend is entitled to have a child free wedding, all she had to do was text back saying “I’m sorry but unfortunately I can’t have any children there as I’ve stated to everyone it’s child free, thank you for asking though”

so rude to just ignore OP and go to someone else! Not a friend in my eyes.

HairyMaclairey · 14/10/2023 08:54

Brides who request child free weddings, elaborate hen do’s and make other ridiculous demands are only interested in curating their perfect wedding experience. Their chances of a long and happy marriage are much lower than average as they’re too self absorbed to consider other people’s wishes.

I agree with this. I have been to a few weddings where the bride has been caught up in the whole festival and afterwards it has gone tits up big time because they were so focused on being a princess for the day, they ignored the massive red flags about the bloke being waved in their face.

Blinkingbonkers · 14/10/2023 08:56

She might be your oldest friend but she’s obviously not a good one or she would have just responded. Sorry, this is one of those moment you discover who people really are.

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