Page 12 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

GuitarGeorge · 14/10/2023 07:33

YANBU

but given her response I’d pull out of both events and accept that the friendship is probably over

Ladyluck22 · 14/10/2023 07:34

I think it is fine to ask, maybe a phone call would have been better.
However I feel this part
‘If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’
is slightly passive aggressive especially, and we wish you all the best, as sounds like your upset and ending the friendship.

hot2trotter · 14/10/2023 07:35

I don't think you've done anything wrong by asking. You worded it fine, you gave her opportunity to turn you down and not feel bad about it. She's been nasty, not responding to you (a simple no would suffice) but still going around moaning about it to mutual friends (knowing it would get back to you, I presume!) rather than speaking to you directly - who does that??
I doubt she appreciates the effort you're going to for the hen night either by bringing husband and baby along to the hotel. I certainly wouldn't do it for her. She's clearly no friend.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 07:36

If you do stay friends, I'd be tempted to be really petty and, if she ever has a baby then organise a massive party that she can't come to.

Your party, your rules.

Obviously I wouldn't do that, but I would want to.

morag1234 · 14/10/2023 07:37

Has she replied yet?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I was going to ask if she had children, and then saw your message that she doesn't. She won't get it and she won't understand unless she has her own children.

At the end of the day, your baby is breastfed. You can't really attend if your baby can't come along.

I might've sent a softer message myself and made it a bit more friendly about it rather than factual. But she is being really unreasonable if she's actually annoyed about this.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 07:38

Now I'd also call her. How far away is the hen do.

Maybe say 'I need to talk to you about the hen do. I was planning to bring DH and DS and sneak up to feed him, but I now think that isn't a great idea, so I'm sorry I won't be able to attend'

I don't think she should be pissed off that that's what you're doing, but she will be, so why waste your time and money

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 07:46

I don't think it's fine to ask a question when you've already been given the answer prior to asking. It does seem manipulative to me, because you're saying you can't come if she does anything other than agree with your request.

Our wedding wasn't child free but we've been invited to plenty which have been including when DC's were babies and exclusively breast fed. Those were the ones we politely declined with no damage to the friendships.

Annio82 · 14/10/2023 07:52

Deathbyfluffy · 13/10/2023 11:23

Nothing seems unreasonable about this - she said the baby wasn’t welcome, you didn’t go, everyone’s happy.

Not sure I can see the problem!

Show quote history

What’s wrong with this is the part where the bride tried to dictate how the parent should handle it. ‘We’ll choose a babysitter that you can pay to be at the venue’ is a very different conversation to ‘we’re having a child free wedding’ and then allowing the parents to make of it what they will. The couple only choose who to invite, nothing else has anything to do with them.

I would also suggest that making that stipulation after the baby’s dad has committed to being best man is in poor taste

AndromacheAstyanax · 14/10/2023 07:53

In my opinion, weddings are about families. I therefore don’t quite ‘get’ the child free wedding idea, but I know it’s quite prevalent in some circles. I think you are being entirely reasonable and I thought your message was polite. Hope there’s a way round this.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 07:58

AndromacheAstyanax · 14/10/2023 07:53

In my opinion, weddings are about families. I therefore don’t quite ‘get’ the child free wedding idea, but I know it’s quite prevalent in some circles. I think you are being entirely reasonable and I thought your message was polite. Hope there’s a way round this.

But, respectfully, whether the OP (or anyone else) thinks that weddings are about families is irrelevant. The bride and groom have chosen not to have children at their wedding for whatever reason and that should be respected. In those circumstances, you just politely decline the invitation, you don't try to put the bride in an awkward position.

While our wedding was not child free, I believe weddings are about a marriage.

Flakey99 · 14/10/2023 07:59

Brides who request child free weddings, elaborate hen do’s and make other ridiculous demands are only interested in curating their perfect wedding experience. Their chances of a long and happy marriage are much lower than average as they’re too self absorbed to consider other people’s wishes.

Tell her “no problem, you’ll be fine to leave the children at home at her next wedding” and don’t have anything more to do with her.

Imisscoffee2021 · 14/10/2023 07:59

If its the evening part of the day won't the baby need to be asleep somewhere quiet? Would you plan to take turns with your husband to enjoy the party while the baby sleeps in a hotel room like you are with the hen or just have them there in a presumably noisy venue? I had a wedding with kids invited and all the babies in arms people went home before the music started in the evening to put the babies to bed, while the slightly older kids got to stay up and run around and skid on their knees on the dance floor (seems to be built in to kids to do this 🤣)

Stravaig · 14/10/2023 07:59

You chose to have a baby, and part of that is not being able to attend specifically child-free events until you are able and happy to leave the baby with someone else. It's not at all complicated, and it is entirely your responsibility.

I'm always bemused by the rigmarole invested in these fleeting social rituals. I mean, you have 3 children, but your husband is going to sit in a hotel room with your baby on hand just so you can attend the hen do of an 'oldest friend' you can't even talk to. Really? 🤷‍♀️

June12 · 14/10/2023 08:01

StylishM · 13/10/2023 11:02

I have a similar aged EBF DC and I think you're being very unreasonable to take your husband and baby along to the hen do location

Just politely the decline the wedding invite and ask to see her after the wedding for a little celebration/toast. Asking to tote your baby with you on the hen do and to the adult only wedding smacks of entitlement

Did you not read the fact that op said the hen do was at a hotel, her dh and baby are staying in a hotel room while she is at the hen do. He was going to call her up to the hotel room when the baby needed feeding. Op popping off for a little bit would not ruin the hen do and she can easily join back in after. If her dh and baby are in the hotel room non of her friends will see them at the hen do. So what is the issue their.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:02

Oh please people! It’s hardly an ultimatum really is it? She’s a good friend OP and I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong tbh! She obviously knows your breastfeeding and clearly must know you have nobody to leave baby with🤷‍♀️.. so it’s common sense to ask if it’s ok to bring baby along or explain you can’t attend due to breastfeeding and no childcare available…

everyone here making out you’ve asked to do something life changing🤣! You’ve said yourself it’s the after do, so surely you taking your 4month old won’t be a problem? She will most likely be off doing her first dance and mingling with other people anyway🤷‍♀️?

you’ve done nothing wrong & your certainly not unreasonable to ask..

your friend on the other hand has been rude by ignoring you and bitching about you behind your back! I would ask why she didn’t just reply back and say this to you? On that basis alone I would consider not going tbh.

Gingertam · 14/10/2023 08:02

Honestly I don't know how you could be bothered with the hassle. I would have just declined and stated the reason. I wouldn't have bothered with the hen do either. All that faff and you're only invited to the night do. People are entitled to the wedding they want but also people have the right to decline the invite.

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2023 08:05

I think your message was nice. But you know kids aren't invited and asked for an exception anyway. I had a couple of requests like that and yes it was annoying. More annoying, at the time I think, as I didn't have kids myself, so didn't get the difficulties.

However, the thing that undermines your request is that you are managing to make it to the hen do, and have a strategy to deal with that, without needing to take thr baby? So why can't you manage the wedding in a similar way? I must admit I'd be a bit 🤨 based on that!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/10/2023 08:06

I think YABU. It was clearly a no child wedding so you should not have even asked the question but politely decline. How you did ask came over as emotional blackmail.

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2023 08:07

You chose to have a baby, and part of that is not being able to attend specifically child-free events until you are able and happy to leave the baby with someone else. It's not at all complicated, and it is entirely your responsibility.

Yes - I agree with this.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 14/10/2023 08:08

I would message back and say sorry for the message, you sent it in panic but in hindsight it was unfair to her and it's best that you just decline the invite but you're looking forward to the hen do and can't wait to see her. Defuse it.

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2023 08:09

Oh, should have said, I do think it's bad of her not to reply at all. She should reply and just clarify it's a child free wedding.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 08:09

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/10/2023 08:02

Oh please people! It’s hardly an ultimatum really is it? She’s a good friend OP and I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong tbh! She obviously knows your breastfeeding and clearly must know you have nobody to leave baby with🤷‍♀️.. so it’s common sense to ask if it’s ok to bring baby along or explain you can’t attend due to breastfeeding and no childcare available…

everyone here making out you’ve asked to do something life changing🤣! You’ve said yourself it’s the after do, so surely you taking your 4month old won’t be a problem? She will most likely be off doing her first dance and mingling with other people anyway🤷‍♀️?

you’ve done nothing wrong & your certainly not unreasonable to ask..

your friend on the other hand has been rude by ignoring you and bitching about you behind your back! I would ask why she didn’t just reply back and say this to you? On that basis alone I would consider not going tbh.

Well, it kind of is. The OP has told the bride that if she can't take her baby then she can't go.

The more polite thing to do would be to thank them for the invitation, but decline as the baby is breastfed. Then wish them all the best. Then, IF the bride and groom felt that they really wanted her there (considering they had already made it clear that it was a child free wedding), they could extend that invitation at that point.

I would never put someone in an awkward position to suit my own needs.

Wrongsideofpennines · 14/10/2023 08:09

I don’t think you're unreasonable to ask. I also think it is much more reasonable to ask for just the evening reception as they won't be quite as disruptive.

I do think you need to tell her you're bringing baby to the hen party. I think it unlikely she will uninvite you but she needs to know you might be missing for bits of it. At 2 months both of my babies were still cluster feeding in the evenings so going out for a meal was completely impossible still.

JMSA · 14/10/2023 08:11

You did nothing wrong by asking, and equally she is within her rights to say no.
You sound like a lovely friend who is doing her best to make it all work.

mylittleprince · 14/10/2023 08:11

I would have gone to the wedding on my own and left dh at home with expressed milk. If she's one of your friends presumably you'd know lots of other people at the party.

We never had babysitters so for many years dh and I went separately to child free events like this depending on whose 'friend' it was.